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Some fans at Taylor Swift concerts say they’re wearing adult diapers so they don’t miss a single song of her 3-hour-plus set. Others wore them because they haven’t been the same since having the kids they brought to the concert.

A Georgia gun store owner told CNN he’s closing because of gun violence against children, specifically school shootings. As he sells off remaining inventory, he’s requiring customers to sign an agreement to only use their new guns to shoot adults.

Glamour magazine’s UK edition cover featured Logan Brown, a pregnant transgender male showing off his baby bump. Brown’s name was added after readers initially thought Kylie Jenner had really let herself go.

Facebook parent company Meta is telling workers to return to the office 3 days a week starting in September – and being “Interested” in coming back won’t cut it.

A federal judge ruled that a warrant is required for border patrol to search the smartphones of immigrants entering the country illegally. Border agents searching phones had reportedly memorized the customer service number at Boost Mobile.

Megan Carlisle, a Pennsylvania teacher, was arrested for having sex with a 15-year-old student and sending him nudes via Snapchat after fondling him during his in-school suspension. Once the school had a 56-year-old male gym teacher take over in-school suspension, the other 15-year-old boys started behaving better.

Andrew Bedwell, a British sailor attempting a world record by crossing the Atlantic in a boat just over 3 feet long, had his voyage ended after the boat took on water – from his bladder.

A pregnant Thai woman is accused of murdering up to 13 people by poisoning them with cyanide in their drinks. Cops are asking other women to donate breast milk because they don’t exactly trust her after the baby arrives.

Records released by the Bureau of Prisons reveal at the time of his incarceration Jeffrey Epstein was treated for chlamydia, sleep apnea, back pain, constipation, high blood pressure & prediabetes. He also listed 10 different sex partners in the prior five years, each of whom admitted he might not have been that hot.

A black activist criticized Disney’s new ‘The Little Mermaid‘ for erasing mentions of black slavery in the Caribbean. However, the same activist conceded Snow White accurately depicted slavery among dwarfs.

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Britney Spears has given consent for ex-husband Kevin Federline to move their two sons to Hawai’i with his current wife. Britney said at first she was concerned about them being in a foreign country.

MMA fighter Mike Dragich was captured on viral video wrestling with a 10-foot alligator that had gotten on the grounds of a Jacksonville, Florida elementary school. He eventually subdued the gator, and took away the assault weapon it was carrying.

The House of Representatives passed a debt ceiling bill, after Speaker Kevin McCarthy told them if they didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to use the government Visa card for birthday pizza parties.

The National Eating Disorders Association helpline is replacing hundreds of staffers and volunteers with a chatbot named Tessa. Tessa was selected for her knowledge of eating disorders, and her great work at the Butterball Turkey tip line.

A new study finds Massachusetts is the most expensive state for child care, at an average of almost $21,000 annually. The cheapest is Mississippi, where it costs just over $5,000 per year to toss your kid on the pile with the rest of them.

Rapper Azealia Banks posted a warning to Taylor Swift, calling rumored new boyfriend Matty Healy an “incel” and to not “let..him climb the rich white coochie mountain”. Healy hopes to join John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhall, Harry Styles, and a handful of explorers who successfully summited Rich White Coochie Mountain.

A triple shooting took place just outside the emergency room entrance to Temple Hospital in Philadelphia. The victims walked everal feet to get inside, then held their wounds with one hand while they filled out paperwork with the other for 45 minutes.

On the latest episode of The Kardashians, Kim is seen telling her ex Pete Davidson “what you’re getting yourself into” at the start of their romance – as she holds up a pair of her signature Skims underwear.

Kelly Ripa said that Bravo host Andy Cohen iMessage’d her a photo of his lover’s erect penis while she was looking at her work iPad. Ripa said she closed the message instead of accepting Cohen’s invite to “watch what happens live”.

The Federal Trade Commission alleges Ring doorbell cameras were not secure for years, allowing one Ring employee to watch video footage of 81 different women. The employee admitted watching the footage, but said it took him forever to find 81 women who had sex on their front porch.

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Ocean City, New Jersey implemented a new curfew and other restrictions after the mayor said crowds of unruly teens threaten their status as ‘America’s Greatest Family Resort’. Teens are encouraged to go to Wildwood, to help retain their status as ‘America’s Dirtbag Headquarters’.

Chris Christie is set to announce his 2024 presidential campaign. His run for president is the only run he’s done in a really long time.

The head of U.S. Border Patrol is retiring. The occasion will be marked by a ceremony with the one-millionth illegal immigrant of his tenure entering the U.S. while he isn’t looking.

83-year-old Al Pacino is expecting a child with girlfriend Noor Alfallah. The pregnancy comes as a surprise for Pacino, who thought his whole system was out of order!!

HBO estimates 2.9 million people watched the Succession finale Sunday night – although somehow an estimated 4 million people bitched about it on social media afterward.

Retired baseball star Alex Rodriguez said he’s been diagnosed with early-stage gum disease. He said because of that he’s considering quitting gum.

Researchers unearthing 1,500-year-old mass burial sites in England are using skeletal DNA to learn about the bacteria that caused the plague. They tried using teeth, but most of those were already lost to British cooking & hygiene.

Convicted Manson Family murderer Leslie Van Houten was recommended for parole in California, but faces a legal battle since Governor Gavin Newsom had barred her release. Van Houten’s lawyers argue that Van Houten is in her 70s and only has limited time to get her ownn reality show.

Chick-fil-A hired its first-ever head of diversity, equity and inclusion – in order to ensure the company is staffed with a representive mix of ages, ethnicities and skin color of straight people.

A choir on America’s Got Talent paid tribute to prior-season contestant Nightbirde, who’d since died of cancer, performing a song she’d written and sung on the show. It made judge Simon Cowell cry before telling them that their harmonies were flat and terrible.

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A new trend is for brides to get a haircut between the ceremony and reception to symbolize the start of something new. Although some brides are angry when the groom mentions liking the new ‘do because it reminds them of the bride’s sister.

Gun shots were fired and a teen was critically injured during a party in the empty parking lot at a Philadelphia soccer stadium. Cops say this is the most excitement they’ve ever seen at a soccer venue.

Venice’s grand canal mysteriously turned bright green. “Its-a il burlone (the Joker)”, said Italian Batman.

A Carnival Cruise liner returning from the Bahamas encountered hurricane force winds and waves, flooding the ship and making dozens of passengers even more violently ill than they usually get from the buffet.

Researchers believe an increase in colon cancer among younger patients is caused by fungus usually found in toe nails. They believe parents may be putting their foot up the ass of their kids to make them get a job.

Scientists believe the predominant cause of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome may be a defective brain receptor controlling breathing – followed closely by one-star rated Care.com babysitters

The NBA Philadelphia 76ers hired Nick Nurse as their new head coach. Nurse promises to deliver a championship to whatever team he works for after the Sixers fire him.

2.7 million travelers flew commercial U.S. airlines over the Memorial Day weekend, the most since Thanksgiving 2019. Both Southwest and Spirit say they set new records for the number of flight attendants knocked out by passengers.

A new study finds that weightlifting & resistance exercises focused on the legs helps prevent heart attack victims from a second episode. Or you can just sit on the couch and not do squats.

An Australian man was able to pry his head out of the jaws of a crocodile after being attacked while snorkeling. The man suffered minor injuries, and the crocodile is amazed how much easier it is to breathe while swimming with the snorkel he stole.

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Ford Motor Company has decided to keep AM radios in their new vehicles, following protests from baby boomers who claim they’re ready to trade in their ’98 Escort any year now.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis’ announcement of his presidential candidacy on Twitter alongside Elon Musk was delayed by technical issues. Eventually, the pair were able to get back online where Musk announced that Desantis was fired.

Kourtney Kardashian Barker and Travis Barker announced that they’re still trying to have a baby, but they’ve stopped in vitro fertilization treatments. Medical professionals say in vitro could have worked if Kourtney hadn’t insisted on putting makeup on the eggs for The Kardashians tv show.

The New England Patriots were caught violating offseason practice rules and had to forfeit several days of OTAs – organized/optional team activities. The players were sent home, and three Chinese massage therapists were sent back to Orchids Of Asia spa.

Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour comes to Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey this weekend. Swift plans to commemorate the Memorial Day weekend with a moment of silence to remember those who totally, like, died because they couldn’t get tickets.

George Washington University changed the name of their athletic teams from Colonials after student complaints that colonialism represented systemic oppression. Their new name is Revolutionaries – despite complaints from GWU athletes that it’s nearly impossible to spell.

Former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters took the stage at a concert in Berlin dressed as a Nazi officer, after a video message appeared condemning antisemitism. Waters further confused and angered the crowd by performing a medley of Kanye West’s greatest hits.

Disney announced 2,500 layoffs, with impacted employees notified via musical greeting cards playing It’s A Smaller World.

Conservative Megyn Kelly blasted Target for selling ‘tuck-friendly’ swimsuits for women with “extra material around the crotch, which no woman needs because we don’t have penises down South in Rio.” Some straight women defended the design, saying they now had a place to hold their phone.

A Princess Leia dress worn by Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher is expected to sell for over $1 million at auction – with the dress valued at $750,000, and the cocaine in the pockets making up the difference.

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Actress Marcia Gay Harden says all three of her adult children identify as queer. She, herself, is now known as Marcia Queer Harden.

The 19-year-old who crashed a U-Haul truck in to the White House fence carried a Nazi flag. What makes it even more puzzling is he was able to rent the Nazi flag from U-Haul for $2.99/day.

Target is moving some Pride Month items from the front to the back of Southern U.S. stores following customer complaints. Walmart is moving Bud Light displays from the grocery section in Southern stores to the sidewalk out front next to a sign reading “FREE”.

A man with an AK-47 assault rifle in his vehicle was arrested at a Virginia preschool after saying he was headed to the CIA. Preschool teachers called the man’s Career Day presentation “troubling”.

Following a complaint from a Florida parent, Amanda Gorman’s poem ‘The Hill We Climb’ – read at President Biden’s inauguration – was moved from the elementary section of a school library to the middle school section. Another poem, ‘I Once Knew A Man From Nantucket’, author unknown. was moved to the high school section.

A woman claims she was vomited on and refused help cleaning up by security at a Taylor Swift concert. After hearing about the incident, Swift reached out and offered the woman free tickets to a future Insane Clown Posse show.

A ProPublica investigation reveals the latest college admissions scam – research papers written by students and published in so-called scholarly journals. Among them ‘Correlation Between Boob Size and Promposals‘ by a student who ended up getting a football scholarship, anyway.

A U.K. groom briefly addressed his wedding reception as envelopes were distributed containing pictures of the bride and best man having sex. After he left, teen boys in attendance called it the best party ever, and that was before they got to have cake.

A 17-year-old Columbus, Mississippi girl was arrested and charged for having sex with underage boys at a Mother’s Day party. She was released on bond and is now the Number One requested babysitter by underage boys.

A Florida man had his arm ripped off by an alligator while drinking behind Bandito’s Bar in Port Charlotte. The victim was grateful for being dragged to safety by another patron, and doubly grateful the gator tore off the arm that wasn’t holding his drink.

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A 19-year-old U-Haul driver is accused of ramming a truck in to the fence at the White House. He was taken into custody, and the friends who are helping him move are wondering if they’ll ever get their free pizza.

The Los Angeles Dodgers reinvited a group of drag queens to their Pride Night celebration. They’d been excluded following conservative criticism, but were told by Major League Baseball they couldn’t be banned because they’re all members of the San Francisco Giants.

An empty plot of land in Dubai sold for $34 million – ending a bidding war between Dubai toddlers playing in the sand, and cats shitting in it.

A bird was killed after being struck by a baseball hit by Cleveland Guardians Will Brennan. Brennan was credited with a single; the bird was taken out of the game for lack of hustle.

New GOP presidential candidate Tim Scott fired back at Whoopi Goldberg for her saying that Scott, who’s black, has ‘Clarence Thomas syndrome’. Scott thinks the criticism is unjust, but also wouldn’t mind having a white billlionaire friend take him on expensive vacations.

A new study suggests people listen to sad songs to feel ‘connected’ to others. Men specifically listen to sad Taylor Swift songs because they want girls who like them to connect with them at the genitals.

Artificial intelligence company Sanctuary debuted Phoenix, their new humanoid robot that stands 5’7″ and can lift 55 pounds. Phoenix cost $20 million to build and can earn $17 an hour working at an Amazon warehouse.

One of America’s most popular handguns, the SIG Sauer P320 semi-automatic, is reportedly firing on its own even when holstered or sitting at rest. So say some police officers use it, as well as a guy who claims it shot his wife six times on its own.

The latest fashion trend amond Gen Z women is wearing only sheer bras and underwear as evening apparel. Men and women say they like seeing the look on Gen Z, but not on Gen XXXL.

A mother of two whose boyfriend of 15 years dumped her before their wedding spent $37,000 on a ‘revenge body’ – including a boob job, face lift, lip fillers, hair transplants, a Brazilian butt lift, liposuction, and vagina tightening. The ex-boyfriend asked how much it would cost for her to lose her kids.

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Two million dimes were stolen from the back of a tractor trailer in Northeast Philadelphia in late April. Police are questioning a couple who’ve spent the last three weeks living in a grocery store lobby next to the Coinstar machine.

38 televisions were stolen from the back of a tractor trailer in Northeast Philadelphia. In other news, two recent parolees announced the grand opening of a sports bar.

Twitter Blue users can now upload two-hour videos. Twitter Blue user Kirk Cameron logged on to Twitter to premiere his new crappy movie about God or something.

A woman was asked to step on a baggage scale before boarding a small commuter plane to the U.S. because workers doubted her claim of weighing 130 pounds. She was indeed overweight, but was allowed to board after removing her buttocks.

Mexico City airports were shut down due to ash spewed from an active volcano. Airlines operating out of Mexico offered to remove balloons full of drugs from passenger’s rectums until they could be rebooked.

Former WWE wrestler and actor John Cena said he was a hypocrite for making fun of former WWE wrestler and actor Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s movie career. Cena plans to move on and make fun of The Rock for trying to make the XFL happen.

Taylor Swift told an audience at Gillette Stadium in Massachusetts she’s “never been happier in her entire life”. She then put away the piece of paper showing how much money she’s made from the Eras Tour and continued singing.

A woman went into labor in the parking lot of the Taylor Swift concert at Gilette Stadium. She gave birth at a local hospital, but still owes $75 in fees to Ticketmaster for bringing the unborn child to the venue.

Iam Tongi of Hawai’i is the newest winner of American Idol. He wins $250,000, a recording contract, and a mention every six months in Katy Perry’s social media posts to remind everyone who he is.

Kim Kardashian talked about her “parenting challenges” raising four children – mostly remembering the names and fees of the eight nannies.

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Customers are furious that Starbucks is changing from cubed ice to crushed ice. However, more customers are furious that there’s crushed ice in the hot coffee they ordered.

Ukraine President Zelenskyy attended the G7 Summit in Japan. He’s looking forward to the cocktail party where he can get bombed figuratively instead of literally.

OpenAI is introducing a ChatGPT artificial intelligence app for iPhones. “Oh sh*t” said Siri.

Jane Fonda said a film director asked to have sex with her before filming a sex scene to understand what her orgasms are like. Even more surprising, it was during the making of ’80 For Brady‘.

Both 89-year-old Senator Dianne Feinstein and 29-year-old Justin Bieber suffered from Ramsey-Hunt syndrome, a paralysis caused by the shingles virus. It’s also known as the “Not Choosy About Looks” virus.

A man who drove his family off a cliff in their Tesla said he was pulling over to check a tire, whereas his wife says he was trying to kill them. He said he was right because he got out of the car at the bottom of the cliff and all four tires were flat.

The Masked Singer revealed Medusa – Bishop Briggs – as its newest champion. Leading to a flood of 50-and-over Google searches of ‘Who is Bishop Briggs?’

Disney will close the $4,800/night Star Wars hotel it opened just last year – resulting in the loss of about 100 jobs of hotel staff and sex droids.

Jimmy Buffett canceled a May 20th concert in Charleston after being admitted to a local hospital for treatment with a frozen concoction that helps him hang on.

The O.C. actress Rachel Bilson, who recently commented on a podcast that she likes to “be manhandled” during sex, said her frank comments cost her a job. The executive producers of ‘Paw Patrol On Broadway’ refused to comment.

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Legendary poker professional player Doyle Brunson cashed in his chips at the age of 89.

81-year-old Martha Stewart became the oldest cover model of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Parents of teenage boys describe this year’s swimsuit issue cover as “less sticky” than past years.

A juror in the Lori Vallow Daybell trial spoke to Good Morning America after she was convicted in the murders of her children following two days of deliberations. The juror said it took two days for the verdict because they didn’t want to miss Taco Tuesday.

Dottie Fideli, 77, married herself in a “dream wedding” at her Ohio retirement community. However, the wedding night hit a snag when arthritis kept her from straightening her middle and index fingers.

The famed Jersey Shore town of Wildwood is considering banning alcohol from its beaches and iconic boardwalk, so the town can focus on building its burgeoning methamphetamine business.

Uber will now allow 13-to-18-year-olds to book their own rides on the service, following driver demands that they’d like to sexually harass younger women.

Oscar Mayer is renaming their iconic Weinermobile as the Frankmobile to emphasize their new recipe for all-beef franks, and because of the dork named Frank they hired to drive it.

Billie Eilish broke up with her boyfriend of less than a year, The Neighbourhood frontman Jesse Rutherford. Eilish told him not to stop by when he’s in The Neighbourhood.

New charges were filed against a New Jersey man who’d held a woman captive for nearly a year – including Kidnapping and Being a Terrible Listener.

JoJo Siwa’s California home was robbed overnight by two burglars. Cops are on the lookout for two armed men now wearing ridiculously large bows in their hair.

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Editor’s Note: Due to personal business, there will be no Terrible Tens on Tuesday & Wednesday of this week. Back on Thursday, and thanks for reading! cd

Early clinical trials have shown impressive results treating cancer with mRNA vaccines. Which is good news for some, but probably won’t help two-pack-a-day anti-vaxxers.

1,000 rooms at New York City’s Roosevelt Hotel are being used as an emergency shelter to house migrants bused from Texas. Housekeepers at the Roosevelt report record low tips and record high towel thefts.

In Oklahoma, a 21-year-old hit a cow with his motorcycle. He was later pronounced dead, and the cow was pronounced the owner of a used motorcycle

Tornados forced the cancellation of a Donald Trump rally in Iowa, as a damaging blowhard was preempted by an even more damaging blowharder.

A dead body was found in the freezer of a Louisiana Arby’s. An autopsy is expected to confirm whether the cause of death was hypothermia or Beef & Cheddar ingestion.

A woman in South Carolina was arrested for drug trafficking when 1,500 grams of cocaine fell out of a fake pregnancy belly as she ran from cops. Even more were delivered in a holding cell via c-section.

Migrants entering the U.S. southern border attempting to claim asylum say it’s difficult to use the Federal Government’s immigration app. Customs & Border Patrol officials say the app is fine, and blame the immigrants for using Cricket Wireless.

NBA Memphis Grizzlies star Ja Morant was suspended a second time for an Instagram video where he’s seen waving a handgun. The Grizzlies are considering moving Morant from point guard to shooting guard.

A Florida professor broke a record for living 74 consecutive days underwater in a 100 square foot tank. He said the hardest part is getting Tinder matches back to his place.

McDonald’s is making progress on its goal of using recyclable packaging in all of its restaurants by 2025, and for using recycled beef in all of its burgers by 2026.

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Elon Musk announced he’d hired a woman to be the new CEO of Twitter for the two months until she quits.

A former Marine who choked a New York subway passenger to death will face a manslaughter charge. The Metropolitan Transit Authority that runs the subway is concerned this could lead to criminal charges against them for everyone who chokes on the stench of urine.

The Writers Guild of America strike is threatening to cancel the Tony Awards – meaning Broadway performers may not win trophies for performances in plays & musicals written fifty years ago.

One of two male escapees from a Philadelphia prison was arrested in the city, disguised in female Muslim apparel. He was captured without incident, except for his sister screaming that she wanted her hijab back.

A buxom woman appeared to give a lap dance to a man at a Philadelphia Phillies game. The team’s ticket office was bombarded with requests from other men wondering how they could get tickets in the Champagne Section.

ABC announced replacement hosts for Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes after the two were fired for their extramarital affair. Eva Pilgrim & DeMarco Morgan were chosen, after ABC execs concluded the two have absolutely zero romantic chemistry.

A Florida McDonald’s was found liable for second-degree burn injuries suffered by a girl after a hot McNugget from a Happy Meal fell on her leg. A jury concluded the restaurant did not provide safe handling instructions for Chicken McNuggets – including warnings that the product is hot, flavorless and probably shouldn’t be eaten.

A flower delivery service is incorporating AI to write poems on a card for Mother’s Day. Customers are warned to be very specific that the flowers are for Mother’s Day, so the poem doesn’t include “last night was amazing”.

Google Maps is rolling out Immersive View, so you can see full, multidimensional imagery and weather at all of the bathroom stops your wife & kids will make you take along the way.

Vanna White lost to Jeopardy! hosts Mayim Bialik and Ken Jennings during her first-ever time playing Wheel Of Fortune during a celebrity tournament. White admitted she had a hard time remembering letters without being able to touch them first.

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Planet Fitness is offering free memberships to teens this summer. Teens are welcome to get in shape, or to bully overweight paying members while they eat free pizza.

Google is adding its Bard artificial intelligence tool to search results, to address “questions you never thought Search could answer”. So far, Bard has been bom-bard-ed with “Why is my wife mad at me?”

A couple in the UK is raising their kids with ‘child autonomy’ – where the children make their own choices for schooling, food, bed times & chores. They say it’s cheaper because none of the kids has made it past age six.

Joran van der Sloot, convicted of murder in Peru, will be extradited to the U.S. to face charges in the disappearance of Natalie Holloway in 2005. He will return to Peru after his U.S. trial, breaking a record for airline miles earned by a double-murderer.

Gen Z women are embracing the ‘everything shower’, where they take hours-long showers to do all of their personal grooming. Then they lie flat for several hours waiting for their skin to unpucker before hiding when their parents get the water bill.

Amazon is debuting free Fire TV channels – to the delight of cheapskate seniors, which quickly switches to frustration when they realize they need a wifi password to watch old Andy Griffith Shows.

The Philadelphia Flyers named former enforcer Keith Jones as Director of Hockey Operations. Jones promised to return the team to playoff caliber, and to personally beat up anyone who disagrees with him.

An Australian vegan family has gone viral for their letter to a neighbor, where they ask to keep the windows closed when they cook meat because it makes them ill. The family then drove past an Arby’s and are in critical condition after multiple seizures.

A new study claims cannabis use is implicated in 30% of schizophrenia cases. The other 70% are trying to find out where the 30% get their weed.

Bravo host Andy Cohen asked The View co-host Sunny Hostin which of the panelists farts the most on-air. Hostin quickly replied Whoopi Goldberg, but also added Goldberg is nowhere near Rosie O’ Donnell’s record totals.

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A jury found Donald Trump liable for the sexual assault & defamation of E. Jean Carroll, awarding Carroll $5 million in damages. They could not find Trump liable of rape. Trump reacted to the decision, calling it a “full & complete exoneration”.

In the wake of his sexual assault judgment, Trump will appear in a live CNN Town Hall meeting with registered Republican voters, who are expected to grill him with tough questions about his golf scores.

Mayim Bialik sitcom ‘Call Me Kat‘ was not renewed by Fox, who Call It Kancelled.

Congressman George Santos was arrested and charged with multiple felonies including wire fraud and money laundering. Santos said he’ll respond to the charges at a news conference with his attorney Johnnie Cochran.

Ousted Fox News host Tucker Carlson said he’ll relaunch his show on Twitter, once he convinces the My Pillow Guy to pay his $8/month for verification.

The Westminster Kennel Club awarded Best In Show honors to a petit basset griffon Vendeen named Buddy Holly. The dog then wisely refused to fly to the next dog show with runners up, chihuahua Ritchie Valens and Great Dane Big Bopper.

The NFL will broadcast its first-ever Black Friday game on the day after Thanksgiving, as the New York Jets host the Miami Dolphins. The first 10,000 fans will receive a free 75-inch HDTV, so the game can replicate the trampling experience of a Walmart.

A co-founder of artificial intelligence lab Deepmind says AI will create a ‘serious number of losers’ in the job market. Asked how many losers, he said “more than all the fast food workers combined.”

A Kansas man was pulled over and arrested for DUI while wearing a Bud Light can costume. He failed a field sobriety test when he couldn’t close his eyes and touch his pull tab.

Britney Spears is again causing concern, with rumors that she drinks caffeinated beverages ‘by the gallon’ and stays awake for days on end. She was captured ordering a triple espresso and telling the barista to ‘hit me baby, ten more times’.

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Fans were forced to wait four hours huddled in covered areas for the start of Taylor Swift’s Nashville concert Sunday due to lightning & rain, leading to some experiencing blackouts, panic attacks and vomiting. Some moms were unable to get tickets for their daughters, leading to blackouts, panic attacks & vomiting.

A jury began deliberations in the rape trial of Donald Trump, following the judge’s instructions to at least sit down and warm the chairs before returning with their guilty verdict.

The owners of a sandwich shop successfully sued the city of Phoenix to have a large homeless encampment removed, saying they routinely find drug paraphernalia and excrement in front, giving potential customers two more reasons not to eat at Subway.

A Philadelphia restaurant has an entire menu composed of soft pretzels, and an entire dessert menu composed of antacid and laxatives.

Investigators believe a meteorite crashed through the roof of a home in Hopewell Township, New Jersey. Attempts to contact Superman to intercept the meteorite were unsuccessful, since even he doesn’t like visiting North Jersey.

Forte, the favorite to win the Kentucky Derby, was scratched and did not race. Forte entered a rehab facility and requests privacy during this difficult time.

A mother of three who wrote a children’s book about dealing with grief from the loss of a loved one was charged with her husband’s murder. She’s writing a follow-up book where children’s grief turns to anger.

Five Chicago gay bars are boycotting Anheuser-Busch products as the brewer distances itself from a promo partnership with a transgender influencer. An Anheuser=Busch spokesman said losing gays won’t hurt nearly as bad as losing all of the rednecks.

Usher and Chris Brown reportedly got in a fistfight in the parking lot at Brown’s birthday party, in case you were wondering what Usher has in common with Rihanna.

Two violent felons who escaped a Philadelphia prison were marked ‘Present’ by guards at three separate counts after they’d fled. The guards defended their reporting, saying they reported the two present at a nearby Hooters.

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Leonard Serrani, owner of a Brazilian waxing salon in Wayne Township, PA, is accused of inappropriate contact with multiple clients, who accuse him of waxing off.

Lehigh University’s ‘Lehigh Lightsaber Club’ students commemorated May 4th, ‘Star Wars Day’ with a costumed gathering. In turn, the Lehigh University football team marked the occasion by beating up everyone in the Lightsaber Club.

Fans accuse Kardashian matriarch-slash-‘momager’ Kris Jenner of ‘Ozempic body’ after seeing photos showing her weight loss. Jenner denies using the injection, saying she had her fat liposuctioned out so her daughters could fill their lips with it.

The leader of Wagner Group, a team of Russian mercenaries hired to fight in the attempted takeover of Ukraine, said he’s pulling his fighters out due to lack of ammunition. They were seen boarding trucks leaving Ukraine’s Bakhmut region after turning in their Nerf guns.

A jury found Ed Sheeran not guilty of plagiarizing Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On‘. Now, jurors are suing for emotional damages after having to listen to Sheeran repeatedly sing during his testimony.

A New Zealand woman discovered the pimple on the end of her nose was cancerous. She’s in good health after a surgical team popped her cancer.

Pranksters mowed the shape of a giant penis into a large lawn where a party for King Charles’ Coronation is set to take place. It’s expected to be the second-biggest dick at the party after Piers Morgan.

A 51-year-old New York woman was arrested twice for drunk driving in the span of three hours. The arresting officer said she failed the second breathalyzer, but honestly aced the second field sobriety test because she’d been practicing.

A Florida man entered a women’s poker tournament at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino and won. His good luck continued when he met a woman after collecting his winnings and pulled off an inside straight.

Jenny Craig is closing for good. The business will lose 1,000 people, or about 150,000 pounds.

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Whoopi Goldberg announced she’s co-written a graphic novel, The Change, about a grandmother named Isabel whose menopause gives her superpowers, including hot flashes that can melt both steel and her enemies.

Jon Bon Jovi says he has no issue with his 20-year-old son Jake getting engaged to 19-year-old actress Millie Bobbie Brown – saying young love eventually worked out for his dockworker friend Tommy and his waitress girlfriend Gina.

Tile, maker of tracking devices used to locate personal items, introduced Tile for Cats, a device you can attach to a feline’s collar to tell you that the cat is on the sofa 99% of the time.

A Delaware Boy Scout leader, Gary Matta, was arrested and charged with inappropriate sexual activity with a male youth between 1989 and 1992. Matta’s case is unique among Boy Scout leaders in that he only abused Scouts for four years.

Three separate road rage shootings have taken place on Philadelphia highways within the past two weeks. In response, the Philadelphia Welcome Center rest stop on Interstate 95 will install vending machines that sell bullets.

A Frontier Airlines flight atttendant asked passengers to vote whether a disruptive passenger should be kicked off the flight. The passenger was removed, but then passengers asked if they could vote themselves off so they could fly a better airline.

A pregnant woman who allegedly reeked of alcohol was refused boarding on a Spirit Airlines flight, then beat up the gate agent. The woman was arrested, and Spirit said the gate agent will be retrained so that she doesn’t lose fistfights with passengers.

Viral video shows a homeless man stopping a baby stroller from rolling on to a busy highway. Then the baby still has the nerve to tell the guy he doesn’t have any change.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Logan Webb claims 75% of the team has diarrhea after playing two games in Mexico City. Ironically, they lost both games because the San Diego Padres had lots more runs.

A 27-year-old New Jersey teacher & marching band director was arrested for having a two-year sexual affair with a student. She wanted to have sex with somebody cool, so she sure as hell wasn’t going to sleep with anyone in marching band.

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U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy claims loneliness is an epidemic that’s as dangerous to Americans’ health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Cigarette giant Altria doubled down on the report, introducing new Marlboro for Incels.

The Writers Guild of America went on strike, shutting down television & movie production. Writers are seeking better pay, a share of streaming revenues, and for artificial intelligence ChatGPT to be fired as head writer for ‘Young Sheldon‘.

Russia destroyed two drones flying near the Kremlin, then accused Ukraine of attempting to assassinate Vladimir Putin with them. Ukraine denied it, but admitted it was a pretty good idea.

Gwyneth Paltrow said Ben Affleck was “technically excellent” in bed. Affleck’s current wife, Jennifer Lopez, said she’ll see if Paltrow is right once she allows Affleck to touch her.

The Department of Labor found two 10-year-olds doing unpaid work at a McDonald’s restaurant in Louisville, Kentucky, sometimes as late as 2 a.m. A manager offered little comment, except to say they were given first crack at the Happy Meal toys.

Scientists have confirmed plastics in drinking water to be found in blood, organs, gastrointestinal systems, and brains. The bad news is, the plastics could shorten life spans; the good news is, our bodies may soon be disposable in recycling bins.

Jackson Mahomes – influencer, brother of superstar quarterback Patrick Mahomes, and known idiot – was arrested and jailed for sexual battery for forcibly attempting to kiss a female club owner. Jackson is expected to be an early-round selection in the County Jail Sexual Assault Draft.

Britain’s Royal Family gathered for the rehearsal of King Charles’ Coronation ceremony. “Cut!” yelled the rehearsal director – telling Prince Harry to leave.

The U.S. Navy hired an active-duty drag queen, Joshua Kelley aka Harpy Daniels, to serve as Digital Ambassador to attact new, diverse, recruits. In addition to standard age & physical fitness requirements, new enlistees will need to learn lyrics & choreography to Village People songs.

Kevin Costner’s wife of 18 years filed for divorce. The ‘Dances With Wolves‘ star is referenced in their prenuptial agreement as ‘Pays For Everything’.

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WNBA star and freed Russian prisoner Britney Griner attended the 2023 Met Gala. She was invited in a guest swap after Viktor ‘Merchant of Death’ Bout RSVP’d ‘no’.

A cockroach was spotted on the red carpet at the Met Gala as celebrities arrived in their lavish apparel. Tickets to the event cost $50,000 each, which isn’t an obstacle for Ivanka Trump.

A study finds over 5,000 tons of toxic gaseous VOCs – volatile organic compounds -escaped from consumer products in 2020 in the state of California. The volume is expected to rise in proportion to the grand openings of new Taco Bell restaurants.

Hunter Biden appeared in Batesville, Arkansas to answer questions about his finances in a paternity case. Biden is seeking to lower support payments to Lunden Roberts, a woman who became pregnant when she was Hunter Biden’s laptop.

Pornhub banned access to the entirety of Utah over that state’s strict new age-verification requirement to view adult content. In other news, production has been halted on the set of Pornhub Original Production: ‘My Six Hot Mormon Stepmoms‘.

Television and film projects are expected to shut down in the wake of a Writers Guild of America strike. Writers are seeking more income from streaming, a minimum number of writing jobs on each tv show, and a guarantee of 50 Star Wars spinoffs every year on Disney+.

A woman who described herself as a ‘spiritual healer’ stands trial in New South Wales, Australia for the death of her friend, whose burns she treated with toxic mucus from a giant Amazonian monkey frog. Court observers describe testimony as ‘ribbiting’.

Convicted sex offender R. Kelly was moved from Illinois to a North Carolina prison that has housed Joe Exotic, the Unabomber, and John Hinckley, Jr. Multiple online betting apps installed Kelly as the moneyline favorite to win the prison Talent Show.

A 74-year-old Florida man was arrested for grabbing the crotch of a female American Airlines flight attendant. A spokesperson for Donald Trump reminded everyone that he’s 76 and doesn’t fly commercial.

General Mills is launching Kit Kat Cereal later this month. Or, just give your kids the candy bars for breakfast, they don’t really care either way.

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A bipartisan group of U.S. Senators want to ban social media use for children 13 & under. The legislation is opposed by pedophiles, who question how they’d meet young men & women.

The Stone of Scone arrived in London for King Charles’ coronation ceremony. Afterward, guests at the King’s Reception will be treated to tea and Scones of Stone.

Tim Bachman, co-founder of Bachman Turner Overdrive, passed away at age 71. His son Ryder said his last words were “I love you…please share the music” .. disappointing fans hoping they were “I’ll be takin’ care of business”.

An Arkansas mortuary worker is accused of shipping 20 boxes of human body parts to a buyer in Pennsylvania for $11,000. In a positive online review, the buyer was pleased at being able to buy brains, livers & skin without paying an arm and a leg.

A woman allegedly had a loud, full-body orgasm while attending an L.A. Philharmonic perfomance of Tchaikovsky’s 5th Symphony. The venue manager said it was unexpected, and the sort of thing that usually only happens at Air Supply concerts.

Hundreds of Catholics showed up to protest at Boston’s SatanCon, then wrapped it up to go hear a sermon from a guy who knows a lot of child molesters.

The Chino Valley, Arizona school district is trying to attract teachers by building a cluster of 400 square foot “tiny homes” that district teachers can rent for $500/month. Teachers receive a starting salary of $550/month.

Nick Cannon celebrated the birthday of his 12-year-old twins by renting out an entire Six Flags theme park – one flag for each of his baby-mamas.

A man with a self-described ‘micropenis’ went viral after he participated in a Reddit “Ask Me Anything” to explain how he meets women. He said he tries to screen for women who prefer sucking on jellybeans instead of chewing them.

Aerosmith announced a multi-city Farewell Tour. No word on opening acts, although they’ve been approached by KISS who are currently wrapping up their own Farewell Tour.

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In a new survey, the majority of Gen Z respondents say they don’t like the greeting “Hey guys” to address a mixed-gender group because of its masculine bias. They also don’t like the gender-neutral “Hey whatever you are”.

Nearly a dozen Philadelphia junior high students were sickened after drinking grape juice laced with an opioid. A dozen other students were sickened after drinking Mountain Dew Gogi Citrus Strawberry soda laced with nothing.

Lyft is laying off 1,100 corporate employees, Lyft’s biggest-ever drop.

Gay hookup website TruckerSuckers was hacked, with usernames, passwords, birthdates and private messages all stolen. Nonetheless, it’s still a big ol’ 10-4 for the annual TruckerSuckers Convoy at the Flying J in Omaha for sucking truckers.

Doctors claim oral sex is driving an epidemic of throat cancer because of HPV, and because of people who use chewing tobacco while giving head.

Video of a Spirit Airlines worker patching the wing of a jet with silver tape went viral. Insiders claim that this is common practice using an aluminum product called Speed Tape. However, the Spirit worker’s tape still had a Dollar Tree label on it.

Rihanna will star in a new Smurfs movie, where the Smurfs discover Smurfette can’t really sing.

Amazon posted a first quarter profit of $3.2 billion, exceeding Wall Street estimates, but disappointing warehouse workers who were promised a pizza party if they hit $3.2001 billion.

Cody Sprague, a North Carolina man, allegedly recorded video of a dog performing a sexual act on him. He shared the dog with his girlfriend, who subsequently threw out Sprague, and three jars of Skippy.

An independent pro wrestler, MASADA, suffered significant burns at a California event when he tried to blow a fireball at his opponent and his head was engulfed in flame. He’s at a hospital where he’s being treated for burns, and a severe concussion after fellow wrestlers tried putting out the fire with folding chairs.

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Wendy’s will sell canned chili in grocery stores – now that they’ve finally figured out how to get four-day-old hamburgers from their kitchens to a food processing plant.

Tucker Carlson was reportedly fired from Fox News after a video emerged of him calling a woman “yummy”; a second video calling his female viewers “post-menopausal”; and worse, a third video calling a female Fox News anchor “liberal”.

Montana state legislators banned transgender Democrat Zooey Zephyr from the house floor for procedural violations. Zephyr will also have to wait longer for lunch since Republicans voted to form the cafeteria line in alphabetical order.

An employee at a Chicago-area Popeye’s restaurant was captured on video dumping food on the floor and destroying the eatery because he hadn’t been paid in a month. No word on an arrest, but coworkers describe him as “strong to the finach”.

22-year-old female conjoined twins Lupita & Carmen Andrade share a torso and lower body. Carmen has a boyfriend named Daniel; Lupita considers herself asexual, which is probably for the best since her sex partner would need to take turns with Daniel.

ESPN fired baseball reporter Marly Rivera after an incident at Yankee Stadium caught on video where she called another female reporter a “f***ing c**t”. ESPN said Rivera’s language has no place on a baseball diamond before the game starts.

Daytime tv legend Jerry Springer expressed his ‘final thought’ at age 79.

Springer was mourned by Maury Povich, who declared Springer IS THE FATHER of daytime trash television.

A Royal Caribbean cruise lines passenger disappeared overboard on a voyage from Australia to Hawaii. His family is rightfully concerned, and fellow passengers are hoping this means more crab legs for them.

Sheila Keen Warren, a woman who dressed as a clown and shot her romantic rival, pled guilty to the crime. She alleged that she didn’t want to shoot the victim, but was forced to after her squirting lapel flower of poison malfunctioned.

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Mattel introduced the first Barbie doll representing a woman with Down Syndrome. She comes with a few standard accessories, but nobody’s giving her the keys to her pink Dream Car anytime soon.

Kim Kardashian said she’s taking the California bar exam again and would happily trade reality tv for a job as a full-time lawyer – since she’s been successfully getting guys off for over twenty years.

California officials arrested Dr. Stephen Gevorkian on multiple counts of practicing medicine without a license. Gevorkian said he treated some patients, but mostly met people confused by his name wanting to commit suicide.

A Philadelphia woman was found guilty of drugging her Tinder date after meeting him at a suburban hotel. She swiped right, his wallet, and car.

Washington state passed legislation banning the sale of AR-15s and other assault weapons. Republicans plan to shoot it down.

Convicted Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes, who begins her 11-year prison sentence tomorrow, reportedly named her newborn daughter Invicta, from the Greek meaning “unconquered”. She chose it because there isn’t a Greek translation for “wire fraud”.

A Harvard-schooled etiquette expert advises a three-word response when someone says something mean to you: “are you okay?”. Meanwhile, a community college-schooled expert advises a different three word response, beginning with “go” and ending with “yourself”.

Joe Biden welcomed South Korean president Yoon Seuk Yeol to the White House, but raised eyebrows when greeting him “Hey! Yoo Suk!”

New York City announced an eight-year plan to renovate the Port Authority bus terminal, with the first three years dedicated to removing homeless people.

A man arranged for his life savings to be used to pay college tuition for 33 high school graduates in Iowa. He just needs to find 23 more high school graduates in Iowa.

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An American Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing after a bird strike set an engine on fire. Passengers deplaned and were treated to a hot lunch of roast goose before boarding a new aircraft.

Fox News parted ways with Tucker Carlson. He’s rumored to be in discussions with Comedy Central to host The Other Daily Show For Assholes.

CNN fired Don Lemon, who apparently isn’t in his prime, either.

Joe Biden officially declared his candidacy for reelection in 2023, then was corrected to 2024.

Disney’s massive layoffs of over 7,000 people have hit ESPN. The cable network was forced to lay off the WNBA.

The New York Jets acquired quarterback Aaron Rodgers from the Green Bay Packers. Rodgers is expected to report just as soon as he finds a 4-bedroom 3-bath rental house for $2,500/month like he had in Wisconsin.

E. Jean Carroll’s sexual assault trial against Donald Trump starts Tuesday, with Carroll’s lawyers making opening arguments, and Trump’s lawyers asking for clarification which sexual assault of his this is about.

Amazon Pet Day – the retailer’s two-day sale – is underway. They recommend opting for the express shipping so your purchase arrives alive.

OnlyFans model Courtney Tilia, a former teacher and married mother of four, said she’s a Christian porn star. “Oh my god” is what her subscribers say when they watch her have sex.

An intervention for former ‘Jackass’ star and addict Bam Margera failed earlier this month, according to a participant. It didn’t help that friends asked Margera to return to rehab while shooting him in the balls with rubber bullets.

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Apple virtual reality headset, the Reality Pro, will reportedly cost $3,000 and run thousands of existing iPad apps, until you bump your head and the screen cracks.

Jeff Shell, CEO of Comcast’s NBC Universal division, was terminated after having an inappropriate relationship with a female employee. Like many NBC shows, Shell was cancelled.

The estate of Marvin Gaye is suing Ed Sheeran, saying one of his songs bears striking similarity to Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On’. Jurors will listen to Sheeran’s song until they beg ‘Let’s Shut It Off’.

McDonald’s is adding white onions to their signature burger patties while they’re on the grill instead of afterward. They’re receiving hundreds of complaints from customers who don’t want onions, but still want high levels of sodium, fat & calories.

Fans of Dancing With The Stars mourned the loss of former judge Len Goodman, who passed away at age 78. Funeral arrangements will be announced just as soon as pallbearers learn a proper Foxtrot.

Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is selling “Real Woman” beer can ‘koozies’, apparently in response to the Bud Light trans controversy. Huckabee Sanders wants to appear on the outside of beer cans, since her picture is already on cans of Alpo.

Bed Bath & Beyond filed for bankruptcy, as creditors refused to honor coupons for 20% off their debt.

Only 1 in 3 fourth graders in the U.S. was at or above reading proficiency according to the Department of Education. 2 out of 3, however, were absolutely killing it at Fortnite.

Caitlyn Jenner said trans influencer-slash-Bud Light promo partner Dylan Mulvaney is “fringe” and “not good” for the LGBT movement. Jenner said she has “nothing in common” with Mulvaney, although even casual observers assume there’s at least one thing they both have.

Prince Harry will attend King Charles’ coronation, but will be placed ten rows back from other members of the Royal Family. Harry is reportedly furious at both the seat location, and the $80 in fees on top of the price of the seat at Ticketmaster.

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Pearl Jam announced a brief tour of summer dates, with “fairly priced tickets” for fans. In turn, Ticketmaster announced limited-time Pearl Jam “unfairly bloated fees, even for us”.

Buzz Feed News will shut down. This will result in zero actual journalists losing jobs, plus you’ll no longer be able to take a quiz to discover which character of ‘Stranger Things‘ you’re most like.

Twitter began purging blue verification check marks from celebrities and brands who refuse to pay the $8/month fee. Social media sleuths are now on the case trying to decide which of 744 Twitter accounts is the real Corey Feldman.

Manslaughter charges were dropped against Alec Baldwin stemming from the on-set death of a cinematographer on the film ‘Rust’. The film will resume shooting in Montana, with Baldwin handling a selfie stick holding an iPhone in a bulletproof case.

A Russian woman living in New York was sentenced to 21 years in prison for attempting to kill a female friend with poisoned cheesecake to steal her identity. The friend survived, but is guilty herself about eating two slices of cheesecake.

A Colorado school bus driver is charged with 30 counts of child abuse for slamming on the bus brakes to teach young passengers the importance of staying seated. He also faces lesser charges of eating their snacks that skidded to the front of the bus.

An ultramarathon runner was disqualified and stripped of her 3rd-place finish after it was determined she rode in a car for part of the route. She was kicked out of the car when the guy driving it got tired of her fiddling with the temperature.

Barbara Walters’ Upper East Side New York apartment is up for sale for $19.75 million. It includes two spacious bedrooms, a Central Park view, and Joy Behar.

‘Because I Got High‘ rapper Afroman announced he’s running for President in 2024 as an Independent. He’s expected to take on incumbent Senileman, and GOP nominee Obese-HairplugMan.

A bear broke into a car in British Columbia and drank 69 cans of soda. The bear mostly drank Orange Crush, but appeared to stop when it tasted diet soda, because it doesn’t want cancer.

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Fox Corporation will pay $787.5 million to Dominion voting machines in a settlement of their defamation lawsuit. However, Fox still faces similar suits from Smartmatic voting machines, and Bic ball point pens for write-in ballots.

McDonald’s plans a limited-time offer to sell Big Mac sauce to customers through its app. The bad news is it’ll be dispensed by McFlurry machines which are probably broken.

New York Mets pitcher Max Scherzer was ejected from Wednesday’s game after arguing with umpires who told him his hands were too sticky. Scherzer declined to speak to the media and cancelled his postgame plans to masturbate.

Tiger Woods underwent successful ankle surgery following his withdrawal from The Masters. No timeline was given for his return to golf, but for now Woods will likely need to wear a cast while having stand-up parking lot sex with restaurant hostesses.

Nine Republican state lawmakers in Michigan supported legislation making it illegal for an unmarried man and woman to live together. The attempt failed, to the disappointment of cohabiting Michigan men & women just needing that one reason…

A Texas mother found a worm in a container of baby formula. State & federal officials are considering a recall of all Jose Cuervo baby formula products.

A pizza delivery guy in Australia who impregnated a 15-year-old girl is appealing his prison sentence, claiming she gave her consent. Her lawyers dispute the claim, saying she specifically said ‘no sausage’.

A North Carolina family was injured after a neighbor shot at them when they attempted to retrieve their basketball that rolled into his yard. The shooter remains at large, and the family has no plans to try to get their Frisbee off of his roof.

Two Iowa teens who killed a Spanish teacher over a bad grade pled guilty – or, ‘cul-PAH-blay’ in Spanish, to prove they were learning.

Facebook provided instructions to users on claiming their share of a $725 million class action judgment for the Cambridge Analytica data usage violation. Just submit the claim form and your information will be processed by Cambridge Analytica.

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The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now so large and permanent that a coastal ecosystem is thriving on it. Meanwhile the Great Atlantic Garbage Patch has officially changed its name to Wildwood, New Jersey.

Author Marilyn Minter published ‘Elder Sex‘, an erotic photo book featuring only men and women age 70 & Over. It’s the first coffee table book to offer counseling to anyone reading it.

Haribo gummy bear fans were shocked by the company’s statement that the green bear is actually strawberry flavored. And a small human infant.

The American Medical Association declared poverty the fourth-leading cause of death in the U.S. — then pronounced the entire state of Mississippi dead.

A Kansas man who went viral for smashing & exploding Bud Light beer after their partnership with a trans influencer has been arrested and charged with indecent exposure of his penis, testicles, and Busch.

A TikTok’er claims the secret to McDonald’s fries is their oil contains a beef flavoring. The company claims the fries are still vegetarian-friendly because the flavoring contains no actual meat. As opposed to the burgers, which do contain some actual meat.

Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin has been medically cleared by cardiac experts to resume football-related concussion activities.

Tesla slashed the price of its best-selling Model 3 sedan & Model Y SUV ahead of their earnings call. The bad news is batteries are not included.

An Indian couple died using a makeshift guillotine to offer themselves as a form of human sacrifice next to an altar of fire they’d made. That, or they really misunderstood how to give each other head.

An eighth-grader who lost while competing in an Illinois “Beat The Streets” wrestling tournament sucker-punched the winner who’d offered him a handshake. He was then returned to The Streets.

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A new study finds red meat and refined carbohydrates are the primary drivers of Type 2 diabetes cases – and profits at Arby’s.

Congressman George Santos announced his reelection campaign along with endorsements from Pope Francis and Taylor Swift.

Feds in New York City shut down what they called an ‘illegal Chinese police station’ targeting Chinese dissidents living in the U.S. and gathering counterintelligence for China’s government. Officials were tipped off by piles of empty Chun-kin Donuts boxes outside.

A man plead guilty to breaking the thumb off of a terracotta warrior statue from 200BC on display at a Philadelphia museum. On the bright side, he’s now in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the oldest thumb stuck in a rectum.

Wedding apparel retailer David’s Bridal filed for bankruptcy. Money’s tight, so David’s reception switched from open bar to cash.

Apple Watches are getting their biggest software update since being introduced in 2015. In addition to detecting heart attacks and falls, it’ll detect the real reason your spouse isn’t talking to you.

New Jersey declared September 23rd as Bruce Springsteen Day. As part of the declaration, residents will be asked to slam their screen doors at Noon, and throughout the day refer to their genitals as auto parts.

As part of his ongoing battle with Disney Corporation, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis threatened to build a prison next to Disney World. Lawyers for imprisoned tax cheat Scrooge McDuck have already requested a transfer so he can be closer to his family.

A writer’s strike threatens to halt production of tv & film projects if a deal with the union can’t be reached by May 1st. This could mean a delay to the final season of Stranger Things, from its planned release in 2028.

McDonald’s is making ‘upgrades’ to its signature hamburger & cheeseburger, including softer buns, following a string of lawsuit settlements from broken teeth.

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A Tennessee Air National Guardsman was arrested after applying online to be a contract killer for $5,000. Worse, the hiring manager informed him they were focusing on more qualified candidates but would keep his resume on file.

An artificial intelligence program profiled on 60 Minutes allegedly taught itself a foreign language it didn’t know. It was then offered a scholarship to tutor the entire Ohio State football team.

The United States now averages 1.5 mass shootings per day. The number is expected to rise as more people use their tax refunds on AR-15s.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee deleted a post sharing commentary from network OAN questioning the behavior of the trans community. Then Lee posted an apology, said he’s not transphobic, and called himself the “gayest motherf**er around”. That post was then deleted after Lee was challenged by Boy George.

Sega is acquiring the maker of Angry Birds, for $775 million, because nobody told them they could just download it for free.

Phantom Of The Opera closed on Broadway after 35 years and 13,981 shows – entertaining over 6 million women, gay men, and straight husbands wondering how many Yankees games they could have seen instead for the ticket price.

SpaceX cited technical issues in postponing the launch of its most powerful rocket, Starship. Elon Musk said once they’re fixed, “nothing’s gonna stop us now”.

A new study finds women still do more domestic chores than men in households where they earn more money. When men try to step it up by doing the cooking, the women end up spending more time taking kids to the doctor or restaurants.

Senator John Fetterman returned to on-site work in Washington, DC following hospitalization for depression. Meanwhile, 89-year-old Senator Dianne Feinstein told colleagues she plans to return in time for President Obama’s lighting of the White House Christmas Tree.

The mother of a teen YouTube star is being sued for physical and emotional abuse of young content creators, including sending her daughter’s underwear to an unknown man. The plaintiffs claim the shipments to Japan have cost them thousands.

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The purchaser of Harvey Weinstein’s Connecticut mansion had it torn down – surprising several 23-year-old actresses who arrived there for screen tests they’d scheduled in 2020.

A food fight erupted in the stands at the Philadelphia Phillies home loss on Tuesday at “Dollar Dog Night”. It started when several hundred Bud Light drinkers announced they were changing their pronouns.

A Missouri state lawmaker defended a state statute allowing 12-year-olds to get married, saying he’d met friends in college who married at age 12, and were doing a great job as sophomores raising their 3 kids.

HBO Max will merge with Discovery+ to become ‘Max’. This follows HBO Go and HBO Now merging to become HBO Max. HBO streaming services now have as many, or more, mergers and names as your slutty stepmom.

‘Harry Potter’ is being made into a TV series. Family members of Harry Potter superfans are asking for the magic spell to keep from having to watch it.

A 1-year-old dog trekked across 150 miles of Alaska’s Bering Sea ice to find his family after being lost. The dog thanked the six native Alaskan children who pulled his sled.

‘Peaches‘ – a ballad sung by Bowser to describe his love for the Princess in The Super Mario Bros Movie – is being touted for an Oscar for Best Original Song. There is no such praise for Mario’s song ‘It’s A Me, Let’s Have A Sex‘.

A CEO published an opinion piece, saying the worst question you can ask in a job interview is “what is the remote work policy?” The second worst question is “are those real?”

New York City hired Kathleen Corradi as the first-ever Director of Rodent Mitigation, or “rat czar”, at a salary of $155,000/year. In turn, Corradi announced her support staff, starting with Assistant Director, Mittens.

Today show co-host Jenna Bush Hager discussed body positivity, saying her boyfriend when she was in 7th grade dumped her after seeing her in a bathing suit. She said in the years since, she’s patched things up with Dick Cheney.

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Major League Baseball’s Milwaukee Brewers extended alcohol sales at home games until the end of the 8th inning because new MLB rules have made games shorter. Extending alcohol sales for one more inning allows fans to get behind the wheel while they’re still drunk.

Nick Cannon says parenting 11 children with multiple women doesn’t allow him to have a single life, since he barely has enough free time to make more kids.

The Biden Administration declared fentanyl laced with animal tranquilizer xylazine an “emerging threat”, requiring a coordinated government response in 90 days. So far, they’ve come up with buttons reading “Don’t Take Fentanyl & Xylazine”.

Low sex drive in men is being increasingly linked to a chemical imbalance, hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD. It’s also being linked to their wives and girlfriends spending 10 hours a day in flannel pajamas.

Elon Musk said he’s laid off about 80% of Twitter’s staff, or roughly 6,500 people. Musk also said he’s lost at least 6,500 followers.

The FDA approved an over-the-counter version of the emergency opioid antidote Narcan. The bad news is you probably can’t get to the drug store in time to reverse an overdose; the good news is it’s eligible for double CVS ExtraCare Reward points.

A man on a tour in Zimbabwe described how he survived being waist-deep in a hippo’s mouth after his canoe was upended. He was able to get the hippo to spit him out by pouring his Mountain Dew down its throat.

A New Jersey man who claims to be the “biggest advocate & supporter” of Jack Daniels burned merchandise and hundreds of dollars worth of whiskey over their use of drag queens in advertising. Hours later he woke up hungover and wondering what happened to his Jack Daniels merchandise & whiskey.

Following his financial fraud indictment for hush money payments to a porn star, Donald Trump is asking for a delay in a different case accusing him of sexual assault. He cites difficulty finding lawyers who will work in exchange for free rounds of golf.

Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is requiring applicants for positions in the state to write 500-word essays detailing what they admire from her leadership. Since this is Arkansas, the essay requirement is expected to be reduced to two words.

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Tupperware may go out of business. Executives warn that if they can’t acquire additional funding, the Tupperware party is over.

Three persons were injured when a bounce house went airborne at a New Jersey Passover carnival. Dozens of others watched the house Passover their heads.

Cardi B commented on viral video of the Dalai Lama asking a boy to suck his tongue, saying the world is full of predators, and no one should suck another person’s tongue unless it’s in the Champagne Room of a strip club in exchange for a substantial tip.

A woman in Brazil gave birth in her apartment building’s elevator while standing up. “Hey, could you hit 3?” said a guy standing behind her.

A woman was shot to death while waiting in a Dunkin’ drive-thru in a Philadelphia suburb. Detectives initially investigated it as another coffee-related fatality.

Golfer Jason Day claims Tiger Woods withdrew from The Masters after a screw went through his skin. This marks the first time Woods let a screw keep him from playing golf.

The WNBA Draft took place Monday night, as dozens of women athletes realized their dream of being able to afford leasing a Kia Soul.

Jeremy Renner said his eye popped out when he was run over by a snowplow, adding fans should keep their eye out for his new Disney+ show Rennervations.

A downtown San Francisco Whole Foods closed one year after opening due to rampant crime creating worker safety issues. Local homeless shoplifters are left wondering where else they can steal a pocket full of groceries valued at $200.

A new study from the Kaiser Family Foundation claims 1-in-5 U.S. adults has had a family member killed by a gun. The National Rifle Association disputed the findings, saying 1-in-5 seemed low.

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Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn broke up after six years together. As Swifties try to decipher who she’s referencing in her scorching new ex-boyfriend diss track, ‘Joe I’ll Win’.

HBO’s The White Lotus, previously set in exotic locations like Maui and Taormina, Italy, announced Season 3 will be set in Thailand – narrowly edging out Dollywood.

A 50-year-old man was found dead on a Philadelphia city golf course in what police are calling “suspicious”. He was only shot once, which is 3-under-par for Philly.

A Mississippi woman was arrested for having sex with a dog outside of a church in Mississippi. A local sheriff called it “one of the most disturbing cases he’s ever worked – they aren’t even married.”

A Chinese man was arrested for scaring 500 of his neighbor’s chickens to death using flashing lights. The local fire department was called to see if they could organize an overnight barbecue.

A gynecologist in Honduras shared the most shocking thing he’d ever found in a woman’s vagina – a cockroach. He also shared the second-most shocking thing he’s found, a cockroach trap.

In a jailhouse interview for UK television, convicted sex offender Ghislaine Maxwell said a photo of Prince Andrew with a teen accuser is “fake”. Mainly because Andrew is “wearing clothes”.

A ‘highly important’ painted porcelain Chinese bowl from the 18th century, measuring 4 inches in diameter, sold at auction for $25 million. The purchaser gets to keep the Skittles that were in it.

‘Bikini baristas’ won a $500,000 settlement against Everett, Washington for violating their rights by demanding they cover up, and will continue to wear minimal clothing. Although several original female plaintiffs have quit the Hillbilly Hotties shop due to 2nd-degree cleavage burns from spilled coffee.

An Indonesian man broke his penis in ‘the world’s most dangerous sex position: reverse cowgirl’ – which is reportedly responsible for 50% of penis fractures. That number increases significantly if the cowgirl in question is Lizzo.

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Jeopardy! champion Brian Henegar deactivated Twitter after viewers repeatedly compared his appearance to that of Adolf Hitler. Henegar was angry, but felt better when he saw the Final Jeopardy! category of ‘Human Atrocities’.

Marjorie Taylor Greene, visiting New York to protest the indictment of Donald Trump, called the place ‘disgusting’ and ‘repulsive’. She then finished her lunch at Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen and went to the protest.

Guitarist Mick Mars sued Motley Crue, saying he was kicked out of the band, is being denied profits, and that the band is using recordings instead of playing live. The band denies using recorded vocal tracks, saying Vince Neil sounds terrible either way.

Country music doofus Travis Tritt will no longer allow Anheuser Busch products in his tour rider after Bud Light partnered with a transgender influencer. The loss of a case of Bud backstage at Tritt’s Mississippi county fair shows means the loss of 90% of that state’s economy.

As part of a reorganization, McDonald’s is closing regional offices that assist with the operation of restaurants, resulting in a dozen unemployed clowns.

7-Eleven’s parent company is evalutaing selling the convenience store chain. Although it’s more likely that several investment bankers will show up with guns and steal it.

Eight Washington DC fifth grade students were hospitalized after eating gummies containing a “controlled substance” given to them by a classmate. Kids called 911 complaining that the playground tag game with the sickened students was “way too slow”.

Georgia police are investigating a murder/suicide at a Chick-fil-A drive thru. “My pleasure!” said the coroner.

In a new documentary, Pope Francis says sex is “a beautiful thing”. ….. “for you, maybe” replied Vatican altar boys.

Thieves stole $500,000 worth of Apple products after breaking in to an Apple Store through a bathroom wall. The store subsequently fired several Genius Bar workers advising customers on using the toilets during the robbery.

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A new report reveals Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has accepted millions of dollars in travel and hospitality from a wealthy Republican donor in violation of ethics rules. The only judge that’s been paid off more times than Thomas is Judy.

A Texas woman stabbed her fiancee to death, then tried to stitch his wounds closed. She was charged with murder and now her sewing machine is broken.

A new report documents the abuse of more than 600 children in the Catholic Church’s Archdiocese of Baltimore. Officials are considering expanding the investigation beyond what happened last month.

A Michigan family welcomed the first baby daughter in the husband’s lineage since 1885. However, the baby’s first words are “I identify as non-binary”.

A Newark, Delaware man was arrested after attempting to carjack an off-duty officer in an unmarked police vehicle. It’s the first-ever carjacking where the perpetrator ended up in the back seat.

The National Oceanographic Administration said wind farms off of the New Jersey shore could ‘adversely affect’ whales, but not kill them. Meanwhile the Surgeon General said boardwalk food at the Jersey Shore could both adversely affect and kill beachgoing whales.

A new study claims that eating too much sugar has 45 negative health effects. If the sugar comes in the form of a donut eaten along with Dunkin’ coffee, that expands to 145 negative effects.

The barcode is turning 50 – matching the number of minutes it takes for the person ahead of you in line to self-checkout their groceries.

SUGA, of Korean boy-band sensation BTS, was named an Ambassador to the National Basketball Association. He’ll help promote the sport in his native South Korea, and inspire thousands of 5’5″ Korean Americans to try out for, and get cut from, their high school teams.

Idaho passed a law which bans knowingly providing out-of-state travel for women seeking abortions. In other news, Boise’s Plan C Bus Lines announced they’re going out of business.

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Actor Hugh Jackman warned the public of the dangers of skin cancer after undergoing a procedure to remove cancerous lesions. He said to wear sunscreen, but make sure you remove your Wolverine claws before putting it on.

Donald Trump told a crowd of dopes at Mar a Lago that the only crime he ever committed is fearlessly defending the U.S. from those who seek to destroy it – reinforcing the notion that Trump doesn’t even know what “crime” means.

Pornhub users searched “Stormy Daniels” over 650,000 times on Tuesday – and if you push away the other stuff, you can see the smile all over her face.

Viral video confirmed a rumor that Taylor Swift is secretly transported to the stage of her Eras Tour hidden in a janitor’s cart. A new rumor started that her dancers now stand further away on stage because she reeks of Pine Sol.

Businesses and influencers are angry that 22,000 job cuts at Facebook & Instagram “gutted” the customer service department. Reached for comment, Mark Zuckerberg said “wait, we had a customer service department??”

Tiger Woods appeared at The Masters, but said he doesn’t know “how many more I have in me”. Hostesses at Augusta-area restaurants also aren’t sure how many more times they can have Woods in them.

Brandon Johnson will be the next Mayor of Chicago, after winning a runoff election with Paul Vallas. Johnson took 20 minutes at his victory celebration stopping supporters from yelling ‘Let’s Go Brandon’.

Website Nameberry says “old money” baby names are trending – like Antigone, Emeline & Pandora for girls and Alistair, Piers & Sumner for boys. Coincidentally, “old money” names are projected to be “new bullying victim” names in about eight years.

Actress Kaley Cuoco gave birth to a daughter, Matilda, 9 months after a big bang with boyfriend Tom Pelphrey.

Kim Kardashian took her family on a vacation to Japan, spending countless hours fielding questions from her children on why everyone’s butt is so flat there.

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A rebuilt section of the famous Wildwood, New Jersey boardwalk reopened ahead of schedule. Business resumed beneath the boardwalk for the first time in over a year for Wildwood drug dealers and prostitutes.

Donald Trump is scheduled for court proceedings today in New York. His lawyers had to spend extra time explaining to him that arraignment still happens when it’s sunny.

Taylor Swift fans say the t-shirts and hoodies sold at her Eras Tour are of poor quality and fade after washing. Swift’s team said they’ll replace the merchandise, and she’ll write each person a song anonymously shaming them for complaining.

James Gunn, CEO of DC Comics movie division, said he believes “superhero fatigue” is real, with audiences tiring of big-budget special effects blockbusters. Gunn spoke on the set of the upcoming SuperFriends Spring Break.

Wichita, Kansas was named the Allergy Capital of the U.S. by the Asthma & Allergy Foundation – worst in the nation for allergy sufferers. Wichita’s mayor criticized the findings, saying tornados come along frequently enough to blow away allergens.

Brooke Shields said in a new documentary that she ran naked from the room after losing her virginity to actor Dean Cain. She described the sex as “not super…man”.

A time capsule buried on San Francisco’s highest peak was unearthed after 90 years and contained several surprises – the biggest surprise being, there wasn’t really anything gay in it.

The owner of a ramen shop in Japan is banning smartphone use in order to speed up seating times. Although the last fifty people he texted to tell them their table was ready never answered.

Kid Rock protested Anheuser-Busch’s marketing partnership with a transgender influencer by shooting cans of Bud Light with an assault rifle. Rock promises his next tour will be sponsored by a beverage that no LGBTQ people drink: White Claw.

SNL Weekend Update co-host Michael Che pranked Colin Jost by telling the audience not to laugh at his jokes, in what’s being called the easiest prank ever pulled anywhere.

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A Wendy’s customer in Louisiana is suing after contracting e.coli, septic shock and internal hemorrhaging after eating a cheeseburger. Then, a different customer was sickened ordering the Son Of Contaminated Cheeseburger meal.

A lesbian got engaged to her favorite high school teacher ten years after graduating. The teacher named her former student to the on-her roll.

McDonald’s is temporarily closing its Illinois headquarters building as it prepares to announce layoffs, and to add a drive-thru where workers can pick up their personal belongings.

A New York City man was arrested in a string of drugging men at gay bars, before they could go home with a guy and drug each other.

25 train cars derailed in Montana. Officials are relieved that no toxic chemicals were spilled from the cars, just people.

Starbucks customers are reportedly complaining of stomach issues after drinking their new olive oil infused coffees. They are also complaining of pants issues.

Asa Hutchinson announced he’s running for President in 2024. He’s kicking off his presidential campaign right after he completes a campaign to remind everyone who the hell Asa Hutchinson is.

A new poll states a third of U.S. workers would take a pay cut if they could be allergy-free for a year. Several U.S. companies responded by cutting pay 30% and opening an all-you-can-eat Benadryl station in the company cafeteria.

UFC and WWE are merging. UFC is pleased to announce that, starting with UFC 287 on April 8th, fighters are allowed to use folding chairs.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested after breaking in to a diner at 4a.m., eating a cheesecake and a prime rib roast, then breaking in to an Adult World porn shop at 6a.m. The man told cops he just wanted dinner and a movie. [story h/t to J.O.!]

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Pope Francis is set to leave the hospital after inpatient treatment of bronchitis. He had a final dinner of pizza delivered by a naked teenage boy.

Oscar Pistorius was denied parole by a South African court. He can reapply in another year, and until then will be impatiently tapping his shins.

New research suggests Tyrannosaurus Rex had lips over its teeth. Unfortunately for females, their arms were too short to apply lipstick. [Story h/t to E.T.]

A Duke University professor wants to enact legislation prohibiting companies from intruding on the human brain’s function. Except for residents of the southern U.S., who don’t have anything to worry about.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled a popular hoverboard, the Jetson Rogue, for fire risk that caused two deaths, and for injuries to a middle-aged man yelling “Jane, stop this crazy thing!!”.

March 30th is “Ivy Day” – when Ivy League colleges issue acceptance to prospective incoming freshmen. March 31st is “Safety School Day” for obvious reasons.

Donald Trump was indicted by a Manhattan grand jury on more than 30 counts of business fraud. He still faces potential legal action for inciting the January 6th riot, misuse of classified documents, and lying about his height, weight and genitals on 30 different dating sites.

Coca Cola Company is planning to introduce a “bolder, fruitier-tasting” Fanta Orange soda. They reformulated after consumer taste testing on college campuses, food fairs, and the Gathering Of The Juggalos so Coke execs could see some boobs.

A TikTok’er explained why he took a smiling selfie video at a Starbucks where a man lay stabbed to death on the floor. It took two-minutes for him to say “views”.

Coverage of The Masters on streaming platforms will have “digital commentary generated by artificial intelligence”. The comments will include yardage, club selection, difficulty, and which female spectator Tiger Woods will take a run at.

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Harvard researchers say the phrase “How are you?” kills small talk. Although they admit it probably grew in popularity because it works so well getting people to stop talking.

Skeletal remains found in the receding Lake Mead near Las Vegas were identified as a man who disappeared 50 years ago. His death was ruled an accidental drowning while trying out his new concrete scuba gear.

New artificial intelligence-powered glasses project conversation suggestions on the lenses based on what another person just said. It can handle every phrase except “take off those stupid looking glasses”.

Anna Craming, 20, a tournament-caliber chess player who streams games online, said she frequently receives unwelcome remarks from men during matches. The men deny the allegations, saying they were just excited about taking the queen.

Tennis great Boris Becker was released from prison following an 8 1/2 month stint for fraud. He said he was almost killed when he attempted to befriend a fellow prisoner who he thought was a kindred spirit because he was in prison for racketeering.

Rapper Tory Lanez asked a judge to overturn his conviction for shooting Megan Thee Stallion in the foot, saying the jury was wrongly influenced by a photo of him holding a gun, and by the fact that he shot Megan Thee Stallion in the foot.

Khloe Kardashian answered a fan on social media who asked her if, following plastic surgery, she “missed her old face”. Khloe replied “which one?”.

A women’s water polo player was accused of inappropriate touching during a match. She defended her action, saying the top of the opponent’s suit was the same color as the ball.

70 hippos kept on a compound owned by convicted drug kingpin Pablo Escobar will cost the Colombian government $3.5 million to relocate. They’ll also need a food budget since they can no longer eat Escobar’s drug-trafficking rivals.

Congressmen from New York and Kentucky got in a shouting match after Wednesday’s session over their differences on proposed assault weapons bans. The Kentucky congressman challenged the New Yorker to pistols at ten paces.

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Stormy Daniels will host a Q&A session on her OnlyFans account as rumors circulate about a possible indictment of Donald Trump. It’s the first public interview from a woman discussing sex with a president since before Betty Ford sobered up.

“Dumb” phones are growing in popularity in the U.S., as Gen Z users seek to limit screen time. Dumb phones are defined by Gen Z as phones that don’t manage apps, or as any smartphone in the hands of a boomer.

Finnish design company Woodio introduced the first flushable toilet made entirely of wood chips. They say the wood reduces harmful emissions generated by plastic or ceramic toilets, but so far, users don’t like having to clean the inside with sandpaper.

Elon Musk said artificial intelligence poses a ‘profound risk to society and humanity’ – mostly because ChatGPT is too smart to pay $7 a month for Twitter Blue.

Taylor Swift accepted the Innovator Award at the annual iHeartRadio Awards in Los Angeles, as radio stations honored her unique ability to turn getting dumped into hundreds of songs.

Actress Melissa Joan Hart, a Nashville resident, helped elementary school students flee the scene of the deadly Covenant School shooting. She titled the video Clarissa Explains It All Except for How a Mentally Ill Person Legally Bought Assault Weapons.

Foot Locker is closing 400 stores. Workers are being told to turn in their uniforms, or keep them and referee their kids peewee basketball games.

A Dutch sperm donor who’s fathered 550 children is being sued for increasing the risk of incest and exceeding the allowable number of children created with his sperm. He’s fighting the suit, saying he needs the money for surgeries to his right shoulder, elbow and wrist.

A new Army program gives underperforming recuits 90 days of fitness training before sending them off to basic training. Although many female recruits are dropping out after 89 days once they fit into their bridesmaid dress for a spring wedding.

Florida high school teacher Shavon Pearson was arrested for waving a gun at another motorist during a traffic dispute, then was also charged for trafficking fentanyl. In other news, a dozen of her students were hospitalized following Chemistry lab.

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A man whose weight loss plan is eating half-portions of McDonald’s meals every meal for 100 consecutive days claims he’s lost 29 pounds in 34 days. He’s lost 28 pounds of muscle and 1 pound from a shrunken liver.

Millennials are traveling at a higher rate than other age groups – as they fly home to live in their parents basement.

Pop star Harry Styles is reportedly dating actress Emily Ratajkowski – an impossibly good-looking couple with a terrible tabloid couple name: RatStyle.

An armed assailant killed six people at a Nashville elementary school – leaving Toby Keith confused over what terrible country song he can write about it.

The Philadelphia Phillies introduced their new menu items for 2023 home games at Citizens Bank Park. For the first time ever, vegans will have a choice of food they can throw at visiting outfielders and bullpen pitchers.

Scientists are touting a “holy grail” of cancer detection that predicts tumors a year before they form. The protocol has two parts: a blood test; and a program that scans for credit card purchases at Arby’s.

New research indicates physical activity offers little mental health benefit. The study appeared in the journal Nature Human Behaviour and was co-funded by La-Z-Boy & Haagen-Dazs.

In the wake of a toxic chemical spill, the City of Philadelphia Water Department declared the water supply safe for drinking ‘through Wednesday’ – last Wednesday.

Chris Christie told a New Hampshire crowd he’s the only Republican qualified to stand up to Donald Trump. Although he’s more comfortable sitting down.

An Australian woman was convicted of killing her husband by lacing his favorite lemon cookies with sleeping pills. The judge also issued an injunction halting future publishing of The Joy Of Cooking With Ambien.

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Philadelphia’s drinking water was contaminated by a chemical spill in the Delaware River. Until further notice, city residents are advised to shoot their water before drinking it.

Florida may ban elementary school students from learning about or discussing menstruation. Three girls were already suspended for asking who the substitute teacher is for first period English.

A Family Dollar worker fatally shot a shoplifter. The store is closed, but a line is forming outside for customers wanting Dollar Shots.

Ye – formerly Kanye West – said he now likes Jews again after watching Jonah Hill’s performance in 21 Jump Street. Then he watched Hill in The Sitter and he’s on the fence again.

A 4-year-old hacked his Mom’s Amazon Prime account and ordered 51 boxes of SpongeBob popsicles. Two days later she received 51 boxes of SpongeBob popsicles and a Hitachi personal massager.

Walkouts among German airport, bus & railway workers brought the nation to a standstill Monday, as citizens struggle to cope with the Notten Muvin strike.

Actor Jeremy Renner shared video of his physical therapy, walking on an anti-gravity treadmill, as he recovers from injures suffered after being run over by a snowplow. Renner walked for 30 minutes then wiped the machine down before a guy who got run over by a truck used it.

Two Cuban migrants successfully fled their country and arrived at Key West Airport aboard a motorized hang glider. Air traffic controllers guided the two men aboard Spirit Airlines flight 544.

A woman who bit off the earlobe of a female Nordstrom security guard after being apprehended shoplfting was sentenced to 70 months in prison. The guard doesn’t want the earring back that the shoplifter swallowed.

The FDIC said First Citizens Bank has agreed to purchase troubled Silicon Valley Bank, and two days later had already collected $100 million in SVB overdraft fees.

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New research concludes Ludwig van Beethoven’s death and early-onset liver disease may not have been solely alcohol-related, and that he suffered from acute hepatitis. In case you were wondering what Beethoven has in common with the members of Motley Crue.

Following a series of train accidents, Congress is working on a railroad safety bill. Or, they will until Republicans or Democrats derail it.

Large clusters of sargassum have begun washing up on the Florida coastline – leading lonely, hearing-impaired women to book Florida vacations so they can experience a sargassum on the beach.

Researchers in Great Britain say hearing ‘dad jokes’ empowers kids to become better adults. While hearing dirty jokes empowers them to become more popular during recess.

Artificial tears tainted with bacteria are blamed for several deaths, blindness and loss of eyes in multiple users. Worse, victims with glass eyes are warned that high levels of bacteria have been found in Windex.

A tornado touched down in Los Angeles. It arrived 20 minutes late and left a half-hour early.

Gisele Bundchen said in an interview that her marriage to Tom Brady was doomed long before his decision to ‘unretire’. She added that their final counseling session ended with her taking a knee with 30 seconds left in ‘divorce formation’.

The City of Philadelphia is exploring a program to reduce infant mortality by paying pregnant women $1,000/month if they live in certain areas of the city. It’s unclear how the infant mortality problem can be solved with an Xbox.

The Federal Aviation Administration is issuing a “call to action” following multiple near collisions on airport runways – starting with a pre-flight two-drink maximum for veteran pilots.

An Amazon delivery driver handed a package to a SWAT team member during an armed standoff in North Carolina. The SWAT team member then placed the box of bullets on the porch and the standoff continued.

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Donald Trump still hasn’t been arrested, as cops continue to look for a pair of handcuffs tiny enough.

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine was hospitalized after being beat up by several men while in the sauna of a Florida gym. An arrest warrant was issued for three sweaty gang members clad in towels with healthy, wide-open pores.

Cobresol Argentina goalkeeper Leandro Requena scored a goal on a 101-meter kick, the longest goal ever recorded in international competition. The opposing goalkeeper admitted he’d fallen asleep watching soccer.

Americans will soon be able to buy Good Meat – chicken meat grown in a lab. Asked if customers will eat chicken made in a lab, Good Meat’s CEO pointed out that the U.S. already consumes billions of McNuggets.

Two escaped inmates from a Newport News, Virginia prison were apprehended at a nearby IHOP a short time later. Their server notified police after the two ordered the Rooty Tooty Fugitive Fresh & Fruity pancakes.

Hyejeong Shin, a 29-year-old woman who enrolled at a New Jersey high school with a fake birth certificate before being discovered, told a judge she was lonely and missed having friendships. She’s currently awaiting sentencing and deciding between three promposals.

A new study claims the combined weight of the world’s wild mammals is just 10% of humans. Researchers believe animal populations need to grow by climate action, and animals need to grow with greater jungle access to Arby’s,

Nevada’s Chicken Ranch brothel welcomed new Las Vegas Raiders quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo by offering him “free sex for life”. The Raiders, who recently traded All-Pro Darren Waller, happen to need tight ends for Garoppolo.

A 53-year-old man who cracked his own neck to avoid chiropractor bills claims doing so caused him to go blind. He’s concerned he’ll no longer be able to continue his job as a chiropractor.

The Writers Guild of America has proposed allowing artificial intelligence programs like ChatGPT to write scripts for movies and tv. Saying a computer program can’t possibly write jokes worse than the ones on ‘Lopez vs Lopez’.

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The new BORG [Blackout Rage Gallon] drinking craze sent 46 UMass Amherst students to the hospital during a pre-St. Patrick’s Day party, where they were treated as VIPs [Vomit Inducing Pumped Stomachs].

Longtime New York Times film critic A.O. Scott is retiring – saying he doesn’t see the point crticizing film since no one will ever top Cocaine Bear.

Los Angeles schools are shut down during a 3-day strike by bus drivers and maintenance workers. The strike coincides with a 3-day Career Fair co-sponsored by Bloods, Crips & Latin Kings.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis told a crowd he didn’t know anything about “paying hush money to a porn star to secure silence over some type of alleged affair..”. But added that he’s willing to learn.

Google is granting access to Bard, its competitor to artificial intelligence ChatGPT. Google users can sign up for a waitlist, or pay to jump to the head of the line if they have a term paper due.

Mikayla Silavia, a Florida OnlyFans model whose claim-to-fame is her long tongue, sued ex-boyfriend Nicholas Hunter for seizing her social media accounts and sharing explicit content in violation of ‘revenge porn’ laws. Hunter plans to defend the suit, saying he’s not licked yet.

At the Houston Zoo, a 90-year-old male tortoise fathered three new hatchlings with his female partner of 27 years. Zookeepers credit the male’s persistence in asking for 26 years.

Disney CEO Bob Iger reportedly asked execs to compile a list of 4,000 workers to be terminated in April. Disney fans are urged to visit the parks within two weeks if they want a picture with Huey, Dewey or Louie.

A Connecticut man rented a billboard in Times Square to post a photo with his girlfriend along with a marriage proposal to her. She, in turn, rented a billboard the following day to say “no”.

A 29-year-old woman broke a world record by grinding a rail on her skateboard as she exited a plane 9,000 feet in the air over California. She landed safely via parachute and retrieved the skateboard that struck and killed an old lady.

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Ed Winter, Los Angeles county coroner who autopsied some of the world’s biggest celebrities, has died. He’ll be honored with a star on the Hollywood Wall of Refrigerated Drawers of Fame.

The Chairperson of the Libertarian Party condemned convicted felon Joe Exotic for seeking the party’s nomination for U.S. President. Exotic made the announcement during a campaign stop at a license plate factory.

South Korea has the world’s lowest fertility rate, with an average of just 0.78 children for every woman of child-bearing age. South Korean women now have the world’s highest approval rating among single men.

Microsoft introduced Power Platform Copilot, an artificial intelligence that creates an app based off of a simple description of the app’s desired function. “Why is this app telling me to have sex with you?” asked thousands of wives and girlfriends looking at the new app on their phones.

Blac Chyna appeared in public for the first time since having her facial fillers dissolved and butt implants removed. Onlookers described her as long-faced and half-assed.

The Mayor of Miami Beach, Florida instituted a curfew after incidents of gun violence during Spring Break. In other news, area Wet T-Shirt contests are now Red T-Shirt contests.

Adam Sandler was honored with the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC. At the Arkansas State Fairgrounds, Larry the Cable Guy was honored with the Ernest P. Worrell Prize for Southern American Humor.

Sydney Sweeney of HBO’s Euphoria said in an interview that she developed large breasts before other girls and felt ostracized for it. Now she has tv & movie roles and feels d-cized for it.

Porn star Stormy Daniels revealed she’d married porn star Barrett Blade at the end of 2022. This is Daniels fourth marriage – the other three ended when work got in the way.

Mexico’s President Andrés Manuel López Obrador said U.S. families are to blame for the fentanyl crisis because they don’t hug their kids enough. Mexicans entering the U.S. are already attempting to fix the problem by forming hug cartels.

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Tinder is updating their app, allowing users to define their desired ‘Relationship Type’ to accommodate Gen Z preferences for non-monogamy. Choices include “open relationship”; “hierarchical polyamory”; and “your face on my genitals then you leave”.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT can now pass the bar exam. Aspiring lawyer Kim Kardashian announced she’s now sleeping with ChatGPT.

French citizens rioted over a government proposal to raise the country’s retirement age from 62 to 64. They plan to resume rioting after they take their required four-hour midday break.

Snoop Dogg is launching a new premium coffee brand – the first-of-its-kind coffee you can smoke.

Apple announced the upcoming iPhone 15 Pro Max will break the record for the thinnest bezels of any smartphone – surrounding a glass screen that cracks the first time you drop it.

The U.S. State Department warns of a delay in passport processing for international travelers. “We’ve been waiting six months and this is unacceptable” said the new head of Al Qaeda.

New research from Spanish urologists finds the average penis increases 42% in size from a flaccid to erect state. Research from Spanish sex shop retailers finds the average penis size increases 100% between the first and second sex-toy purchases.

California is considering a ban on candy containing carcinogenic additives, such as Skittles, Sour Patch Kids and others. This, after dozens of children were found to be undergoing chemotherapy to battle malignant Pezanoma.

Actress Sharon Stone, speaking to a Women’s Cancer Research Fund benefit, talked of her recent breast cancer scare and financial struggles, saying “I lost half my money to this banking thing”. It’s unclear if she was a customer of Silicon Valley Bank, or if she threw out the mattress in her guest room.

A Florida man was arrested after demanding oral sex from a massage therapist and pointing a gun at her after being told she doesn’t engage in that activity. He was charged, then released after being told by cops where they ‘do’ engage in that activity.

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The U.S. Government is threatening a ban on TikTok unless the app’s Chinese owners sell their stake in it. China said they’ll think about it, but they’re keeping all of the personal data and dance moves they’ve saved.

Actress Christina Ricci said on The View that she was once sued by a movie producer because she refused to perform a sex scene in a ‘certain way’. A Disney spokesperson declined comment on the production of That Darn Cat.

Officials from Japan and South Korea agreed to meet for the first time in 12 years – as the rest of the world admits to not even knowing they were mad at each other.

Some Gen Z drivers claim giving rude or dangerous drivers the ‘thumbs down’ is more impactful than flipping a middle finger or horn-honking. They offer as evidence about a dozen young drivers suffering bullet wounds after giving the thumbs down.

Madison Crowley, a bride-to-be from Atlanta who’s never had sex with her fiance, had his first initial tattooed on her butt for him to discover on their wedding night. The tattoo artist also covered up six other initials.

A tech tycoon claims to have offered a woman seated next to him on a flight $100,000 to remove her face mask for the duration of it, but she refused. She said it was because she felt safer, and because the ‘tech tycoon’ was in a middle seat on Spirit.

A man wrongfully convicted of robbery in Florida was released after serving 34 years of a 400-year sentence. Although the State Attorney General claims he likely would have been released after 200 years for good behavior.

Google Maps plans an update incorporating visual landmarks in addition to voice guidance, aiming the feature at boomers who need to know how many street lights and McDonald’s they pass before making a turn.

NASA debuted the new ultra-modern spacesuit to be worn by astronauts on the Artemis moon mission in 2025. The crew will include the first woman and first person of color on a moon mission – so NASA is spending extra time working on the shoes.

An Alabama school installed two bulletproof classrooms – one for the football team and one for the cheerleaders.