Serena Williams said in an interview that her male tennis coach advised her to stop breastfeeding her daughter. The coach said that the baby was getting in the way of her serving motion.

The Centers for Disease Control claims to have solved the latest food-borne illness outbreak at Chipotle. Their review of victims’ stool samples pointed to clostridium perfringens, a bacteria that flourishes when food is left at an unsafe temperature. The CDC took a while to share results, since the stool samples and the burrito samples kept getting mixed up.

Elon Musk became emotional and teary-eyed during a lengthy interview with the New York Times, saying the past year has been “the most difficult and painful of my career” and “excruciating”. At several points during the interview, Musk had to stop so that a naked supermodel could wipe away his tears with hundred-dollar bills.

President Donald Trump canceled a military parade planned for Washington, D.C. this fall. He blamed local politicians for the rumored $92 million cost that resulted in cancellation, along with the fact that Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis turned down the Grand Marshal gig, citing scheduling conflicts.

Former ‘Home Improvement’ star Zachery Ty Bryan appeared on Fox & Friends, saying he think Hollywood elitists need to spend less time criticizing Trump supporters and more time trying to understand them. “Shut the f*** up” said his neighbor whose face was obscured by a tall fence.

Stormy Daniels withdrew from participation in U.K.’s Celebrity Big Brother. Producers said they were surprised by her decision, but her lawyer, Michael Avenatti, said that in every production Stormy has been a part of , someone has pulled out.

Mark Wahlberg told PEOPLE magazine that raising a 14 year old daughter is “a challenge”, adding that “(there’s) a lot of attitude, a lot of ‘you ruin everything!’..” — and that was just because his daughter had watched ‘The Happening’.

Forbes Magazine named Scarlett Johansson the highest-paid actress on the planet, earning $40.5 million from June, 2017 to June, 2018. “Huh.” said Johansson, displaying her trademark emotional range.

Natural Cycles, a mobile fertility app, is the first-ever digital contraceptive to win FDA marketing approval. It uses an algorithm to determine whether a woman is fertile, and should avoid unprotected sex. If she is fertile and is having difficulty refraining from unprotected sex, the app shows pictures of diaper pails and babies vomiting.

The FDA also approved a generic EpiPen. The generic EpiPen is expected to compete with the original, and also for use by people for whom 5 Hour Energy really isn’t working.

 

 

 

A Utah librarian was found guilty of spending $90k in public funds playing ‘Game of War’ on his smartphone. Quietly.

Off of Cape Cod, Massachusetts near Truro a 61-year-old man was bitten by a shark. Lifeguards first suspected an electric eel attack when the man yelled “Shock! Schock!”

President Trump rescinded the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan, saying that Brennan had been guilty of “erratic conduct” and “frenzied commentary”. The pot will now decide what other black kettles will lose their clearance.

According to a profile of several sperm cryobanks in The Guardian, the United States leads the world in exports of sperm, thanks in large part to record-low U.S. unemployment in the sperm-production industry. [h/t to Jeff O]

The Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, died at age 76. Funeral arrangements are pending for family, friends & fans to pay their C-O-N-D-O-L-E-N-C-E-S .

Melania Trump plans to address a cyberbullying seminar in Maryland next week. The President asked if he could also attend, but the First Lady told him it’s an anti-cyberbullying seminar.

A Georgia police chief said that an officer in his department was justified in using a taser on an 87-year-old woman. The woman was carrying a knife outside of a Boys & Girls Club cutting dandelions. Police responded and say that she refused to drop the knife, and that she was also wearing Crips colors.

Bristol Palin is being criticized for posting a photo of her 9-year-old son, Tripp and his father, Palin’s ex, Levi Johnston, posing with a hunting rifle and a dead caribou. Palin explained that hunting is legal, and that the caribou shot itself rather than being photographed alive with one of the Palins.

The American Journal of Psychiatry published a study linking pesticides in vegetables to autism. “I rest my case” said a 7-year-old steadfastly refusing to eat his broccoli.

Baseball slugger Babe Ruth died on this day, August 16, 1948, 70 years ago. TIME magazine republished his obituary, which discussed his hitting greatness, but somehow left out the legend that he was able to fart at will.

 

President Trump called departed staffer Omarosa a “dog” on Twitter..while Omarosa remained busy fetching tapes of Trump using the n-word on the Apprentice.

At a hackers conference in Las Vegas, an 11-year-old successfully hacked a replica of the Florida Board of Elections database. Fox News subsequently projected SpongeBob SquarePants as the winner of the Governor’s race.

Ikea opened its first store in India – so far, customers are confounded by why the products’ names are spelled incorrectly.

Christine Halliquist is the first transgender gubernatorial nominee, after winning the Vermont Democratic primary. Halliquist, a former utilities executive, is running on a platform to provide high-speed Internet to every home in Vermont. She is endorsed by Vermonters Who Want To Watch Porn In The Mountains.

Tom and Gail Wise, owners of the first Ford Mustang ever sold, a 1964 convertible, brought the car to ceremonies in Dearborn, Michigan where Ford commemorated the 10 Millionth Mustang produced.  The couple, who were 22 years old when they bought it, spent a lot of time cleaning the back seat.

The Environmental Working Group found that some oat cereals and oatmeal contained elevated levels of glyphosate – the toxic herbicide known as Roundup. “Look, you don’t want cereal with weeds in it, do you?” said a defensive Cap’n Crunch.

A little girl who secretly ordered $350 worth of toys on her mom’s Amazon Prime account donated the toys to a local children’s hospital. She also donated her mom’s Amazon Prime password so the kids there rolled up another $3,000 getting different, better toys.

Melissa Howard, Republican candidate for Florida state House who lied about graduating from college, has dropped out of the race. She’ll endorse her opponent, who dropped out of school in 7th grade, but didn’t lie about it.

HGTV has started preproduction on its Brady Bunch House renovation show. Said a network spokesperson of the iconic property “it’s time to change..we have to rearrange..what it is into what it’s gonna be..”

Brandon Johnson, the dealer who allegedly supplied Demi Lovato with drugs, was reportedly arrested in a huge bust in March, one month before meeting up with Lovato, who has more of a medium bust.

 

Disney’s Magic Kingdom released a new food item at Ariel’s Grotto – the mermaid donut. It’s a donut topped with icing, sprinkles, and white chocolate “treasures” including a mermaid’s tail in the center. It’s a great snack for rich creeps who want to overspend and put a mermaid’s tail in their mouth.

Two women on a Minnesota lake had to be rescued after they were stranded while riding an inflatable unicorn. The rescue was delayed until a rainbow could be set up for the unicorn to leap over to safety.

President Trump signed a new military spending bill at the conclusion of a visit to U.S. Army base Fort Drum. The bill was signed as a disappointed Trump learned it’s just a name, there really is no drum.

Trump visited Fort Drum even though Fort Dix is closer to his Bedminster, New Jersey golf course. Trump decided not to visit Fort Dix because he wanted to see women soldiers.

Trump later appeared at a GOP fundraising event in Utica, NY — surprising anyone who’s ever been to Utica, NY and thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse.

Kanye West released a new song where he says he has ‘four sisters-in-law he’d like to smash’.  “So do we!” said most Americans, interpreting “smash” differently.

Hailey Baldwin and fiancée Justin Bieber said they won’t get married until next year, or next month, or whichever one is, like, farther away.

A black bear made it through the automatic outer door of Crazy Bruce’s Liquor store in Bristol, CT, before an employee locked the inner door. The employee commented that they locked the door for safety, and because the bear was only 17.

Calvin Parker, a Mississippi native, released a new book: ‘Pascagoula–The Closest Encounter: My Story’ about his alleged abduction by aliens on October 11, 1973. UFO experts already cast doubt on the story’s truth, saying they doubt even aliens would look for intelligent life in Mississippi.

Officials in Paris are trying to do something about public urination by installing open air urinals. The move was applauded by dogs who can now take their drunken owners out for a walk.

South Korea is banning the sale of BMW vehicles due to a rash of reported engine fires; North Korea is banning them because nobody has any money.

 

Former White House staffer and ‘Apprentice’ star Omarosa Manigault-Newman, author of a new book on the Trump Presidency, claims she was offered money in exchange for keeping quiet. Trump’s supporters and critics both call this “not the worst idea the Trump administration has ever had.”

Omarosa appeared on Sunday morning television to state that she recorded her firing from the White House by Chief of Staff John Kelly. Having appeared on The Apprentice multiple times, she said she just assumed someone should be recording every time somebody gets fired.

A Pittsburgh Steelers fan in full pads attempted to sneak on to the field during the team’s practice on Saturday. He was removed by team officials and called a press conference to announce his retirement due to CTE.

In advance of the Unite the Right 2 white supremacist rally scheduled for Washington, DC on Sunday, President Trump tweeted to condemn “all types of racism and violence…even the good kind.”

The Italian island of Sardinia is issuing fines over $3,000 for visitors stealing sand from the beaches. So far police have collected six figures from toddlers and Moms caught with sand in their butt cracks and flip-flops.

Two female former Nike employees accuse the company of systemic gender discrimination and failure to provide equal pay. They call their legal action Just Sue It.

A hippopotamus attacked and killed a Chinese tourist in Kenya. The tourist was rushed to a hospital but died of his injuries; the hippo is reportedly already hungry again.

Rapper Wiz Khalifa went from 140 to 175 pounds through mixed martial arts training, although he admits that 30 pounds are muscle, the other 5 are weed.

Miami University of Ohio refuted Florida Republican Melissa Howard’s claim that she graduated from the school. Howard, 46, is a candidate for state representative in Florida’s 73rd District. “Wait. There’s a Miami… in OHIO?” said Floridians.

Angelina Jolie returned to California as ordered by a judge in her divorce proceedings from Brad Pitt. She was seen shopping for weekly groceries at Whole Foods, so she upped her child support request by $100,000.

 

 

 

An off-duty Cincinnati police officer working security at a Kroger grocery tasered an 11-year-old girl suspected of shoplifting. The girl was charged with theft, treated and released at a local hospital, and is said to be bummed out that the Sour Patch Kids she stole melted from the electricity.

McDonald’s will select one random user of its app between August 10 and August 24 to be a McGold Card holder, winning free McDonald’s food for the rest of their life, or about two years.

New York City voted to freeze the number of Lyft and Uber vehicles operating within city limits. City council members said NYC will treat Uber & Lyft vehicles like taxis – meaning their air conditioning will be broken, credit card payments won’t work, and non-white passengers are pretty much on their own.

A Frontier Airlines employee spent the night in an Atlanta hotel with two children, ages 9 & 7, who were traveling as unaccompanied minors on a flight from Des Moines to Orlando that was diverted to Atlanta because of weather. The kids’ parents were mortified, and angry that Frontier charged them for the kids’ meals, and fees since the children qualified as checked baggage.

Beach volleyball players in Alabama inadvertently destroyed hundreds of baby Tern bird eggs when they moved them to clear space for their game, according to the Birmingham Audubon Society. Since then, fences have been erected to protect other nests, but angry bird protesters still are popping volleyballs with their beaks.

Google launched ‘Cameos’, a video Q&A app aimed at celebrities, to permit them to answer fans’ biggest, most frequently asked questions using video. So far, John Travolta has filmed 500 Cameos saying he isn’t gay.

Facebook has launched Mentorships, a free service that will pair people who need help or guidance with those providing it. They immediately shut down the accounts of hundreds of ‘mentors’ offering to help women pick out the clothes they’ll wear that day.

Amazon is introducing Alexa Auto, an extension of its digital assistant in to cars, where Alexa will badger drivers to slow down, ask for directions and stop for rest room breaks.

McDonald’s opened a new 19,000 square foot, glass-enclosed restaurant in Chicago that looks like an Apple Store. It features table service, ordering kiosks, a McGenius Bar where a high-school dropout tells you how to work the Coke Freestyle machine, and high-tech restroom urinals for vandals to poop in.

Lauren Cutshaw, a 32-year-old South Carolina woman pulled over for DUI, tried to talk her way out of it by saying she’s a “very clean, thoroughbred, white girl”. She was still arrested after she blew a .18 blood alcohol content, but after being freed on bail she accepted a job as Trump 2020 Campaign Chairperson for South Carolina.

 

Actress Jennifer Garner and her daughter Violet had to be rescued when they became lost kayaking in Sweden. Garner thanked her rescuer, known only as ‘Mattias’, and expressed her regret over divorcing Batman at a time like this.

‘The Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin selected Garrett Yrigoyen over Blake Horstmann, and Yrigoyen proposed marriage on the series season finale.  Becca dismissed Blake, saying she believed there “was a better fit” for them out there. She told Blake she will keep his naked selfie in her active file and contact him if another suitable position opens up.

CVS announced it will offer $59 video-enabled ‘Telemedicine’ sessions via its smartphone app. Users will be able to contact a medical professional 24 hours a day, although the hours of 1a.m – 5a.m. will just be CVS janitors declining unauthorized oxy-contin refills.

Delta Airlines announced it’s rolling out a three-course meal and wine option for its economy passengers, saying it will “feel ..like dining at a favorite restaurant”. That’s true if your favorite three-course restaurant meal is served inches away from a snoring stranger,  and two of the three courses are pretzels.

Avocados as large as a human head, dubbed ‘Avozilla’, have arrived in Australia. They’re the equivalent of 20 regular-sized avocados, which is convenient for prepping large batches of guacamole. On the downside, a dozen people have sliced off their forearm removing the pit with a machete.

Miguel Angel Corea Diaz, a 35-year-old alleged kingpin in the MS-13 drug gang, complained to a judge about poor conditions in the New York county jail where he’s being held. Diaz said he gets death threats and isn’t allowed to use the phone, comparing his surroundings to having a day job in the Oval Office.

According to a Politico/Morning Consult poll, 79% of African-American voters say race relations have deteriorated since Donald Trump became president. The other 21% asked for clarification as to what “race relations” meant.

Disney Store is launching a toll-free “Sleep Shop Hotline” that kids can call to receive one of five messages from Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck and Goofy.  Minnie asks if they’ve brushed their teeth and Goofy talks about his fun day with Mickey. A sixth message–Scrooge McDuck asking kids what they’re wearing–was nixed.

Business Insider released a list of the most-Googled ‘money related terms’ in each state. For instance in California, it was ‘cryptocurrency’; in New York, it was ‘health insurance’; in Mississippi, it was “sell my goat”.

The Harris Poll ranked the social media apps that respondents found “hardest to break away from”. The winner? Facebook, which 49% of respondents named. Facebook was only declared the winner after Harris Poll-‘ers told men that, technically, Pornhub isn’t a social media app.

 

Facebook is in talks with banks to add your personal financial information to Messenger. “You Are Now Connected to the Hacker Who Will Drain Your Checking Account On Messenger” reads the notification that Facebook is preparing.

Bankruptcies among senior citizens have tripled since 1991 — explaining the Osmond Family Good Time Review playing to near-empty theaters in Branson, Missouri.

The long-horned tick, an invasive new species, is spreading in the U.S. The tick sucks up so much blood it can barely stand on its own. Experts say if you see one, grab it by its cane or walker and kill it.

Police were called after Kendall Jenner’s Doberman pinscher bit a young girl at an outdoor café. Jenner at first denied it, but was then showed the dog’s 500,000-follower Instagram account where it posted a picture biting the child’s hand with the caption “OMG I luv me sum bites on baby hands”.

The United States moved to restore economic sanctions against Iran that have been waived for the past two years. Among them, Iran will no longer be able to spend U.S. dollars, and their Amazon Prime privileges will be revoked, so they’ll have to settle for standard shipping.

Former White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was spotted boarding Air Force One for President Trump’s trip to a campaign rally in Ohio. However, since Hicks was in Boarding Group 6, she had to gate-check her bag because the overhead bins were all full of Diet Coke and KFC.

Singer Carrie Underwood is catching heat for saying that, at age 35, she thinks she missed out on the chance to have a “big family” to join her husband and 3-year-old son. Meanwhile three different 40+ Duggar women gave birth to seven children in the time it took Underwood to finish her quote.

Apple, Spotify, YouTube & Facebook removed Alex Jones InfoWars content. Jones and his fans complained but the four platforms said it never happened, it was all a hoax.

A masked man entered the studio of Wisconsin radio station WORT FM and fired a gun at three disc jockeys working there. One dj was struck in the buttocks and was treated for minor injuries; the other two were uninjured. The shooter remains at large, still angry that they wouldn’t play ‘Mr. Roboto.’

According to a CNBC profile, fewer than 1% of applicants to be Delta Airlines flight attendants get the job, compared to 4.8% of Harvard applicants who are accepted. “What’s Harvard Airlines?” asked a new Delta flight attendant.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Rams and New Orleans Saints will be the first two teams to welcome men to their respective cheerleading squads this season. The men will be held to the same rules against fraternizing with the players — you know which ones.

White House advisor Kellyanne Conway appeared on CBS’ ‘Face the Nation’ and said that the press is not the enemy of the people, adding that, in her case, mirrors are.

Taylor Hamlin, 18, was stripped of her crown as Maine Sea Goddess at the Maine Lobster Festival, after photos were found of her smoking what appears to be a marijuana cigarette and a Juul vaping device. She has been asked to surrender her crown, bib, claw-cracker, and chalice of lemon butter.

According to CDC data, the number of Americans sickened by eating McDonald’s salads has grown to 395 – or about one one-millionth of the number of people sickened by the idea of eating McDonald’s salads.

MoviePass will now limit members to seeing just three movies a month for $9.95.  However, the company is reportedly considering a plan to allow pass holders to add one movie each month for every $10 bucket of stale popcorn they buy.

Jingjing Hu, a music student at DePaul University, was booted off of an American Airlines flight from Miami to Chicago along with her cello, for which she’d purchased a ticket to occupy the seat next to her. American said there was a miscommunication about its policy; adding that the cello refused to assist passengers in an emergency since it was in an exit row.

In Camden, New Jersey, three formal postal workers were sentenced for their roles in a scheme to cash $100,000 in stolen postal money orders. The scheme ran aground when the men had trouble finding anyone under age 70 who knew what a postal money order is.

Verizon announced it’s bringing 5G Wireless technology to Houston, Texas. 5G, hailed as the “next generation” of internet speed, means Houston-area creeps will get an answer to ‘U Up?’ texts in just fractions of a second.

Online information service PrepScholar compiled College Board data to identify the states with the highest and lowest SAT scores. The highest overall scores were from students in Minnesota; the lowest overall scores were from the District of Columbia, where the test is known as the STA.

A recall was issued for Vanilla Almond Breeze almond milk because it may contain traces of real milk — the makers said they’ll improve screening to stop using pregnant almonds.

Emma Watkins and Lachlan Gillespie, a married couple who are both in children’s music group The Wiggles, have announced they’re getting a divorce. The announcement confirms rumors from five-year-old fans who noticed the group’s music getting much darker with the release of their new single “Cheating Isn’t Nice.”

 

A pet pig in Indianapolis is being hailed as a hero for scaring off burglars during a break-in. The homeowners were away at the time. Police investigating the crime say that the criminals were either scared away by the pig, or by the way the house looked while the pig lived there alone.

Apple is the first U.S. publicly-traded company to reach $1 trillion in value. Analysts say Apple shares are so valuable because – unlike Apple phones – you can actually expect them to keep working for you 18 months after you buy them.

The GirlCrew app is gaining popularity – it works like Tinder, only it allows women to find new platonic female friends to hang out with. GirlCrew currently enjoys a four-star rating on the Apple App Store, despite some one-star ratings from disappointed lesbians.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to say that the press is not “the enemy of the people”, despite repeated prodding from CNN’s Jim Acosta at Thursday’s briefing. Her performance was criticized by members of the press, and by Fonzie, who said he finally learned to say when he was “wrong”.

San Francisco’s Café X is using robot baristas to make specialty coffees. The robots are programmed to ask regulars how their screenplay is coming; use motion sensors to call the cops on anyone who doesn’t move for an hour; and can lift a 25-pound dumbbell attached to the restroom key.

Dozens of goats are roaming unsupervised in a Boise, Idaho neighborhood, presumably because – like many Boise residents – they can’t find anything fun to do.

Texas Rangers second baseman Rougned Odor became the first player in MLB history to draw five walks in a game and also hit a home run – making him an extremely pleasant Odor.

Amazon is purging its Marketplace from extremist merchandise after it was found merchants were selling products with white nationalist branding. The products included baby ‘onesies’ with cross-burning imagery and swastika pendants. The move left residents of Wilkes Barre PA scrambling for apparel to wear to Thursday’s Trump rally.

A New Mexico father was jailed following a viral video of him encouraging his 12-year-old daughter to beat up another girl. The man announced plans to leave the area upon his release, and move to a city where they have youth hockey.

The Social Security Administration listed its Top 1,000 baby names. In 2017, only 51 girls in the U.S. were named ‘Isis’. And they’re all having a reeeeeeallly hard time getting play dates.

 

 

Facebook and Instagram are adding dashboards to help track time spent on social media. “Wow, four hours a day is a lot of bullying!” said a cyberbully.

A survey from personal finance website Finder.com found that gin drinkers are the biggest “drunk shoppers” on Amazon. They were also the biggest “drunk shoppers” at brick & mortar stores before racking up so many DUIs.

Thieves stole two of Sweden’s crown jewels in a daring daylight heist in Stockholm. The criminals escaped in a speedboat and are still at large, despite Sweden putting all six of its cops on the case.

All 103 persons aboard an Aeromexico flight that crashed on Wednesday morning survived. Air travel experts weighed in on how everyone lived, saying that ‘tequila keeps everybody pretty relaxed.’

A man unknowingly rescued old books from a dumpster that had once belonged to Thomas Jefferson. Some were volumes by French theologian Pierre Charron – most were compilations of letters to 1800s Penthouse Forum about sex with black women.

A flight attendants union is petitioning the Department of Transportation to regulate the temperature aboard commercial aircraft. With the rise of sexually aggressive behavior on planes, the flight attendants are trying to eliminate any reason for weirdos to remove their shirts and pants.

Charlie Sheen is asking a judge to modify his child support, saying that he’s been unable to find steady work, and is in a “dire financial crisis” with less than $10 million in assets. Sheen is requesting that he be allowed to pay child support with cocaine.

The winners were announced in the New York State Craft Beer Competition. The big winner was Threes Brewing from Brooklyn, which took two medals; the big loser was Genesee, which took several judges’ livers.

Ivanka Trump shared an opinion that diverged from her father’s, saying she doesn’t think the media is the ‘enemy of the people’. She added that she thinks media is “hilarious” and “Boo! A Media Halloween” is her favorite Tyler Perry movie.

Thanks to a new law, catcallers in Paris face $870 on-the-spot fines for verbal sexual harassment. Police have yet to collect any money, though, since the male undercover cops they’ve been using to stroll past construction sites aren’t that hot.

Madonna said that Donald Trump’s presidency led her to move her family to Portugal – just in case anyone is struggling to find a positive outcome of the Trump presidency.

 

Harley Davidson said that they’re introducing an electric motorcycle, the Livewire, in 2019. Early reviews from women straddling it say they’re not impressed.

The Food & Drug Administration is cautioning women about the safety and efficacy of so-called “vaginal rejuvenation” treatments. The FDA said they have not approved the treatments, especially those being offered as fundraisers for high school football teams.

An eight-year-old at a McDonald’s in West Virginia reportedly pricked her finger on a needle she picked up in the restaurant’s playground area.  McDonald’s announced at a news conference that Grimace had checked himself into a Charleston area rehab.

Salads & wraps sold at Kroger, Trader Joe’s and Walgreens are being recalled for possible contamination with parasites. People who purchased food at Walgreens are asked to discard the products or return them for a refund — and to take a long, hard look at the reasons they’re buying meals at a drug store.

Franklin, the first black ‘Peanuts’ character, turned 50 on Tuesday. Franklin said the death of cartoonist Charles Schulz left him with little hope that he’ll meet a black female Peanuts character.

Facebook confirmed the discovery of new “inauthentic” social media campaigns ahead of the midterm elections. They said they took them down because the Russians behind the campaigns wouldn’t pay extra to “boost” their posts.

Former Fox Network “Hell’s Kitchen” contestant Jessica Vogel passed away at age 34, and will audition to appear on “Heaven’s Kitchen”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that some parents are paying tutors $20/hour to help their children improve at popular video game Fortnite. One Washington, D.C. tutor reports earning $160/day tutoring a boy named Barron.

A McDonald’s in Canada mistakenly served a pregnant woman a cup of cleaning fluid instead of the latte she ordered.  A spokeswoman for McDonald’s said they didn’t want the pregnant woman ingesting so much caffeine.

66-year-old David Hasselhoff married 38-year-old model Hayley Roberts in Italy.  The couple were married by Hasselhoff’s longtime friend Kitt, who escorted the couple to their reception, got carried away and drove into a telephone pole.

 

 

The Center for Whale Research reported that a mourning mother orca carried the body of its dead baby for several days in the Pacific Ocean. The mother orca also tore the heads off of several sharks who told unfortunate ‘dead baby’ jokes.

Alt-rock band Jimmy Eat World took to Twitter to give the origin story for their band name. Most people gave it a half-minute then switched on to something else.

Moviepass reportedly ran out of cash to pay for its subscribers’ movie tickets last week, causing an outage in the service while they secured more funding. In the meantime, the Moviepass app gave advice on which theater exit doors were the easiest to open from the outside and sneak in.

Gun control advocates are trying to stop the August 1st release of files for plastic firearms to be made on 3D printers. Terrorists are already fighting with each other over guns they’ve tried printing, since they don’t know what it means to “open door A and clear jam.”

A recruiting manager for Amazon told Business Insider the biggest mistake applicants make on their resumes is emphasizing big-name companies and lofty job titles instead of achievements. She said communicating your results is the key to Amazon picking you for a $14/hour job with 90-second timed bathroom breaks.

In Palo Alto, California, a 17-year-old boy broke into a couple’s home and demanded to use their wifi, telling one homeowner that he’d run out of cellular data. He was shoved out of the house and captured shortly thereafter, with police dubbing him The Boost Mobile Bandit.

Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti claims that in addition to Daniels and Playmate Karen McDougal, Donald Trump paid ‘hush money’ to at least 3 more women with whom he had sexual affairs. Avenatti is seeking to get their names, to meet his goal of having at least 4 female clients with ginormous boobs.

A woman in Scotland capturing video of a thunderstorm on her iPhone was struck by lightning, and claims that the rubber case she’d placed on the phone that day saved her life. Not only that, but she now says she can recharge her phone just by holding it.

Police in Navarro County, Texas used bulldozers to access and seize a five-acre marijuana growing compound. To ward off potential thieves, the growers had placed a scarecrow in a hammock holding an assault rifle. “Wasn’t me” confirmed NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch.

 

WWE’s stock price soared after releasing quarterly earnings. Executives attributed profits to cost savings from not having to buy wedding gifts for Nikki Bella and John Cena, and the robust U.S. economy providing more money for dumb people to buy WWE stuff.

Kristen Stewart has been cast as an Angel in the Charlie’s Angels movie reboot–where the Angels confront criminals and bore them to death.

Facebook had the worst day in U.S. stock market history, losing $132 billion in market value after forecasting slower earnings growth. It was so bad, Mark Zuckerberg vaguebooked “man, I can’t believe it” and received two million comments asking “what’s wrong?”

Over 700 immigrant children have yet to be reunited with their parents or families after being separated by Trump’s zero-tolerance immigration policy. What’s worse is that the Trump administration is charging the parents overtime for each hour they don’t arrive to pick up their kids at Donnie’s Day Care.

With over 200 cases reported since February, the Centers for Disease Control issued warnings for those raising chickens in their backyard to guard against salmonella. People are reminded to wash their hands, wear specific shoes while around the chickens and, if you live in the Deep South, use condoms.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones insists that players who want to remain on the Cowboys will need to stand for the National Anthem. Although they’ll still probably sit for the playoffs.

Amazon is beginning to roll out collaborative ‘wish lists’. They say it’s a great way for couples who loved specific wedding gifts to ask for duplicates before the divorce.

Apple announced free repair for its consumer devices that were damaged in the Japanese floods – just provide your name, address and device type and Apple will send you a large bag of rice.

New York City officials are moving to restrict the number of Uber and Lyft vehicles on the road, blaming rideshare cars for congestion, lower driver wages, and reduced opportunities for traditional cabbies to sexually harass passengers.

John ‘Papa John’ Schnatter is suing the company he founded, Papa John’s Pizza, to review internal documents related to his firing for using the n-word.  Papa John’s lawyers sent their response to Schnatter — late, tasteless, in a box with two wrinkled banana peppers.

Facebook announced that they will no longer permit advertisers to target users based on their race or ethnicity. This is causing confusion and anger among older white women in the Midwest who don’t know why they’re seeing ads for braided wigs, oversized condoms and menthol cigarettes.

A meta-analysis combining 185 studies in which semen was collected over the past 40 years found that sperm concentration in men has steadily declined over a generation. “See baby we don’t need a condom” said men sharing a PowerPoint graph of the study findings with women they met at the bar.

An experimental Alzheimer’s drug, an antibody called BAN2401, is stirring hope after early trials. The drug provided an improvement of 26-30% in patient cognition over a placebo, meaning 26-30 participants actually remembered what study they were in.

The Boston Globe reported that the Necco Wafer candy factory has been abruptly closed — a huge relief to children who pretended to be grateful when given Necco Wafers by their grandparents.

Scientists discovered a liquid lake on Mars – they assume it’s where Martians piss while they’re on vacation.

A Cubs fan at Wrigley Field was struck by a metal tile that fell from the hand-operated center field scoreboard. The man required five staples to close a cut, which he received after singing Take Me Out To The Emergency Room.

Samsung is expected to announce the Galaxy Note 9 in a couple of weeks. It’s rumored to have a 4,000mAh battery, its largest ever. Experts say that’s the longest battery life of any mobile phone, expected to burn up to 12 hours.

Tammy DuBois, 52, of Pittsgrove, New Jersey was treated at an area hospital after she was attacked by a rabid fox and killed it with her bare hands. New Jerseyans have now taken to a new expression: “crazy like Tammy DuBois”. [story h/t to JL!]

Sombra, a drug-sniffing German Shepherd dog working for Colombian police – that has found 10 tons of cocaine trafficked by the Urabenos cartel – has been moved for its own safety after Urabenos made death threats. The dog’s fur was dyed blond and it now answers to ‘Sally’.

Waymo self-driving car service is offering to take customers on round-trips to pick up merchandise at WalMart. The move is being hailed as a breakthrough by chronic shoplifters that don’t own a car.

 

 

Pepperidge Farm is voluntarily recalling more than 3 million packages of goldfish crackers over possible tainting from salmonella. No illnesses in children have been reported, but a lot of moms and nannies are pretty sick.

Gun control advocates are concerned that recent State Department decisions will allow anyone to make a working plastic firearm using a 3D printer.  Their concerns are echoed by employees at Staples, who are being bombarded with questions by customers wondering which toner they need to buy to make bullets.

President Trump tweeted that he’s concerned about potential Russian interference in upcoming U.S. elections, adding that since he’s so “tough on Russia”, the Russians “won’t want Trump”. 30 million U.S. voters now have something in common with Russia.

Officials in California are searching for former MTV “Be an MTV VJ!” contest winner Jesse Camp, who has been reported missing by his family. They were hoping he’d show up right after this World Premiere Video from White Lion, but it didn’t happen.

Ivanka Trump is shutting down her namesake fashion brand. Impacted textile workers will be offered retraining, or as they call it in Indonesia, elementary school.

A North Carolina woman is warning that a “callus cutter” used in conjunction with her pedicure caused an infection that almost forced the removal of her leg.  A spokesperson for the salon said that either way, the callus is gone.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl in Memphis is blaming her daughter’s emergency gallbladder removal on her four-bag-a-day Hot Cheetos habit. Medical experts dispute the mother’s claim, but surgeons said it was the dustiest, orange-est gall bladder they’ve ever seen.

Police are warning against a “super dangerous” dance challenge. Popular entertainer Shiggy posted a video dancing in the middle of the street to Drake’s ‘In My Feelings’; other Instagrammers have tried to top him by doing the same, or dancing while stepping out of moving cars. Police ask you to call 911 if you see someone dancing dangerously, and they’ll respond and shoot them.

Thousands of people signed a petition to have the Netflix series “Insatiable” canceled. The show chronicles an overweight bullied girl who slims down and then takes revenge on her tormentors. Netflix has not replied directly to the fat-shaming accusations, but says it has always encouraged binging.

WWE star Nikki Bella has called off her wedding to fellow wrestler and actor John Cena. The couple and their fans are heartbroken, but are hopeful they can pull it back together in time for Nuptialmania.

Scientists discovered a new breed of dinosaur, Akainacephalus johnsoni. The thing that distinguishes it from any other dinosaur is that it has a face full of spikes – as evidenced by a message found next to its fossilized carcass reading “cool piercings, brah”.

Former Dukes of Hazzard star Tom Wopat entered a guilty plea to charges of inappropriately touching two women from the cast of a musical in which he starred, and asking them if they wanted to see his boss hog.

Mondelez Global has recalled Ritz Cracker sandwiches and some flavors of Ritz Bits over worries that some may be tainted with salmonella. They ask you to check on any of your 90-year-old friends and relatives who still eat Ritz crackers.

An app, HomeCourt, that uses artificial intelligence to help you improve your basketball shot raised $4 million in venture capital. The first advice the app gives you is to take off the $15 Payless sneakers and brown dress socks.

Stormy Daniels’ husband Glendon Crain filed for divorce, alleging adultery – citing as evidence Daniels’ appearance in adult video Dirty Cheating MILFs, and its 12 sequels.

  • The divorce filing was confirmed by Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti, who said his client requests privacy as she removes her clothes and motorboats strip club patrons.

Wildfires continue in Greece, as officials there seek assistance battling the raging Greece fires, saying that waving their aprons and dishtowels at them isn’t working.

Former porn star Jenna Jameson showed off her recent 60-pound weight loss on Instagram, though some critics claim that the naked guy behind her on the scale simply took his foot off it.

A man was arrested for exercising naked at a Planet Fitness in New Hampshire, doing nude poses on a yoga mat while repeating the gym’s tagline that he was in a “judgement free zone”. Police also removed two other exercisers who were making the members uncomfortable because they were already in decent shape. [story h/t to Tara v A !]

French physicists tested bottles of California red wine from vintages 2011 and newer and found traces of radioactive material from Japan’s Fukushima nuclear reactor meltdown. In a related story, a man was named Oenophile of the Year for his review of a 2013 Cabernet Sauvignon with “bold notes of blackberry, subtle tannins, and traces of plutonium.”

The use of animal tranquilizer and party drug Ketamine is being studied for its use as an antidepressant. Numerous test subjects have reported sizable improvements in mood and reductions in thoughts of self-harm. Side effects include mild hallucinations and uncontrollable urges to chase tennis balls.

 

 

A woman gave birth to a baby daughter in the rest room of a San Antonio, Texas Chick-fil-A.  The baby gets free food for life and a guaranteed job at age 14.  The restaurant has a job opening now, however, since an employee just quit rather than clean the bathroom.

An investigation by the Chinese government found that a drug company, Changchun Changseng, had provided faulty vaccines given to thousands of children.  The government launched the investigation after finding syringes with the vaccine containing fortunes and lottery numbers.

The 150th Anniversary of the founding of the Golden Retriever breed was marked in the Scottish Highlands with a gathering of hundreds of the popular dogs.  The dogs looked to be having a great time, although one dog leaving the festivities said he couldn’t wait to sniff something other than another dog’s butt.

A Memphis man is under arrest for stealing a woman’s car while they were on a date, then using the car to take a different woman to a date at a drive-in movie. The car was returned to its owner, who is sure her back seat didn’t look like that before.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team reportedly wants to talk to the former ‘Manhattan Madam’ Kristin Davis. Davis was convicted of running a prostitution ring in the wake of investigations into former New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer. No word on why Mueller wants to talk to her, other than his team has been working some long, lonely hours.

New research states that infants’ waking hours may resemble a dream-like state or a psychedelic trip. Giulio Tononi of the University of Wisconsin published the study; he said that in his dreams and psychedelic trips he sees a lot of bare women’s breasts.

Genevieve Pascolla, a passenger on a United flight from London to Chicago, said that after she was reseated on her flight because the man in the adjacent seat was masturbating, the flight attendants made jokes. United refused her request for a refund but said they’ll no longer publish a swimsuit issue of their in-flight magazine.

Khloe Kardashian apologized for using the ‘r-word’ toward her sister Kourtney while they shared live video on Instagram. “Are you f***ing retarded?” Khloe asked Kourtney. While Khloe did say she was sorry, dozens of Kardashians’ followers on Instagram are waiting for Kourtney to answer the question.

A human cannonball at a circus in Chile was seriously injured when he shot far over his safety net and landed on the ground, breaking his chin and knees. The circus is halting the act until they can find a much, much heavier cannonball.

A New York Times article reports that merchants in Melania Trump’s hometown of Sevnica, Slovenia sell souvenir Melania salami — although they admit she likes the smaller American kind better.

 

A Secret Service agent traveling with President Trump’s security detail died in Scotland after suffering a stroke.  Asked how they feel about their colleague’s death, fellow agents guarding Trump said “jealous”.

U.S. Customs & Border Patrol agents found nearly ten pounds of heroin in four egg-shaped packages at New York’s JFK Airport — along with two seriously strung out chickens.

A new study claims that cancer risk is reduced by eating dinner earlier, delighting 80-year-olds who want dinner at 2pm now.

NFL quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was spotted dining with porn star Kiara Mia in Beverly Hills. Garoppolo said they’re just friends, although they feel more like teammates, since her breasts are 49’ers.

The Transportation Security Administration is implementing more security measures, asking that travelers remove bags of snacks from their carry-ons along with liquids and laptops. This follows reports that a passenger ate an entire bag of Cheddar Cheese Combos and blew up a jetliner’s bathroom.

Ohio police released video of porn star Stormy Daniels’ arrest at a Columbus strip club for ‘motorboating’ several officers during her act.  It’s the first ever police body cam footage available via pay-per-view.

Six nurses that work together in a Winston-Salem oncology clinic at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center are all pregnant.  Said one of the clinic’s male doctors: “hey, we had a great Memorial Day weekend.”

Uber believes its rentals of electric bikes in San Francisco are so popular that they’re cannibalizing car rides. Uber is evaluating whether to offer tandem electric bikes for customers who miss having someone sexually harassing them during their trips.

Alleged Russian spy Maria Butina remains behind bars on several charges, including offering sex in exchange for a ‘position of influence’ with a special interest group. The position and group are not named, although it is believed to be a manager job at the McDonalds where President Trump gets lunch every day.

A woman from Texas was arrested for collecting 40 queen conch shells in Key West, Florida.  The queen conch is a protected species. She was sentenced to 15 days in jail, but got to keep one of the shells so she could hear the ocean from her cell.

 

 

A tourist from London visiting the Jersey Shore was impaled in her lower leg by a flying beach umbrella. When New Jerseyans heard a woman was impaled, they offered her sunscreen.

  • After her bleeding was stopped, the woman was rushed to the Jersey Shore Critical Care Center – which is a casino nurse’s office where they take old people whose oxygen tanks run out while they’re playing slots.

Skytrax’ World Airline Awards named Singapore Airlines the best in the world. “Well, then let’s take them to see the grandkids in Louisiana!” said an old man in Arkansas who doesn’t understand how airlines work.

President Trump attempted to walk back his press conference remarks about Russian election meddling, stating he meant to say “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia” but instead he said ‘would’.  He compared it to 2005, when he told Melania he would be banging a porn star at a golf tournament when he meant to say wouldn’t.

Instagram user @magbody mistakenly congratulated plus-size supermodel Ashley Graham on her ‘baby bump’, when Graham isn’t pregnant. Graham replied that the bump was fat, and @magbody told Graham to stop saying her unborn baby is fat.

Florida’s coastal seaweed bloom could be the worst in history – hurting beach tourism, smothering sea turtle hatchlings and emitting a horrible odor. Wildlife officials have a plan in place to get rid of it, they’re just waiting for a big enough sinkhole to throw it in.

A woman who believed that her doctor touched her inappropriately during an office visit set up a hidden camera on her next visit. She showed the video to police and Dr. James Dyess, 57, was charged with sexual battery. Dyess was taken into custody and asked for a copy of the video.

A new study in Journal of Psychological Science claims 40 percent of people have a “first memory” that is fictional. Scientists claim that most first memories date from 3 years of age or older, and urge parents to stop blowing money taking 2-year-olds to Disney World.

Google announced that Nest home security products CEO Marwan Fawaz is leaving the company, as Nest products are moved under the Google Home Division. Google said Fawaz isn’t leaving the Nest, the Nest is leaving him.

Apple unveiled 70 new emojis to mark World Emoji Day on Tuesday – including new redheads, bald heads, and an expression to show how much harder it is to find the emoji you want.

A Florida woman was arrested after her pet spider monkey, ‘Spanky’, was accused of attacking Home Depot employees.  The Home Depot worker claims the monkey jumped from a shopping cart and grabbed him, leaving marks on his neck. Spanky claims the worker purposely sold him the wrong socket wrench.

Jennifer McIver, a Colorado Mom, shared a story on Facebook about her 3-year-old daughter locking herself in their new LG front-loading washing machine, and her 4-year-old son starting it. The daughter was unhurt, but they’re asking LG to put locks on washer doors. The son was rewarded for washing his sister on Delicate, but she came out with even bigger stains on her pants than when she went in.

A 27-year-old woman went into labor while riding Kilimanjaro Safaris at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. She delivered the baby shortly thereafter via FastPass, but two triplet siblings were told to expect at least a 90-minute wait.

Tinder – which doesn’t allow daters to send photos to each other – are conducting a test in Canada and Mexico where users can send personal Bitmoji to one another. Tinder users are busily figuring out how to create Bitmoji of their genitals and breasts.

Microsoft and Walmart announced a strategic partnership to take on Amazon in technology and retail. It’s called Let’s Spend Billions And Still Lose.

Do Thi Duc, a researcher in Berlin, studied 208 million public transactions made over Venmo during the past year, because most users never change the default setting that makes activity public. Nearly 3 million transactions involved pizza, and 10 million involved the weed emoji, so she assumed they were payments to landscapers.

Russian President Vladimir Putin presented U.S. President Donald Trump with a ceremonial World Cup soccer ball at a joint press conference. Trump tossed it to his wife, marking the first time Melania handled one of Trump’s balls since conceiving Barron.

Archaeologists in Jordan found what they claim is 14,000-year-old flatbread – which went uneaten because everyone at dinner was on the Paleo diet.

Netflix posted disappointing results, adding only 674,000 new subscribers in the second quarter, versus a forecast of 1.2 million. Shareholders rated it one star and skipped to the third quarter episode.

Fans were shocked as MTV snubbed Taylor Swift in all major categories of its Video Music Awards. Her fans stated their intent to stop watching music videos on MTV, in the event they ever start showing them again.

An airborne blob of lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano struck a lava-watching tour boat off the eastern coast of Hawaii’s big island, injuring 23 people but really giving them their money’s worth.

 

Supermodel Kate Upton and husband Justin Verlander announced that they’re expecting a baby. Elon Musk delivered Upton a specially-engineered nursing bra.

Police in Fairfax County, Virginia said that the driver of a 710-horsepower McLaren 720S luxury sports car totaled it one day after it was purchased for $288,000.  The driver survived, but is still upset at having insured the car with The General.

Twitter undertook a large-scale purge of suspicious accounts, with Katy Perry and Justin Bieber each losing 2.5 million followers.  Meanwhile your Mom picked up 3 followers this week so she considers herself Twitter’s big star now.

Fernandina Beach, Florida reopened one day after two men were bitten by sharks. The men were treated and released, the sharks wrapped up vacation and returned to work at the beaches near Disney Orlando Resorts.

Papa John’s board of directors announced that Chairman John Schnatter, who admitted using the ‘n-word’ on a conference call, will be removed from all marketing materials. Schnatter was also removed from his office at Papa John’s headquarters. He’s said to be evaluating a new company with chef Paula Deen, specializing in white pizza.

Google Chrome angered users with its latest update by expanding its required memory usage on your computer. Google said Chrome just needed a bigger place to crash.

President Trump and Russian President Putin held their summit in Helsinki. Trump kicked off the festivities along with several scantily clad cheerleaders, shouting as Putin arrived.. “gimme a P..!”.

CVS is apologizing after a white male store manager called the police on a black woman customer who attempted to redeem a coupon. The manager doubted the authenticity of the woman’s coupon because it was less than two feet long.

Tim Tebow announced that he’s dating 2017 Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters. Tebow said he doesn’t expect her to go all the way….to Binghamton, New York, the upstate New York town where he plays Double-A baseball.

  • For her part, Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters said that both her hyphens, and her hymen, remain intact.

In Indonesia, an angry mob killed 300 crocodiles that were living in an animal sanctuary after crocs killed a 48-year-old man who had entered the crocs’ breeding pond. The sanctuary is promising to build stricter barriers, while the mob is enjoying their new belts, shoes and handbags.

 

 

 

 

Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal has been linked by the Centers for Disease Control to 100 cases of salmonella in 33 states. Honey Smacks cartoon frog mascot Dig ‘Em has been hospitalized, and will be temporarily replaced by his cousin, Puke ‘Em.

  • Kellogg’s has recalled Honey Smacks, and new boxes will be issued with a free prize inside — Immodium pills.

Build-a-Bear locations were overwhelmed by the stores’ “Pay Your Age” promotion – with stuffed bear kits offered at $1/year of a child’s age – and turned away thousands of angry and disappointed families. EMTs were called to several locations where Bear employees were mauled by moms.

In Washington state, a robber broke into a business housing several ‘escape rooms’, but then called 911 when he couldn’t find a way out. Police arrested the burglar, 40-year-old Rye Wardlaw, and forced him to hold up signs reading “I’m a dummy” and “I couldn’t get out” for his booking photo.

At Wasco State Prison in California, a 66-year-old convicted child molester was beaten to death by a 19-year-old fellow inmate within days of his arrival. Prison officials are investigating. Kinda.

  • A spokesman for Welcome Wagon said that the 19-year-old prisoner’s franchise had been revoked.

President Trump and First Lady Melania arrived in London to meet with British Prime Minister Theresa May. Mr. Trump said that the infamous “Trump Baby” blimp flying above protests in London made him “uncomfortable”. Melania Trump said privately that the blimp holding her hand made her feel “embarrassed”.

Bill Cosby turned 81 on Thursday, celebrating with a party at his home featuring a jazz band. His wife Camille gave a toast, but then everybody asked if they could pour themselves a fresh drink before clinking glasses and drinking to the guest of honor.

A 35-year-old woman went to a Dijon, France emergency room complaining of a tingling sensation in her legs. Doctors x-rayed her, then found and removed a larval dog tapeworm lodged in her spine. The woman was given anti-parasitic medication and the tapeworm was returned to her favorite French restaurant.

Officials in Illinois and Ohio are investigating reports of food borne illness believed to be caused by McDonald’s salads. So far the illness has been found in zero people and hundreds of mice.

‘Roseanne’ was nominated for two Emmys —  Best Supporting Actress in a comedy for Laurie Metcalf; and an editing nomination.  A third Emmy, Best Decision To Cancel a Comedy, is still under consideration.

Preliminary pricing has been announced for Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin space tourism offering. Two sources state tickets will go between $200,000 and $300,000 – but carry-ons cost extra.

Papa John’s Chairman John Schnatter resigned after saying the word “n*ggers” on a conference call. An unnamed source in the room with him claims he actually said it three times, but the first two times he was on Mute.

Porn star Stormy Daniels was arrested in Ohio on three misdemeanor charges of touching strip club patrons while nude onstage. Ohio law forbids strippers from touching customers while nude, unless it’s a “family member”. Daniels attorney said she was entrapped by officers who asked her to call them Daddy.

  • Daniels took two mugshots. One standard, and one bent over at the waist looking back at the camera over her shoulder.

Kylie Jenner appears on the cover of the latest Forbes magazine as she approaches becoming the U.S.’s youngest self-made billionaire. She said her next goal is to become a millionaire.

Facebook’s app is reportedly crashing on Android devices, as reported by panicked women whose selfies haven’t received “so beautiful” comments from the same four friends.

Google updated their Gboard keyboard app to allow users to communicate via Morse code. Google execs praised the new feature, which is designed to make communication easier for those with disabilities, Boy Scouts, and time-travelers to the 1940s.

Shridar Chillal, 82, of Pune, India – holder of the Guinness World Record for longest fingernails – cut them off and donated them after growing them for 66 years. They will be displayed in a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum in New York, after technicians clean off decades of food Chillal scraped from his teeth.

Instagram introduced an ‘Ask Me Anything’ feature, which allows users to place a ‘?’ sticker on their photos, allowing other users to ask open-ended questions. So far the most common question is “How do I delete Instagram?”

Scientists have discovered the brightest object in the universe, a quasar from when the universe was just 7 percent of its current age. The quasar exists at one end of the galactic spectrum; at the other, 23-year-old Kim Kardashian, who made a sex tape at 67 percent of her current age, known as the dimmest object in the universe.

Older people with higher blood pressure run a higher risk of Alzheimer’s. So quit bothering grandma because you are literally going to make her crazy.

The IRS says that over 350,000 Americans will be unable to obtain or renew passports because of unpaid taxes, although Donald and Melania are likely to get a waiver.

 

 

Jada Pinkett Smith spoke on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ about her past sex addiction. She said she managed to get it under control by getting married.

Tesla plans to build an auto manufacturing plant in Shanghai that will make 500,000 autos per year, or about five per year for every teenager working there.

Colton Underwood, 26. a former NFL practice squad player, admitted on ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ that he’s still a virgin. ‘Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin told Underwood that she’s not a virgin, and has also spent considerable time around football players.

President Donald Trump arrived at the NATO Summit in Brussels, playing the role of the brother-in-law that nobody likes but still has to be invited to the wedding.

Instagram model Katarina Zatrutskie was being photographed floating above a pack of nurse sharks in the Bahamas when one shark attacked her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her underwater. Zatruskie freed herself, and immediately called for help from doctor sharks.

NFL player A.J. Francis angrily tweeted at the Transportation Security Administration for opening an urn containing his dead mother’s ashes and dumping them all over the inside of his suitcase during a checked bag inspection. The TSA apologized and offered Francis an official TSA Dustbuster.

Google is now referring to the different voices in its Assistant app by color.  But they’re fixing a bug where users seeking directions to bad neighborhoods are being talked out of going by the White Assistant.

Singer Cardi B. delivered a baby girl, Kulture Kiari Cephus, on Tuesday, via her Cardi V.

Microsoft introduced the Surface Go, a tablet competitor to the iPad. However, since it runs Windows instead of iOS or Android, the name stands for Go-ing on Closeout.

Consumer agency Technomic released its findings of the Cleanest Chain Restaurants in America. In the fast-casual category, Chick-fil-A was the cleanest.  In the somewhat-fast-slovenly category, Arby’s won by default.

After a harrowing ordeal lasting almost three weeks, all 12 member boys and the coach of the Wild Boars soccer team have been successfully rescued from a flooded cave in Thailand. The Boars forfeited two games and took the pitch just in time to lose 72-0 on Monday night.

President Trump nominated Brett Kavanaugh to the open seat on the Supreme Court. Kavanaugh dislikes abortion, but likes guns, unfettered executive branch power, and long walks on the beach.

As Trump held a press conference introducing Kavanaugh, Stormy Daniels was stripping nearby at local club The Cloakroom. Her show charged $50, or $200 if you wanted to Daniels to sit on your bench.

Following an eight-year search, Australian researchers have captured a massive, 1,300 pound crocodile as it lurked near a boat ramp in a river.  The researchers said they wanted to capture and isolate it to prevent it from “interacting with humans” — noting that the croc is a Registered Toddler-Eating Offender.

  • The croc will now “be taken to a croc farm” in Australia’s Katherine region. “We’re getting the f**k out of here” said chickens currently residing on the farm.

A husband and wife participating in a Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines ‘Extreme Caribe Zip Line Tour’ collided while on the lines, killing the husband. Asked what safety measures were in place, the cruise’s tour director replied “zip”.

Todd, a golden retriever that defended its owner Paula Godwin from a rattlesnake, was invited as a guest of honor to an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game. Todd and Godwin took the field before the game, but the dog left after two innings because he was bored.

Four young men swooped into an Apple store in Fresno, California, stealing $27.000 worth of Apple laptops and iPhones in under a minute. A man attempting to block the thieves from leaving the store was knocked over. The thieves remain at large, and the injured man returned to his station behind the Hero Bar.

Peggy Frank, a 63-year-old U.S. Postal Service letter carrier in Southern California was found dead in her mail truck on Friday, while delivering mail in temperatures registering near 120 degrees. She could not be saved despite resuscitation attempts by paramedics and people wondering where their Social Security checks were.

The World Health Organization and the United Nations Health Agency reasserted their warnings that parents should moderate their kids’ video game play when gaming ‘takes over other activities’. However, the WHO and UN were roundly criticized by both the International Game Developers Association, and the makers of Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

For the second time in as many days, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was heckled out of a restaurant by protesters. McConnell was clearly frustrated, but should have known there would be trouble when he saw more than one other customer in a Long John Silver’s.

Starbucks pledged to eliminate plastic straws globally by 2020. Customers will be able to choose non-plastic straws, ‘strawless lids’, or having the barista just pour your drink down the front of your shirt and lap.

President Trump will name his newest nominee to the Supreme Court Monday night, at a televised press conference that is almost guaranteed to boost TV ratings for Monday Night Baseball.

A 55-year-old Florida man was arrested at a Chili’s restaurant in Vacaville, California for purposely exposing himself while seated at the bar. As he was led away in handcuffs, the man told officers “Chili’s in California are different than Florida.”

A missing 5-month-old infant was found buried alive under a pile of sticks in the Montana mountains. Police arrested the boyfriend of the baby’s mother for criminal endangerment, and also issued a court appearance citation to the beavers who own & operate Montana Mountain Child Care.

Justin Bieber is engaged to Hailey Baldwin. The couple confirmed the news on Instagram, will issue invitations on Instagram, marry on Instagram, and honeymoon on Instagram…but will probably be divorced in a Snap.

Tom Brady posted backyard video with his young son, showing his son attempting to catch him as he evades the son’s “pass rush” as the elder Brady wears a full helmet and pads. His son then hugs him, at which point Tom Brady yells at an off-camera official to call a late hit.

Costco is eliminating the Polish hot dog from its food court menu, causing customer outrage. A spokesman said the item created confusion with some of Costco’s dumber customers, who misread the sign and were arrested for indecency while polishing their hot dog.

Asian inventors released a video showing ‘Amphibio’, a large white mask for humans that they claim acts like a gill – allowing for underwater breathing, and for looking even more like an idiot when you drown .

Kim Kardashian visited a California women’s prison on Friday, meeting with 15 inmates to find out about their daily lives and their plans once they’re released.  Kardashian left with 14 marriage proposals, and 1 offer to smuggle in six kilos of heroin in her buttocks on her next visit.

Movie star heartthrob of the fifties and sixties Tab Hunter has died at age 86. No funeral arrangements have been announced, but the hope is that other actors will act as pallbearers to help pick up the Tab.

 

Disney Imagineering has created autonomous 90-pound robots that can do airborne stunts like high-dives and trapeze work, although the robots’ union rep said they’re only working four-hour shifts and refuse to do any more Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Khloe Kardashian posted a photo with her new baby, True, along with a message saying that she’s nervous about returning to work. To which everyone in the world replied “what work?”

Scott Pruitt, head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, resigned amid months of allegations of legal and ethical violations. When Pruitt finished his resignation letter, President Trump said to just leave it on the pile.

The first hurricane of the year has been announced as Hurricane Beryl, as in ‘watch it barrel over the areas that just got done cleaning up from last year’s hurricanes’.

Singer Chris Brown was arrested after a concert in Florida; Brown had an outstanding arrest warrant for punching a photographer. He was released on a $2,000 cash bond, plus a $10,000 advance on bail for the other people he plans to punch.

U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar said that officials are racing against a federal judge’s extreme deadlines to reunite up to 3,000 detained migrant children with their parents. Azar said that the children had all been released from cages, but that it will take them some time to walk to get to their parents.

The latest fitness fad is exercising in a cold studio. Brrrn in New York City has studios with temperatures at 45, 55 and 60 degrees.  Or, across town, goons in the Meat Packing District will charge you $50/hour to lift sides of beef.

Mobile trivia game HQ Trivia introduced ‘Streaks’, where players who play multiple games in a row are rewarded with extra lives. They chose the name Streaks after they found their first choice, Dopes Without Friends and Lots Of Spare Time, was too wordy to fit on smartphone screens.

President Trump’s upcoming meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin is rumored to be one-on-one, with only Trump, Putin, and their translators present. Google Translate’s Russian/English site has seen a surge in users wanting to know how to say ‘hooker urine’ in Russian.

Luxury cruise line Crystal Cruises is touting its latest mega-cruise, a 105-day voyage on the Crystal Serenity. It departs Miami, and arrives in Italy, via exotic ports in Australia, Central America, Asia and Europe. The cost is over $40,000 per person, but that includes food, and you get to have a strain of norovirus named after you.

A 2007 video from Jimmy Kimmel Live resurfaced. The video shows Andy Dick groping the leg of Ivanka Trump. In case you ever wondered what Andy Dick has in common with President Trump.

A Maryland man who bought legal fireworks in Pennsylvania was hospitalized after a mortar tube exploded, causing catastrophic injuries to both hands. The man is expected to start practicing with his new hooks by calling customer service at the fireworks store.

Amazon is expanding Prime Day to 36 hours. They got the idea when they realized that so many of their two-day shipping orders arrive in four days.

Authorities cleared visitors from the Statue of Liberty after a woman, Therese Okoumou, protesting the Trump Administration’s immigration policies climbed the base of the statue and refused to come down. She was eventually brought down and described by medical personnel as “tired, poor, and yearning to breathe free.”

Melania Trump reportedly earns six-to-seven figure royalties from a photo licensing deal with Getty Images, where her pictures are to be used only in “positive” news stories. When pressed about the exact sum Melania has made, a spokesperson said “almost as much as she made from her topless nude pics.”

Microsoft is planning to introduce ‘Dark Mode’ to its Outlook web mail service. The dark theme – originally introduced as a trial on Halloween – became a hit for its use with corporate clients announcing mass layoffs.

The Barton 1792 Distillery in Kentucky, which partially collapsed in June along with 9,000 barrels of bourbon, has now completely collapsed, officially making the catastrophe a double.

Kim Kardashian West tried wakeboarding on the 4th of July, sharing a video online with the caption “This is way harder than it looks!” — the same thing she said while filming her sex tape.

Netflix is reportedly testing out a new $16.99 “Ultra” tier of service.  “With PORN?” asks men. “No.” said Netflix. And men were sad.

Cities in the western U.S. like California and Nevada are so dry and concerned about brush fires that they cancelled 4th of July fireworks and replaced them with nighttime drone shows. But for old times’ sake, the drone are still blowing a few people’s fingers off.

 

 

After an F.B.I. sting, Demetrius Pitts was arrested for allegedly planning a Fourth of July attack in Cleveland. Pitts was charged with one count of attempting to provide material support to a terror organization, and one count of attempting to somehow make Cleveland even worse.

A television ad for a subscription razor service called Billie purports to be the first to ever to show women’s leg and armpit hair. Billie was applauded by the LGBT community for hiring so many of their models.

Harvey Weinstein faces three new sex-crime charges. His indictment on them premieres this Friday.

Singer Liam Payne of One Direction and his partner Cheryl Cole have split up, with Cole going in a Second Direction.

In honor of International Scoliosis Day, Great Britain’s Princess Eugenie, 28, shared x-rays of her scoliosis on Instagram. Horny teenage boys praised her for being curvy.

Producers of Top Gun sequel Top Gun: Maverick are reportedly casting the role of Goose’s son. Three young method actors have already suffered severe concussions auditioning the big ejection scene.

12 young Thai soccer players and their coach have, miraculously, been found alive after 9 days trapped in an underground cave after flash floods. When asked the first thing that they’d like to do after they get out of the cave, the kids said “fire our f**king coach.”

Tennis champion Roger Federer ended his longstanding clothing sponsorship with Nike and will wear tennis gear from Japanese supplier Uni Qlo.  Uni Qlo’s CEO said they’re thrilled to be partnering with a legendary player like Lodger Fedellel.

Taiwanese smartphone manufacturer HTC is laying off 1,500 employees, via a big, sad group text.

The website offering Official Trump Merchandise is holding a July 4th sale. Buyers get 40% off with coupon code FREEDOM.  The 40% off code is not valid on prison sentences.

Roseanne Barr said she’s received a “really good offer” to go back on TV and that she “might do it.” ABC Networks denies that they’re recruiting several dozen chubby-chasing senior men for ‘The Racist Bachelorette.’

According to a study by the Detroit Free Press, the popularity of SUVs is responsible for a 46% increase in pedestrian deaths since 2009, to about 6,000 American people per year, and about 200,000 deer.

Former Trump lawyer and ‘fixer’ Michael Cohen said in an interview with ABC News that his loyalties are to “family ..first”. As proof, Cohen showed the non-disclosure agreements he’d worked up with the porn star nannies he’d hired for his kids.

A McGill University study states that unemployment can increase your risk of unexpected death by 63 percent. The study followed a group of people who used the free time from their layoffs to become trapeze artists.

A study published Monday in JAMA Internal Medicine reports that drinking coffee is associated with a lower risk of early death, no matter how much you drink and whether or not it’s caffeinated. Critics of the study say the doctors who authored it have never gotten coffee at a Sunoco station.

The Trump Administration is being criticized for the Fair and Reciprocal Trade Act [FART] governing economic activities with other countries. The White House said the bill isn’t final, that FART is just a draft, and that the President denies this FART.

An anonymous benefactor bought $1 million worth of Toys R Us remaining inventory to give to underprivileged children. Now they’re still figuring out how to get all of it to the cages on the U.S./Mexico border.

President Trump criticized Democrats & Progressives for their calls to eliminate ICE, worried at how he’ll keep his Diet Coke cold.

LeBron James signed a four-year, $154 million deal to join the NBA’s Los Angeles Lakers. In addition to the money, James will also likely get at least a month of extra vacation.

A St. Louis Cardinals groundskeeper was struck in the head by an errant ceremonial pregame first pitch.  Umpires immediately ejected the dork who threw it, his family ran onto the field, and a brawl ensued.

 

 

 

A man in his underwear ran onto the tarmac at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, jumped on the wing of a Delta plane, and pounded on the windows while yelling at the passengers inside. He was then joined on the wing by several others once Delta announced the final boarding group for the flight.

Toys R Us officially closes the doors on all of its stores Friday, becoming Toys WR Us.

Actress Shailene Woodley said she was “f—in miserable” eating a 350-calorie-per-day diet for her latest film ‘Adrift’ where she portrays a woman lost at sea. Woodley now says she is “still f—in miserable” because no one saw the movie.

Costco is partnering with food startup Apeel Sciences to sell avocados treated with a natural coating that makes them last twice as long — up to 2 hours.

Minor league baseball team Staten Island Yankees is rebranding as the Staten Island Pizza Rats for several Saturday games this summer. However, the change angered Italians on Staten Island, who canceled Italian Heritage Night at the park. Instead, Staten Island Italians will celebrate their heritage by sitting on their porches in wifebeaters.

President Trump is reportedly consulting with advisers to identify a successor to White House Chief of Staff John Kelly.  Front-runners are Mike Pence’s Chief of Staff Mike Ayers, Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney, and Apprentice Champion-slash-Poison lead singer Bret Michaels.

On average, one person was murdered every 15 minutes in Mexico in the month of May. And that’s just from the unlimited well drinks at Sandals.

Toy Story Land opens at Disney World this weekend, offering something for children and adults; new attractions include Slinky Dog Dash, Alien Swirling Saucers, and the Bo Peep Show.

California just passed the strictest online privacy law in the country, allowing residents to dictate if their personal data can be sold. Lawmakers in Mississippi are also considering online privacy laws, but first need to understand how the dang Internet works, anyhow.

A shortage of carbon dioxide is causing the U.K. to ration beer. Queen Elizabeth can now only get hammered four nights a week.

 

 

Renovated Atlantic City casino/hotels Ocean and Hard Rock Hotel surprised tourists and residents by opening their doors a day early. Both were eager to welcome guests off the famously depressing boardwalk to come in and throw away their money.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he’s retiring from the High Court effective July 31st.  Local Planned Parenthood offices announced their first-ever Going Out Of Business Sale this Labor Day.

Jet Blue passengers on a flight from New York to Los Angeles sat with their hands held high in their seats, as cops stormed the tarmac, after the pilot mistakenly punched in a transmission code for “hijacking”. Coincidentally, four 10-year-olds were taken off the plane as the error unwittingly foiled their attempt to take the plane to Disney World.

Scarlett Johansson denied a rumor that she was recruited by the Church of Scientology to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend. However an unnamed source said she flunked the interview when she was asked to show emotion, and Johansson replied that she couldn’t.

A report from the Centers for Disease Control said that just 23% of U.S. adults are getting enough exercise. The CDC issued the findings during a press conference from their empty company gym.

  • Mississippi had the lowest reported percentage of exercise-conscious adults, 13.7%. Respondents in Mississippi said their number-one fitness activity is “running from snakes.”

38 North, a consultancy monitoring military activity in North Korea, said that they are not disarming nuclear missile facilities, but are rather fortifying the Yonbyon Nuclear Scientific Research Center. North Korean officials dispute the report, saying the missiles were requested for July 4th Fireworks by President Trump.

Amazon is seeking prospective entrepreneurs with $10,000 to apply to start local package delivery businesses for Prime orders. If Amazon turns you down, they show you items You Might Be Interested In costing $10,000.

Chipotle is testing new menu items like quesadillas and tostadas, but their CEO said that it will take up to three years to roll out nationally. Although the test food is expected to roll out of diners in about three minutes, locally.

Retailer H&M said that it’s currently holding $4 billion in inventory of unsold clothing. The retailer is planning aggressive markdowns, and targeted marketing to moms and grandmoms who know how to make boys & girls look embarrassingly uncool when school starts.

LPGA golfer Stacy Lewis said that her primary sponsor, KPMG, will continue to pay her while she takes maternity leave from golf tournaments. She’s still negotiating her return to the tour with her caddy, who’s hesitant to wear a Baby Bjorn and carry a second bag for diapers.

 

The body of 48-year-old Todd Keeling was found in a beer cooler before an Atlanta Braves game at Sun Trust Park. Reports originally stated that he died in a walk-in freezer, but were corrected when police said they found the body surrounded in Silver Bullets. [story h/t to Chris Schmidt!!]

Sir Ray Davies announced that legendary British rockers The Kinks are getting back together, as soon as they work themselves out.

Missouri State University Associate Sociology professor Alicia Walker is asking for 3,600 explicit photos of flaccid and erect penises to explore how a man’s penis size affects the rest of his life. She expects to complete the photo-gathering phase of the study after joining Tinder for 15 minutes.

  • Professor Walker’s hypothesis is that men with large penises self-identify as being happier with their life, as do their wives & girlfriends, although the women self-report many more headaches.

Sarah Sanders is getting Secret Service protection. Visitors to the Pennsylvania Avenue Arby’s are asked to budget extra time for visits between Noon and 1:30pm.

Brazilian swimsuit model Sabrina Jales St Pierre is suing the Embassy Suites in Palm Desert, California, saying she suffered so many bedbug bites during her stay there that she had to turn down modeling work. Furthermore, she said that she was the target of inappropriate comments from the bedbugs when they saw her at the free breakfast buffet the next morning.

White House officials announced that Melania Trump is making a second visit to the Mexican border, to check the progress of her tunnel.

Joe Jackson, patriarch of the singing Jackson Family, passed away at age 89. A statement released by the family said “Hee-heeeeee is dead.”

The Florida Department of Health is warning beachgoers about an outbreak of biting sea lice off the state’s northwest shores. The lice, which are actually jellyfish larvae, leave itchy irritated rashes, and are known to attack tourists by angrily declaring stretches of Pensacola as a Locals Only Beach, brah!

Justice Anthony Kennedy announced that he’s retiring from the Supreme Court, effective July 31st. President Trump announced he’ll compile a list of nominees after meeting them at a rally in Charlottesville.

Google gave journalists a demonstration of Google Duplex, a human-sounding artificial intelligence product that makes human-sounding phone calls on your behalf to automate things like making restaurant reservations, hair appointments, and getting shut down calling hot women for dates.

 

The Food & Drug Administration approved the first-ever prescription drug derived from marijuana, to deal with epilepsy symptoms. Stoners are busily booking doctors appointments and practicing seizures.

Harley-Davidson will move some production overseas in order to avoid punitive tariffs for motorcycles shipped from the U.S. to Europe.  Parisian shopkeepers are worried the resulting shipment delays will only further anger the notorious, croissant-thieving French Hell’s Angels.

Mike Fleiss, creator of ABC Television series ‘The Bachelor’, tweeted that he’s ‘horrified’ that ‘abusive a-holes’ are on the show. He wistfully recalled the days when the show prominently featured only vain, non-abusive a-holes.

Residents of Maine are being warned about the Lone Star Tick, whose bite makes victims allergic to red meat. The ticks are said to frequent cookouts to get at the extra cheeseburgers, and are working on an update to make victims allergic to craft beer.

Pennsylvania residents can now legally buy and set off aerial fireworks this 4th of July, but are upset that the state levies 18% sales tax on them – they feel they’re being charged a blown-off arm and a blown-off leg.

Michael Cohen’s lawyers have reviewed millions of documents seized during a raid at his offices, and will claim attorney/client privilege over 12,000. The lawyers may not be very good, because they identified the 12,000 by seeing which ones had ‘attorney’ ‘client’ and ‘privilege’ typed on them.

First responders in New Hampshire were able to rescue a 2-year-old boy trapped under a pile of rocks. Said the fire chief “thank God that kid had so many Tonka trucks.”

In Arizona, local officials are warning that snakes may be hiding in pool noodles, after several reports from residents surprised to be finding snakes in them. One snake apologized, saying he napped in the pool noodle after getting exhausted playing all morning on the Slither n Slide.

Apple released its Schoolwork App, which allows teachers with iPads to manage classroom tasks like creating assignments and tracking students’ progress. Apple is continuing its discounts on iPads so teachers whose primary iPad is running the Schoolwork App have a second iPad for watching porn.

The Supreme Court upheld the Trump Administration’s controversial travel ban from Muslim-centric countries, dealing a critical blow to immigration activists and causing a huge sigh of relief from American tourists flying home from the Middle East.

Dolly Parton’s theme park Dollywood is being sued for $2 million by a woman who said she suffered a severe spinal injury on the park’s RiverRush Water Coaster. Worse, she claims park medical staff in overalls and straw hats attempted to anesthetize her intravenously with the contents of two ceramic jugs labeled ‘XXX’.

Heather Locklear was arrested for the second time in two weeks, charged with battery on a police office and an EMT. Her parents are hopeful that Heather will get the help she so desperately needs – a really good agent.

Fixer Upper stars Joanna & Chip Gaines shared the first photo of their new baby son, Crew. He was named for the crew of workers who went to work this week renovating her birth canal.

Medical journal Obesity claims acceptance for plus-size people may prevent overweight adults from recognizing their own weight gain. A survey of 23,000 overweight/obese adults found 60 percent of men and 30 percent of women underestimated their weight. 90 percent returned the survey with mayonnaise stains.

Actor Mel Gibson lost his lawsuit to block the release of the film ‘Professor and the Madman’, which stars Gibson and documents the origins of the Oxford English Dictionary.  Gibson will not promote the film, and cancelled his appearance at the San Diego DictionaryCon.

Owner of Lexington, Virginia restaurant The Red Hen asked White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders and 7 of her family members to leave on the basis of “moral conviction”. Sanders said she left without incident, and was only there to have a small salad and glass of water, anyway.

Actor Michael Rapaport was able to defuse a situation aboard an American Airlines flight from Houston to Los Angeles, when a Vietnamese man attempted to open an emergency exit mid-flight. The man told authorities he believed the door was the bathroom door. Three members of the man’s family were behind him telling him to hurry up.

Thousands of bourbon barrels rolled out of a collapsed warehouse at a distillery in Bardstown, Kentucky.  No one was injured, but a courageous plumber is attempting to reach the angry gorilla rolling barrels from atop the warehouse to halt further damage.

Culinary robotics company Creator is opening a restaurant in San Francisco, and will sell hamburgers made by a robot. The burgers take six minutes, and if you don’t like it the robot will spit WD-40 in it.

After a woman in Walgreens Pharmacy was denied a prescription to end her pregnancy that would result in miscarriage, Walgreens defended their policy to allow pharmacists to deny prescriptions for which they have a ‘moral objection’. Walgreens also said they regret hiring Christian Scientist pharmacists who won’t give any medicine to anyone.

Online auction house GottaHaveRockandRoll.com is auctioning a love letter that Madonna sent to model Amanda Cazalet in 1991. Madonna kissed Cazalet in the video for her song ‘Justify My Love’. When asked if the letter was perfumed, the auction house only said it smelled like it had been rubbed on something.

Irish airline Aer Lingus announced a new policy where they’ll refuse to allow visibly intoxicated passengers on board. Shares of Aer Lingus fell 90% as flights out of Dublin are departing empty.

Amazon is now providing two-hour beer, wine & liquor delivery to Prime members in Texas. Members are told to wait on their porch for a delivery drone flying erratically and wearing a cowboy hat.

The FBI states that cases of in-flight sexual assault by airline passengers are up 66% from 2014-2017. Defendants claim there’s no leg room in coach, and they’re being wrongfully accused trying to climb over women in the aisle seat to get to the bathroom.

In India, technicians repairing an out-of-order ATM found a dead rat and $17,500 in shredded currency in its cash drawer. Police arrested two other rats waiting in a nearby battery-operated getaway car.

Lori McAllen, a clerk for the Oregon Department of Transportation, was suspended after allegedly using Facebook to call for illegal immigrants to be shot at the Mexican border. Attempts to reach McAllen for comment were unsuccessful, while she interviews for a senior position at the Department of Homeland Security.

When Facebook users search for opioid prescription drugs on the platform, Facebook is directing them to a government help line. When Facebook users search for marijuana, they’re being offered great deals on vacations to Colorado and Canada.

The New England Journal of Medicine reported the case of a 32-year-old Russian woman who had documented, via selfies, a moving lump on her face that turned out to be a parasitic worm, Dirofilaria repens, living beneath her skin. Doctors removed the worm, who then told her he’s moving in with another woman who wants bigger lips.

Comedian Tom Arnold said that he’s teaming up with former Trump attorney/fixer Michael Cohen to take down President Trump — and to deliver a long-awaited sequel to The Stupids.

The United States, which had been sending 4,000 container loads of recyclable plastic to China each day, now must find a new destination after China banned the import of plastic waste. Americans are being urged to hold on to their Fitbits until a new solution is found.

ABC Networks announced this fall they’ll debut The Conners – featuring the cast of Roseanne, minus Roseanne Barr. To maintain a conservative political voice to replace Barr’s character, the show will add the role of a babysitter for the Conner grandchildren, played by Scott Baio.

 

American Airlines, United Airlines and Frontier Airlines have asked the US government to not use their planes to transport undocumented migrant children who have been separated from their families. “Yeah, look what we did to those dogs” said a United spokesman.

  • Allegiant Air said they’d consider taking the kids, but only if they agreed to fly the plane because so many of their pilots have quit.

AMC Theaters launched AMC Stubs A-List, a $19.95/month subscription service to compete with MoviePass. A-List will allow subscribers to see up to three movie showings at AMC locations per week, provided two of them are ‘Gotti’.

Walmart said that it’s “disturbed” one of its former locations in Texas is being used as a shelter for immigrant children separated from their detained parents. Walmart conceded they’re not accustomed to seeing people in their buildings receiving health care.

President Trump signed an Executive Order ending the separation of children from parents detained for illegal immigration. The President expressed excitement that children can be moved to the same squalid detention centers as their parents.

President Trump cancelled the annual Congressional Picnic this week, saying it didn’t feel right to hold it amidst immigration conflict – and since KFC & McDonald’s don’t offer catering.

Facebook has added “game show” capabilities to Facebook Live streaming. So far viewers’ favorite shows are “Watch Us Sell Your Personal Data”; “How Many Punches Before This Pedestrian Goes Down?”; & “Candid Sex Camera”.

A Philadelphia woman suffered minor injuries when she was struck in the face with a hot dog fired from a cannon by the Phillie Phanatic. She has no plans to sue the team, unlike the employee who contracted mesothelioma from repeatedly firing the cotton-candy cannon.

Intel CEO Brian Krzanich resigned after admitting to a past consensual relationship with an employee.

– First he said they were just friends, then admitted he was Intel Inside
– No statement yet, he’s still processing
– Right now the chips are down, but he plans to take Ctrl, find an Alt assignment, Del this from his memory and reboot his career.

A Missouri father, 71, & his son, 30, are under arrest for beating up a man after an argument about Pokemon Go. The two were charged with assault, but picked up valuable experience points.

An Indiana cheerleading coach was arrested and charged with seducing a male student at a booze-fueled party. Police questioned the boy to see if they were intoxicated, asking “Did she have spirits? How about you?”

 

Scientists discovered a fossilized ancient sea creature and named it Obamus coranatus in honor of President Barack Obama. The tiny disc-shaped animal was a half-inch long, lived on the ocean floor, likely never moved on its own, but still had affordable health insurance.

A man with a face tattoo of a handgun has been charged in South Carolina with illegal possession of a firearm. He was released on bond and ordered to surrender his forehead.

  • “Does your face hurt?” asked the presiding judge, adding “because it’s killing innocent people..”

On E! show ‘Total Bellas’ WWE star Nikki Bella reveals that her one-time fiance John Cena has agreed to undergo a reverse vasectomy with the goal of getting her pregnant. Doctors say the procedure will take longer than usual, since Cena’s sperm need to be woken up after years wearing super-snug wrestling trunks.

President Trump gave a speech to the National Federation of Independent Business, then hugged the American flag as he walked off stage. Barron Trump then wrapped himself in a flag and waited for his dad to get home, but got nothing.

Protesters angry over immigrant children being separated from their families at the U.S. southern border shouted “shame” at Homeland Security Director Kirstjen Nielsen as she dined at a Mexican restaurant in Washington, D.C.  Nielsen then separated herself from her chair and deported herself to the rest room without finishing her chimichangas.

A new NBC News report says that the cost of temporary housing for separated children of detained illegal immigrants is $775 per person per night.  After seeing the story, President Trump had all the kids bused to the nearest Trump Hotel and charged them $750/night.

Ivanka Trump reportedly met with her father to discuss ending the separation of children – so the President sent Air Force One to bring Ivanka’s three kids home from summer camp.

An Arkansas man was arrested after attempting to pay for his restaurant meal with a credit card that was stolen from his waitress two days earlier. The waitress said it killed her to have him arrested because he left a 25% tip.

Amazon is opening up its clothing try-on service, Prime Wardrobe, to all Prime subscribers. The service lets you choose three to eight items to be shipped to your home, with a week to try them on and decide what to keep. Amazon also sends two-sizes-larger items to subscribers if they watch more than 40 hours of Prime Video each week.

Burger King Russia is apologizing for a promotion offering lifelong free Whoppers and $47,000 to women impregnated by World Cup soccer players. The program ended after a female Russian lawmaker complained, and after Russian Burger Kings were overrun with women urinating on pregnancy tests in the dining room.

  • “I’m disappointed the pregnancy promotion is over, it seemed like a good idea” said Russian Maury Povich.

President Trump signed a declaration to create the Space Force — a task force to find space for all of the children being put in cages by his zero-tolerance immigration policy.

Microsoft – who works with ICE and the Border Patrol – urged the Trump Administration to reconsider the zero-tolerance policy and end the separation of families. Apple has yet to comment, but asked border agents if the detained children wanted to kill time learning to assemble iPads.

14% of U.S. adults now smoke cigarettes – an all-time low. While health officials praise the decline, the general population is concerned about how much harder it is to figure out who the cool people are.

An articulated python killed a woman and swallowed her whole in Indonesia. 54-year-old Tiba Wa was checking on her home vegetable garden. The python was also there checking on food, but was not vegetarian.

In other Indonesian news, a North Toraja man died when the coffin of his deceased mother fell on him at her funeral. The man had repeatedly said his mother was suffocating him, but, in fact, he died of head injuries.

The U.S. Golf Association apologized for Fox Sports U.S. Open golf broadcast, when mics picked up two male spectators talking about aggressive sex, with one saying that he “headbutted” and “smacked” his female sex partner. The men said they were whispering, but Tiger Woods asked them to speak up.

Queen Elizabeth’s cousin, Lord Ivar Mountbatten, will become the first member of the Royal Family to be wed in a gay marriage. Asked if the Queen will be in attendance, Lord Mountbatten replied “which one?”

Developer Niantic announced that they’ll soon add Pokémon trading to mobile game Pokémon Go. Though many adults have already been trading Pokémon for healthy relationships.

A woodchuck is being blamed for stealing American flags from veterans’ burial plots at a Massachusetts graveyard. The woodchuck said he’s presenting the flags to widows of veteran woodchucks hit by cars.

Two Akron, Ohio firefighters have been suspended amid accusations that they filmed a pornographic video in a municipal fire station. The film depicts several methods for sliding down a fire pole.

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen denied that the United States has a policy of separating children of illegal immigrants from their parents at the U.S. border. Rather, she said the problem was gathering up all of the 5-and-under Mexican runaways.

Disney issued a warning to moviegoers, saying that certain sequences of flashing lights in Incredibles 2 could trigger seizures. Theaters now ask that the audience silence their cell phones and epileptic family members.

The Veterans Administration is under fire for hiding poor quality ratings of its nursing homes. The ratings scale runs from ‘Acceptable’ to ‘Someone From 60 Minutes Is Asking To Visit.’

Giant hogweed, an invasive plant with sap that can cause burns and blindness, has been found growing in eastern Virginia. Officials say the plant should be destroyed with herbicides or other non-contact methods, unless you really dislike your husband and want to send him out there to rip it out bare-handed.

Apple is updating iPhone software so users’ precise location will be shared in the event they dial 911. They are hoping this will allow law enforcement to more quickly locate the hundreds of female Uber customers each day who take a ride with a creep.

A 23-year-old man has been accused of making fraudulent returns to over 1,000 Walmart locations, by returning computers after removing parts from them. Employees became suspicious because they don’t see many customers who know how to use a computer.

The World Health Organization has officially classified ‘gaming disorder’ as a mental health condition, likening it to substance abuse and gambling addiction. They clarify that ‘gaming disorder’ is not to be confused with the more common affliction where people just suck at video games.

A brain-eating amoeba was found in the drinking water of a town in southern Louisiana. Asked what it was doing there, the mayor joked “starving”.

High winds at a Denver, Colorado park sent portable toilets flying in the air. No one was injured, and officials assured families at the park that the winds were coming from outside the toilets.

Delaware wants to have parents issue consent before their child’s gender identity can be recognized at school. Children were sent home with forms for parents to check ‘male’; ‘female’; ‘fluid’; ‘trans’; and ‘I Don’t Know’.

 

Florida lifeguards treated over 800 beachgoers for jellyfish stings over three days. Because of the large volume, dozens of off-duty lifeguards had to be brought in to urinate on the victims’ wounds.

Experts suggest climate change may be responsible for the deaths of Africa’s ‘boabab’ trees, which can live up to 2,000 years. The boababs — called Trees of Life — will now be called Hospice Trees.

A 10-year-old girl from Scranton, Pennsylvania who made a viral video about being bullied was invited by the New York Yankees to Yankee Stadium for a home game. There, she was able to spend three hours hearing grown men yell at baseball players about how much they suck.

Comcast bid $65 billion to acquire most of the assets of 20th Century Fox:

  • Urging them to act soon before time runs out on this great deal.
  • Fox turned down the initial bid, so Comcast offered to throw in 6 months of Starz.
  • Comcast said $65 billion was the opening bid, but that the rate would go up in a couple of months.

Wednesday marks the first day of legal sports betting in New Jersey. The NJ state government is looking for qualified concrete workers and boat operators to deal with bettors who can’t pay up.

Nintendo of America presented its future games and business plans at the Electronic Entertainment Expo. The biggest surprise was an announcement from Princess Peach that Bowser has been terminated from all future games for his repeated history of inappropriate conduct toward women.

Former Trump adviser and “fixer” Michael Cohen has parted ways with his legal team. A source said that the separation was the result of a fee dispute – specifically, the porn stars that Cohen offered for payment were too old.

Moviepass now has over three million subscribers, most of whom were still too busy to see ‘Solo’.

Las Vegas McCarran International Airport experienced two power outages. Several travelers suffered broken arms beating on slot machines when they stopped spinning.

California is exploring splitting into three separate states: Northern California; Southern California; and New California. It’s still a long way from reality, as it would need to be ratified by voters and approved by Congress, the Bloods and the Crips.

CHI St. Luke’s Medical Center in Houston temporarily closed its heart-transplant center following several doctors’ departures, and an unusual number of patient deaths in recent years. The outgoing Chief of Staff for the heart-transplant center said he hopes to get his old job back at Jiffy Lube.

Jeep Grand Cherokee and Ford Explorer received ‘Poor’ ratings in crash tests from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, according to injury data retrieved from crash test dummies. Execs for Jeep and Ford questioned why dummies are allowed to drive cars to begin with.

Researchers in Hawaii and California claim to have found interstellar dust that formed the Earth and the solar system billions of years ago — on treadmills at their houses.

All Texas locations of In-N-Out Burger were closed for two days because hamburger buns did not meet the chain’s quality standards, but employees were still paid for delivering the buns to IHOb.

U.S. student loan debt just hit $1.5 trillion for the first time. Women hold nearly two-thirds of the debt, thrilling the banks holding the debt because there’s 20% less income to pay it down.

People of Chinese heritage criticized Ivanka Trump for using a made-up ‘Chinese proverb’ — “those who say it can not be done, should not interrupt those doing it” in a tweet to describe her father’s work on the North Korea summit. Ivanka is reportedly angry and promising to go pee-pee in her critics’ Coke.

A raccoon has captured national attention as it scaled the outside of St. Paul, Minnesota’s UBS Tower. The raccoon reached the roof of the building earlier today, and is pretty goddamned disappointed with the trash cans up there.

A man upset that his wife salted the movie-theater popcorn she bought angrily stormed out without seeing the movie after calling his wife ‘unfaithful’ and declaring their marriage over. Theater employees said that it was, by far, the most effort anyone had ever put into avoiding watching a chick flick.

MIT’s Computer Science & Artificial Intelligence Laboratory created a system that allows you to see bodies through walls. It’s expected to be in high demand from people who want to shoot their spouse “by accident”.

Tropical Storm Bud is expected to hit Mexico with heavy rainfall. When told that Bud was coming to Mexico, Mexicans said they already had enough shitty beer there.

Twitter’s emoji for the U.S./North Korea #Singaporesummit depicts a high-five between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. They were asked to redo it several times to make Trump’s hands the same size as Un’s.

Uber’s Chief Brand Officer Bozoma Saint John is leaving to become Chief Marketing Officer for Endeavor, an entertainment agency conglomerate. She’s excited to leave the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by underpaid cab drivers for the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by overpaid Hollywood agents.

Snapchat announced that you’ll soon be able to Unsend messages, so that a few less people will have seen your breasts and penises.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner filed details of their personal wealth and investment holdings with the Office of Government Ethics. They each would have done so sooner, but neither could believe the Office of Government Ethics still exists.

President Trump is now en route back to the U.S. following the Singapore summit with Kim Jong Un. He considered the trip a success, obtaining denuclearization concessions, along with that pin from the Singapore Hard Rock Cafe that he wanted.

Erin and Leah Finan, a married Indiana couple, were each sentenced to over five years in federal prison for scamming Amazon out of over $1 million in electronics, and for writing reviews of the merchandise they stole that nobody found helpful.

  • Sentencing guidelines called for ten years, but Amazon’s lawyers requested leniency since they were both Prime members.

Facebook followed up on Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional testimony with 454 pages of answers to over 2,000 questions that Zuckerberg couldn’t answer in person, then Zuckerberg snoozed Congress for 30 days.

A 9-year-old girl is being sent to a rehab facility for addiction to Fortnite. Her parents say she wet herself and sat in her own urine instead of pausing the game on Xbox. While at rehab, she’ll learn about the mobile version of the game that she can play on the toilet.

Domino’s Pizza announced on Monday that it’s paying to fill potholes in towns across the United States; and, in the process, making good use of its surplus pizza dough.

A 69-year-old man allegedly defecated on another person during a road rage incident in Pennsylvania. The perpetrator was charged with harassment; the victim was not charged, but was named the Worst Ever At Road Rage by police.

Amazon is under fire for what a watchdog group called “deplorable conditions” at a China factory that makes Amazon Echo smart speakers. It’s so bad, that when workers ask Alexa what time it is, she says “time to shut up and get back to work.”

Three people reportedly broke into Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’ Beverly Hills home. Police say nothing was stolen, but the burglars each received emails that the items they wanted had shipped.

Before introducing Bruce Springsteen at Sunday’s Tony Awards, Robert De Niro told the audience “F*ck Trump”. Watching at home, Melania Trump told her assistant “this is why I didn’t go to Singapore.”

ABC’s attempts to reboot ‘Roseanne’ without Roseanne Barr have apparently stalled, because Barr owns the rights to some characters on the show. Casting executives are now looking for unfunny overweight dopes who can’t act and appeal to racists; Larry the Cable Guy is on his way to Los Angeles.

President Trump arrived in Singapore a day early for his planned summit with Kim Jong Un. Un is staying at the St Regis Singapore, Trump’s base of operations is still being finalized using the ‘Find A Location’ function at McDonalds.com.

KFC is reportedly testing “chicken-like vegetarian options” at its United Kingdom locations. KFC said this isn’t the first time they’ve offered non-chicken options, citing the rodents they serve in the U.S.

Kylie Jenner deleted all social media photos of her infant daughter Stormi, as Stormi’s infant lawyer seeks compensation from her mother in addition to feedings.

Net Neutrality officially ends today, June 11th. Your estimated hold time to speak with  Comcast/Xfinity customer service about your slow broadband connection is incalculable.

Porsche’s first all-electric car will go on sale for $80,000-90,000 and will be called the Taycan, German slang for ‘you can’t afford it’.

An American Society for Microbiology study showed that kitchen towels contain high levels of bacteria that cause food poisoning. Experts recommend washing towels in hot water for at least 20 minutes before eating them.

 

The Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup, defeating the Vegas Golden Knights four games to one. Capitals’ captain Alex Ovechkin was named the Most Valuable Player in the playoffs, and accepted a congratulatory phone call from the President — Vladimir Putin.

Dine Brand Global – which also owns Applebee’s and Denny’s – is being warned by brand experts against changing the name of IHOP to IHOB. Executives aren’t worried, saying they want customers to know they can get more than just pancakes, they can also get botulism.

President Trump said that he wants to speak with NFL players who kneel during the anthem so they can recommend people for pardons because they’ve been treated unfairly by the justice system. Trump then asked aides how you pardon unarmed black citizens shot dead by cops.

MIT scientists created an artificial intelligence “psychopath” named Norman, that they programmed using captions about graphic images of death posted by humans on Reddit. The scientists may shut Norman down after he registered to vote and spent hundreds of dollars online buying Make America Great Again apparel.

Consulting firm Deloitte reports that the legalization of recreational marijuana in Canada would create a $4 billion dollar industry – but would also risk making everyone a slower skater.

Kendall Jenner posted a topless photo of herself on Instagram, with ice cream emojis covering her nipples. For everyone wondering how big?.. just one scoop.

The Federal Reserve reported that Americans household net worth exceeded $100 trillion for the first time ever – a result of rising home values, a robust stock market, and The Man screwing everyone over.

Alice Marie Johnson, the woman whose life sentence President Trump commuted this week following his meeting with Kim Kardashian, promised Trump “I will make you proud”. She then kicked all the black family members out of her house while standing for the National Anthem.

Facebook admits that 14 million users “friends only” posts were made public because of a software bug. “I wondered where all those Likes were coming from!” said losers with only a couple dozen friends.

BuzzFeed is laying off 20 people – shocking everyone who didn’t know BuzzFeed actually paid anyone.

Measurement company Zenith said that in 2019, people around the world will spend more time online than they do watching TV, that is unless broadcast networks finally wise up and start showing porn.

 

MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ co-host Mika Brzezinski said that President Trump is reportedly ‘upset’ that he can’t watch porn in the White House. The Secret Service disputes the report, saying the problem is that they can’t find a VCR.

U.S. personnel in China have been sent home for health screenings out of fear over ‘sonic attacks’ – changes in noise that could cause minor brain injuries, similar to the effects of attending a Taylor Swift concert.

Debra Perelman has been named the first female CEO of Revlon. It’s being called the most expensive makeover in the company’s 66-year history.

Airlines are raising ticket prices, citing a 50% increase in the cost of jet fuel, and a 1000% increase in the cost of dog funerals.

Rebecca Bunting, an urban exploration photographer, died last weekend after she was swept away by flash floods while taking pictures inside a Philadelphia storm drain. Efforts to save her were unsuccessful, since she was too heavy to be pulled from the moving water by the rats in the drain with her.

Khloe Kardashian posted on her official app about difficulties breast feeding new daughter True, saying how hard it was helping True find her nanny’s breasts in the middle of the night.

The Unicode Emoji Subcommittee added red-haired and bald emojis this week, panicking blonde female smartphone users who thought something had gone horribly wrong.

Ski racer Lindsey Vonn and the NHL’s Nashville Predators defenseman P.K. Subban are dating. Vonn hooked Subban;  Subban confirmed several five-minute stints in the box for a high stick.

NASA will hold a discussion revealing the findings from its Mars Curiosity Rover – which has roamed Mars’ surface since 2012 – on June 7th. Expect them to mention it takes Curiosity forever to find a rest stop.

Comcast Business phone customers experienced a massive outage yesterday. Comcast said that the outage was fixed, and was happy to offer its business customers the same great experience of residential customers.

ICE agents arrested an illegal immigrant delivering pizza in Upstate NY. The man was held for possible deportation; the pizza was free.

 

Gabby DiMarco, a woman attending a San Diego Padres game, caught a foul ball in her beer cup, then chugged the beer to free the ball. She took the next day off from work to look at the hundreds of marriage proposals she received on social media.

A romance novel cover model dubbed the “Beefcake Bandit” has been sentenced to serve seven years in prison for a string of robberies. He’s expected to spend a lot of time fighting off other beefcake bandits.

An Oklahoma man playing golf alone who asked to play through a foursome was denied by the men, then beaten on the head with a putter by one of them. His assailant was charged with battery, and two penalty strokes for moving the victim before hitting him.

Education Secretary Betsy Devos said that the White House’s school safety commission – formed in the aftermath of the Parkland, Florida school shooting  – will not look at the role of guns in school violence. Instead, the commission will look at ways bullying victims can learn to box or hire bodyguards bigger than their bullies.

A pastor in Ethiopia giving water baptisms in a lake to members of his Protestant church was attacked by a crocodile. The pastor died and the crocodile said grace before eating him.

Amanda Richardson, a high school teacher in Philadelphia, was fired for taking bribes in exchange for giving students better grades. She tried offering sex, but the students decided they’d rather spend the money.

IHOP — originally International House of Pancakes – announced that it’s changing its name to IHOB, and will announce the meaning of the B on June 11th. Most people are guessing ‘breakfast’, while execs say the restaurants will still welcome drunken brawls at 2a.m.

Two men attending President Trump’s patriotic music & flag ceremony – scheduled after he cancelled a visit from the Philadelphia Eagles – took a knee during the playing of the national anthem. One man yelled at Trump after the song finished and was booed, the other got no help finding his contact lens.

Former employees of Toys R Us are protesting because the company did not pay them severance when their stores were shut down in bankruptcy proceedings. The employees said they were supposed to get six months severance, but they didn’t get that, or even one toy that they picked out for being good.

Deb Haaland won the Democratic nomination for New Mexico’s 1st Congressional District, putting her on track to become the first Native American woman to serve in Congress. President Trump has ordered staff to research insults, since Pocahontas is taken.

 

Serena Williams pulled out of the French Open, citing issues with her pectoral muscle. On the advice of her doctor, her child will stop breast feeding with utensils.

Former UFC women’s champion Miesha Tate delivered a new baby girl, Amalia. She was held in submission for nine months, but finally tapped out of the birth canal after 67 hours of labor. Neither Miesha or Amalia have discussed a rematch.

An FBI agent dropped his gun while doing a backflip at a Denver-area bar; the gun discharged and hit a bar patron in the lower leg. The agent expressed his regret that he couldn’t get a shot for everyone.

Appearing on the Today show, President Bill Clinton said that he doesn’t feel that he owes Monica Lewinsky an apology, although he did offer to pay a dry cleaning bill.

Kim Jong Un replaced all three of North Korea’s top military officials prior to his summit meeting with U.S. President Trump in Singapore on June 12th, after finding all of their resumes on the office printer along with cover letters sent to General James Mattis.

In suburban Philadelphia, a student was stabbed at Upper Darby High School. Or, as they call it in suburban Philadelphia, “vocational training.”

Apple kicked off its Worldwide Developers Conference by announcing iOS12. It launches this fall, provided you’ve already started downloading it.

Howard Schulz is retiring at Chairman of the Board at Starbucks. He’s rumored to be running for President, once he figures out if visitors can use the White House bathrooms without buying a tour first.

Gretchen Carlson, former Miss America and current Chair of the Miss America organization, announced that the competition is no longer a pageant, and that there will be no swimsuit competition going forward. Entrants, however, can still wear push-up bras and tape their boobs together for the new calculus bee if they feel like it.

The Bonnaroo music festival announced that it will wash and swap attendees clothes for free. Visitors to the LaundROO Lounge can swap out and wear clean vintage clothes while theirs are washed in a machine from LG, sponsor of the lounge. Or if they’d rather get their own clean clothes back, they can wait in a patchouli bath and eat Tide pods.

 

Samsonite’s CEO Tamesh Rainwala resigned after it was discovered that he falsified his academic background. The Board of Directors called it an open and shut case.

Facebook is shutting down its Trending Topics feature, after backlash that it suppressed stories favorable to conservative views. In its place, Facebook will display a ticker showing how much money they’re making by selling your personal data.

Johnny Depp’s fans are reportedly worried that he’s sick, after seeing recent photos of him looking thin and gaunt. Depp said not to worry, he’s losing weight for a role in the new film Somali Pirates Of The Caribbean.

A New York man is suing CVS for ‘ruining his marriage’ by discussing his Viagra prescription with his wife. The man argued that his wife didn’t know he was paying for Viagra out-of-pocket, and using it out-of-wedlock.

Microsoft is acquiring open source coding platform GitHub for $7.5 billion. Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said the acquisition is part of a strategic shift from proprietary, to open source, software to crash computers.

The suspect in four Phoenix-area murders killed himself as SWAT officers stormed his room at an Extended Stay America hotel. “You clean it up” said housekeeping to Phoenix CSIs.

President Trump claimed that he has the right to pardon himself if charged with a crime, or if he farts, both of which he says never happen.

A 36-year-old woman is saying that a 47-year-old woman, recently called The World’s Hottest Grandmother, should give up the title. Meanwhile, nobody is asking about the 36-year-old’s 15-year-old daughter and new mom.

Embattled EPA head Scott Pruitt allegedly told an assistant to do his personal errands, including buying him a used mattress from a Trump International Hotel. When the assistant asked which mattress, Pruitt said “the one stuffed with bribes.”

Melania Trump has not been seen in three weeks. And if you think you’re worried, Barron Trump is three weeks behind on his homework.

 

First Lady Melania Trump’s parents, Amalija and Viktor Knavs of Slovenia, became U.S. citizens this week. They recognized the milestone with an original speech that they co-wrote with their daughter, which they called the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’.

President Trump again criticized NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem during preseason games, leading Commissioner Roger Goodell to launch an investigation to find out how Fox News aired NFL preseason football games.

According to a survey from Match.com, New York had the highest 2016 average cost of a date – two restaurant dinners, a bottle of wine and two movie tickets – at $297. The measure doesn’t include the cost of pepper spray and a getaway Uber for dates who choose not to have sex after someone spent almost three hundred bucks.

HGTV won the bidding and purchased The Brady Bunch House in California. They plan to feature the home in a new remodeling show, where three men and three women restore the interior while forming a really crappy band.

A new University of Michigan study of online dating behavior looked at tens of thousands of messages in four U.S. cities: Chicago, Seattle, New York & Boston; and found that Asian women and older white men received the most messages. Although it turned out the study authors found that the older men were repeatedly messaging Asian women, who repeatedly messaged back to leave them alone.

According to Nielsen ratings, Nickelodeon’s ‘Henry Danger’ is the #1 rated show on cable tv among teens aged 12-17, except in households where parental controls have been cracked, where the top show is Anything With Nudity.

In Conestoga, PA, a septic truck driver lost control and flipped his truck in to a homeowner’s backyard pool. Asked to describe the smell of diesel fuel, oil and human waste, the fire chief told reporters “use your imagination…..or, just visit Wildwood Beach, New Jersey.”

Buffalo Wild Wings is considering allowing sports wagering in its 1,200 restaurants, saying they think customers will want to gamble on games — and lose — the same way they gamble — and lose — on ‘B-Dubs’ overpriced wings.

The world’s oldest hotel, Nishiyama Onsen Keiunkan, a resort near Mt. Fuji, has been managed by the same family for 52 generations and been open since 705 A.D. The new issue of Travel & Leisure magazine recognized them for having ‘the world’s oldest, most disgusting duvet covers’.

Facebook is shutting down ‘Friend List Feeds’, the customized feeds that showed only posts from select people. Facebook will be replacing it with ‘New Russian Friends Whether You Like It Or Not’.