Hey! Taking the day off from writing new jokes – but enjoy these zingers copied & pasted from Novembers past! Ed.

Scientists in Australia created diamonds from rocks in a lab at room temperature in just minutes. They did so by applying immense pressure – equivalent to that of a two-year girlfriend’s expectations on Christmas Eve.

A man told to wear a mask in IHOP wielded a knife and cut an employee’s arm before fleeing. The wound was treated with stitches because it was only a short stab.

The Vatican reportedly launched an inquiry with Instagram, asking how Pope Francis’ account ‘Liked’ a photo from a Brazilian butt model. Instagram replied to the Vatican, saying it was a result of Francis ‘double-tappin’ on dat azz’.

An Amazon driver stole a tv and chair valued at $5,800, delivering them to his own house. The driver was arrested and the items were delivered to the customer, who’s waiting for the driver to make bail so she can return them.

Amazon launched its online pharmacy on Tuesday. Customers can expect to have painkillers swiped off their porch on Thursday.

Ulysses ‘The Monster’ Diaz knocked out Donelei Benedetto in 3 seconds to record the fastest finish ever in a Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship bout. Diaz announced his next fight is when Walmart opens on Black Friday.

Vanderbilt University placekicker Sarah Fuller became the first woman to play in a Southeast Conference men’s football game. She would have tried a field goal in addition to kickoffs, but after two timeouts, Fuller was “almost ready”.

Joe Biden named an all-woman White House Communications Team. They’ve gotten together once and aren’t speaking to each other.

Website Mashed.com asked readers to name their favorite chain restaurant hamburger, and the winner was Five Guys, followed by In-N-Out. Checkers customers were unable to vote after being stabbed in the parking lot.

David Prowse, who portrayed Darth Vader in three Star Wars films, died. Following the deaths of actors portraying Princess Leia, R2D2 & Chewbacca, he’s the fourth Death Star.