An ESPN reporter speculated that Tom Brady’s “traumatizing” divorce may be the major influence in his decision to retire. Brady’s treatment to recover from the trauma will include being a handsome single 45-year-old with tens of millions in cash.

The Pentagon is reportedly tracking a high-altitude Chinese spy balloon over the continental U.S. They’re also trying to identify the three Chinese guys who froze to death in the basket underneath it.

Tips from the public led to the arrest of a man who stole emperor tamarin monkeys from the Dallas Zoo. In related news, emperor tamarin monkeys were discovered to be capable of making phone calls and sending text messages.

An Iowa senior care facility faces discipline for wrongfully declaring a resident dead and placing her in a body bag, where she was later found at a funeral home gasping for air. The victim’s family is considering a lawsuit against the care facility and Ziploc.

The U.S. economy added 517,000 jobs in January, as businesses staffed up to handle Americans returning millions of terrible Christmas gifts.

In the wake of firing 12,000 workers, Google CEO Sundar Pichai said he “takes full responsibility” for it. Asks if that means he’ll take care of them financially, Pichai added “okay, partial responsibility”.

As Beyonce launches a 2023 tour, members of Congress warned Ticketmaster to be ready and avoid a fiasco like Taylor Swift tour sales. Ticketmaster said they’re prepared, and have partnered with banks to prequalify Beyonce ticket buyers with the second mortgages they’ll need to be able to pay for them.

CBS Sports producers said they met with Tony Romo prior to the NFL season to resharpen his skills as a color analyst. NBC Sports producers denied a simlar meeting with Cris Collinsworth, begging him to please just shut up for a few minutes every Sunday night.

Fred la Marmotte, Canada’s version of Punxsutawney Phil, died on Groundhog Day prior to giving his winter prediction. Canadian officials reminded every groundhog that if they, or another they know, is struggling with seasonal depression, help is available.

A British woman said her family hates the name she gave her daughter, Kiara, which comes from a sequel to Disney’s The Lion King. She has no plans to change it, even though her family’s feelings leave a Scar.

A dismembered human penis was found at an Alabama gas station. The diesel fuel pump is pregnant and several big rigs contracted HPV.

Jeweler Tiffany & Co and Nike revealed their anticipated sneaker collaboration, the black suede-and-Tiffany blue Air Force I 1837. Men who drop to one knee and propose with a pair of the sneakers are 0-for-30 so far.

The makers of artificial intelligence tool ChatGPT plan to offer premium product ChatGPT Plus starting at $20/month. In addition to writing your term paper, ChatGPT Plus will find an attractive student to have sex with your professor.

The City of Philadelphia is promising incentives to young men & women for working as lifeguards at city swimming pools this summer. Although the incentivized guards can’t use their new gun to stop horseplay in the pool.

An epic ice storm in the Southern U.S. left over 370,000 customers without power and is blamed for 8 deaths. It’s so bad, Texas Senator Ted Cruz changed destinations from Cancun to Kauai to get far enough away from it.

A Singapore man sued a woman for $2.2 million in damages to his reputation because she refused to date him and wanted to just be friends. Although his attorney claims he’d consider an out-of-court settlement of a handjob.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart said she’s working with the league so that teams can switch from commercial travel to charter. She then boarded the Liberty’s refurbished school bus to ride to their next game in Los Angeles.

The Centers for Disease Control is warning customers not to use EzriCare Artificial Tears eyedrops, as they investigate a possible link between the product and dozens of infections. In the meantime, they recommend titty-twisters and kicks to the balls to generate tears.

Jessica Simpson released an Amazon-exclusive short story about an affair she had 17 years ago with an unnamed “massive movie star” who cheated on his partner. The story is vehemently denied by Rob Schneider.

A woman who claims she got pregnant while using birth control said her baby was born clutching her IUD. The baby also handed over a pinky ring and her spare house keys.

Actress Cindy Williams, who played Shirley Feeney on Laverne & Shirley, passed away. She was predeceased by Penny Marshall, who played Laverne DeFazio. An OSHA investigation into asbestos contamination at Shotz Brewery is currently underway.

Tom Brady announced he’s retiring ‘for good’. To honor his contribution to the sport, The National Football League will assign him a personal valet to throw a yellow flag whenever someone bumps into him.

Nikki Haley announced her run for President. Until now ‘Nikki For President’ was just a failed Disney Channel pilot.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced its 2023 list of nominees. “A little bit of heartbreak, in my life” said Lou Bega.

A German woman found her lookalike online, then murdered her to fake her own death. The bad news is she got caught; the good news is the victim’s family gets the money for the Lifetime movie that was filmed in one week after the killing.

Ozzy Osbourne announced he’s retiring from touring. “What did he say?” replied everyone.

A couple abandoned their baby at Tel Aviv airport as they boarded a flight to Belgium. They wanted to preboard along with other travelers with small children, but said they didn’t realize the small children had to come with them.

Two-time WNBA champion and 2018 MVP Breanna Stewart, now a free agent, has narrowed her choices to her current team, the Seattle Storm, and the New York Liberty. She’s currently evaluating which team’s arena is closer to her job at Target.

The FBI is currently searching President Biden’s Rehoboth Beach, Delaware home in search of classified documents. They plan to resume the search on 4th of July weekend with help from their spouses and kids.

A six-year-old in Michigan playing on his father’s phone ordered about $1,000 in food deliveries from Grubhub. Drivers alerted cops after delivering the food and being tipped with Legos.

The National Football League announced the 2023 salary cap for each team increases to $224.8 million, up from $208.2 million in 2022. To keep players from getting raises, team owners hired human resources execs to give “needs improvement” performance reviews.

U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy said that 13-year-olds are too young to be on social media – needing several more years to hone their bullying skills to cut it.

52,000 pounds of Italian cold cuts were recalled for possible listeria contamination, or – as it’s more commonly known in the Italian community – E.gabbagoli.

Google fired over 12,000 employees, including over 24 in-house massage therapists, making it an unhappy ending for everyone.

Striking ‘Robin Hood’ energy workers in France are punishing their employers by giving free power to low-income households, schools and hospitals. It’s unclear how many recipients of the free power will actually use it to take a hot shower for once.

Ira ‘Bob’ Born, creator of marshmallow Peeps, passed away at age 98, after a failed attempt to revive him by putting him in a microwave.

Michael Jackson will be portrayed by his nephew, Jaafar, in a new biopic. As he prepares for the role, Jaafar has been banned from all Chuck E. Cheese locations.

A former school district official in a Chicago suburb was charged with embezzling $1.5 million worth of chicken wings. What began as a mild investigation grew hot, then became career suicide.

School districts are reconsidering the “run, hide, fight” strategy used during active shooter events, with some recommending confronting the shooter immediately. This, following administrators’ extensive consultations with Batman.

An attorney repsenting Cook County, Illinois announced they’ve dropped sex abuse charges against R. Kelly. However Kelly’s attorney said this brings her client “no relief”, that Kelly will only be happy when he’s free, and back among women relieving himself.

After the NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles earned a trip to the Super Bowl, New York’s Empire State Building turned their lights green & white to honor them – an act of sportsmanship that somehow managed to infuriate both cities.

The New Super Mario Bros Movie trailer premiered during the NFC Championship Game, featuring Chris Pratt as Mario, Seth Rogen as Donkey Kong, and most all of America as Not Interested.

Lovers & co-anchors Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes were fired from ABC News Good Morning America. They’re reportedly in the running for a new Fox News afternoon talk show, Fox & Friends With Benefits.

Walmart is rolling out new store designs with brighter lights, modern mannequins and sleek display cases – in order to focus on higher-margin merchandise for their loyal customers to shoplift.

An Anthony van Dyck portrait from the 17th century, found covered in bird droppings in a shed in Upstate New York, sold at a Sotheby’s auction for over $3 million. Art collectors are now following the birds around to see if they know of any other finds.

Filipino artist Elito Circa, who paints canvases with his own blood, plans to break the world record for blood paintings with a 328-foot creation. Meanwhile, several of his smaller works tested positive for herpes.

A 34-year-old man was hospitalized with a bowel blockage after swallowing a banana covered in a condom. He was released into the care of several hundred men who’d heard about it.

A 15-year-old boy in Bangladesh locked himself in a shipping container during a game of hide-and-seek and was discovered a week later when the container arrived in Malaysia. Meanwhile, his mother collapsed after yelling “dinners ready” next to her back door for six straight days.

A Canadian girl was injured after a friend tossed her car keys and a key became lodged 1 1/2 inches deep in her face and nasal cavity. She also suffered a concussion as her friend repeatedly pushed her head into the ignition switch to start the car.

After suffering burns to his face one month ago, Jay Leno crashed his motorcycle, breaking his collarbone and several ribs. Leno will return to hosting You Bet Your Life, since he repeatedly bets his own and wins.

The bald eagle population in the state of New Jersey has doubled in the last 10 years according to the New Jersey Bald Eagle Project, and evidenced by New Jersey eagles’ increased demand for toupees, deep v-neck t-shirts and gold chains.

Federal law enforcement broke up a fraudulent nursing diploma ring, which issued over 7,600 phony credentials to nurses. The big break in the case came when hundreds of nurses didn’t know how to properly measure height & weight of patients.

A Florida man broke into a Joe’s Crab Shack in Ft. Myers, stole items and defecated on the dining room floor. Cops examining the evidence would only say it appears he’d eaten at Joe’s Crab Shack within the last eight hours.

The FDA plans to make it easier for gay and bisexual men to donate blood – they’ll allow the Red Cross Bloodmobile to park at Lady Gaga concerts.

A McDonald’s corporate president who made $7.4 million in compensation said that pending California legislation to pay fast-food workers $22/hour will “destroy jobs”. On his next trip to the drive-thru, his Big Mac broke the record for “most saliva”.

Kim Kardashian reportedly advised Paris Hilton on surrogacy issues prior to Hilton and her husband welcoming their new baby. Kim also advised Hilton on how babies are born, which led to Hilton’s surrogacy decision.

Melissa Williams, 46, was fired from the Arapahoe County, Colorado police after her “filthy MILF” OnlyFans account was discovered. However, she now earns $27,000/month for going from Arapahoe to Videohoe.

Several women posted TikTok videos saying that they didn’t know their upside-down pineapple tattoos were widely-used symbols indicating they were sexual “swingers”. Some are now getting cover-up tattoos of pineapple upside-down cakes.

A new 16-court indoor Pickleball center is opening in the Philadelphia suburbs. It’s the first of its kind in that it’s the first Pickleball facility needing bouncers.

An arcade worker claims to be able to consistently beat the ‘claw machine’ to win stuffed animals with her ‘double tap’ method. She double-taps the claw button after it descends, and if that doesn’t work, she double-taps the glass with a claw hammer.

In a new Pew Research study, 80% of parents say it’s more important for their kids to start careers and make money than it is to marry and start a family. That’s so the parents can finally collect rent while the kids live at home.

Classified U.S. Government documents were found at the Indiana home of Mike Pence, along with rare back issues of Playgirl magazine.

A Microsoft Cloud outage temporarily denied access to services like Microsoft Teams and Microsoft Outlook. Corporate workers called it “the most productive time I’ve had all year”.

Paris Hilton and husband Carter Reum announced the birth of their first baby. They wouldn’t say if the infant was delivered via surrogate, or if it actually checked out of a Hilton.

A&W Restaurants trolled the M&Ms ‘Spokescandy’ announcement, saying their mascot Rooty the Great Root Bear would wear jeans instead of no pants at all. This surprised Americans who didn’t know that A&W Restaurants still existed.

A passenger gave birth during an Emirates Air flight from Tokyo to Dubai. The baby cried, but then was pleased with the additional leg room.

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy controversially kicked two Democrats, Adam Schiff and Eric Swalwell, off the House Intelligence Committee. He’s considering appointing George Santos, who recently succeeded Superman as President of the Justice League of America.

Florida woman Lyndsey Kennedy, 43, had to be rescued after getting herself stuck in a storm drain for the third time in two years. Officials were left with no choice but to ban her from ‘It’s A Small World’ at Disney.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott and his girlfriend of two years, Natalie Buffett, broke up. The split was already hard enough, but then Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called a press conference to criticize Prescott’s performance.

A 52-year-old Florida teacher resigned after she shared sexually explicit video calls with her prison-inmate boyfriend during school hours. For his part, the inmate received a certificate for perfect attendance in sessions with the teacher.

Ticketmaster’s Chief Financial Officer will testify before the U.S. Senate regarding the Taylor Swift ticketing fiasco. He will be required to stand for the duration of his testimony, unless he pays $199 plus fees for premium seating.

Republican Congressman George Santos took to Twitter to criticize the impressions of him by Bowen Yang on Saturday Night Live and Jon Lovitz on The Tonight Show. He particularly criticized Yang, since he wore a size 4 dress and Santos is at least a 14.

Four leaders of the Oath Keepers were found guilty of seditious conspiracy for their role planning the January 6th insurrection. They were also found guilty of lesser charges of underestimating attendance and running out of snacks.

Nominations for the 95th Academy Awards were released. Another year, another Academy Board of Governors Lifetime Achievement Award snub for Jim Varney.

M&Ms suspended the appearance of its talking cartoon Spokescandies in ads, and announced Maya Rudolph as their new Spokesperson. Werther’s Originals introduced their new Spokescandy, a non-verbal dementia patient.

Five years after his murder, a ‘surprise’ single from rapper XXXTentacion was released. As for other music, that single is likely the XXXtent of it.

The Sundance Film Festival debuted ‘Infinity Pool’, an NC-17 movie featuring cloning, orgies, executions and graphic male ejaculation. Audience polling was negative, but most patrons said it still beat having to sit through Aquaman 2.

Oreo Cookies newest offering is The Most Oreo Oreo – an Oreo cookie with bits of Oreo cookie wafers in the creme center. They recommend dunking it in milk that already has Oreos floating in it.

Frontman & founder Brandon Urie announced he’s breaking up his band, Panic! at the Disco now that he & his wife are expecting a baby. He also announced a future project Colic! at the Urie House.

Disney fans are selling water from the Splash Mountain ride at Disney World now that it’s being closed down and are asking $150/bottle. Nobody’s buying, but the Centers for Disease Control are offering to buy bottles of water from Disney resort pools.

Fireball faces a class action lawsuit in 12 states for misleading customers that mini-bottles sold at gas stations are whisky, but contain no whisky at all. The lawsuit is unique in that all of the plaintiffs are 16 years old.

Retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin married 63-year-old Dr. Anca Faur on his 93rd birthday. Her vibrator is also named Buzz Aldrin.

Home Depot founder Bernie Marcus, who retired in 2002, claims that ‘nobody works anymore’ because of socialism and ‘woke people who have taken over the world’. Marcus made the claims after wandering around a Home Depot for a half-hour looking for a woke socialist to tell him where the screwdrivers are.

Grocery & retail stores are losing shopping carts in record numbers. They blame homelessness, carts being sold for scrap metal, and Cub Scouts who want roomier Soap Box Derby cars.

A police officer punched a woman several times following a dispute after she attempted to return a McDonald’s Big Mac for not having the extra toppings she paid for. He’s been placed on leave from McDonaldland P.D. according to Mayor McCheese.

A woman who lost her virginity at 17 to a 30-year-old man and disliked it claims to have paid $10,000 to have her hymen reconstructed. She’s now saving herself for a guy who’ll pay her $10,000, just in case the third time’s the charm.

Disney Parks Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser Hotel is reportedly failing due to the $6,000 price tag for a two-night stay – and stiff competition down the block from the $69/night Mos Eisley Cantina Red Roof Inn with real galactic prostitutes.

Pamela Anderson claims in her new memoir that Tim Allen flashed his penis at her when she was his co-star on sitcom Home Improvement. She also claims the guy who played ‘Wilson’ did it too through a hole in the fence.

Spotify announced it’s cutting 6% of jobs, disappointing fired workers, and also disappointing everyone hoping the cuts included Joe Rogan.

A British woman who lost all of her limbs from sepsis won a $48 million settlement against the hospital for releasing her early – marking the first time a hospital stay cost both the patient and the hospital an arm and a leg.

Movie theater chain Regal Cinemas will close 40 locations resulting from their parent company filing for bankruptcy. Remaining inventory of popcorn will be marked down 75%, to $7/bucket.

Prior to his affair with co-host Amy Robach resulting in their suspension, Good Morning America‘s T.J. Holmes allegedly had sex with a 24-year-old intern in his office. On those days, he greeted viewers with “Great Morning, America”.

A woman’s viral TikTok video said it took her three months before she discovered her boyfriend only had one leg. Her realization came when he suggested having sex ‘tripod style’.

Legendary Philadelphia disc jockey Jerry Blavat passed away at age 82. Blavat, known as ‘The Geator With The Heater’ and ‘The Boss With The Hot Sauce’ will be memorialized as soon as his family figures out what rhymes with ‘The Cadaver..”.

For the third time in as many years, hackers obtained the personal information of tens of millions of T-Mobile customers. T-Mobile said the threat is now contained, because every customer has had their data stolen.

Republican Congressman George Santos denied performing as a drag queen in Brazil, despite a photo appearing to show him in drag. Santos then took credit for his undercover work taking down a transgender drug ring operating out of Rio de Janeiro.

The family of a 6-year-old boy who shot his teacher at a Virginia elementary school is speaking out for the first time, saying “the gun was secured”. However, they admit locking it in a Paw Patrol lunchbox wasn’t the best idea.

A Utah woman claims she ‘accidentally’ married her cousin, and had a baby with him. She claims marrying her cousin was an accident despite 75 guests at their wedding receiving two invitations.

Tennis star Andy Murray was furious after being denied a second bathroom break before the fifth set of his eventual victory at the Australian Open, which took over five hours. “Yeah, we’re not cleaning that up” said the ballboys & ballgirls.

Pizza Hut is attempting to set the world record for largest pizza, measuring 14,001-square-feet, inside the Los Angeles Convention Center. They plan to deliver 68,000 slices to area food banks, where food-insecure Angelenos will throw away 500 linear feet of crust.