14 dogs hopping on their hind legs broke the Guinness World Record for longest canine conga line. Officials later disallowed a 16-dog line when it was determined they weren’t dancing, they were all just humping each other.

A Chinese spy balloon was finally shot down over Myrtle Beach. Parts of the balloon were retrieved from the ocean, along with an attached banner reading ‘Will you marry me Yingyue?’, and classified documents from the Trump & Biden administrations.

Republican members of Congress plan to boycott President Biden’s State of the Union address on Tuesday, citing disagreements with his policies, and fear of missing an all-new ‘9-1-1 Lone Star‘.

Dell is laying off over 6,000 workers, representing 5% of their workforce. Or, as a Dell spokesperson put it, they’re hitting Ctrl/Alt/Del on their careers.

Winners at the Grammy Awards included Harry Styles, Beyonce & Lizzo in the welterweight, middleweight and heavyweight divisions.

Including her wins last night, Beyonce’s 32 Grammys broke the record for the most Grammy wins all-time, formerly held by Hungarian-British conductor Georg Solti. Solti is busy assembling a new orchestra to record a Beyonce diss track.

Breakfast sandwiches and fruit cups were recalled for possible listeria contamination, which somehow make high school cafeteria food even riskier than usual.

A new study claims reducing alcohol consumption lowers dementia and Alzheimer’s risk. The study authors also claim if you’re drinking to forget, it’s working.

AMC Theaters will start variable pricing for seats at the movies. Seats in front rows will be cheaper, seats in the middle will be more expensive, and people in seats at Tyler Perry movies will be paid $14 each.

Dr. Phil’s decision to end his tv show came following attempts to revamp the show to win back advertisers. The attempts failed, as sponsors said “cash us out on The Kelly Clarkson Show, how bout dat?”

An ESPN reporter speculated that Tom Brady’s “traumatizing” divorce may be the major influence in his decision to retire. Brady’s treatment to recover from the trauma will include being a handsome single 45-year-old with tens of millions in cash.

The Pentagon is reportedly tracking a high-altitude Chinese spy balloon over the continental U.S. They’re also trying to identify the three Chinese guys who froze to death in the basket underneath it.

Tips from the public led to the arrest of a man who stole emperor tamarin monkeys from the Dallas Zoo. In related news, emperor tamarin monkeys were discovered to be capable of making phone calls and sending text messages.

An Iowa senior care facility faces discipline for wrongfully declaring a resident dead and placing her in a body bag, where she was later found at a funeral home gasping for air. The victim’s family is considering a lawsuit against the care facility and Ziploc.

The U.S. economy added 517,000 jobs in January, as businesses staffed up to handle Americans returning millions of terrible Christmas gifts.

In the wake of firing 12,000 workers, Google CEO Sundar Pichai said he “takes full responsibility” for it. Asks if that means he’ll take care of them financially, Pichai added “okay, partial responsibility”.

As Beyonce launches a 2023 tour, members of Congress warned Ticketmaster to be ready and avoid a fiasco like Taylor Swift tour sales. Ticketmaster said they’re prepared, and have partnered with banks to prequalify Beyonce ticket buyers with the second mortgages they’ll need to be able to pay for them.

CBS Sports producers said they met with Tony Romo prior to the NFL season to resharpen his skills as a color analyst. NBC Sports producers denied a simlar meeting with Cris Collinsworth, begging him to please just shut up for a few minutes every Sunday night.

Fred la Marmotte, Canada’s version of Punxsutawney Phil, died on Groundhog Day prior to giving his winter prediction. Canadian officials reminded every groundhog that if they, or another they know, is struggling with seasonal depression, help is available.

A British woman said her family hates the name she gave her daughter, Kiara, which comes from a sequel to Disney’s The Lion King. She has no plans to change it, even though her family’s feelings leave a Scar.

A dismembered human penis was found at an Alabama gas station. The diesel fuel pump is pregnant and several big rigs contracted HPV.

Jeweler Tiffany & Co and Nike revealed their anticipated sneaker collaboration, the black suede-and-Tiffany blue Air Force I 1837. Men who drop to one knee and propose with a pair of the sneakers are 0-for-30 so far.

The makers of artificial intelligence tool ChatGPT plan to offer premium product ChatGPT Plus starting at $20/month. In addition to writing your term paper, ChatGPT Plus will find an attractive student to have sex with your professor.

The City of Philadelphia is promising incentives to young men & women for working as lifeguards at city swimming pools this summer. Although the incentivized guards can’t use their new gun to stop horseplay in the pool.

An epic ice storm in the Southern U.S. left over 370,000 customers without power and is blamed for 8 deaths. It’s so bad, Texas Senator Ted Cruz changed destinations from Cancun to Kauai to get far enough away from it.

A Singapore man sued a woman for $2.2 million in damages to his reputation because she refused to date him and wanted to just be friends. Although his attorney claims he’d consider an out-of-court settlement of a handjob.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart said she’s working with the league so that teams can switch from commercial travel to charter. She then boarded the Liberty’s refurbished school bus to ride to their next game in Los Angeles.

The Centers for Disease Control is warning customers not to use EzriCare Artificial Tears eyedrops, as they investigate a possible link between the product and dozens of infections. In the meantime, they recommend titty-twisters and kicks to the balls to generate tears.

Jessica Simpson released an Amazon-exclusive short story about an affair she had 17 years ago with an unnamed “massive movie star” who cheated on his partner. The story is vehemently denied by Rob Schneider.

A woman who claims she got pregnant while using birth control said her baby was born clutching her IUD. The baby also handed over a pinky ring and her spare house keys.

Actress Cindy Williams, who played Shirley Feeney on Laverne & Shirley, passed away. She was predeceased by Penny Marshall, who played Laverne DeFazio. An OSHA investigation into asbestos contamination at Shotz Brewery is currently underway.

Tom Brady announced he’s retiring ‘for good’. To honor his contribution to the sport, The National Football League will assign him a personal valet to throw a yellow flag whenever someone bumps into him.

Nikki Haley announced her run for President. Until now ‘Nikki For President’ was just a failed Disney Channel pilot.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced its 2023 list of nominees. “A little bit of heartbreak, in my life” said Lou Bega.

A German woman found her lookalike online, then murdered her to fake her own death. The bad news is she got caught; the good news is the victim’s family gets the money for the Lifetime movie that was filmed in one week after the killing.

Ozzy Osbourne announced he’s retiring from touring. “What did he say?” replied everyone.

A couple abandoned their baby at Tel Aviv airport as they boarded a flight to Belgium. They wanted to preboard along with other travelers with small children, but said they didn’t realize the small children had to come with them.

Two-time WNBA champion and 2018 MVP Breanna Stewart, now a free agent, has narrowed her choices to her current team, the Seattle Storm, and the New York Liberty. She’s currently evaluating which team’s arena is closer to her job at Target.

The FBI is currently searching President Biden’s Rehoboth Beach, Delaware home in search of classified documents. They plan to resume the search on 4th of July weekend with help from their spouses and kids.

A six-year-old in Michigan playing on his father’s phone ordered about $1,000 in food deliveries from Grubhub. Drivers alerted cops after delivering the food and being tipped with Legos.

The National Football League announced the 2023 salary cap for each team increases to $224.8 million, up from $208.2 million in 2022. To keep players from getting raises, team owners hired human resources execs to give “needs improvement” performance reviews.

U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy said that 13-year-olds are too young to be on social media – needing several more years to hone their bullying skills to cut it.

52,000 pounds of Italian cold cuts were recalled for possible listeria contamination, or – as it’s more commonly known in the Italian community – E.gabbagoli.

Google fired over 12,000 employees, including over 24 in-house massage therapists, making it an unhappy ending for everyone.

Striking ‘Robin Hood’ energy workers in France are punishing their employers by giving free power to low-income households, schools and hospitals. It’s unclear how many recipients of the free power will actually use it to take a hot shower for once.

Ira ‘Bob’ Born, creator of marshmallow Peeps, passed away at age 98, after a failed attempt to revive him by putting him in a microwave.

Michael Jackson will be portrayed by his nephew, Jaafar, in a new biopic. As he prepares for the role, Jaafar has been banned from all Chuck E. Cheese locations.

A former school district official in a Chicago suburb was charged with embezzling $1.5 million worth of chicken wings. What began as a mild investigation grew hot, then became career suicide.

School districts are reconsidering the “run, hide, fight” strategy used during active shooter events, with some recommending confronting the shooter immediately. This, following administrators’ extensive consultations with Batman.

An attorney repsenting Cook County, Illinois announced they’ve dropped sex abuse charges against R. Kelly. However Kelly’s attorney said this brings her client “no relief”, that Kelly will only be happy when he’s free, and back among women relieving himself.

After the NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles earned a trip to the Super Bowl, New York’s Empire State Building turned their lights green & white to honor them – an act of sportsmanship that somehow managed to infuriate both cities.

The New Super Mario Bros Movie trailer premiered during the NFC Championship Game, featuring Chris Pratt as Mario, Seth Rogen as Donkey Kong, and most all of America as Not Interested.

Lovers & co-anchors Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes were fired from ABC News Good Morning America. They’re reportedly in the running for a new Fox News afternoon talk show, Fox & Friends With Benefits.

Walmart is rolling out new store designs with brighter lights, modern mannequins and sleek display cases – in order to focus on higher-margin merchandise for their loyal customers to shoplift.

An Anthony van Dyck portrait from the 17th century, found covered in bird droppings in a shed in Upstate New York, sold at a Sotheby’s auction for over $3 million. Art collectors are now following the birds around to see if they know of any other finds.

Filipino artist Elito Circa, who paints canvases with his own blood, plans to break the world record for blood paintings with a 328-foot creation. Meanwhile, several of his smaller works tested positive for herpes.

A 34-year-old man was hospitalized with a bowel blockage after swallowing a banana covered in a condom. He was released into the care of several hundred men who’d heard about it.

A 15-year-old boy in Bangladesh locked himself in a shipping container during a game of hide-and-seek and was discovered a week later when the container arrived in Malaysia. Meanwhile, his mother collapsed after yelling “dinners ready” next to her back door for six straight days.

A Canadian girl was injured after a friend tossed her car keys and a key became lodged 1 1/2 inches deep in her face and nasal cavity. She also suffered a concussion as her friend repeatedly pushed her head into the ignition switch to start the car.

After suffering burns to his face one month ago, Jay Leno crashed his motorcycle, breaking his collarbone and several ribs. Leno will return to hosting You Bet Your Life, since he repeatedly bets his own and wins.

The bald eagle population in the state of New Jersey has doubled in the last 10 years according to the New Jersey Bald Eagle Project, and evidenced by New Jersey eagles’ increased demand for toupees, deep v-neck t-shirts and gold chains.

Federal law enforcement broke up a fraudulent nursing diploma ring, which issued over 7,600 phony credentials to nurses. The big break in the case came when hundreds of nurses didn’t know how to properly measure height & weight of patients.

A Florida man broke into a Joe’s Crab Shack in Ft. Myers, stole items and defecated on the dining room floor. Cops examining the evidence would only say it appears he’d eaten at Joe’s Crab Shack within the last eight hours.

The FDA plans to make it easier for gay and bisexual men to donate blood – they’ll allow the Red Cross Bloodmobile to park at Lady Gaga concerts.

A McDonald’s corporate president who made $7.4 million in compensation said that pending California legislation to pay fast-food workers $22/hour will “destroy jobs”. On his next trip to the drive-thru, his Big Mac broke the record for “most saliva”.

Kim Kardashian reportedly advised Paris Hilton on surrogacy issues prior to Hilton and her husband welcoming their new baby. Kim also advised Hilton on how babies are born, which led to Hilton’s surrogacy decision.

Melissa Williams, 46, was fired from the Arapahoe County, Colorado police after her “filthy MILF” OnlyFans account was discovered. However, she now earns $27,000/month for going from Arapahoe to Videohoe.

Several women posted TikTok videos saying that they didn’t know their upside-down pineapple tattoos were widely-used symbols indicating they were sexual “swingers”. Some are now getting cover-up tattoos of pineapple upside-down cakes.

A new 16-court indoor Pickleball center is opening in the Philadelphia suburbs. It’s the first of its kind in that it’s the first Pickleball facility needing bouncers.

An arcade worker claims to be able to consistently beat the ‘claw machine’ to win stuffed animals with her ‘double tap’ method. She double-taps the claw button after it descends, and if that doesn’t work, she double-taps the glass with a claw hammer.

In a new Pew Research study, 80% of parents say it’s more important for their kids to start careers and make money than it is to marry and start a family. That’s so the parents can finally collect rent while the kids live at home.

Classified U.S. Government documents were found at the Indiana home of Mike Pence, along with rare back issues of Playgirl magazine.

A Microsoft Cloud outage temporarily denied access to services like Microsoft Teams and Microsoft Outlook. Corporate workers called it “the most productive time I’ve had all year”.

Paris Hilton and husband Carter Reum announced the birth of their first baby. They wouldn’t say if the infant was delivered via surrogate, or if it actually checked out of a Hilton.

A&W Restaurants trolled the M&Ms ‘Spokescandy’ announcement, saying their mascot Rooty the Great Root Bear would wear jeans instead of no pants at all. This surprised Americans who didn’t know that A&W Restaurants still existed.

A passenger gave birth during an Emirates Air flight from Tokyo to Dubai. The baby cried, but then was pleased with the additional leg room.

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy controversially kicked two Democrats, Adam Schiff and Eric Swalwell, off the House Intelligence Committee. He’s considering appointing George Santos, who recently succeeded Superman as President of the Justice League of America.

Florida woman Lyndsey Kennedy, 43, had to be rescued after getting herself stuck in a storm drain for the third time in two years. Officials were left with no choice but to ban her from ‘It’s A Small World’ at Disney.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott and his girlfriend of two years, Natalie Buffett, broke up. The split was already hard enough, but then Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called a press conference to criticize Prescott’s performance.

A 52-year-old Florida teacher resigned after she shared sexually explicit video calls with her prison-inmate boyfriend during school hours. For his part, the inmate received a certificate for perfect attendance in sessions with the teacher.

Ticketmaster’s Chief Financial Officer will testify before the U.S. Senate regarding the Taylor Swift ticketing fiasco. He will be required to stand for the duration of his testimony, unless he pays $199 plus fees for premium seating.

Republican Congressman George Santos took to Twitter to criticize the impressions of him by Bowen Yang on Saturday Night Live and Jon Lovitz on The Tonight Show. He particularly criticized Yang, since he wore a size 4 dress and Santos is at least a 14.

Four leaders of the Oath Keepers were found guilty of seditious conspiracy for their role planning the January 6th insurrection. They were also found guilty of lesser charges of underestimating attendance and running out of snacks.

Nominations for the 95th Academy Awards were released. Another year, another Academy Board of Governors Lifetime Achievement Award snub for Jim Varney.

M&Ms suspended the appearance of its talking cartoon Spokescandies in ads, and announced Maya Rudolph as their new Spokesperson. Werther’s Originals introduced their new Spokescandy, a non-verbal dementia patient.

Five years after his murder, a ‘surprise’ single from rapper XXXTentacion was released. As for other music, that single is likely the XXXtent of it.

The Sundance Film Festival debuted ‘Infinity Pool’, an NC-17 movie featuring cloning, orgies, executions and graphic male ejaculation. Audience polling was negative, but most patrons said it still beat having to sit through Aquaman 2.

Oreo Cookies newest offering is The Most Oreo Oreo – an Oreo cookie with bits of Oreo cookie wafers in the creme center. They recommend dunking it in milk that already has Oreos floating in it.

Frontman & founder Brandon Urie announced he’s breaking up his band, Panic! at the Disco now that he & his wife are expecting a baby. He also announced a future project Colic! at the Urie House.

Disney fans are selling water from the Splash Mountain ride at Disney World now that it’s being closed down and are asking $150/bottle. Nobody’s buying, but the Centers for Disease Control are offering to buy bottles of water from Disney resort pools.

Fireball faces a class action lawsuit in 12 states for misleading customers that mini-bottles sold at gas stations are whisky, but contain no whisky at all. The lawsuit is unique in that all of the plaintiffs are 16 years old.

Retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin married 63-year-old Dr. Anca Faur on his 93rd birthday. Her vibrator is also named Buzz Aldrin.

Home Depot founder Bernie Marcus, who retired in 2002, claims that ‘nobody works anymore’ because of socialism and ‘woke people who have taken over the world’. Marcus made the claims after wandering around a Home Depot for a half-hour looking for a woke socialist to tell him where the screwdrivers are.

Grocery & retail stores are losing shopping carts in record numbers. They blame homelessness, carts being sold for scrap metal, and Cub Scouts who want roomier Soap Box Derby cars.

A police officer punched a woman several times following a dispute after she attempted to return a McDonald’s Big Mac for not having the extra toppings she paid for. He’s been placed on leave from McDonaldland P.D. according to Mayor McCheese.

A woman who lost her virginity at 17 to a 30-year-old man and disliked it claims to have paid $10,000 to have her hymen reconstructed. She’s now saving herself for a guy who’ll pay her $10,000, just in case the third time’s the charm.

Disney Parks Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser Hotel is reportedly failing due to the $6,000 price tag for a two-night stay – and stiff competition down the block from the $69/night Mos Eisley Cantina Red Roof Inn with real galactic prostitutes.

Pamela Anderson claims in her new memoir that Tim Allen flashed his penis at her when she was his co-star on sitcom Home Improvement. She also claims the guy who played ‘Wilson’ did it too through a hole in the fence.

Spotify announced it’s cutting 6% of jobs, disappointing fired workers, and also disappointing everyone hoping the cuts included Joe Rogan.

A British woman who lost all of her limbs from sepsis won a $48 million settlement against the hospital for releasing her early – marking the first time a hospital stay cost both the patient and the hospital an arm and a leg.

Movie theater chain Regal Cinemas will close 40 locations resulting from their parent company filing for bankruptcy. Remaining inventory of popcorn will be marked down 75%, to $7/bucket.

Prior to his affair with co-host Amy Robach resulting in their suspension, Good Morning America‘s T.J. Holmes allegedly had sex with a 24-year-old intern in his office. On those days, he greeted viewers with “Great Morning, America”.

A woman’s viral TikTok video said it took her three months before she discovered her boyfriend only had one leg. Her realization came when he suggested having sex ‘tripod style’.

Legendary Philadelphia disc jockey Jerry Blavat passed away at age 82. Blavat, known as ‘The Geator With The Heater’ and ‘The Boss With The Hot Sauce’ will be memorialized as soon as his family figures out what rhymes with ‘The Cadaver..”.

For the third time in as many years, hackers obtained the personal information of tens of millions of T-Mobile customers. T-Mobile said the threat is now contained, because every customer has had their data stolen.

Republican Congressman George Santos denied performing as a drag queen in Brazil, despite a photo appearing to show him in drag. Santos then took credit for his undercover work taking down a transgender drug ring operating out of Rio de Janeiro.

The family of a 6-year-old boy who shot his teacher at a Virginia elementary school is speaking out for the first time, saying “the gun was secured”. However, they admit locking it in a Paw Patrol lunchbox wasn’t the best idea.

A Utah woman claims she ‘accidentally’ married her cousin, and had a baby with him. She claims marrying her cousin was an accident despite 75 guests at their wedding receiving two invitations.

Tennis star Andy Murray was furious after being denied a second bathroom break before the fifth set of his eventual victory at the Australian Open, which took over five hours. “Yeah, we’re not cleaning that up” said the ballboys & ballgirls.

Pizza Hut is attempting to set the world record for largest pizza, measuring 14,001-square-feet, inside the Los Angeles Convention Center. They plan to deliver 68,000 slices to area food banks, where food-insecure Angelenos will throw away 500 linear feet of crust.

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, 42, said she’s resigning rather than seeking reelection because she lacks the energy to continue in the job. “Hint, hint” said U.S. Democrats.

The Federal Government reached its debt ceiling limit, admitting it overspent on Christmas presents.

Meghan Markle’s mother said in the Netflix documentary ‘Harry & Meghan‘ that she regrets not making her daughter more aware of racial prejudice. “That’s okay, we took care of it” said Britain’s Royal Family.

Kim Kardashian bought a diamond-&-amethyst cross necklace owned by Princess Diana for $197,000. She plans to wear it for good luck when she’s being chased by paparazzi in her car.

Sports Illustrated 2023 Swimsuit Issue’s newest ‘Rookie’ is 40-year-old mom & fitness influencer Melissa Wood-Tepperberg. To make room for the her and another Rookie, SI announced two Veteran models who gained 10 pounds were released.

Alec Baldwin is now charged in the shooting death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of ‘Rust‘. Baldwin’s name will go above the title of his next project, Involuntary Manslaughter Trial.

Dozens of inmates in Texas prisons are in the second week of hunger strikes, to protest their indefinite solitary confinement. Although some are eating but just saying they’re on strike, since there aren’t any cellmates to snitch on them lying about it.

Republican Congressman George Santos dressed as drag queen ‘Kitara’ while in Brazil in 2008, disqualifying him from reading at Kirk Cameron Library StoryTime.

A city council meeting held via Zoom in Flintshire, Wales was interrupted by a man who hacked into it, masturbated on camera, and said “Cum. I want you to cum with me.” He was removed, and his suggestion was narrowly voted down 6-5.

Michigan firefighters came to the rescue of a sheep who wandered out on a partially-frozen lake and fell through the ice. The fire chief warned residents to be more careful, saying this “could happen to anyone, even ewe..”

A Meet & Greet with Kyle Rittenhouse at the Venetian Hotel during the Las Vegas SHOT Show was cancelled, with the venue saying it didn’t “align with our core events guidelines”. That, and Rittenhouse shot three unarmed people wearing Black Lives Matter t-shirts in the lobby.

Chrisley Knows Best stars Todd and Julie Chrisley each reported to serve their prison sentences following their conviction for tax fraud. Todd said that he’s “closer to God than ever” – God, in this case, is what he calls his cellmate.

Microsoft plans to announce major layoffs. When? Zune.

Dallas Cowboys kicker Brett Maher missed four straight extra point attempts in the team’s playoff win, setting a record. They plan to stick with Maher, after teammates’ attempts to kick him off the team missed.

A 13-year-old girl led Nebraska State Police on a highway chase reaching speeds of 100mph before successfully intervening to stop the car. The 11-year-old boy in the passenger seat told cops that’s the last time he’s letting his wife drive.

Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential campaign requested that he be reinstated on Facebook. It’s not looking good, since Facebook replied ‘Interested’.

Massachusetts murder suspect Brian Walshe – accused in the killing of his wife – used his 6-year-old son’s iPad to search “how to stop a body from decomposing”. Cops also found a search for “why does my peepee hurt?” but the kid admitted that was his.

A Louisiana woman stabbed her boyfriend after he urinated in their bed after a night of heavy drinking. She expressed regret for her actions, because now there are two tough-to-get-out stains on the sheets.

TSA agents at San Antonio Airport seized an 84mm caliber anti-tank weapon from a passenger’s checked baggage. The passenger was detained, but subsequently arrested for carrying a 4-ounce bottle of shampoo in their carry-on.

A man in Washington state attempted to abduct a female barista by pulling her through the drive-thru window of a coffee shop. He failed, and was later arrested when he pulled back around to get the muffin he forgot.

Philadelphia has temporarily discontinued horse-drawn carriage rides in the city. They announced tentative plans to introduce electric carriages, just as soon as they can do so without electrocuting horses.

Upper Darby, Pennsylvania Police found a dead body discarded in a mattress. They plan to detain and question the mattress because it has memory foam.

Messina Denaro, Italy’s most wanted fugitive mafia boss, was captured after 30 years while receiving cancer treatment. His freedom is currently in remission.

Delta and American Airlines passenger jets nearly collided on the ground at JFK Airport as they prepared for takeoff. Airport officials are considering changing the 4-way stop at the runways’ intersection.

China’s population dropped for the first time in decades. Officials blamed COVID deaths, then cancelled 2nd & 3rd shifts at the condom and Plan B factories.

GM introduced the $104,000 Corvette E-Ray, a hybrid electric version of their classic sports car, for environmentally conscious men with small penises.

Wizards of the Coast, owners of Dungeons & Dragons, are changing their licensing agreement, requiring any content creator who makes over $750,000 from D&D to pay a 25% royalty. Worse, these same dorks will be required to pay another 25% in rent to live in their parents basement.

Britney Spears and husband Sam Asghari denied reports of Britney having a manic episode at a restaurant. Later that night, Britney posted a video dancing while giving the finger. Meanwhile the restaurant owners hope Britney’s never heard of Yelp.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers WR Russell Gage was immobilized and taken to a hospital for evaluation of a head & neck injury late in the Bucs’ playoff loss to the Dallas Cowboys. “Hey, at least nobody died for a minute this time, right?” said glass-half-full NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

An Australian model said she suffers from gigantomastia, a rare condition where her breasts won’t stop growing. Meanwhile, website programmers at Pornhub are busily adding Gigantomastia to the menu between Gangbang and Groups.

Atlantic City’s Mayor gave his State Of The City address, with plans to make the city more appealing to families. To help with that, Atlantic City prostitutes introduced new family plans.

Delaware’s Department of Motor Vehicles introduced a new virtual queue that lets you wait in your car instead of the office. Three drivers died after waiting several hours in hot cars.

Starbucks is ordering headquarters workers to report to the office 3 days a week. People who don’t work there can now ask employees to use the bathroom.

At least eight high school football players in Texas were hospitalized after their coach made them do 400 push-ups as punishment. The coach was suspended after the team was hit with 14 consecutive delay-of-game penalties.

The Trump Organization was fined $1.6 million in penalties after felony convictions for tax fraud. Then they were told they couldn’t pay the fine in Trump NFTs.

Kanye West is rumored to have secretly married Bianca Censori, who is a ‘architectural designer’ for Yeezy. Meaning, she laces up the sneakers.

Pepsi is updating its Zero Sugar beverage formula to give it more of a ‘real cola’ taste – it’ll be called Pepsi Lots Of Sugar.

A Connecticut family found a male black bear hibernating under their deck, and local wildlife officials said to leave it alone. The bear went back to sleep, and hopes they forget about him until the backyard toddler birthday party in March.

Director Michael Bay faces charges of killing a pigeon during a film shoot in Italy five years ago. Meanwhile a 12-year-old boy remains at large while shooting dozens of pigeons in a TikTok shoot after getting a bb gun for Christmas.

An 82-year-old Canadian man broke the Guinness World Record as the oldest person to perform a headstand. He also broke an unofficial record by becoming the oldest man to hit himself in the nose with his own balls.

The newest TikTok trend is ‘banana botox’ – rubbing a banana peel on your face to remove wrinkles and tighten pores. Hundreds of users report more youthful skin, but also more sprains and concussions from slipping on banana peels.

80s hair metal icons Twisted Sister are planning a one-off reunion show as Your Twisted Much Older Sister.

Shuttered New York City comedy club Carolines is reportedly being replaced by a high-end ping-pong club. But just to be safe they’ve already banned Chris D’Elia.

More classified documents were found in Joe Biden’s garage. Some were classified documents, others were ‘Classified’ folders hiding back issues of Juggs.

Grand slam tennis champion Naomi Osaka is pregnant. No word whether this was a planned pregnancy, or a condom/birth control pill double-fault.

Pope Francis will deliver remarks at the funeral of Cardinal George Pell, a convicted, then exonerated, child molester who criticized Francis’ inclusion of LGBTQ Catholics. It’s expected to be the first papal address to begin “So long, asshole…”.

A Michigan school district is under fire for a 6th Grade field trip to the Detroit Symphony that ended with students in an adult lounge with stripper poles, adjacent to the restaurant where they ate pizza. The manager of the strip club was quoted saying some of the students “have real potential”.

MacKenzie Scott, billionaire ex-wife of Jeff Bezos, finalized her divorce from second husband Dan Jewett after just one year of marriage. A prenuptial agreement was in place, so he probably won’t get Amazon stock, but will split custody of the Prime Video account to watch Thursday Night Football.

A new study finds 45% of single men wait up to four months before washing bedsheets, or until their dogs decide to sleep somewhere else.

Kanye West was seen dining with a mystery woman in Los Angeles, that he met on No-Jdate.

Bills safety Damar Hamlin was released from a Cincinnati hospital and returned to Buffalo – marking one of the first times a trip to Buffalo in January is considered an upgrade.

Philadelphia’s Chinatown residents and business owners formed a coalition opposed to the Philadelphia 76ers building a new downtown arena, saying it would cause gridlock. They were joined in their opposition to gridlock by hundreds of the city’s carjackers.

Instagram is redesigning their home page. The new, simpler navigation will be split between ‘Tits’ and ‘Other Things’.

Passengers were stuck on an Amtrak train for over 24 hours in South Carolina. In a statement, Southwest Airlines denied reports it had acquired Amtrak.

A Norfolk, Massachusetts man spent $450 on cleaning supplies at Home Depot following the disappearance of his wife. The man denies any involvement, and just wants his wife to come home and get her birthday presents.

Classified government documents were found in a locked closet at the Penn Biden Center, a joint venture think tank between the University of Pennsylvania and President Biden. Far fewer documents were found there than at Donald Trump’s joint venture think tank, the McDonaldland Mar a Lago Center.

Lynette Hardaway, an African-American Trump supporter who, along with her sister Rochelle Richardson, formed conservative duo ‘Diamond & Silk’, passed away. In other news, ‘Blacks For Trump’ announced a name change to ‘A Black For Trump’.

The Federal Aviation Administration grounded all U.S. flights after a computer outage. Things were up & running again after they spent two hours in the tech support queue at Comcast Business Internet.

Pepsi is replacing lemon-lime soda brand Sierra Mist with Starry. They said it sort of rhymes with ‘sorry’, as in “Sorry, we don’t have Sprite, we have Starry”.

New York City nurses are on strike. Greyhound, Bolt Bus and Megabus are all offering express service to Philadelphia & Chicago, cities better equipped to deal with gunshot wounds.

A former cop & his teacher wife were sentenced to 100, and 41 years in prison, respectively, for sex crimes against children, including her serving students cupcakes with his semen in them. The only cupcakes worse than the white ones were the yellow ones.

Delta Airlines is rolling out free wifi on their jets. Calls to customer service to fix wifi issues cost $199.

Bam Margera said he died for a brief time from COVID. Luckily his former Jackass costars were there to resuscitate him by taping a fork to his hand and shoving it in a wall outlet.

A Wells Fargo bank vice president was arrested for urinating on an Air India passenger. The victim was then upgraded to coach from their seat in lavatory class.

Two humpback whales washed up on Atlantic City beaches in the last month, delighting everyone who took the Over on 1.5 washed-up whales in December.

An Arkansas judge was arrested for soliciting sex from a woman in exchange for a more lenient sentence for her defendant/boyfriend. The woman said he summoned her to judge’s chambers, which were in a Motel 6.

Insurrectionists stormed Brazil’s government buildings in an attempt to restore defeated former President Jair Bolsonaro to power, in what will be known as the January 8th Brazilian Bolsonaro Lift.

For the first time, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended giving weight-loss drugs to obese children. Drug makers are frantically attempting to make obesity drugs shaped like The Flintstones.

Gisele Bundchen returned to modeling following her divorce from Tom Brady. However she gained five pounds and entered obesity protocol.

Consumer Reports found unacceptably high levels of lead in dark chocolate candy bars. The good news is, young children find them a much more flavorful alternative to paint chips.

Electronics maker Withings introduced the U-Scan, a toilet sensor that analyzes urine for nutritional and metabolic levels. A sensor for women goes in the bowl, the sensor for men goes on the floor next to it.

Dunkin is partnering with the American Red Cross to encourage blood donations. They’re offering a free drink to anyone who donates blood, provided they haven’t drunk Dunkin coffee in the past 60 days.

Idaho murder suspect Bryan Kohberger reportedly applied for a police internship. He was rejected based on his preference for stabbing innocent people instead of shooting them.

Ovidio Guzman, son of Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested in Mexico. Federal police say he’s the leader of the Sinaloa drug cartel, making him a Chipo off the ol’ Chapo.

A doctor battled to save the life of a passenger whose heart stopped twice on a 5-hour flight from the UK to India. The doctor restored the heartbeat once, then the passenger ate the in-flight chicken salad sandwich and it stopped again.

In an effort to restore goodwill, Southwest Airlines is giving 25,000 frequent flyer miles in addition to refunds to passengers impacted by the 15,000 flights it cancelled. Then Southwest announced it was cancelling their frequent flyer program.

Ukraine rejected Russia’s call for a cease fire during their war to observe Russian Orthodox Christmas. Just in case, Russian Orthodox Santa Claus outfitted his reindeer with body armor and upgraded his sleigh’s missile defense system.

GOP Congressman Kevin McCarthy lost 11 consecutive votes in a bid to become Speaker of the House. The good news is he was unanimously voted Mr. Congeniality.

Prince Harry is being criticized for a claim in his new autobiography that he killed 25 Taliban fighters during his tour in Afghanistan with the British Army. However, the Taliban admits multiple soldiers choked to death on scones Harry gave them.

Amidst mounting losses and large debt, a major household retailer plans to file for Bed Bath & Bankruptcy.

A youth hockey coach was fired after reaching over the boards and knocking down an opposing team’s 14-year-old player during a tournament. He was subsequently fired from his coaching position after sitting two minutes for interference.

Accused Idaho murderer Bryan Kohberger arrived back in the state on Wednesday after extradition from Pennsylvania – the first person in the U.S. to willingly travel to Idaho in January without skis.

Honda and Sony debuted the Afeela, the first electric car from their planned joint venture. It’ll have autonomous driving features and Sony gaming features, so drivers can play PlayStation games while the car crashes itself into a tree.

Amazon announced it’s cutting over 18,000 jobs, mostly in e*commerce and human resources. The human resources people were asked to help fire employees, and then summoned to a room with a full-length mirror in it.

An Arizona man was arrested for indecent exposure while picking up a drive-thru coffee order at Bikini Beans, where servers are clad in bikinis. His penis went from tall to grande.

A man suffered a broken neck, nine broken ribs, and a fractured skull after tripping over his cat while going down the stairs at his home. The cat is still pissed off waiting to be fed.

An Indian man who lost his wife to COVID created a lifelike silicone model of her after she died. The model sits next to him on his couch, and features a little extra silicone to help him pass the time.

A London woman went blind after giving birth to a baby. Her mother was called in to help after she repeatedly breast fed her hairless cat.

Archaeologists in Germany determined early humans skinned bears and other prehistoric animals to wear their fur over 300,000 years ago. They also discovered a lot of prehistoric single moms whose husbands died trying to get them fur coats.

Fans of Celine Dion are outraged at the singer’s omission from Rolling Stone magazine’s list of the all-time greatest 200 singers. “Tell me about it” said similarly shocked Lou Bega and members of Color Me Badd.

Twenty-two people were injured when an SUV crashed in to a New York City restaurant. The hostess ignored it for a half-hour because the driver didn’t have a reservation.

The late Pope Benedict’s last words were reportedly “Jesus, I love you” … only he said it to a naked 17-year-old boy standing at his bedside.

Southwest Airlines was hit with its first lawsuit for not providing refunds after cancelling over 15,000 flights. Passengers rejected Southwest’s initial offer of peanuts.

An 87-year-old Philaelphia woman was struck in the shoulder by gunfire while celebrating New Year’s Eve on her front porch. She’s now earned her place as the oldest living member of the Philadelphia chapter of the Crips.

The House of Representatives failed to elect Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House, the first time in over 100 years a Speaker was not elected on the first ballot. McCarthy received only 203 of the required 218 votes needed. Adding insult to injury, 10 votes were received by Deez Nutz.

A 77-year-old man was rescued after becoming stuck in a drive-thru car wash when he hit the accelerator and the car flipped on its side. He was treated for minor leg injuries and hot wax inhalation.

Accused Idaho Four murder suspect Bryan Kohberger waived extradition and was scheduled to return to Idaho Wednesday morning. As of Wednesday afternoon he was still handcuffed in the Southwest boarding area after two flights were cancelled.

Drew Barrymore said the one actor who could convince her to return to acting is Adam Sandler, or someone else with a convincingly big enough check.

Sharon Osbourne revealed that daughter Kelly has welcomed a baby boy, Sidney. They wanted to keep the name at two syllables so Grampa Ozzy has a fair chance at remembering it and saying it right.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ is expected to cause a major flooding event in large parts of California, making real estate even more expensive since more of it will be waterfront.

A family of four survived a 250-foot plunge off of a cliff in a Tesla as they rode on Highway 1 in California. They were transported to a local hospital, where they were expected to finish the movie they were all watching on the dashboard.

This week marks the start of the annual Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, where industry execs gather to see the world’s biggest TVs in the same place as the world’s biggest boobs.

Brendan Fraser’s performance as a terminally-ill obese man in The Whale almost went to James Corden. They decided on Fraser because audiences wouldn’t have the patience to wait 90 minutes for Corden to die.

Kellyanne Conway told the January 6th Committee that the only person Donald Trump is truly afraid of is his wife, Melania. Mostly because of the nude pics of him she has on her phone.

Marshall’s discount department store is closing their Center City Philadelphia location, marking the occasion with the chain’s first-ever Going Out Of Business Smash-&-Grab.

A “nearly mummified” body was found in South Carolina, in a clothing donation bin that hadn’t been emptied for months. Forensics experts are tasked with identifying the deceased, while trying to make the sneakers they were wearing ready for sale.

Jessica Simpson posted a selfie wearing her 8th grade cheerleading jacket. “Nope, still nothing” said her husband.

UFC founder Dana White and his wife were recorded having a physical altercation on New Year’s Eve at a bar in Cabo San Lucas after a night of heavy drinking. White apologized, but will also offer the rematch via pay-per-view for $69.95.

A traveler was arrested at New York’s JFK Airport for smuggling handgun parts in jars of Jif peanut butter in his checked bags. The SPCA is investigating the man’s dog who suffered minor injuries cleaning his other guns.

Officials in China’s government blasted the U.S. and several European counries for requiring travelers to show a negative COVID test. To help smooth things over, Spirit Airlines has offered flights that will only allow COVID-positive people on board.

Philadelphia Police are investigating a 5-year-old boy who shot himself in the thigh with a handgun. They don’t know how the boy obtained the handgun, and are attempting to interview Santa Claus.

Six years of Donald Trump’s tax returns were made public. Identity thieves trying to get credit cards with his Social Security number were turned down because his credit score was too low.

A hacker discovered a flaw in Google Home smart speakers that allowed others to listen to conversations. But the hacker got bored listening to people ask Google about state capitals and what time it is.

Viral video shows a man firing shots at a Buffalo store looter during the city’s recent blizzard. He would have fired more bullets, but the gun froze.

Nick Cannon welcomed his 12th child, proving his Cannon balls are still firing.

Melania Trump was reportedly worried that she’d be seen in a bathrobe by unannounced visitors to her living quarters of the White House, such as Rudy Giuliani, Sydney Powell, and Donald Trump.

A Russian soldier got drunk and beat his commanding officer to death while the two rode on a military train on December 23rd. The rest of the soldiers then cancelled the remainder of the Secret Santa gift swap party.

Samuel Bateman, a fundamentalist Mormon leader accused of having over 20 wives, was jailed in Arizona on charges of kidnapping. Bateman requested his release on bail because he has seven wedding anniversaries coming up next month.

Chipotle is testing whether robots can make tortilla chips in stores. They’re waiting for the robots to recover from E.coli contamination.

Cardiologist Dr. Elizabeth Klodas shared her four worst foods for high cholesterol: red meat; processed meat; baked goods; and anything that starts with ‘Mc.’

Bill Cosby plans to tour in 2023, thanks to new sexual misconduct lawsuits in 23 different states.

Avatar: The Way of Water topped the $300 million mark in U.S. ticket sales. Thanks to moviegoers who couldn’t get into sold-out showings of Avatar, Brad Pitt/Margot Robbie flop Babylon topped $300.

Disney Theme Parks are reminding guests to show courtesy, following recent viral videos of brawls at Disney Parks. In other news, Mickey, Minnie, Cinderella and Snow White all earned their blue belts in jiu jitsu.

An Australian teen was hospitalized after swallowing a bluebottle jellyfish swimming at Bondi Beach. After removing it, doctors read the message in the bluebottle “Do Not Eat”.

A couple who replaced their toilet found the woman’s engagement ring she’d lost 21 years earlier lodged in it. For the last 21 years, she’s wiped with her right hand.

Kim Kardashian deleted a TikTok video of her two dogs after critics pointed out that they’re kept in her garage. However, her garage is 15,000 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.

A New York prosecutor is investigating Congressman-elect George Santos for lying about his work history, education, Jewish heritage, personal finances, and being born Gladys Sanders.

Economists say the majority of U.S. workers’ salaries will not keep up with inflation. Asked why, the economists confirmed that most people’s jobs really do suck.

A California woman’s Find My iPhone feature was used to locate her after she drove off a highway and plummeted 200 feet. She survived and was taken to a hospital, but unfortunately she didn’t kill all the pigs in the Angry Birds level she was playing before the accident.

Duane Hansen broke the world record by riding 37.5 miles down the Missouri River in a hollowed-out pumpkin. Once he paddled ashore, he emptied the vessel of river water and pumpkin pee.

The White House publicly condemned Texas Governor Greg Abbott for sending busloads of migrants to Vice President Kamala Harris’ house on Christmas Eve. The migrants were just happy not to end up in Buffalo.

Kathy Whitworth, the winningest professional golfer ever with 88 tournament championships, passed away. Whitworth’s last title was the Lady Michelob Championship in 1982 – Lady Michelob is now known as Michelob Ultra.

GOP Congressman elect George Santos admitted to lying about his employment history and his education. He still plans to serve in Congress, but faces suspension and other sanctions from LinkedIn.

Pope Francis confirmed that retired Pope Benedict is “very sick”. It’s reached the point where Benedict reportedly asks the altar boys he’s molesting to move his hands for him.

A White House employee testified to the January 6th Committee that Donald Trump did not know his presidential schedule was public until his final weeks in office. Trump then demanded a less-detailed version be created, so instead of ‘golf and tv’, it just said ‘tv’.

A Buffalo, NY couple has cared for the body of a woman they found dead outside of their home during the city’s blizzard. But first they tried to revive her by placing an old silk hat they found on her head.

Police in Mexico arrested a truck driver transporting 660 pounds of fentanyl hidden inside of coconuts. They believe the narcotics point-of-origin was Gilligan’s South Pacific Drug Island.

Southwest Airlines CEO Bob Jordan issued a public apology for the carrier’s cancellation of thousands of flights over the Christmas holiday, ending his statement with a *ding*, letting ticket holders know they are free to move about the boarding gate where they’ve been sleeping for the past two nights.

Kim Kardashian cried during a podcast when discussing co-parenting with Kanye West, calling it “really f**king hard” – as opposed to her time dating Pete Davidson, calling that “f**king really hard”.

McDonald’s is testing a fully-automated location in Texas with no human workers to serve customers. They plan to roll it out in other locations as soon as the robots learn how to half-fill boxes of large fries.

Wishing a very Merry Christmas to all of my readers, but especially Jeff, Dave, Jason, Mark, Marc, Jim, Tony, Lance, and others I may not be so well aware of. Taking a day or two off next week but thanks again! All the best to all of you.

Flip or Flop star Christina Hall said she’s suffering from lead and mercury poisoning, and blames the illness on all of the ‘gross’ houses she’s renovated. She’s recovering, and vows to stop testing for lead paint by eating it.

Chef Ali Ahmed Aslam, the man credited with inventing chicken tikka masala, passed away at age 77. He will be laid to rest on a bed of basmati rice.

The January 6th Committee released their final report, along with NFTs of the members in superhero costumes which they’re selling for $99.

57-year-old Shania Twain posed topless for the cover of her new single. “That don’t impress me much” said guys looking at it.

Adnan Syed, the recently-freed convicted murderer and subject of hit podcast ‘Serial‘, was hired by Georgetown University as part of their prison reform initiative. He’s reportedly having a tough time getting a date for the Holiday party.

Online gossip columnist Deuxmoi claims actor Henry Cavill did not leave – but was fired – over misogynistic behavior on the set of Netflix’ ‘The Witcher‘…according to an anonymous bitcher.

A teenager who thought she had Lyme disease after a tick bite was discovered to have left a tampon inside her for two years. She eventually recovered from toxic shock, and the tick was treated for food poisoning.

Homeowners in Alaska captured a moose shedding its antlers on their Ring doorbell camera. The moose then left their porch to complete its other Alaskan Grubhub deliveries.

Video from Missouri showed a transformer exploding into sparks as temperatures dipped well below zero. Officials said the transformer, Megatron, was in stable condition after changing into a furnace.

Bill Gates’ pregnant daughter, Jennifer, held a Christmas-themed baby shower just weeks ahead of her projected download of a baby girl.

An 88-year-old man arrived at a French hospital with a World War I artillery shell lodged in his rectum, forcing the facility to evacuate. The shell was removed by doctors, who were happy detonation was avoided by the lack of Mexican food in France.

U.S. law enforcement officers seized enough fentanyl to kill every American in 2022, and enough cash for Border Patrol officers to give themselves nice Christmas bonuses.

United States Postal Service trucks will transition from gas to electric by 2026, or whenever your 2022 Christmas deliveries arrive, whichever is later.

Allegiant Airlines failed to load any checked baggage on a flight from Bellingham, Washington to Oakland, California. Allegiant announced their baggage handlers will no longer be trained at Philadelphia International Airport.

A lawyer was kicked out of the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular because her law firm is suing the owner of Radio City. She’s now also suing for personal injury after being kicked by every Rockette on her way out.

New head of DC Comics movies James Gunn, having fired Henry Cavill as Superman, said no decision has been made regarding Gal Gadot’s status as Wonder Woman. Meanwhile, the Super Friends added Gunn to their list of Super Frenemies.

A massive winter storm across the U.S. promises to make this the coldest Christmas in decades, and colder still for every guy who buys their wife or girlfriend fitness equipment.

Outgoing Arizona Governor Doug Ducey will remove a border wall he commissioned, made out of stacked shipping containers. No word on plans for the 2,000 migrants living in the shipping containers.

The NHL’s Buffalo Sabres postponed Friday’s home game against the Tampa Bay Lightning due to what meteorologists are calling a “once in a generation” winter storm – or, what Buffalo residents are calling a “once every couple weeks” storm.

A new study finds red dye used in Skittles, Doritos and other snacks could trigger irritable bowel diseases – or, as they’re now known, Sour Cherry & Flamin’ Hot irritable bowel diseases.

A House committee voted to make Donald Trump’s tax returns public. The move was criticized by Trump, and by McDonald’s, who each don’t want American citizens seeing how much they were charged for Big Macs and Diet Cokes.

A Doylestown, Pennsylvania man was arrested in Starbucks for throwing coffee on a police officer, lying on the ground and biting the cop’s leg. He was charged with assault, and overcharged for an average cup of coffee.

Khloe Kardashian revealed that her 4-year-old daughter True lost her first tooth, then woke up with a stiff neck after sleeping with $100,000 under her pillow.

The Taliban have banned women from universities in Afghanistan. They’re also executing any guys who show up for cheerleading tryouts at Kabul University.

Samsung released a new line of Star Wars accessories for their phones and smartwatches, making it easier for women and men to spot nerds they shouldn’t date.

Jeopardy! camera operators are reportedly having difficulty with current champion Ray Lalonde, who moves back and forth frequently, leading to their nickname ‘Ray The Sway’. He’s still easier to film than a different past champion, ‘Keisha the Seizha’.

Bill Gates said that his divorce from wife Melinda after 27 years was one of his “personal low points” – pointing to a line chart of his net worth on the day after his divorce was finalized.

China wants citizens to go to work, even if they’re infected with COVID. They’re even allowing some employees to work from home, because they already live in an iPhone factory.

CNN listed topics that you shouldn’t bring up at the holiday dinner table. Topping the list for anyone visiting family below the Mason-Dixon line: “watching CNN”.

New York’s prestigious Juilliard School is now embroiled in a massive scandal, alleging a professor/composer solicited sex from students. Over 500 former students signed an open letter demanding that he face the music.

Mike Pence said the Jan 6 Committee has a “partisan taint”, adding that the group lacks representation from his personal favorite, 20-something male taint.

Former teen star and Christian activist Kirk Cameron successfully forced two public libraries hosting ‘drag queen story hours’ to give him story hour times of his own. Cameron plans to read to children as soon as he can find the right wig, shoes and dress.

Twitter won’t let you post your screen names used on competing social media platforms like Facebook, Mastodon, and Post, apparently to prevent followers from finding you on those services. They may add Friendster and MySpace just in case.

A 97-year-old German woman who worked as a typist at a Nazi concentration camp when she was 18 was found guilty of accessory-to-murder charges. She was found not guilty on lesser charges of stealing bottles of Wite-Out.

Epic Games, maker of online battle game Fortnite, was fined $520 million for subjecting minors to in-game bullying and harassment, tricking them into in-game purchases, and illegally collecting their personal data. Epic Games said they value their role as a 10-year-old’s first toxic relationship.

A finalist in the Miss England pageant is the first to compete without wearing makeup. She wants to be a role model for other young women, and says not wearing makeup takes the judge’s focus off of her crooked teeth.

A Philadelphia man was arrested Sunday afternoon following a shootout with police in the parking lot of a suburban shopping mall. The man will undergo a mental health evaluation because somehow he was at a shopping mall while the Philadelphia Eagles game was on.

Harvey Weinstein was convicted of rape and sexual assault in Los Angeles. Weinstein was already imprisoned in New York for a rape conviction there, making the L.A. verdict his worst sequel ever.

A teen in India miraculously survived after a javelin pierced his neck at school. In other news, a different teen in India broke the school javelin record by throwing it from gym class into a math class.

A study in Japan claims men with low libidos are almost twice as likely to die an early death. Japanese women married to these men are calling it a ‘win-win’.

Elon Musk said he would abide by the results of a Twitter poll asking if he should remain CEO, then users voted overwhelmingly that he should step down. Musk then posted another poll asking if he should resign in 2030 or 2040.

Donald Trump then posted a poll on Truth Social asking if he’d be a better President than Ron Desantis, lost, then said the poll was rigged.

Dozens were injured when a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Phoenix to Honolulu encountered severe turbulence. Passengers on board reported seeing the injured lei’ing in the aisles.

A woman learned her father wasn’t her biological dad during a family argument, marking the first time the “I wish you weren’t my father!” line has ever paid off.

In a new survey, 14% of China’s residents said they’ll never travel again. In related news, China jailed government officials for somehow letting 14% of residents take trips.

Iran’s Hadi Choopan won the Mr. Olympia bodybuilding champion. Iranian competitors in Ms. Olympia didn’t fare as well, since judges couldn’t see the muscles under the burqas.

A man was shot and killed in a New Jersey nature preserve. Police are treating it as a murder, but are concerned that deer have finally gotten their own guns.

Father Frank Pavone, a pro-life supporter of ex-President Donald Trump, was dismissed from the Catholic priesthood for ‘blasphemous’ social media posts and disobedience to bishops. Pope Francis said it felt good to fire a priest for something other than molesting kids.

Kris Jenner was asked how she feels about having grandchildren born out of wedlock. She said she’s fine with the ones who have profitable social media accounts.

Salma Hayek said her lap dance scene with Channing Tatum in ‘Magic Mike’s Last Dance’ was “physically challenging”. Hayek, 56, said it was difficult to maneuver in Tatum’s lap without cameras seeing her cane.

Airlines are reportedly lobbying Congress to allow flights with just one pilot in the cockpit. This way, there isn’t a copilot nagging the pilot about how much he’s been drinking.

A giant aquarium housing 1,500 tropical fish burst in a Berlin hotel. Most of them died, and attempts to save others with a defibrillator resulted in fried fish.

Students at a Canadian high school are banned from taking photos of a transgender woman teacher with Z-cup prosthetic breasts. Her placeholder yearbook photo will be a mannequin standing behind two watermelons.

A hippopotamus swallowed a 2-year-old Ugandan boy whole, then spit him out moments later. The boy’s mother then changed his diaper.

Tyler Perry – godfather to Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s baby, Lilibet – skipped the baby’s christening. Perry declined after Harry & Meghan refused to name the event ‘Tyler Perry’s Lilibet’s Christening’.

ABC’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve announced performances from New Edition and Duran Duran, as thousands of revelers pack New York’s Times Square to ring in 1983.

A new study finds 1 in 18 patients visiting hospital emergency rooms are misdiagnosed. The problem is worse in Chicago and Philadelphia emergency rooms, where patients are diagnosed with ‘bullet wound’ instead of ‘multiple bullet wounds’.

Tristan Thompson will pay $9,500/month in support for Theo, the baby he fathered with Maralee Nichols while still together with Khloe Kardashian. He’ll also have visitation when Nichols drops the baby off with Tristan in the Champagne Room.

A 56-year-old Delaware woman was carjacked and stabbed by a 27-year-old Philadelphia woman who brought her 1-year-old with her. The carjacker was arrested before she was able to get to the mall for pictures with Santa Claus.

In Florida, a home security camera captured a black bear eating a Chick-fil-A order that was delivered to the front porch. The delivery driver was disappointed that the homeowner failed to tip, but surprised that the bear gave him 10 bucks.

The Federal Government will once again offer free at-home COVID tests to people who believe in it. They’ll also once again offer NORAD tracking of Santa Claus on Christmas Eve for people who believe in that.

A Philadelphia man is in critical condition after being hit by a car. The driver remained on the scene, making this the city’s first Hit & Stay of 2022.

The Washington Post announced massive layoffs, citing a lack of content that aligned with reader’s interests. In other words, their 10-letter Wordle knockoff isn’t panning out.

A 33-year-old woman was charged with drugging a man in Las Vegas, stealing his $12,000 Rolex watch, and hiding it in her vagina. The victim claimed his wallet is also missing, and police obtained a search warrant for her rectum.

TLC Network will premiere reality series MILF Manor, where 8 middle-aged single moms seek a romantic connection among 8 younger men. MILF Manor replaces the series original title, Perimenopause Palace.

Mobs poured into the streets of Paris after France defeated Morocco in the World Cup semi-final, clashing with police, who dispersed crowds using tear gas and water cannons. Cops preferred water cannons because it also helped with the body odor.

Director James Gunn confirmed that Henry Cavill will not return as Superman in his upcoming DC Films projects, angering DC superfans. Further angering them, the role going to The Big Bang Theory‘s Jim Parsons.

Donald Trump announced he’s selling limited edition $99 digital trading cards. The front features imagery of Trump as a cowboy, astronaut, superhero, etc.. the back features career stats including bankruptcies, settled lawsuits, extramarital affairs, funded abortions, and incorrect golf scores.

Emory University Healthcare fired several maternity nurses who’d posted a viral TikTok video complaining about patients, specifically mothers of newborns. The nurses have not been heard from since reporting to their new jobs at Emory Eldercare.

New York City’s mass transit authority is testing a new system that detects urine in subway elevators. The test is expected to start as soon as they can find an elevator that hasn’t already been pissed in.

New Zealand banned tobacco purchases to anyone born after 2008. Public schools will have counselors available to help 13-year-olds determine how they can look cool.

Oregon’s Governor Kate Brown commuted the death sentences of the state’s 17 prisoners awaiting execution. Some are relieved to serve life without parole, others are disappointed they won’t ever get that ribeye steak last meal.

Today marks the 10=year anniversary of the Sandy Hook shootings. Or, as InfoWars Alex Jones calls it, Wednesday.

A fan brawl erupted at the Boston Bruins/Arizona Coyotes hockey game last Friday, with one man having the tip of their finger bitten off. The fingertip was located and tossed on the ice in a failed effort to save it.

Good Morning America co-anchors Amy Robach and TJ Holmes have not been together since they were taken off the air for their sexual affair. They’re concerned about getting their jobs back, and more concerned they won’t be shown where to get great last-minute Steals & Deals this holiday season.

China’s hospitals are overrun with new COVID patients after the country loosened restrictions. Worse, patients served Chinese hospital meals are all hungry again a half-hour later.

Researchers determined snakes have a clitoris. “Where?” asked male snakes.

Review website Metacritic released its annual list of the worst video games for the Nintendo Switch console. The Worst Game of the Year was Postal 4, followed by Super Mario Bros Doing Actual Plumbing Jobs.

Patty Jenkins, director of Wonder Woman and Wonder Woman 1984 disputed claims that Warner Bros. studio cancelled Wonder Woman 3 because she walked away from the project. However, Jenkins refused to answer questions while cinched in the Lariat of Truth.

Josie Leinart, wife of former NFL quarterback Matt Leinart, is hosting ‘Women of the League‘, a show where she counsels wives and girlfriends of NFL players. Her first advice is helping the women ask their men why, if they’re millionaires, they have second phones from Boost Mobile.

Sam Bankman-Fried, founder of bankrupt cryptocurrency exchange FTX, was arrested and charged with multiple counts of defrauding investors. Since Bankman-Fried was scheduled to testify before Congress today, the Speaker of the House will show a movie instead.

Subaru is recalling 270,000 Ascent SUVs because of a fire risk. They advise owners that if the car catches fire, to drive it into a snowbank, then use the reliable all-wheel drive to get out of it.

The cancellation of Bankman-Fried’s testimony is disappointing to people wanting to hear a Congressman ask him how Batcoin works.

Donald Trump said on Truth Social that he’d refused a prisoner swap with Russia of Viktor ‘Merchant Of Death’ Bout for Paul Whelan, saying Bout was a ruthless arms dealer and also turned down his invitation to be commencement speaker at Trump University

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit showrunner David Graziano is accused of ‘toxic behavior, bullying and misogyny’. NBC will bring in an elite investigative team because some of the incidents are especially heinous.

After cancelling the general public sale for Taylor Swift’s upcoming tour, Ticketmaster announced that Swift’s ‘Verified Fans’ will get a second chance to go online and be f**ked over.

United Airlines purchased over 100 new Boeing Dreamliners to replace aging jets. The new jets are more fuel-efficient, and have wrist and torso restraints built into the seats to save money on duct tape.

The U.S. successfully created energy from a nuclear fusion reaction – a breakthrough step that could reduce reliance on fossil fuels. General Motors announced they’ll use the technology to produce the first nuclear car, then recall the car for exposing drivers to radiation poisoning.

The NBA renamed the Most Valuable Player honor as The Michael Jordan MVP Award, making the trophy statue in his likeness. They also created a trophy of Charles Barkley & Shaquille O’Neal sitting together, honoring the player who eats the most at the postgame buffet.

The Catholic Archdiocese of Philadelphia announced the closing of four churches in the city’s suburbs. Despite the downsizing, shy, handsome altar boys will be offered positions at churches remaining open.

A Japanese company sent an orange-sized sphere into space, capable of transforming to a tiny lunar rover once it reaches the moon. Only they had to send a follow-up rocket because the batteries weren’t included.

Comedian Dave Chappelle brought out Elon Musk as a surprise guest at a show in San Francisco, where Musk spotted several Twitter employees in the audience and dragged them back to the office to work overnight.

Senator Bernie Sanders accused newly-independent Senator Kyrsten Sinema of sabotaging Democrat-sponsored legislation, and because she’s bisexual, of bringing plus-2s to the Senate Christmas party.

Crews in Philadelphia removed a box which had covered a statue of Christopher Columbus that the City wanted removed, but which stayed due to a judge’s ruling. When they removed the box, they discovered statues of corpses of indigenous people that Columbus murdered.

Britney Griner dunked a basketball for the first time since returning to the U.S. after her release from a Russian prison. She hasn’t decided if she’ll return to the WNBA, since she doesn’t know when she’ll be ready to play in front of two dozen people.

A new study finds every hour small children spend playing video games or watching videos increases the likelihood that they’ll develop obsessive compulsive disorder, and the likelihood that they’ll be nearly unbeatable in Fortnite.

Data collected between 2008 and 2019 show more U.S. adults combined alcohol use with marijuana use as states legalized pot, in what behavioral scientists now refer to as A Bitchin’ Double-Buzz.

A New Hampshire man died falling off the summit of Mt. Willard while taking photos with his wife during a hike. The wife requests privacy during this difficult time of deciding which pic to send to Shutterfly for the Xmas card.

Former Navy SEAL Chris Beck, who transitioned to Kristin Beck 10 years ago, announced that he’s detransitioning. He warned of the dangers of transgender health services on children, and of the difficulty getting fair value for Lane Bryant gift cards he no longer needs.

Following a blowout loss to the San Francisco 49ers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Tom Brady was heard angrily saying “f##k that” – causing 49ers cheerleaders to line up until they were told he was talking about the game.

Arizona’s U.S. Senator Kyrsten Sinema is leaving the Democratic Party and registering as an Independent. Sinema says she’s bisexual, bipartisan, and you can bi her votes.

Britney Griner is back in the U.S. following a prisoner swap with Russian arms dealer Viktor ‘Merchant of Death’ Bout. MerchantofDeath.com is already offering a Christimas buy one, get one free offer on guided missile-launching drones.

CBS This Morning co-anchor Gayle King said that the Good Morning America co-host affair between T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach is “messy” and “sloppy” – not like the buttoned-up action she gets with bestie Oprah.

Crypto executive Sam Bankman-Fried said he’ll testify before Congress about the collapse of FTX, provided Congress is willing to fly to the Bahamas.

Philadelphia Police used forensic DNA to finally identified The Boy In The Box – a 1957 murder victim – as Joseph Augustus Zarelli. They say they’ll no longer refer to him as The Boy In The Box, and will start calling him Jaz.

Elon Musk said Twitter is developing software to show if you’ve been ‘shadowbanned’, or, more likely, that ‘no one Likes what you have to say’.

Actress Jennifer Lawrence said in an interview that her Hunger Games role was the first time a woman starred an action movie. She was met with hostile disagreement by every female star who saw action in porn.

Frontier Airlines said they’ve shut down all their customer service phone lines, and will only field customer inquiries via chat. They say that 99 percent of what customers type in chats are all caps.

Google added a feature to its Pixel phones so Wifi stays on when users enter Airplane Mode – so that they can comply with air carrier requirements, while still being able to bitch about how terrible the inflight Wifi is.

A new law in South Korea standardizes citizens age. Many South Koreans consider newborns 1 year old instead of 0, so the new standard will lower most ages by at least a year. This is good news for most everyone except guys with teen girifriends they thought were legal.

WNBA star Britney Griner was released from a Russian detention camp and will return to the U.S. in a prisoner swap for a convicted Russian arms dealer, after the Russians repeatedly refused the U.S.’ offer of Ben Simmons.

The Taliban staged their first public execution since retaking control of their country – angering citizens who had tuned in expecting to see the latest installment of Afghanistan’s Got Talent.

A Florida man was arrested for having sex with a dog, and wrecking a nearby church nativity display. Other neighborhood dogs were warned to be on the lookout for Manger Danger.

Singer Celine Dion cancelled concerts, saying she’s been diagnosed with a neurological condition called ‘stiff person syndrome’. Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee said it never stopped him.

Google will combine the personnel of their two navigation apps, Google Maps and Waze, resulting in dozens of employees receiving directions to the nearest unemployment office.

The FBI criticized Apple’s move to implement end-to-end encryption on user data stored via iCloud, so that only authorized devices can decrypt it. They cited as evidence the Oath Keepers decision to switch executive Christmas gifts from AR-15s to iPhone 14s.

Nantucket legalized topless beaches for all genders, meaning more male beachgoers can potentially qualify to be that guy in the limerick.

Elon Musk criticized the City of San Francisco for investigating Twitter offices after he installed beds for “tired workers”. The city just wants to make sure nobody is having sex in Office SpaceXXX.

Actress Christina Applegate revealed how she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, saying it “sucked balls”. Her doctor was quick to point out that’s not really how you get MS.

A puppy survived after swimming across the Hudson River from New York until it was rescued under a New Jersey pier. Although the puppy admitted it didn’t exactly swim the whole way, it was able to walk on floating bodies for long stretches of the trip.

Kraft Foods is testing a plant-based Philadelphia Cream Cheese. Philadelphians in the product trial will put in on bagels, then throw it at visiting New York Giants players.

A McDonald’s franchisee in the Pittsburgh area was found in violation of multiple child labor laws. The investigation was brought on by a whistleblower whose one-piece footie pajamas caught fire while operating a deep fryer.

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen will have her signature on U.S. currency. Although there isn’t enough room on the bills for “Put on a sweater, you’ll catch cold. Janet Yellen”.

Kim Jong Un told North Koreans to give their children patriotic names like Chung Sim (loyalty), Chong Il (gun), Pok Il (bomb) or Ui Song (satellite). In other news, the North Korean Gerber Baby contest winner was named, it’s Chung Chong Pok Song [Loyal Gun Bomb Satellite].

The New York Yankees are reportedly resigning slugger Aaron Judge to a 9-year, $360 million contract. It’s the largest payment to a Judge since Donald Trump paid Aileen Cannon before her rulings in the Mar-a-Lago documents case.

Time Magazine’s 2022 Person of the Year is Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. They cited his leadership of Ukraine during the Russian invasion, and the fact that so may people know who he is despite not having a TikTok account.

A new study finds winter is worse for cold, flu & COVID viruses because temperature drops limit immune response in the nose. Doctors say to wash your hands and stick your fingers in your nostrils to warm things up and get your nose in fighting shape.

The very last Boeing 747 jumbo jet was completed, ending the aircraft’s iconic run. It will be placed into immediate service flying Kylie Jenner 12 miles to yoga class.

Herschel Walker was defeated in his attempt to become U.S. Senator representing Georgia. Walker’s stat line: 1 run; no gain.

Microsoft signed a 10-year deal to bring Call of Duty games to Nintendo platforms. “It’s a-me! Heavy enemy fire! I’m-a getting my-a f**king head-a blown off!!” said a wounded soldier in the bloody Battle Of Mushroom Kingdom.

Outsiders are questioning why a former Amazon executive is being paid $800,000 per year to run the Bezos Academy Preschool, founded by Jeff Bezos. The executive, Michael George, claims it isn’t easy teaching 4-year-olds to piss in a bottle while working a 10-hour shift.

Oxford Dictionary chose ‘goblin mode’ – behavior which is unapologetically self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly, or greedy – as their word of the year. Editors at Oxford Dictionary are operating in goblin mode since they’re too lazy to pick a word of the year that’s actually one word.

Beijing has dropped the requirement to show a negative COVID test to enter supermarkets and offices, saying they’re just about ready to release New & Improved COVID-22, anyway.

Donald Trump failed to disclose a $19 million dollar loan from South Korean company Daewoo while President. He also failed to disclose the Daewoo sedan he gave to son Eric as a high school graduation gift.

Facebook’s oversight board criticized their VIP ‘cross check’ program, which allows celebrities, politicians and influencers extra leeway when violating the platform’s speech guidelines, and also counts ‘Maybes’ as ‘Going’ for their parties & events.

Google launched ‘continuous scroll’ for search results, so you can avoid having to click through multiple pages before deciding to just use the first result like you always do.

The owner of a North Philadelphia gas station hired armed guards to patrol his property amidst the city’s violent crime spree. Regular gas is $3.80/gallon, plus the now-customary tip for not getting jumped and carjacked.

Amazon is lauching a subscription gaming service in India, starting with flagship title Super Patel Brothers.

A new study finds metro=U.S. office buildings will lose over $450 billion in value as workers turn to working at home. Panhandlers will also lose billions in donations since at-home workers ignore them standing next to their mailboxes.

Actor Neal Bledsoe, co-star of multiple Great American Family channel Christmas movies, will no longer do so following GAF’s focus on traditional hetero relationships. Bledsoe will return to the small town where he grew up and consult with the single mom he went to high school with who now manages the village candy store.

JCPenney CEO Marc Rosen told CNN he believes the store is still relevant to younger shoppers – younger than 80.

Donald Trump suggested throwing out the U.S. Constitution. He was then told that the availability of McRib was not included in it.

Tens of thousands of North Carolina residents are without power after a utility substation was bombarded with gunfire, causing millions in damage. Shockingly, the shooters missed the opossum they were hunting for dinner.

ABC News President said Good Morning America co-anchors Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes – who cheated on their spouses with each other – will not appear for their 1pm show today, since their affair damages the ‘GMA brand’. The ‘GMA brand’ represents people who watch tv at 1 in the afternoon and don’t have sex.

Bob McGrath, an original star of Sesame Street, passed away at age 90. He will be eulogized in a speech of numbers 1 through 90 by The Count, in a ceremony brought to you by the letter D.

Rapper Travis Scott and partner Kylie Jenner were criticized for taking separate private jets from California to Scott’s performance at Art Basel in Miami. This was before it was discovered their two children, ages 4 years and 10 months, flew from L.A. to Miami on Spirit.

Kelly Clarkson alleges a strange man keeps showing up at her house leaving unwanted gifts, and has repeatedly called the cops. The man repeatedly told the cops he has a standing daily delivery of Popeye’s chicken.

WWE wrestling Hall Of Famer Barry Windham is in an intensive care unit after suffering a heart attack in the Atlanta airport. Windham was revived after several travelers dove off of phone charging stations on to his chest.

Hip-hop producer Metro Boomin launched his ‘Single Moms Are Superheroes’ by inviting dozens of single moms to the Steelers/Falcons NFL game at Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium. The moms wondered if they’re superheroes, why didn’t they get invited to a game between better teams.

TV personality Jesse James denied cheating on his pregnant wife, ex-pornstar Bonnie Rotten, while admitting to calling her a ‘retard’ during a fight. Great American Family network halted production on their 2023 holiday movie Rotten Christmas Baby.

Olympic champion diver Greg Louganis is auctioning off over 50 personal items to benefit LGBT charities. One of the items is a Speedo he wore during the Olympics, which was expected to fetch over $50,000, but declined in value once bidders found out he washed it.

InfoWars’ Alex Jones, who was found liable for millions in damages owed to Sandy Hook shooting victims’ families, filed for personal bankruptcy. The personal finance bankruptcy adds to his moral and intellectual bankruptcies.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to a 7 Eleven and bought the store’s entire inventory of Snickers bars, to make up for all the ones he shoplifted as a kid. Johnson has yet to respond to people saying he stole their money when they bought Black Adam tickets.

Joe Biden held his first White House state dinner. Nancy Pelosi attended with her daughter Alexandra; her husband chose to stay home and get hammered.

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s health remains in question, as a report emerged that he fell down a flight of stairs and soiled himself. The report came from a guy who wishes he had a different job than doing Vladimir Putin’s laundry.

Kanye West appeared on InfoWars and praised Adolf Hitler. Kanye is now officially the Player To Be Named Later in a; proposed swap to free Britney Griner.

A McDonald’s worker said she quit after her first week because she was assigned to drive-thru work on her first day with no training. On the bright side, she now knows the phrase “pull up to the next window” in six languages.

A Disneyland visitor said Minnie Mouse was cruel to her toddler. The child repeatedly tried to hug Minnie, but the character kept spinning the child around for a photo – a technique Disney insiders call “love and shove”. Mickey Mouse said that when he’s alone with Minnie, “love and shove” means something totally different.

Physics teacher Kristy Buchan resigned from her job after students found her Only Fans account. Buchan said she needed the money to pay her mortgage and treat her sick son – but the son said he was sick of classmates showing him naked pictures of his mom.

A 20-year-old Georgia woman was rescued from a dog crate by another woman claiming her as a sex slave. The resident dog is just happy to have his bed back.

Lava from the Mauna Loa volcano eruption threatens to take out the main highway running through Hawai’i’s Big Island. Officials have so far refused the suggestion from the Hawai’i Republican Committee to stop it by building a wall.

Prince William’s godmother, Royal Aide Lady Susan Hussey, resigned from official duties at Buckingham Palace after racist questions directed toward a black visitor. It’s the end of a storied career for a shameless Hussey.

The Bidens’ first White House state dinner, honoring France’s Emmanuel Macron, will feature a menu of poached lobster or beef with shallot marmalade – the latter made from Whoppers & Big Macs frozen after the last White House state dinner.

In a People magazine interview marking the 30th anniversary of Home Alone 2, actor Joe Pesci said he suffered serious burns when his burglar character’s head was set on fire. He added that Macaulay Culkin had no sympathy, telling him to get his shine box and get back to work.

ABC Good Morning America co-anchors Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes each left their spouses after rumors surfaced of a months-long affair. Their Good Mornings were allegedly followed by Great Afternoons.

China is set to loosen COVID restrictions following a week of citizen protests, and the Chinese government’s grudging admission that COVID can’t be beaten out of people.

A bloody brawl broke out between fans at the Colorado Avalanche/Winnipeg Jets NHL game in Winnipeg Wednesday night, resulting in two arrests, and three tryout contracts for the fighters.

A Texas attorney was arrested after firing a handgun at his ex-girlfriend in the bar where she worked. He was released after posting $40,000 bond, which was a very light bail for attempted murder, but still pretty expensive for a few shots.

A Puyallup, Washington barber was shot while cutting an 8-year-old’s hair – apparently the 10-year-old who’d just gotten their haircut wasn’t happy with the results.

In Florida, the CEO of an engineering company was arrested in a motel for attacking his girlfriend with her sex toy, bruising her torso. However the girlfriend said the injury happened before the fight, because the guy is really bad at using sex toys.

Five cars rented by Joe Biden’s Secret Service detail burst into flames after they were returned to the Nantucket Airport. Worse, they didn’t pay for the insurance from Hertz.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian finalized their divorce settlement, with West paying $200,000 each month in child support. Kardashian insists the settlement is amicable, but then enrolled their kids in Hebrew school.

Mitch McConnell was called a loser by Donald Trump for saying that Trump’s dinner with anti-Semites Kanye West & Nick Fuentes aren’t the behavior of someone who would be elected President – but it’s probably okay if they’re running for Governor of North Dakota.

San Francisco approved a measure enabling SFPD’s use of remote-controlled robots to apply lethal force when necessary. In other news, SFPD projects a 30% one-week decline in homeless panhandlers.

Dr. Mehmet Oz is reportedly failing in an effort to relaunch his tv show after being defeated in a run for U.S. Senate. In the meantime he’ll launch a newsletter so you can stay abreast of which of supplements will let you poop your way to weight loss.

The Washington D.C. Police Department is reportedly trying to poach Philadelphia police officers by offering a $20,000 hiring bonus. Philly cops are interested, but prefer the bonuses be delivered as cash stuffed in a paper bag behind a Wawa.

Oath Keepers leader Stewart Rhodes was found guilty of seditious conspiracy, and could face decades in prison, where he’ll likely make and keep an oath of monogamy to his cellmate.

Three women will referee a men’s World Cup match for the first time – a huge leap forward in showing a global audience that women can be just as terrible officiating soccer as men.

Developers are planning a supertall skyscraper in Austin, Texas, believed to
be over 980 feet high. From the observation deck, you’ll be able to view more
hipsters at once than anywhere else in the world.

A new experimental drug appears to slow the progression of Alzheimer’s in a
clinical trial. Patients receiving the drug were 75% more likely than a
placebo-control group to recall specific plot points in NCIS and Matlock
episodes.

 

Actor Clarence Gilyard, Jr. – who portrayed computer whiz Theo in Die Hard – passed away at age 66. He’s believed to have been the last surviving member of Hans Gruber’s crew, with the possible exception of that one guy who looked like Huey Lewis.

The United States plans to provide assistance as Russia continues to knock out power stations supplying heat to Ukrainian cities. President Biden has authorized sending a 10-ton shipment from the U.S.’ strategic reserve of Snuggies.

Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes and wife Brittany welcomed their second child, a boy, after he completed a successful down-and-out route.

Stowaways clung to the rudder of a tanker ship which sailed for 11 days from Nigeria to the Canary Islands. The three men decided to board the rudder, figuring they were less likely to get sick than by using the free Carnival cruise certificates they had.

An Arizona school teacher was banned from OnlyFans after filming sex in a classroom, which violated their policy against sharing sex acts filmed in a public place. “Uh oh” said a nude OnlyFans model bouncing at a SkyZone indoor trampoline park.

Former The View co-host Meghan McCain said the behavior of defeated Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake – who’s made baseless fraud claims – has been “so gross”. McCain made the comments on her new podcast ‘The Pot Talks About Kettles’.

A Minnesota woman was exposed to toxic levels of mercury from repeated use of beauty creams. You can measure her hot flashes by how high the redness gets on her forehead.

Philadelphia Police caught three men who’d stolen $40,000 worth of goods from a Verizon store in New Jersey. Meanwhile, several other men who’d robbed a Boost Mobile store looked at their loot and decided they need to rob a store with stuff people actually want.

A Florida woman is suing Kraft Heinz Foods Company for $5 million, claiming the 3-minute cooking time for Velveeta Mac & Cheese is misleading. She’s asking for a lot of money and a speedy trial, because she only has several months to live after eating so much Velveeta Mac & Cheese.

A Marine Corps veteran at a Los Angeles Lakers game was awarded Fan Of The Game when she chugged beer out of her prosthetic leg. She was given a $100 gift card, which she used to buy two more beers. She now has $30 left on the card.

The U.S. Coast Guard rescued a man who went overboard after leaving a bar on a Carnival Cruise ship bound for Mexico, upping their rescue record for overboard drunks to 1-for-10,000.

A water main break at Bridgestone Arena in Nashville forced the postponement of the NHL Nashville Predators/Colorado Avalanche game, since neither team agreed to play floor hockey instead of ice hockey.

Former German Prime Minister Angela Merkel said at the end of her term there was nothing she could do to influence the behavior of Russian President Vladimir Putin – since she was 67 and not that hot anymore.

Elon Musk will reintroduce verification to Twitter, with blue checks for individuals, grey for corporate accounts and gold for government. All will be manually verified, so Musk is considering black checks indicating who’s dead by the time they finish.

Kanye West is running for President in 2024. Nobody thinks he’ll win, but everyone is dying to watch him debate.

Researchers from Australia National University claim to have found ‘the world’s oldest meal’ in 550-million-year-old fossils unearthed in Russia. It’s a Swanson Hungry Cro-Magnon Man Salisbury Steak Look-At-Cave-Wall dinner.

Jennifer Lopez announced a new project ‘This Is Me..Now’ which “chronicles the emotional, spiritual and psychological journey that she has taken over the past two decades.” Male fans asked “that’s all great but how’s your ass holding up?”

Fashion house Balenciaga apologized for photos featuring small children holding bags depicting teddy bears wearing bondage gear. Critics said if little kids wanted to hang around bears in bondage gear, they could go to their hairy gay grandfather’s house.

Fired University of Tennessee football coach Jeremy Pruitt admitted to giving a player’s mother $300 in a Chick-fil-A bag to help her with personal expenses, in violation of NCAA rules. The mother turned him in because there wasn’t any food in it.

A 48,500-year-old virus has been revived from permafrost in Siberia, and has already replicated itself in a lab. It was discovered next to the frozen body of a Siberian guy with herpes.

No Jokes Tomorrow – Have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday! cd

The Supreme Court ruled Congress may obtain Donald Trump’s tax returns. Now they just need to find the H&R Block store in Russia that prepared them.

Ice Cube said he missed out on a $9 million film role because he wouldn’t get the COVID vaccine. Cube argued that he’s a member of NWAA – N**gas With Adequate Antibodies.

Hundreds of workers at Apple’s largest manufacturing plant in China fought with guards over restrictive COVID lockdowns at employee dormitories. No one can figure out how to stop the violence, because all the factory’s Genius Bar employees were knocked out.

Kanye West reportedly showed Adidas employees intimate nude photos of ex-wife Kim Kardashian. He’s accused of showing dozens of people something they’ve already seen dozens of times.

Pennsylvania’s Attorney General received 2,500 complaints about Taylor Swift tickets. They also received a complaint about Ed Sheeran tickets – but that was just a guy mad that his girlfriend bought Ed Sheeran tickets.

Joe Biden extended the freeze on student loan payments until June, giving underemployed grads the flexibility to default on car loans instead.

Georgia GOP candidate for U.S. Senate Herschel Walker declared a primary residence in the state of Texas. “So what?” asked Dr. Oz.

A former Catholic priest in Louisiana pleaded guilty to obscenity charges after filming sex with two female dominatrices on the altar of a church. Asked to explain why he was there with two women, he said he’d given altar boys the night off.

Singer Jordin Sparks joined Kelly Rowland in defense of Chris Brown, whose American Music Awards tribute to Michael Jackson was cancelled. Reached for comment, Brown said “I’d hit that”.

Titanic director James Cameron said he almost didn’t give the lead role of Jack to Leonardo DiCaprio due to DiCaprio’s diva attitude during casting. Cameron admits the movie turned our far better with DiCaprio than with his alternate choice, Jim Varney.

A fisherman in the UK caught the largest goldfish ever recorded at 67 pounds, then destroyed an entire floor of his house flushing it down the toilet.

Four teenage girls were rescued from a stuck roller coaster in Sacramento County, California. None of them bought the pictures after being rescued.

Reality TV stars Todd and Julie Chrisley were convicted on multiple fraud charges and sentenced to 12 and 7 years in prison, respectively. Sadly, no prison time was announced for the executives who put ‘Chrisley Knows Best‘ on the air.

At the FIFA World Cup, Saudi Arabia upset favorite Argentina 2-1, staving off their beheadings for at least a few more days.

After Qatar banned beer sales at World Cup stadiums, tournament sponsor Budweiser decided they’ll ship the surplus beer to the country that wins the tournament. It’s expected the country that wins will decide to send it to a third-world nation.

The National Park Service will rename the Indian Gardens portion of the Grand Canyon at the request of the native Havasupai Tribe. Starting in 2023, the area will be known as Cleveland Guardians Gardens.

Experts say Thanksgiving 2022 will be the most expensive travel holiday, with Americans paying some of the highest ticket prices ever for flights they hope will be cancelled.

A paddleboarder’s iPhone she’d lost in the ocean washed ashore 460 days later in perfect condition. She thanked the man who found it on the beach and contacted her, then deleted a bunch of lewd selfies of whale and shark genitals taken two weeks ago.

A viral video shows a man openly smoking a crack pipe on a New York City subway car. Then it shows other passengers asking to share it after someone broke out a guitar and started singing for tips.

An animal behaviorist claims the “mystery” of sheep walking in a circle for 12 days straight is frustration over being penned in. In other news. several dozen people have been walking in a circle for 10 days straight outside of a Walmart waiting for 4a.m. on Black Friday.

Following a user poll, Elon Musk reinstated Donald Trump’s Twitter account. Trump has yet to use his account because he wants to support his own Truth Social, and because he’s been unsuccessful navigating Twitter’s Reset Password process.

Analysts at Yelp compiled their list of The 10 Best Dive Bars in New York City. Establishments qualified as ‘dive bars’ by virtue of offering a martini priced under $20.

Tanya Herbert of Houston, Texas is now recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as having the largest feet for a woman, 13 inches long and a size 18. Guinness officials also confirmed a Bigfoot sighting in a Houston area TJ Maxx.

A mountain lion attacked and killed a chihuahua after the owner finished walking the dog near their Hollywood Hills, California home. The mountain lion was described as “still hungry”.

A woman gave birth to twins from embryos frozen 30 years ago. The twins are both healthy despite being labeled ‘Best if used by 10/92’.

An international consulting firm study states employers will be giving employees their biggest salary increases in 15 years – telling workers who get Meets Expectations on their annual review to brace for a whopping 1.1% increase instead of 1.0%.

Chimpanzees are capable of sharing experiences with each other, a trait once thought to be only exhibited by humans. Researchers made the discovery after watching chimps share boring pictures with other chimps of their camping trip.

Producers of the American Music Awards cancelled Chris Brown’s planned medley & dance tribute to Michael Jackson. Apparently in rehearsals, whenever Brown got to Beat It, all of the women ran away.

In England, a man with a metal detector found a medieval-era diamond & gold ring valued at over $44,000 – ending his streak of 22,565 bottle caps.

OnlyFans is adding shopping features. Soon subscribers will be able to purchase authentic game-worn lingerie from their favorite creators.

Facebook will remove Religion, Political Views & Sexual Orientation information fields from user profiles – making it harder than ever for Bisexual Muslim MAGA Republicans to find each other.

Starbucks workers staged a walkout to protest working conditions, wages, resistance to unionization, and other issues. They seek better pay, adequate staffing, and the ability to limit drink orders to 30 words or less.

Bruce Springsteen invited Taylor Swift to join the E Street Band. She declined, saying she doesn’t want her ticket prices to drop below $1,000.

Qatar is banning beer sales during World Cup games. Soccer hooligans are asked to buy full cans of non-alcoholic Bud Zero to bash over each other’s heads.

China state media reported over 100,000 workers were recruited to work at the country’s largest iPhone factory. They just need to figure out how to get to China after being fired from Twitter.

Tom Brady & Gisele Bundchen’s Luz Foundation – a charitable organization they established – gave away just 0.00008% of their net worth over 13 years spanning 2007 to 2019. “Thanks, Tom!” said the guy in charge of inflating footballs for the New England Patriots.

Dozens of sheep in China’s Inner Mongolia have been walking in a circle for 12 days straight. Finally, a ewe convinced a ram to stop and ask for directions.

QVC shopping network premiered its first-ever streaming Christmas movie, Holly & the Hot Chocolate. It can be yours for just four easy installments of 25 minutes each.

Heavy equipment manufacturer Caterpillar was fined after a worker fell into an open vat of molten iron heated to more than 2.000 degrees. Caterpillar also refunded a town’s purchase after they bought a backhoe with a skull sticking out of it.

Candace Cameron Bure blames the media for backlash that her Great American Family channel Christmas movies will only feature “traditional” marriage. She also said her movies will not feature Christmas music from the Trans Siberian Orchestra.

Tennessee’s Attorney General launched an investigation into Ticketmaster over residents’ inability to get Taylor Swift tickets. Thousands of rural Tennesseeans waited in line outside of a record store before realizing they needed Internet access.

Medical journal Human Reproduction Update claims the global decline in male sperm counts is accelerating at an increasing rate. “Coulda fooled me” said women in the Planned Parenthood waiting room, and Moms doing laundry.

A blizzard with up to four feet of snow is forecast for Buffalo, NY – and may force the relocation of Sunday’s Buffalo Bills home game against the Cleveland Browns. If not, it will force tailgating Bills fans to find folding tables with five-foot long legs to dive on.

Tim Allen returns to his 90s holiday movie role in Disney+ series The Santa Clauses, where Allen, as Santa, decides he’s only going to deliver toys to red states.

Jay Leno underwent skin graft surgery and is being treated in a hyperbaric chamber after suffering gasoline burns to his face, hands & chest. Nurses are unsuccessfully attempting to swap out of burn unit shifts since they’ve already heard the jokes.

Peacock documentary Casey Anthony: Where The Truth Lies debuts November 29th. According to the presiding judge at her trial, Casey’s new claim that her father killed the baby means The Truth Lies somewhere other than Casey Anthony’s mouth.

Kim Kardashian shared a bunch of lingerie photos to promote the opening of her SKIMS Holiday Pop-Up – inspiring more than a few Holiday pop-ups from dateless losers looking at them.

NBC ‘Today’ show co-host Jenna Bush Hager told co-host Hoda Kotb she “never wears underwear”, saying “it makes a more pretty silhouette”. Although show producers say it also makes for added expense on wardrobe and chairs.

The United States agreed to send high-tech Abrams battle tanks to Ukraine, but are manufacturing them instead of shipping them out of existing inventory. This will allow Ukraine to add features like heated seats and Apple TankPlay.

King Charles evicted scandal-plagued Prince Andrew from Buckingham Palace. With Epstein Island no longer available, Andrew may seek refuge at Epstein London Basement Studio Apartment.

The FBI seized a website used by a notorious ransomware gang which demanded hundreds of millions of dollars in payment – ticketmaster.com .

As a counter to singles who find partners during winter’s ‘Cuffing season’, a new dating trend, ‘Snow storming’ has emerged, where singles dump longtime partners in winter. Men are looking for variety, women are looking to avoid arguments when they jack the thermostat to 80 degrees.

Houston police arrested 58-year-old Lisa Coleman, dubbed the “high-heeled hijacker” for shoes she wore during a series of robberies at stores and a bank. “Hijacker” didn’t seem to fit, but they said she didn’t have the body for “big boob” or “big booty” bandit.

On ABC’s ‘The View‘ Wednesday, discussion of classified documents found at Mike Pence’s home was disrupted by an audible fart noise as co-host Sara Haines shifted in her chair. The fart noise being attibuted to Haines effectively ended Joy Behar’s 10-episode streak.

The Virginia school where a 6-year-old boy shot his teacher was reportedly warned three times that he possessed a weapon – twice by teachers warning administrators, and once by the director of the school play holding auditions for Annie Get Your Gun.

Hyejeong Shin, 29, is accused of showing a forged birth certificate so she could attend freshman classes at New Brunswick High School in New Jersey. She’s also accused of disrupting classes for other 29-year-old New Jersey high schoolers who’ve been held back 12 times.

Artificial intelligence chatbot ChatGPT passed an exam at the Wharton School of Business at a B- level. Despite the so-so score, it’s starting at job at DadGPT’s company and will be harassing WomenGPT in no time.

A German cinema broke the world record by installing the largest IMAX movie screen, 8,770 square feet. They also inadvertently broke the record for most people asleep at the movies during a showing of the three-hour Avatar: The Way of Water.