Married math & science teachers are both accused of inappropriate sexual contact with an underage high school student. They did, however, pique his interest in STEM education.

A Colorado Avalanche fan was banned for the season after scattering a small amount of his deceased friends ashes on the ice. Avalanche officials said the only foreign objects allowed on the ice are pucks, blood, teeth, and, of course, hats if someone scores three goals.

Viral video shows a British Columbia woman rescuing her pet goose from an eagle attack, while breastfeeding her infant child. She rebuffed advances from the eagle, who said that he was still hungry also.

An alligator dragged and killed a person in a pond near the Myrtle Beach, SC Golf & Yacht Club. Officials say the alligator was euthanized, and earlier this year had been kicked out of the club.

A Burger King employee went viral for showing off the measly gifts – including a movie ticket, mug & Life Savers – given to him for his 27-year anniversary spitting in hamburgers at the same restaurant.

Disney/Pixar’s ‘Lightyear’ underperformed at the box office, with speculation that some viewers avoided it because of a gay female character. Exit polls said if people wanted to see animated lesbians, they can go to a WNBA game.

A recent airline survey named Kansas City, MO the best city for a ‘working vacation’ – defined by the survey’s authors as “a sh!tty vacation”.

A bullfighting arena in Colombia collapsed, leading to immediate regret by everyone who wore a red shirt to the bullfights.

Costco recalled a solar lighting patio umbrella because it could overheat and create a fire hazard. Customer are advised to return it, or to only use it indoors.

A South Carolina man won $100,000 using a $25-a-week spending strategy he saw on the TLC show ‘Lottery Changed My Life’. Hundreds of thousands of other viewers are out twenty-five bucks.

A bullet struck a Comcast headquarters building in downtown Philadelphia, shattering a window. Police narrowed the suspect list to about 30 million Comcast customers.

Caesars Palace will not be hosting Adele’s residency in 2022. A spokesperson for the venue said “dude, you’re not gettin’ Adele”.

The Duffer Brothers, creators of Stranger Things, warn that Season 4 “will not have a happy ending.” This, despite Hawkins Massage parlor opening in the Upside Down.

Ugandan Mariem Nabatanzi holds the record for most children, having given birth to 44 kids by the time she turned 40. She is currently single, and also holds the record for the world’s most effective Tinder profile.

A Texas school district banned skirts & dresses for girls after fifth grade, saying it promotes professionalism. Shorts are still acceptable, so students can prepare for their professoinal careers at Hooters.

Roe v Wade was officially overturned. Planned Parenthood used the occasion to announce its new Travel department.

A University of Georgia study finds 75% of teens aren’t getting enough exercise, but they’ll give it a try after they watch enough Tik Tok videos to get the hang of it.

Actress Denise Richards joined Only Fans one week after her 18-year-old daughter Sami Sheen did. They can be found in the new Family section.

DALL-E 2, the world’s most advanced artificial intelligence, made its magazine cover debut on the front of Cosmopolitan. Boyfriends looking at it think the artificial intelligence needs bigger artificial breasts.

LA Guns guitarist Tracii Guns played his band’s entire set in Plano Texas from an air conditioned bathroom stall behind the stage, because high heat triggers his panic disorder. Critics said LA Guns live show is now in the toilet like the rest of their career.

Amazon Alexa smart speakers will soon be able to read stories in the voice of your deceased grandmother. All you need to do is buy an Alexa-equipped speaker, pick a story, and record a short audio clip of your grandmother before you kill her.

Amazon introduced Proteus, its first fully autonomous warehouse robot. It can pick & pack inventory, tell you why unions are a bad idea, and promote better-looking coworkers instead of you.

The Supreme Court struck down a New York State law restricting concealed carry of firearms. Owners of AR-15 assault rifles look forward to concealed carry, once they find really baggy pants to wear to their school or church shooting.

Kendall Jenner and Devin Booker, NBA All-Star for the Phoenix Suns, broke up. Jenner and sister Khloe Kardashian will host a combine-style gathering of NBA players to decide who they’ll bang next.

A mentally ill woman attempted to run her mother over with a car, but missed and drove it into the front of an Old Navy store. The driver was arrested and both came up empty-handed for Fathers Day gifts.

Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis debuted to negative reviews. AMC, Regal, and other theater chains announce that next Friday, Elvis has left the building.

91-year-old media billionaire Rupert Murdoch and model/actress wife Jerry Hall, 65, are divorcing. Melania Trump express-mailed Murdoch her resume and portfolio.

The Economist Intelligence Unit released its 2022 global list of the ‘Most Liveable Cities’. Vienna, Austria topped the list, followed by Copenhagen and Zurich. For the 10th straight year, the Most Unliveable City was a tie between “Everywhere in Mississippi”.

Artistic swimmer Anita Alavarez was rescued after she passed out and sunk to the bottom of the pool following her performance at the FINA World Aquatic Championships. She’ll compete again Friday, but this time she’ll wait a half-hour after eating lunch.

A man in England returned a book to his local library 76 years overdue, which had been borrowed by his dead mother. The library waived the $4,600 in accrued fines, but denied the man’s request to renew it.

A new study reveals when concert tickets are cheapest to purchase. Findings state they’re 33% cheaper on the day of the show, or even cheaper if it’s a Color Me Badd concert.

New safe sleep guidelines for babies were announced by the American Academy of Pediatrics, including a flat bed free of decorations, no soft objects and no co-sleeping. The findings were immediately challenged by teddy bears and babies seeking other babies for one-night stands.

A Williamsport, Pennsylvania high school principal was charged with 30 counts of sexual misconduct with a student at his school. Suspicions grew when he had the student’s name stenciled beneath his own on his office door.

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is changing its name to reflect how customers refer to it. Going forward it’ll be known as Kraft Dinner for Broke-Ass Students & Toddlers.

Barack & Michelle Obama signed a deal for audio books and content with Amazon’s Audible. Donald Trump is expected to sign a similar deal with Fox’s Unintelligible.

A New York City woman used instructions in her GrubHub order to say she was being held hostage in an apartment. The food was delivered by cops, who arrested her captor. The woman was relieved to be saved, but upset that the order was wrong.

Uber & Lyft drivers filed a lawsuit accusing the rideshare companies of price fixing. Uber & Lyft intend to mount a vigorous defense, and also tell drivers if they don’t like the money, they can go get real jobs.

Traces of polio virus were found in London’s sewage system. Health officials quickly declared it one of the 20 worst things in Londoners digestive tracts.

The Food & Drug Administration is set to ban Juul e*cigarettes in the U.S. Dirtbag parents planning to give them as 18th Birthday presents are scrambling to find the money to buy an AR-15 instead.

Kate Bush continues to marvel at Netflix’s Stranger Things boosting sales of her 1985 hit Running Up That Hill. Now 63, she plans to record a follow-up single, Asking For A Ride Up That Hill.

Firefighters are battling the huge Wharton State Forest wildfire in New Jersey. They’re trying to stop it before it gets to Jersey Shore towns and turns into a grease fire.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee is only playing several songs each night on their current tour due to suffering broken ribs. Lee broke ribs bending over to tie his shoes while sporting an erection.

Texas Republicans adopted language in their official party platform calling homosexuality an “abnormal lifestyle choice”. Texas Democrats are expected to adopt similar ‘abnormal lifestyle choice’ language in their platform regarding anyone who likes, or votes for, Ted Cruz.

Workers at Philadelphia beer distributors went on strike. The interruption in shipments of cheap beers from Bud, Miller & Coors are expected to mess up party plans for area students graduating from kindergarten.

Freshpet recalled dog food over a possible salmonella risk. Dogs who already ate it recalled the food from their stomachs to the family room carpet.

A 660-pound stingray in Camobodia, broke the world record for largest freshwater fish ever caught. It was measured and released..then caught again and eaten.

Oreo is introducing Neapolitan Oreos – challenging kids to figure out how to eat the chocolate filling while leaving the vanilla & strawberry behind.

Elon Musk’s 18-year-old child told a court she no longer wants to be related to him, but is in no rush to be emancipated from his bank accounts.

The UK’s biggest railroad strike in 30 years has brought the territory to a standstill. It’s so bad, Thomas The Tank Engine told children to piss off and find someone else to entertain them.

Fans mocked Justin Timberlake for his ‘dad’ clothes and weak dance moves during an unannounced appearance at a Washington DC music festival. Timberlake attempted a popular area dance, ‘Beat Ya Feet’, but settled for the Macarena.

NASA’s Mars Rover found a shiny piece of foil on a rock. It also found an extraterrestrial lying on the ground holding its stomach, then discovered the foil had ‘KFC’ printed on it.

A new study discovered that when cats chew and rub against catnip, it protects them against mosquitoes. Indoor cats still like it just to get wasted.

Vladimir Putin claimed that a cyberattack delayed his planned speech to the St. Petersburg Economic Forum. However, the tech support guy on site claimed Putin kept pressing the wrong function key for the projector.

The Stadium Tour kicked off at Atlanta’s Truist Park, featuring performances from Classless Act, Joan Jett, Poison, Def Leppard, Motley Crue, and the defibrillator used to keep Motley’s Mick Mars and Vince Neil moving.

The state of Hawai’i’ tweeted that there are currently no girls detained in the Hawai’i Youth Correctional Facility. The facility’s annual Hula Contest promises to be an interesting one.

After closing due to the ongoing pandemic, Hong Kong’s iconic Jumbo Floating Restaurant was towed away. To save money, they used octopuses repurposed from the kitchen.

WWE CEO Vince McMahon stepped down after it was revealed he paid $3 million in hush money to a female employee with whom he naked tag-teamed.

USA Today determined a reporter fabricated quotes for 23 different stories, forcing their removal from the green, purple & red sections.

20 juveniles attempted to seize control of a youth correctional facility in Louisiana, but their plan unraveled when they argued about whose Tik Tok they would post the video to.

Jackass star Johnny Knoxville filed for divorce from his wife, Naomi. He’s asking for joint custody of their two children, who will be delivered to him every other weekend by being shot out of a cannon.

Camden, New Jersey started a summer program encouraging food trucks to operate in the city, providing opportunities for locals who have never carjacked a food truck.

Britney Spears fired her security team after her first husband Jason Alexander crashed her wedding venue without permission. They all applied for jobs with her second husband Kevin Federline, but he told them he’s out of work too.

A man impersonating Golden State Warriors forward Klay Thompson made it past security and stayed on the team’s court for ten minutes before leaving. He managed to convince everyone he was Thompson by not practicing defensive drills.

Georgia GOP Senate candidate and former NFL star Herschel Walker, who publicly criticizes black absentee fathers, admitted he has a child he never sees. Donald Trump, who endorsed Walker, said he’s glad Herschel has his own Tiffany.

Jackass‘ alum Bam Margera reportedly fled his court-appointed rehab because he wasn’t getting celebrity treatment as he had in other rehab stints. And by ‘celebrity treatment’ he meant ‘cocaine’.

Dog the Bounty Hunter’s daughter Lyssa Chapman married partner Leiana Evensen. Said the officiant, “I now pronounce you bitch and bitch….you may now sniff each other’s butts”.

A Montgomery County, PA man was arrested for selling THC-laced snacks like Rice Krispies treats and Oreo brownies on a playground. Police were tipped off by middle school customers angry that they had to wait in line behind their parents.

Kim Kardashian joked with Pete Davidson, telling him the video technician she’s worked with for 14 years “has probably seen my vagina” — forgetting that across all websites, her vagina has had roughly 100 million unique visitors.

The Federal Reserve raised its prime interest rate 0.75% in an effort to curb rampant inflation. The move puts a real squeeze on millennials and Gen Z, potentially increasing student loan payments they have no intention of making anyway.

Amazon announced their annual Prime Day sale will be held July 12th & 13th, with Prime member purchases arriving via free, expedited two-day shipping on July 30th & 31st.

Tesla may be sued because of allegations its Autopilot feature deactivates moments before a collision, so as to shift blame to the driver. Tesla plans to dispute this, claiming the car is shifting from Autopilot to Jesus Take The Wheel mode.

A lawsuit claims a 4-year-old boy in Houston was given a vasectomy during hernia surgery. The boy’s family seeks $1 million in damages, and a reversal of the vasectomy so he can start a family with the kindergarten teacher he has a crush on.

A muckraking political action committee alleges GOP Representative Lauren Boebert was employed as a paid sex worker and had two abortions. It also says she’s so dumb, she had both abortions done on the same visit.

14 children were injured when a bounce house went airborne and landed on an empty tennis court. First responders are thankful it landed on the tennis court, because if it landed on the pickleball court it could have killed four 80-year-olds.

Lizzo changed the lyrics to her new song Grrrls to remove the word ‘spaz’ which is considered offensive. She promised to be more thoughtful and stick to ‘bitch’ and the N-word.

Newlywed Britney Spears and her husband moved into a new house in a gated community where ex-husband Kevin Federline lives with the two boys he fathered with Britney. She says it’s not about visiting her boys, it’s so she can send child support payments with one of those drive-up teller vacuum tube things.

Charlie Sheen is displeased that his daughter Sami is now on Only Fans. He claims ex-wife Denise Richards enabled it, but it makes sense that Richards gave their daughter a video camera, green screen, and sex toys for her 18th birthday.

A dog set a Missouri home on fire when it turned on a burner of a kitchen stove. The dog was rescued and treated his family to KFC because he burned dinner.

Microsoft ends support for its Internet Explorer browser after 26 years. Loyal users are bombarding customer support websites to ensure they can save the Mapquest directions to their grandkids house.

Amber Heard told Today host Savannah Guthrie she still has love for Johnny Depp, adding they’ve been through a lot of shit together.

In Philadelphia, a food delivery driver shot a Chick-fil-A employee in the leg because he believed a milkshake was missing from his order. As news of the shooting spread, other food delivery drivers in Philadelphia reported getting bigger tips.

Movie theaters in the Middle East banned Disney/Pixar’s Lightyear because of a same-sex kiss. The Middle East is still reeling from that time Bugs Bunny dressed up like a sexy lady and kissed Elmer Fudd.

Instagram will now allow parents to send invitations to teen users so that parents can have additional supervisory controls. So far parents are 0-for-19 million getting their invitations accepted.

Yahoo! appointed Jessica Alba to its Board Of Directors, with incumbent women directors voting ‘No’ and male directors voting ‘Yahoo’!.

American Express will issue its first ‘Crypto Rewards Card’, where members can earn purchase rewards in their choice of cryptocurrency, which they’ll then have the flexibility to spend pretty much nowhere.

The vintage Harley Davidson motorcycle ridden by Johnny Depp in the John Waters movie ‘Cry Baby‘ is up for auction, with a starting bid of $250,000. Which seems high, but is still less than what some creep paid for the bedsheets Amber Heard ruined.

AEW wrestler Jeff Hardy was arrested for his 3rd DUI in Florida. Hardy was taken into custody after the cop slapped the pavement three times and rang a bell.

Japan enacted a law making ‘online insults’ punishable by up to year in prison. So now the Internet in Japan is pretty much just weird porn and cat videos.

Cryptocurrency exchange Coinbase is laying off 18% of its workforce. Asked how many of them wanted their severance paid in cryptocurrency, a spokesperson said “none”.

All entrances to Yellowstone National Park were closed amidst heavy flooding, disappointing tourists who’d hoped to get photos of bears surfing.

A surge in COVID cases in Beijing has been traced to the Heaven Supermarket bar, a 24-hour bar known for cheap drinks and huge crowds. Chinese officials announced Heaven is in lockdown.

The average U.S. price for a gallon of gasoline topped $5.00 for the first time. It’s so expensive, drivers attending Dead & Company shows have eliminated ‘ass’ & ‘grass’ as payment options for those wishing to ride along.

Donald Trump’s former campaign manager Bill Stepien cancelled his testimony before the January 6th Committee hearings because of a “family emergency” – reportedly, his wife going into labor because, reportedly, Trump induced labor with a million dollars.

Shameka Morris, a young mom in Florida, is being criticized online for covering her one-year-old son’s entire body in temporary tattoos. The toddler is also being criticized for not wearing a shirt at day care while starting a Big Wheel gang there.

A fisherman gutted a large catfish he’d caught in the Ohio River and discovered the fish had swallowed a dildo. Days later, fishermen standing waist-deep in the Ohio River are wondering what ever happened to their favorite catfish.

19-year-old Katie Feeney is the NFL Washington Commanders first-ever social media coordinator. She plans future posts where former Commanders cheerleaders give her tips on dealing with inevitable sexual harassment.

Britney Spears said she danced in a “diamond thong” during her wedding reception. A gemologist inspecting the diamonds downgraded them from ‘flawless’ to ‘kinda gross’.

Christina Aguilera performed at the LA Pride celebration wearing a sparking green strap on dildo. Asked where she got it, she said there were bunch of them in the Lost & Found after the Pride Parade.

Broadway’s Tony Awards were handed out Sunday night, honoring the creative pioneers who turn cartoons, movies and older Broadway plays into recycled spectacles seen by a fraction of one percent of the population.

Rapper The Game said he was hurt that Dr Dre didn’t ask him to join last year’s Super Bowl Halftime show with Eminem, Snoop & Mary J Blige. Dre deflected, saying he didn’t ask because he’s The Game, not The Halftime.

Two workers were rescued after falling into a chocolate vat at a Mars Wrigley candy factory in Pennyslvania. They were treated at a local hospital, and other employees were treated to a song about what they did wrong by little people coworkers.

Co-writer of 90s hit Ice Ice Baby, Mario ‘Chocolate’ Johnson, alleges performer Vanilla Ice didn’t write a word of it. For his part, an angry Ice accused Mario of acting like a chocolate johnson.

GEICO was ordered to pay $5.2 million to a woman who contracted HPV while having sex with a man in his GEICO-insured car. High school girls planning to go all the way in their boyfriend’s cars are now asking them for insurance information.

Jay Z & Twitter founder Jack Dorsey started a ‘Bitcoin Academy’ in a Brooklyn housing project. This replaces the ‘Career Academy’ run by local pimps.

Fleetwood Mac’s Christine McVie said that champagne and cocaine made her perform better, but she needed to stay alert before shows to make sure she got some before Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham snorted and chugged it all.

Lebron James said he wants to own an NBA franchise in Las Vegas, once he finds several co-owners to blame when the team doesn’t win.

Donald Trump is said to have agreed with January 6th rioters who wanted to hang Mike Pence. Pence was temporarily excited because he thought Trump agreed that Pence was hung.

AT&T is reportedly working on delivering 20 gigabit-per-second Internet access to homes next year. Xfinity said their focus remains on convincing customers they’re getting gigabit Internet speed when it’s really about half that.

Britney Spears’ first husband Jason Alexander attempted to crash her Thursday wedding ceremony. He was arrested and will remain jailed for longer than the 55 hours he was married to Britney.

A British man broke a world record by deadlifting 285.49 pounds with a single finger. He was later rushed to a hospital with severe bleeding after picking his nose.

A man with a gun was arrested near the home of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. He planned to kill Kavanaugh and not a different conservative Justice because he was pretty sure there would be good beer there to celebrate afterward.

The Amarillo, Texas Zoo is shared a photo taken on May 21st of a strange, wolflike creature, and asked for the public’s help to identify it. Thousands of similar tips have poured in, but Ted Cruz wasn’t in town that day.

Thailand decriminalized marijuana, but still considers smoking it in public a nuisance law violation. In other news, the entirety of Thailand is sold out of brownie mix.

Apple introduced a new ‘Medication Tracking Feature’ to remind users to take their prescription meds – a feature long-demanded by forgetful seniors and opioid addicts with Apple Watches.

Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson reportedly booked massage therapy sessions with 66 different women. Watson, who’s played in the NFL just four years, already surpassed the league record for groin pulls set by 20-year veteran Brett Favre.

The Los Angeles Rams agreed to an extension with wide receiver Cooper Kupp. And Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson negotiated an extension with several new massage therapists.

NASA’s powerful new James Webb Space Telescope suffered damage after being struck by a micrometeoroid- which fled the scene before sharing insurance information.

Prior to Game 3 of the NBA Finals, the visiting Golden State Warriors noticed the rim on the hoop they were shooting at during warmups was two inches too high. The height was corrected by the equipment supervisor – a former New England Patriots employee who inflated the footballs.

Kim Kardashian said it made her “so f**king horny” when boyfriend Pete Davidson got her Dibs ice cream bites from a drug store. Khloe Kardashian said she can relate, saying she gets horny for the Grubhub guy when he delivers the 20 oz ribeye from Sizzler.

Britney Spears will marry Sam Asghari today, in an intimate ceremony before 100 close friends and family. They chose Thursday because on the weekends they’re pretty slammed with birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese.

The Washington Post suspended writer Dave Weigel for a month for retweeting the joke “Every girl is bi. You just have to figure out if it’s polar or sexual.” Weigel is remorseful, with a co-worker saying the suspension not only rectum, it practically killed him.

The mother of a two-year-old who shot and killed his father is being charged with manslaughter. The toddler said it’s the only way his mother would put Paw Patrol back on.

Microsoft virtual reality chief Alex Kipman resigned over accusations of inappropriate behavior toward women, and of watching ‘virtual reality porn’ in the office. Women claim Kipman would wear VR glasses in meetings and squeeze stress balls with his arms extended.

Fox News will not air the January 6th Committee’s primetime hearings on Thursday. However, they’re not sure Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson & Laura Ingraham can hold their audience, so they made the unprecedented move to air a Matlock marathon.

Season 4 of Netflix hit Stranger Things propelled 1985 Kate Bush song ‘Running Up That Hill’ to Top 10 spots on U.S. and U.K, singles charts. However, no such luck for Wham! rerelease ‘Wake Me Up Before You DemoGo-Go-Gorgon’.

Philadelphia’s Made In America Festival announced its lineup for 2022 – headlined by Bad Bunny, Tyler The Creator, and bulletproof VIP viewing tents.

The European Union announced that in 2024, all smartphones and electronics must use a standard charger such as USB-C for regulatory approval. Apple said they’re okay, so long as they can continue selling $35 cords that break in two weeks.

As U.S. states enact strict abortion regulations amidst the expected reversal of Roe v Wade, direct-to-home abortion pill startup businesses are getting interest, such as Uber Broken Condom and Plan UPS.

Former Trump adviser Peter Navarro, speaking after his arrest for Contempt of Congress, claimed he was treated worse than illegal immigrants & Al Qaeda terrorists. Arresting officers deny this, saying Navarro was actually waterboarded with Kool-Aid.

Stars of reality tv show Chrisley Knows Best, Todd & Julie Chrisley, were found guilty of defrauding banks out of $30 million in personal loans. While their own show was cancelled, they’ll be special guests on future episodes of Love After Lockup.

New Jersey fishermen spotted a massive great white shark. Shark experts say it’s a teenage great white, because of its size, and because it was copying a great black shark’s dance moves and recording it for Tik Tok.

Philadelphia police blamed “contagious gunfire” for a weekend shooting on South Street. As proof of the contagion, they said over a dozen people tested positive for lead.

A petition from Michigan Republicans to stop voter fraud was voided after it was found to contain 20,000 fake signatures. They’ll regroup and renew their efforts, according to Michigan GOP chairman Mike Hunt.

Actress Neve Campbell will not appear in Scream 6, saying the salary she was offered was insufficient given her contributions to the franchise. That, and the first five left her with a really sore throat.

Apple announced iOS 16 and changes to iMessage, including the ability to unsend and edit dick pics.

Paramount Pictures, producer of Top Gun: Maverick, is being sued for copyright payments by family members of the author of an article which inspired the original Top Gun. Plaintiffs are seeking damages in the millions, although a similar suit involving the Iron Eagle movies was settled for free popcorn refills.

The CDC added four nations to its ‘high risk’ list for travel due to COVID infections: St Kitts & Nevis; Guyana; Mongolia; Namibia. Also, the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms added two destinations to their high-risk list: anywhere in Philadelpia or Chicago on Saturday nights

A mysterious radio signal emanating from a slow pulsar in outer space has astronomers baffled – despite being the 10th callers, they were unable to identify the secret sound and the Radio Jupiter prize pack grew to $6,000.

Amazon Prime Video released the first trailer for its ‘A League Of Their Own’ tv show, which promises a “deeper look at race & sexuality” in women’s pro baseball. Translation: Betty Spaghetti’s husband dies and she hooks up with her black teammate.

More PGA Tour players are resigning in order to play for the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. The first event is this weekend in London, so they’ll all be-headed there.

Scottish football referees Craig Napier and Lloyd Wilson came out as gay, to help change the stigma of homosexuality in that country. Now they give players a redyelloworangegreenblue card.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson faces a ‘no confidence’ vote from Parliament for throwing parties during COVID lockdown. Johnson’s defense centers on his wanting to get a 20-month headstart on the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee celebrations.

Sony Pictures rerelease of box office bomb Morbius failed, with just $85,000 in tickets sold on Friday – and those were to people tricked by the new title, Top Gun: Morbius.

Queen Elizabeth was unable to attend her Platinum Jubilee concert due to discomfort. However, she did send two royal butlers to the show to throw her panties on the stage at Rod Stewart.

Thousands of UK workers are starting a four-day work week trial, where they receive full pay for just 80% of the hours, promising that they’ll maintain the same productivity. “Yep, we promise” said British teens smoking cigarettes in front of UK Walmart.

New diabetes drug Tirzepatide led to larger-than-expected weight loss in patients, and not just from their feet falling off.

Virgin Atlantic airlines updated its policy and now allows flight attendants to show off their tattoos while in uniform. However, tattoos on women’s breasts and men’s buttocks are only visible to first class passengers.

Kyle Rittenhouse claimed he’s going to Texas A&M in the fall, but the university said he’s not enrolled. Rittenhouse clarified, saying he meant he’s going to Texas armed & murder people.

A teaser trailer for the new Hunger Games movie prequel premiered last night, called The No Thanks I’m Stuffed Games.

388 people in Britain donned mermaid tails to break the Guinness World Record for largest gathering of ‘merfolk’. The mermaid tails may be auctioned off, once the urine is cleaned out of them.

New York State passed a law raising the minimum age to 21 in order to purchase or own a semi-automatic rifle. NRA parents are now left scrambling to find gifts for high-school graduation parties.

Queen Elizabeth pulled out of her scheduled appearance at a St. Paul’s Cathedral service during her Platinum Jubilee, citing “discomfort”. Other old British ladies were thrilled to have a new excuse they, too, could use to blow off two dismal hours at church.

The United Nations recognized the nation of Turkey’s official name change to Turkiye, pronounced tur-key-yay, and the condiment of Gravy’s official name change to Graviye.

COO Sheryl Sandberg announced she’s leaving Facebook parent company Meta, and that she’s under investigation for using company resources to plan her wedding. She runs Facebook, but still needed three Facebook software developers to figure out the privacy settings for the wedding event.

Apple claims its upcoming iPad OS 16 tablet operating system will finally make iPads effectively replace laptops. Because the software weighs four pounds.

The Philadelphia Phillies fired manager Joe Girardi. The team is now seven games under .500, but the last straw was Girardi testing positive for monkeypox.

NASA selected Axiom Space and Collins Aerospace to develop the next spacesuits for astronauts working outside the International Space Station (ISS), edging out Carhartt and Wrangler.

Law enforcement officials in Uvalde, Texas now claim 911 call information from terrified children “never reached” the police chief on-site – thanks to a Texas law requiring school children to answer each other’s 911 calls.

LIV Golf, the upstart professional golf league backed by the Saudi Arabian government, is rumored to have paid Dustin Johnson $125 million to join. Or, about a thousand times what they pay for guys to execute foreign journalists.

A new study finds 17 & 18 year olds should have one-to-two hours of screen time per day on weekdays, and two-to-three hours on weekends, to be emotionally well-adjusted. Males should spend most of their time on social media and websites, and an efficient 90 seconds on porn.

A California woman found $36,000 in the cushion of a sofa she got for free on Craigslist. She returned the money, and the condoms she found in a different cushion.

The company owning the rights to Elvis Presley’s likeness ordered Las Vegas wedding chapels to stop performing Elvis-themed weddings. Couples married by Elvis impersonators have the option of going to Graceland for an officially-licensed Elvis divorce.

Queen Elizabeth commemorated 70 years on the throne – proving the damaging impact of British cooking.

Chevrolet announced it’s lowering the price of its Bolt electric vehicle to $27,000. Bolt sedans were recently recalled because of flammable batteries; Chevy says the price cut is permanent and not a fire sale.

The United Kingdom is planning to send U.S.-made medium-range rocket systems to Ukraine to help battle the Russian invasion. They’re also planning to send UK-made scones to Russian soldiers to make them too sick to fight.

Amber Heard’s attorney says she can’t pay the $10 million judgment won by ex-husband Johnny Depp in their defamation trial. She’ll appeal, but if she loses that, keep an eye out for an Aquaman-themed Only Fans account.

A woman born with a misshapen right ear received a new, transplanted ear which was 3-D printed using her own cells. She then had it pierced at a shopping mall and ruined it.

Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen admitted in an interview that he vomits before every game – as do about 12-to-15,000 fans attending Bills home games.

Archaeologists unearthing the ruins of an ancient Roman fort found a stone with a drawing of a penis etched into it, along with what’s believed to be the first-ever carved graffiti of the phrase ‘for a good time, call..’

Police arrested a Utah man after he brandished a firearm at McDonald’s drive-thru employees, followed by his 4-year-old son firing a shot at responding officers. The man was jailed, and the toddler got a Happy Meal with fries instead of apple slices.

A bison gored a woman at Yellowstone National Park, tossing her 10 feet in the air. The bison’s friend now has to toss a different tourist higher than that to win the bet.

Reality tv star Stephanie Matto, who’d already started a business selling her farts in a jar, is now selling her ‘boob sweat’ and claiming to make $5,000/day doing so. Most of the revenue is from illiterate moms still desperate for baby formula.

Mothers of newborns are doing their part during the U.S. baby formula shortage by pumping extra breast milk, although many shoppers wish they weren’t doing so in the baby food aisle at the grocery store.

Lucid Motors’ Lucid Air electric sedan won Motor Trend Car Of The Year honors in its first year of existence, the best showing by a first-year automaker since the Yugo GV took 48th place in 1986.

Doctors are advising monkeypox patients to abstain from sex while symptomatic – or, at the very least, to put a condom on their banana.

Florida GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz listed his reasons for regular citizens needing an AR-15 assault rifle, starting with the possibility that the 16 year old girl you just paid for doesn’t think you’re the right guy for her.

Retired football star & Georgia GOP candidate Herschel Walker is mad at Donald Trump, calling him a liar because he claims it was God – not Trump – who convinced him to run for Senate. God said if he got involved in elections, there would have been a different 45th U.S. President.

Both pilots of an ITA Airways jet flying from New York to Italy reportedly fell asleep, losing contact with air traffic control. The pilots cited fatigue from alcohol consumption and cockpit sex with flight attendants.

A man who fathered 15 children via sperm donation for lesbian couples failed to inform them he has a genetic disorder that causes learning disabilities. The lesbians are disappointed, but say they probably shouldn’t have bought sperm at Big Lots.

A New Jersey teenager and geneaology expert solved a 57-year-old cold murder case in Pennsylvania – matching DNA to a bartender who died in 1980. Police exhumed the body to confirm the match and to slap handcuffs on the skeleton.

Netflix, faced with subscriber declines and cost increases, said they’ve reset their feature film strategy, focusing on fewer, better, bigger films – and whatever junk Adam Sandler decides he wants to do.

Actress Busy Phillips said she and her husband have been separated for a year. He’s still been getting busy, but has not been getting Busy.

A truck crashed in western Pennsylvania, spilling 15,000 pounds of hot dog filler on to a highway. Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs announced their July 4th hot dog eating contest was being moved from Coney Island to a highway in western Pennsylvania.

The FDA is investigating a hepatitis A outbreak lined to organic strawberries. Consumers are advised to discard any berries they’ve purchased, and not to eat Grandma’s hepatitis shortcake.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s husband was charged with DUI after crashing his Porsche in Napa Valley, California – proving she can drive both Republicans and Democrats to drink.

A man at the Louvre Museum in Paris threw cake at the famous Mona Lisa. She stopped smiling because she knows it’s going straight to her hips.

A golden tabernacle valued at $2 million was stolen from a Brooklyn church. Priests are furious because they planned to sell it themselves to fund vacations with altar boys to Fire Island.

The World Health Organization said it’s unlikely the current monkeypox outbreak will lead to another global pandemic. However, they’re concerned that banana growers will be unable to keep up with the number of victims getting ‘long monkeypox’.

Sonic Drive-In workers at a Georgia restaurant were shocked when they found a three-and-a-half-foot snake living behind the deep fryer. The non-venomous ball python was easily captured since it was comatose from tater tot ingestion.

China’s Zheng Qinwen’s quest for an upset of top-ranked Iga Swiatek at tennis’s French Open was derailed when she experienced menstrual cramps after taking the first set, then losing. “I wish I were a man”, Zheng said. “So do we” said her parents.

More than 1 billion methamphetamine pills were seized by authorities in East and Southeast Asia last year as the region’s production of illegal synthetic drugs soars. In other news, the Governor of West Virginia announced a landmark trade deal with East and Southeast Asian nations.

Closing arguments are underway in the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp trial, leaving a court to decide whether the bed-pooper defamed the drunken pirate, vice-versa, or both.

A Japanese man spent $15,000 on a lifelike costume to look like a border collie. However, he still can’t lick his own balls. [story h/t to J !]

Paris Hilton wants to be “Queen of the Metaverse”. Since most adults don’t know what the Metaverse is, or have plans to spend any time there, that’s fine by them.

Timothy Hale-Cusinelli, a New Jersey native on trial for breaching the Capitol in the January 6th insurrection, told a judge he was from New Jersey, and effectively too dumb to know there was a building called the Capitol. “I’ll allow it” said the judge. [Another story h/t to J !]

Public outrage is mounting over the slow response by Uvalde, Texas police to the fatal elementary school shooting. A Uvalde cop asked for the public’s understanding, citing the challenge of simultaneous response to a mass shooting, while also planning a Memorial Day chicken barbecue with the fire department.

Lee Greenwood, Don McLean & Larry Gatlin all cancelled their concerts at the Houston NRA Convention. If you want to see old white geezers sing to hillbilly dipshits in Texas, you’ll have to wait for Motley Crue’s Stadium Tour.

K-Pop superstars BTS will make an appearance at the White House on May 31st to close out Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Aides are briefing Joe Biden to prevent him asking which of them know Kim Jong Un.

Netflix added a viewer warning to the beginning of new ‘Stranger Things’ episodes in the wake of the Uvalde shooting, since the show contains scenes with dead children. Texas Senator Ted Cruz introduced new legislation banning Demogorgons in schools.

Chicago raised its COVID risk level to ‘high’ on Thursday – making it the only time in recent history residents are hoping for more shots in Chicago.

Ellen Degeneres got choked up while recording the final episode of her daytime talk show, Ellen. As opposed to production assistants throughout the years, who just got choked.

Texas gubernatorial candidate Beto O’ Rourke interrupted Gov. Greg Abbott’s postmortem press briefing about the Uvalde school shooting to demand change. An angry Abbott threatened to punch his ass.

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt signed a restrictive statewide abortion ban in to law. As part of his commitment to saving lives, he’ll next sign a statewide ban on tornados.

The National Rifle Association banned guns from its convention in Texas. Sales projections at on-site souvenir stands were cut dramatically.

Scientists created a tiny robot crab that can stand on the side of a penny. The robot crab is also the result of poor robot hygiene.

United Kingdom law enforcement charged actor Kevin Spacey with four counts of sexual assault. He’ll stand trial once he completes training to learn a British accent.

Nancy Brophy, a romance novelist who authored ‘How To Murder Your Husband‘, was convicted of murdering her husband. Brophy awaits sentencing while writing her follow-up, ‘How To Successfully Appeal A Conviction For Murdering Your Husband’.

Baz Luhrmann’s biopic ‘Elvis‘ premiered at the Cannes film festival to mostly favorable reviews, with some critics saying it could use a little less conversation and a little more action.

Kim Kardashian apologized to her family for years of ex-husband Kanye West’s verbal attacks on them, saying she wished she’d done so earlier, but that many of the incidents happened between their E! show and their Hulu show.

Experts claim the current outbreak of monkeypox happened because warning signs – including a large outbreak in Nigeria in 2017 – were ignored. Doctors also ignored other warning signs, but were too arrogant to take the advice of monkeys.

A woman is suing Celebrity Cruises, saying the blood transfusion she received while on board was infected with HIV. Celebrity has yet to respond to the allegations, but announced they were shutting down the Blood Buffet on all ships.

Hyundai recalled thousands of Accent & Elantra vehicles over the risk of shrapnel injuries from exploding seat belts during collisions. In the interim, owners are advised to not use the seat belts, and fly to safety through the windshield.

Aerosmith postponed some Las Vegas concert dates as sober frontman Steven Tyler entered rehab. In other news, Motley Crue announced their Stadium Tour remains on schedule, as frontman Vince Neil successfully maintained his alcohol and cheeseburger intake.

Adam Sandler posed for photos with a woman after the two were involved in a fender-bender in Los Angeles. The woman was in good spirits, saying it wasn’t nearly as bad a wreck as the time she paid to see Jack & Jill.

Caitlyn Jenner was reportedly not invited to stepdaughter Kourtney Kardashian’s wedding to Travis Barker in Italy. Jenner assumed she’d be on the guest list since it required a trans Atlantic flight.

According to a Southern Baptist Convention report on clergy sex abuse, 44 women made claims against the same Jacksonville pastor, Darrell Gillyard. They were all even more angry when Gillyard declared a 45th woman the winner of the church bake-off.

Walmart apologized for selling Great Value Juneteenth ice cream. They promised to pull it from stores – but that doing so has nothing to do with their new Great Value Red Velvet Cheesecake baby formula.

Instagram announced a ‘full visual refresh’ – with new branding, logo & typeface. Then admitted it’s not exactly a “full” refresh since you can still count on the same ol’ same ol’ boobs.

Kate Moss testified at the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp defamation trial, saying under oath that Depp never pushed her down a flight of stairs during their relationship, but that somehow she did manage to walk into six open doors because she’s so clumsy.

This Is Us aired its final episode. Producers are in negotiations to air reruns as That Was Us.

The CDC says 1 in 5 COVID survivors will develop long COVID. And if the other 4 out of 5 are smart, they’ll at least get a really long weekend out of it.

Colin Cantwell, designer of Star Wars’ Death Star, passed away at age 90. More bad news, he asked to have his ashes spread on his home planet of Alderaan.

Noah Thompson won Season 20 of American Idol. He received congratulatory messages from 19 previous winners, 2 of which he’d actually heard of.

Florida confirmed its first case of Monkeypox, but it was quickly eradicated by several local strains of herpes.

The last public pay phones in New York City were removed, leaving locals confused about who they should call for a good time.

The City of Philadelphia will spend $13 million to dredge the Schuylkill River, reuniting hundreds of local families with their grandparents.

San Francisco Mayor London Breed will boycott the city’s Pride Parade, opposing a ban on city police participating in the parade in uniform. Worse, the ban also means all of the Village People can’t be in it either.

Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band announced a 2023 World Tour – the first ever where a majority of ticket sales are purchased by withdrawals from 401[k]s.

Princeton University fired Classics professor Joshua Katz for failing to disclose a sexual relationship with a student 15 years ago. Katz defended his actions, saying he did fully detail the relationship in a 2007 issue of Dear Penthouse Forum: Classics.

Three Americans at a Sandals resort in the Bahamas died of carbon monoxide poisoning, according to a Bahamas medical examiner – contradicting the findings of Sandals house doctor, who had ruled they’d passed of a fun overdose.

The auction of a dress worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard Of Oz was blocked by a judge, because of a dispute over its current ownership. A woman claims the dress was owned by her late uncle, who died in 1986. She wasn’t going to sue, but then realized the courage she needed was in her all along.

Full Circle Everest, a group of seven men & women, became the first all-black group in history to summit Mount Everest. In doing so, they became the first seven black people to travel 29,000 feet without experiencing dumb racist bullshit.

A Texas woman is on the run after shooting & killing a female professional bicycle racer who she suspected of an affair with her live-in boyfriend. The suspect is expected to claim mental impairment because she, too, was about to start her cycle.

Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider said he thinks he’s played his last live show. So, in Motley Crue terms, he’ll be back on the road in a few months.

Russia permanently banned 963 Americans from ever entering the country again, including President Biden and Vice President Harris, but not Donald Trump. Trump has not announced whether or not he’ll attend any of the concert dates on the Pussy Riot reunion tour.

Ohio police pulled over a drunk Amish man, slumped over while driving a horse-drawn buggy on a public road. The driver failed an Amish field sobriety test, where he was given lumber & nails and could not raise the side of a barn.

The U.S. Southern Baptist Conference released a 300-page report detailing decades of rampant sexual abuse and cover-ups by church leaders. The Baptists and Catholics will hold a summer Bible camp so they can break the tie and decide who’s worse.

Tiger Woods withdrew from the final round of the PGA Championship, citing pain in his injured foot that was so bad, he couldn’t have parking lot sex with a Hooters hostess while standing up.

Starbucks is leaving Russia, shutting down all 130 locations. The closure is expected to have a devastating impact on CD sales for Zamfir, Master Of The Pan Flute.

Jif peanut butter products were recalled for possible salmonella contamination, leaving choosy mothers to clean up a lot of vomit.

Arby’s is selling its first-ever hamburger, the Wagyu Steakhouse Burger. The first-ever order for it was a cease-and-desist order from Japan’s Wagyu Beef Council.

Elon Musk denied exposing himself to a flight attendant on a private jet. Musk explained that if it did happen, it was because he had left his penis on autopilot.

Coke announced they’ll tether plastic bottle caps to bottles in the UK so that the caps will be recycled. They won’t do it in the U.S., after research found that small sea turtles like wearing the caps as hats.

Poison drummer Rikki Rockett announced he’s cancer-free ahead of the group’s summer Stadium Tour with Motley Crue & Def Leppard. Rockett also announced he’s free of roughly half of the 30 STDs he’s carried around since the late 80s.

Rihanna gave birth to a baby boy. The baby arrived, and began crying, but like his Mom, couldn’t really hold the note.

Tiger Woods shot a four-over-par opening round at the PGA Champiionship, saying his surgically repaired leg hurts. He planned to receive physical therapy prior to the second round as soon as he finds the right hostess at TGI Friday’s.

Scientists are baffled by the outbreaks of monkeypox in Europe and the U.S. Also baffled?…monkeys coming down with chickenpox.

Google partnered with pesticide Off to launch a tool that predicts mosquito populations in your area. The tool already faces criticism from mosquitos, angry that Google is sharing their location data without permission.

Prince William and Kate Middleton attended the London premiere of Top Gun: Maverick with star Tom Cruise. No sign of Prince Harry, who William repeatedly referred to as ‘Goose’.

Bob Mackie, who designed the Marilyn Monroe dress that Kim Kardashian borrowed and wore to this year’s Met Gala, said it was a mistake letting her wear it. He added it was also a mistake letting her eat Taco Bell while she did.

The St Louis Zoo announced the birth of critically endangered Amur leopard cubs. Zoo officials said they’re glad the cats aren’t black, because that would make them even more endangered in St. Louis.

A woman gave birth on a Frontier Airlines flight from Denver to Orlando. Then Frontier Airlines gave its first-ever discount voucher to the guy in her seat on the return flight to Denver.

Don Gorske of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin marked his 50th anniversary eating McDonald’s Big Macs every day. Meanwhile, the Fond du Lac coroner issued a third autopsy for copycats dying within two weeks attempting to duplicate Gorske’s feat with Arby’s Beef & Cheddars.

Netflix laid off 150 workers, notifying each of them they had to hit the Next Episode button.

A Massachusetts man was diagnosed with the first case of monkeypox in the U.S., a conclusion reached after multiple days of research by virologists and chimps wearing lab coats.

Multiple monkeypox cases have been identified in countries such as Spain, Portugal & the United Kingdom – with the World Health Organization officially recognizing them as barrels of monkeypox.

Serbia’s Lazar Krstic won the Red Bull Paper Wings paper-airplane contest, making a folded paper craft that sailed 200 feet. He’s been commissioned to fold a thousand more for the deployment of the Serbian Air Force.

The CW network cancelled ‘Riverdale‘, ending the Archie Comics-inspired drama after seven seasons. The network has, however, ordered a new pilot, ‘Jughead‘, which is 30 minutes of Donald Trump commenting on women’s breasts.

NASA’s Insight Mars lander is reportedly losing power because of dust collecting on the vehicle’s solar panels. They’re hoping if they get it to the right intersection in a sketchy neighborhood, a homeless martian will offer to clean the dust off.

Major League Baseball reporter Kelsey Wingert was struck in the forehead by a foul ball while standing in the dugout during Monday’s Giants/Rockies game, requiring stitches and a CT scan. This is her first time taking a ball to the face since college.

An Idaho man broke a Guinness World Record by running the Famous Idaho Potato Half-Marathon while wearing 111 t-shirts – and just five changes of underpants.

Editor’s Note: No jokes on Tuesday or Wednesday of this week, since I’m having some routine medical work done. Thanks for reading & hope you come back soon. cd

McDonald’s is completely shutting down its Russian business operations. Some locations may continue operating without the old name & branding, and will reopen as Gorba-Chef.

Pennsylvania Democrat John Fetterman, candidate for U.S. Senate, was hospitalized after suffering a mild stroke. Republican Dr Mehmet Oz, seeking the GOP nomination, prescribed him green coffee bean extract and acai berries.

Hypotheses are emerging about the cause of mysterious hepatitis cases in children. Right now, the favorite is Lunchables.

A recall was issued for the possiblity of metal strands in bags of Starburst, Skittles & Life Savers gummies. New bags will be relabeled ‘steelies’.

Yale researchers claim to have definitively identified the underlying cause of cancerous tumors, which they announced while smoking cigarettes at noon while shirtless on a sunny beach.

Patients opting for robotic surgery experienced substantially reduced recovery times and readmissions, and nurses appreciated not having to hear human doctors make bad jokes about the patient’s body.

Charleston, South Carolina police were called when residents spotted a six-foot alligator approaching an elementary school. Asked what the gator was doing there, cops said it was waiting for recess to get a free school lunch.

Melania Trump ripped Vogue magazine for bias for never giving her a cover story, while other Democratic first ladies received covers. Melania then rejected an offer for the cover of MILF.

Amber Heard stuck with her story that it was a dog – not her – that pooped in bed, claiming the dog had bowel issues from eating marijuana. Heard said the weed was especially potent, causing her to piss on a fire hydrant and bag her own feces before tossing it in a park trash can.

Travis Scott performed for the Billboard Music Awards. His handlers advised fans not to tell him he ‘crushed’.

A South Carolina man died of a heart attack while burying the girlfriend he’d killed, in what’s commonly known as a South Carolina Murder-Suicide.

Scientists grew plants in soil collected from the Moon for the first time. Then the NASA cleaning lady forgot to water them so they had to start over.

The first war crimes trial since Russia’s invasion of Ukraine began in Kyiv. The start of the trial was delayed since the Russian defendant found out his first-choice lawyer, Johnnie Cochran, was dead.

President of the United Arab Emirates, Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan, died at age 73. A lottery will be held to decide which of his wives attend his funeral, where one will give a eulogy – 80% of which will be time spent saying his name and title.

Kelly Osbourne is pregnant. She’s letting her father Ozzy suggest names, so it’s Jurmuhf for a girl and Mobiffruh for a boy.

Production begins soon on the sixth installment in the Scream horror franchise, tentatively titled Scream 6: Hoarse.

Tom Brady signed a staggering $375 million, 10-year broadcasting deal with Fox Sports to provide commentary during NFL games. Fox also inked Rob Gronkowski to a lesser deal to provide commentary during Women’s Jell-o Wrestling.

Top Gun: Maverick director Joseph Kosinski told an interviewer why Kelly McGillis and Meg Ryan weren’t asked to reprise their roles for the Top Gun sequel, explaining that he saw recent pictures of Kelly McGillis and Meg Ryan.

China’s Mars rover discovered water existed on Mars more recently than experts believe – after the rover got stuck in a water-filled ditch.

Before helping convicted murderer Casey White escape an Alabama prison, accomplice/corrections officer Vicky White purchased sex toys. Lucky for her, Alabama prison stores sell sex toys.

A woman shared a Tik Tok video of moldy breast implants she had removed in 2020 after they were making her ill. She kept them because her boyfriend still likes to squeeze them while he watches football.

Before fugitive corrections officer Vicky White killed herself with a gunshot to the head, she was overheard on a 911 call complaining that prison escapee Casey White wanted to stay “in a f**kin’ motel”. Casey White was overheard saying he had reward points he needed to use before they expired.

Google Maps is adding detailed “immersive views” of major U.S. cities. Soon, drivers in Chicago & Philadelphia will be able to see their carjacker on a route map.

Andy Dick was arrested and charged with felony sexual battery at a California campground. The bear did not suffer serious injury.

Two million people signed a petition calling for actress Amber Heard to be removed from the upcoming Aquaman 2 movie; but all agree that, even if they do, it’ll still probably suck as much as Aquaman.

The 2022 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue will feature Kelly Hughes – the first SI model to show off her C-section scar. She joins hundreds of past models who proudly displayed their T and A sections.

North Korea reported its first COVID outbreak, and ordered an immediate lockdown, which is apparently different than the everyday Because-We’re-North-Korea lockdown.

A Tibet Airlines jet caught fire after sliding off the runway during takeoff in China, with all passengers & crew evacuated safely. Meanwhile in the U.S., a Spirit Airlines jet caught fire on takeoff, and all passengers had their snacks upgraded to warm peanuts.

Florida gas prices reached a record high, making it more expensive than ever for retirees to slowly crash their cars into each other.

Madonna released a series of digital NFTs depicting plants and bugs growing out of her vagina. Her gynecologist recommended she start using Summer’s Eve with RoundUp.

Microsoft will pay travel expenses for employees who want an abortion. Because of pregnant Microsoft employees traveling from Texas, it’s almost impossible to get an appointment at Planned Parenthood of Kauai.

Disgraced celebrity chef Mario Batali was found not guilty of sexual misconduct for groping a woman who asked for a picture with him. He was, however, found guilty on a lesser charge of a-salting his osso buco too much.

Elon Musk said he would reinstate Donald Trump’s Twitter account if he acquires the company. Truth Social CEO Devin Nunes asked him to reconsider.

Concerns over the health of Queen Elizabeth were heightened as Prince Charles gave the Queen’s annual speech to Parliament. Afterward, Charles said the hardest part was fitting in her dress and shoes.

Actor James Cromwell superglued his hand to a Starbucks counter to protest the company charging more for plant-based milk. Employees said he wasn’t exactly a big tipper with his free hand.

The county sheriff of Evansville, Indiana said he couldn’t believe that fugitive murderer Casey White and corrections officer Vicky White stayed for nearly a week in Evansville. His sentiment was echoed by everyone who lives in Evansville.

A new Pew Research study claims few Americans take an “absolutist view” on abortion, with one exception being 17-year-old boys whose condoms break on prom night.

A passenger with “no idea how to fly an airplane” safely landed a Cessna after the pilot became ill and air traffic controllers talked him through it. The passenger spent the next day interviewing for a job with Frontier Airlines.

Viral video shows two beachfront homes in North Carolina’s Outer Banks collapsing into the ocean. Updated Airbnb descriptions now list the two properties as houseboats.

A woman gave birth to a baby during a Metallica concert in Brazil. Meanwhile, six different women got pregnant during a Kid Rock concert in Tennessee.

Mattel introduced the first-ever Hot Wheels remote-controlled wheelchair toy, modeled after paraplegic daredevil Aaron ‘Wheels’ Fotheringham. The toy jumps ramps and does tricks, but still takes five minutes to get in and out of the remote-controlled van.

Philadelphia public schools will randomly screen students for weapons like handguns and knives. They won’t say where or when, but the school superintendent said they’ll probably focus on days when teachers have Show & Tell.

Fugitive murderer Casey White was captured after a car wreck ended a police chase in Indiana, and his alleged lover – corrections officer Vicky White – died at the hospital. Casey & Vicky: Love On the Run, starring Valerie Bertinelli, premieres on Lifetime this Friday.

Nikki Sixx condemned an unauthorized stage play The Crue: Underneath The Dirt Lies The Truth, which he says uses band trademarks & imagery without permission. Unlike most stage productions, producers cast the Vince Neil role to the worst singer.

Lizzo is introducing Yitty, a new women’s shapewear line. Apparel experts call it “a lot to ask of shapewear”.

Australian police found 110 pounds of cocaine near the body of a diver that had washed up on shore. An autopsy revealed the diver didn’t wait a half-hour after eating lunch before going in the water.

A prison riot in Ecuador left 43 people dead, in what’s being called the Taco Tuesday Massacre.

Jeffery Lamar Williams, 30, aka rapper Young Thug, was arrested for organizing a criminal street gang in his home city of Atlanta. Young Thug will be tried as Adult Defendant.

WNBA players posed for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. The shoot lasted several hours, following bikini waxing that took several days.

Britney Spears posted a dozen nude photographs on Instagram. Her fiance reminded her that’s not what it means that she has to be seen by an ob/gyn.

Three guests died from mysterious causes at Sandals resort in the Bahamas. The good news is their funerals are included.

Fred Savage was fired as an Executive Producer & Director from ABC’s The Wonder Years reboot for allegations of inappropriate conduct. He was given the news in a voice-over from actor Daniel Stern.

A German woman was found guilty of ‘stealthing’ after admitting to poking holes in her boyfriend’s condoms in an unsuccessful attempt to get pregnant. The man became suspicious when he had to pull staples out of the condom while putting it on.

Fugitive murderer Casey White and Alabama corrections officer Vicky White remain on the run after a week. Since experts believe Casey White is used to prison food, police in southern states have stakeouts set up at Golden Corral buffets.

Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves said his state is not currently considering bans on contraception such as Plan B pills or IUDs, saying Missippians already have a difficult enough time understanding where babies come from to begin with.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said the company’s employees can work remotely, forever, without losing pay. Chesky reserved the right to reevaluate ‘forever’ in the case of employees who die.

Def Leppard said songs from new album ‘Diamond Star Halos’, will be “strongly represented” during their upcoming tour with Motley Crue. They want fans to have opportunity to buy beer and t-shirts before they play ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’.

The Penn State Nittany Lion shrine – a lion statue on the main campus – was vandalized during graduation weekend, with its ear broken off and sprayed with red paint. The shrine is decades old, so cops have ruled out Jerry Sandusky touching it.

A new study from Texas A&M shows that working from home has no negative impact on worker productivity – at least as long as you’re at your desk and not in bed or at a matinee.

The New York Times swapped out ‘fetus’ as Monday’s Wordle solution because of the controversy surrounding abortion rights, but said ‘sperm’ was still a decent starting word for the new solution.

The Food & Drug Administration is planning to ban the sale of menthol cigarettes, a move that menthol smokers are calling “Not Kool”.

Philadelphia first responders rescued a woman who drove her car off of Freedom Pier into the Delaware River. She was rushed to an area hospital and informed that she failed the parallel parking segment of her driver’s test.

Princess Cruise line’s flagship Ruby Princess vessel is under investigation by the CDC after 37 passengers tested positive for COVID. They were given new COVID tests where a stick is held in front of their mouth as they vomit over the rail with norovirus.

Vladimir Putin accepted an invitation to the G20 Summit in Bali, Indonesia. He requested a block of hotel rooms for himself and fifty food tasters.

James Corden announced he’s leaving CBS’ ‘The Late Late Show’ in 2023, as viewers wonder if he could possibly do it Early Early.

Caitlyn Jenner called women’s collegiate swimming champion Lia Thomas “one of the worst things” to happen to the trans community. Jenner said she spoke from authority, as she is objectively the worst thing to happen to the trans community.

A man participating in research at University of Maryland drank a fecal matter smoothie to give him dystentery. He was paid $7,000 for participating in the study, and $5 to reimburse him for the smoothie he bought at Sonic.

Cancer Council brand sunscreen was recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission because it contains benzene, a known carcinogen. Cancer Council executives learned of the recall while they accepted a Truth In Advertising Award.

Measles cases are up 80% globally. Health officials say they’ll continue to promote vaccination to at-risk individuals until they’re red-in-the-face.

A Florida man was arrested after a passenger in his golf cart died after the cart tipped over and he was thrown into traffic. The man failed a field sobriety test and was charged with manslaughter and GCUI.

Danielle Brigoli, now known as rapper Bhad Bhabie, bought a Boca Raton, Florida home in a gated community for $6.1 million. “Cash us putting our homes on the market” said her new Florida neighbors.

Travis Barker reportedly went to the grave of Kourtney Kardashian’s deceased father to ask his permission to marry her. He couldn’t hear the answer, so he rented a backhoe to move him closer.

NBC News is facing backlash after describing current Jeopardy! super-champion Mattea Roach as a ’23-year-old lesbian tutor’. She’s won over $300,000 and tutored multiple women on how to be better lesbians.

A judge in Brazil ruled Apple must pay a man $1,000 for failing to include a power adapter with his new iPhone. The man bought one online at the Apple website, paying $29 for the adapter, and $971 for shipping.

A Waffle House employee created a viral Tik Tok video saying she makes a surprisingly large amount of money working there – enough to pay cash to visit doctors after the free meals, with money left over for ju jitsu lessons so she can break up Waffle House brawls.

NASA’s Mars helicopter spotted what the agency called ‘otherworldly wreckage’ on the red planet. Which, on closer inspection, proved to be unreleased Nicolas Cage and Bruce Willis movies.

Twitter admitted overstating their audience figures for the past three years. Twitter users admit overstating their audience for as long as they’ve been using it.

McDonald’s is now stuck with millions of dollars worth of Russian food it can’t use, after a test showed U.S. customers aren’t crazy about Wolf Meat Quarter Pounders.

Apple opened its online Self Service Repair store, offering repair kits, individual parts, and – for a fee – an online chat with the Chinese junior high kid who originally put the device together.

Ozzy Osbourne has COVID – but denies catching it by eating the head of an infected bat.

You Tube’r Gabbie Hanna is being called ‘tone deaf’ for a video where she tells her 7 million followers that they can overcome depression with hobbies like jet skiing. In other news, a dozen teenagers are missing after renting jet skis and never returning.

New Jersey is just days away from instituting a plastic bag & foam container ban. Crackheads will either need to bring their own bag, or carry their purchase in a body cavity of choice.

Comcast/Xfinity & Charter/Spectrum – the U.S.’ two biggest cable tv providers – are teaming up to manufacture & distribute streaming video devices & smart TVs to compete with Roku, Google & Amazon. They say their analysis determined that the streaming hardware space was lacking “terrible customer service”.

Harvard University released a detailed report of its involvement in the U.S. slave trade, including faculty and staff that owned slaves. Harvard said they couldn’t have finished it without the exhaustive research provided by unpaid interns.

Akihiko Kondo, a Japanese man who married a hologram of a 16-year-old girl and identifies as “fictosexual”, said he can’t speak to her anymore because her software is broken. He worries he may never know the results of her pregnancy test.

An 11-year-old Filipino boy was able to survive a landslide by taking refuge in a refrigerator – an ordeal he described as ‘chilling’.

Vice President Kamala Harris is isolating after a positive COVID test. She’s being told to stay away from President Biden – which is on her to-do list every day, anyway.

Warner Brothers Pictures released the first images of actress Margot Robbie in the upcoming film ‘Barbie’. Robbie’s hair & makeup are minimal, but it takes two hours each day to put molded plastic over her crotch with a Mattel trademark.

China reported the first human infection of H3N8 bird flu. Health officials said H3N8 was the order number on the guy’s receipt at KFC.

Firefighters in Washington state were called to rescue a woman who fell into an outhouse toilet trying to retrieve her dropped cell phone. She was hosed down at the scene but was still refused service later that day at the Genius Bar.

Best Buy recalled over 700,000 air fryers because of a safety risk, with one reportedly causing burns to a child’s leg. Police also arrested a man accused of trying to eat a child’s leg.

The Kardashian family asked a judge to dismiss Blac Chyna’s defamation lawsuit against the family. Or, at the very least, to let them take pictures of each other in the courtroom since they each went three hours without posting anything to Instagram.

JC Penney made an $8.6 billion offer to buy Kohl’s. The deal is subject to antitrust review since the merged store would effectively corner the market on dumpy mom outfits.

General Motors announced they’ll launch a fully-electric Corvette around the 2024 model year, promising it’ll go from Zero to Totaled On A Telephone Pole in several seconds.

China will test 20 million citizens in an effort to lift the lockdown in Shanghai. The tests will take a couple of days, the hard part is getting everyone the pagers to let them know it’s their turn.

Delta Airlines will start paying flight attendants during boarding, versus when the aircraft door closes. Passengers are now encouraged to have their drunken fistfights before departure so the crew gets paid more during the delay.

Following the death of Japan’s 119-year-old Kane Tanaka, a French nun called Sister Andre is now the World’s Oldest Person at 118 years, 73 days. Sister Andre said she’s considering ending her career as a nun so she can finally have sex.

A doorbell camera captured an alligator scratching the door of a Florida home. Then a female alligator opened the door and said she wasn’t letting him in until he sobered up.

A Little League baseball game in South Carolina was halted due to gunshots. The game resumed after the kid in right field said the gun went off while he was cleaning it.

63-year-old Madonna posted on Instagram, wearing fishnet tights with her legs spread and grabbing her crotch. She captioned the photo “found my car keys”.

Philadelphia is ending its indoor mask mandate less than a week after reinstating it, after the Centers for Disease Control determined the health benefits of wearing one didn’t outweigh the risks from the food Philly residents ate when they removed it.

Tiger Woods introduced two new 18-hole putting courses at a fun center in Sarasota. He focused on putting courses because he’s notoriously great at putting, and because it leaves more time for participants to hit on the female bartenders.

Mike Tyson repeatedly punched a passenger seated behind him on a Jet Blue flight, but walked off the aircraft before it departed. He then boarded a Spirit Airlines flight, and waited for the captain to illuminate the fistfight sign before pummeling a different guy.

A new mom’s Tik Tok video claims the key to understanding a newborn baby is deciphering nine unique baby cries – three each for hunger, fatigue, and filling their diaper.

The FAA revoked the private pilot’s license of YouTube’r Trevor Jacob, saying he crashed a small plane on purpose, jumping out with a parachute and recording it all on a smartphone with a selfie stick. Jacob remains grounded for a year, and then will start work flying for Spirit Airlines.

Amber Heard is accused of copying ex-husband Johnny Depp’s outfits as the two square off in court over a lawsuit. Heard said it was tough to find a Halloween Spirit store open in April to get a Captain Jack Sparrow costume.

Florida released four examples of math textbooks it disqualified for use in the state. The exhibits showed bar charts measuring perceived racism – with the tall bar labeled ‘Florida’.

Donald Trump mocked the shutdown of CNN+ streaming service after just three weeks. He released a statement calling it an ’empty desert’. The statement was released on multiple online outlets, including to the six people on Truth Social.

Victoria’s Secret named its first male Brand Ambassador, actor Darren Barnet. He’ll model gender-neutral apparel and give online tutorials on one-handed bra unhooking.

Kevin Federline’s lawyer said Britney Spears’ recent post about his not wanting to see her when she was pregnant with their children is false, and that he would vigorously defend Federline just as soon as Britney paid him.

Tennis champion Maria Sharapova is pregnant. If you think the noise she makes when she hits a backhand is loud, just wait a few months.

NASA scientists discovered ‘micronovas’, the smallest thermonuclear blasts. They also call ‘micronovas’ the brightest ideas shared by the dumbest people who still work at NASA.

Veterinarians warn they’re seeing more cases of domestic animals eating their owner’s cannabis edibles. The pets recover in a couple days, but it’s hard getting the service dogs back to work after lying on the sofa watching the Doctor Who marathon.

Netflix – which lost over 30% of its value after posting a decline in subscribers – is considering launching an ad-supported version. And by “ads” they mean “adding porn”.

A boy in Brazil was born with two penises, and doctors had to remove the larger one because it couldn’t urinate. His parents sued the surgeon because the child was dismembered.

California police are allegedly playing copyrighted Disney music while on duty, so that the company will take down the videos if they’re posted by concerned citizens. No statement has been made from Disney about a supercut of cops shooting unarmed teenagers to ‘Whistle While You Work’.

A Swiss developer is building a 328-foot tall residential tower from timber – the world’s tallest. The condo association has already rejected dozens of applications filed by families of termites.

Thursday is the first day for legal recreational marijuana sales in New Jersey. New Jersey is also the only place you’ll find the exclusive Roy Rogers strain.

Following the Oscars slap incident, Broadway’s Tony Awards instituted a ‘No Violence’ policy, which, in effect, removes the last reason anyone had for wanting to watch the Tony Awards.

The Masked Singer aired the episode revealing Rudy Giuliani as Jack In The Box singing ‘Bad To The Bone’. He, of course, sucked, but stuck around long enough to announce his plan to expose Jenny McCarthy’s voter fraud resulting in Jewel’s win last season.

Netflix lost 200,000 subscribers, and said password sharing was partially to blame for putting their quarterly totals in the Upside Down.

Popeyes plans to open 200 new restaurants, and will incorporate a new restaurant design with more defibrillators, and more open space for fistfights when they roll out new menu items.

The FDA is investigating reports of people experiencing stomach pain, vomiting & diarrhea after eating Lucky Charms. However, the leprechaun is happy he’s found a way to keep people from stealing them.

Amy Schumer said her trichotillomania – which caused her to obsessively pull out her hair during her teen years – made her feel “unlovable” and “not great at spelling her disease”.

Moderna said they’re releasing an updated COVID booster shot this fall, that better combats virus variants while making the tracking chip 50% smaller.

Lizzo said she’s in a relationship. Then, when the pizza was gone, said she’s single again.

The USFL Pittsburgh Maulers cut running back De’Veon Smith because he ordered pizza instead of chicken salad at the team cafeteria. The team said the $20 for the pizza forced them to declare bankruptcy.

A woman’s viral Tik Tok video tells how she suffered a panic attack because her tattoo artist talked inappropriately about her while she was topless. The tattoo artist defended his remarks, saying they were on treadmills at Planet Fitness.

Uber will no longer require face masks, so passengers can more clearly hear how they’re being sexually harassed.

Workout apparel giant Lululemon plans to grow to over $12 billion in sales by growing sales to men and launching a resale program for gently used yoga pants and sports bras – mainly by selling them to creepy men.

A man inhaled a dental drill bit into his lung while having a cavity filled. Doctors removed it and are now busily filling the six cavities in his windpipe.

A Wisconsin mother of identical triplet boys uses color-coded toenail paint to tell them apart – at least until she finds a tattoo parlor willing to ink the names on their asses.

Banking giant JP Morgan Chase unveiled plans for a new 60-story headquarters tower in New York City, powered entirely by renewable energy. Specifically, harnessing methane gas generated by workers and tourists at hot dog & falafel carts on the block.

A man received a $450,000 settlement after suing his former employer, who incited a panic attack at a workplace birthday party in his honor. The man said he’ll probably never return to work at Chuck E Cheese.

A federal judge blocked the mask mandate for U.S. airlines, giving a victory to airline passengers who want to spit on flight attendants after they punch them.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania man became the 11th in history to record a perfect score on the original arcade version of Pac-Man. He was recognized posthumously, since he died because they didn’t notice his playing the game while they demolished the abandoned Pizza Hut around him.

Moscow’s Mayor said economic sanctions against Russia resulted in the loss of 200,000 jobs in the city. To make ends meet, tens of thousands of displaced workers are applying to Moscow’s only food delivery service, BorschtDash.

The new trailer for Marvel’s Thor: Love & Thunder has some fans concerned that Thor is gay. And quite a few of them positively thrilled that Thor is gay.

The new USFL premiered over the weekend, with the season kickoff game between the Birmingham Stallions & New Jersey Generals viewed by an estimated 2.95 prison inmates and gambling addicts.

Jury selection started in Blac Chyna’s defamation trial against the Kardashian family. Lawyers are seeking 12 jurors and 2 alternates who can remain impartial while pretending to listen to testimony while staring at boobs.

Michigan kindergartners drank Jose Cuervo ready-made margaritas because a classmate brought the bottle in for snack time thinking it was juice. The children are all okay, and there’s now a waiting list to be Snack Mom.

NASA teleported a hologram of a doctor to the International Space Station. The astronauts were all pretty pissed off at the $100,000 copay.

Burger King’s largest franchisee is cutting the number of chicken nuggets in an order from 10 to 8. They say the other two died of bird flu.

Shania Twain joined Harry Styles on stage at Coachella to perform ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman’ – but looked at Styles and sang ‘Man, You Look Like A Woman’.

Florida’s Department of Education rejected 54 math textbooks from kindergarten through 12th grade curriculum, saying that they contained prohibited content like Critical Race Theory, common core learning, and fractions.

The City of Philadelphia faces a lawsuit from business owners over the reinstatement of its indoor mask mandate. It’s the first-ever lawsuit with paperwork that opens with the phrase “Not for Nothing…”

To prevent the spread of bird flu, wildlife officials are recommending not putting out bird feeders. But if you do, mix the bird feed with Dayquil.

Ever Forward – a container ship stuck in the Chesapeake Bay for a month – has been freed. They were able to remove the cargo faster with the help of teenagers tricked into thinking several of the 40-foot containers contained Playstation 5’s they could have.

A Queens, New York woman was stabbed over 50 times, stuffed in a duffel bag, and dragged several blocks to a street corner, leaving sidewalks stained with blood. Police have not yet ruled out foul play.

The FDA authorized the first breath test for COVID, on the same day it approved new & improved Listerine with Monoclonal Antibodies.

Reddit introduced comment searching, making it quicker to find your favorite examples of racism, sexism & right-wing extremism.

Cardi B & husband Offset revealed the name of their newborn son, Wave. They also shared the baby’s first photos – Wave to the camera.

Ramiro Alanis of Florida saw ‘Spider Man: No Way Home’ in theatres 292 times between December, 2021 and March, 2022, breaking the world record for single viewings of a film. Alanis spent $3,400 on tickets, and $43,000 removing a popcorn blockage in his colon.

Bird experts advise temporarily taking down bird feeders and bird baths to slow the spread of Bird Flu. They also say you shouldn’t put Nyquil in hummingbird feeders.

200 birds died of Bird Flu at a Chicago-area forest preserve. Officials say this is the first time they’ve seen this many dead creatures in Chicago without bullet holes.

The United States and United Kingdom are each investigating mysterious cases of hepatitis in children as early as 1-year-old. They say finding the root cause is challenging because they’re too young to have eaten at Taco Bell.

A$AP Rocky is denying rumors that he cheated on, and split from, pregnant partner Rihanna. He said the press obviously has him confused with his cousin A$AP Horny.

A Chinese race car driver on a frozen lake drifted for 3.87 miles, breaking the world record for longest continuous drift. Meanwhile, in a spring snowstorm in Winnipeg, Canada, a different Chinese driver drifted for three blocks and broke the world record for hitting parked cars.

High end kitchenware retailer Sur La Table launched their first-ever furniture line, Sur La Overpriced Chairs.

An Elizabeth, New Jersey man was arrested and charged for running over a woman several times with his SUV. An official with the New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles called it “the worst driver’s test parallel parking I’ve ever seen”.

Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro faces questioning after the discovery of Brazil’s military purchasing over 35,000 Viagra pills and three silicone penile implants. The questions would be directed to the three highest-ranking generals, but Bolsonaro said they’ve all been pretty busy. [Story h/t to J.H.!]

New York City subway shooting suspect Frank James was apprehended, but is alleged to have called the Crime Stoppers hotline to tell police he’d be near a McDonald’s in the city’s East Village. Cops surrounded James after finishing their McFlurries.

President Biden committed $800 million in military weapons & aid to Ukraine. Although, thanks to inflation, the price went up to $900 million the next day.

The U.S. Government announced new ways they’re helping households ease the burden of medical debt, including better disclosures, debt forgiveness, and the approval of the first-ever At-Home, Do It Yourself Boob Job.

Georgia Representative & inveterate dipshit Marjorie Taylor Greene said in an interview that joining the U.S. military is like “throwing your life away”. Greene defended her right to make such comments, having served 10 years in CrossFit.

Amazon is rebranding its free, ad-supported streaming video service from IMDB TV to Amazon FreeVee. They say the programming is so good, they’ll send you a bottle to urinate in because you won’t want to leave your chair.

Alabama legislators passed a record high education budget of $8.3 billion, including more money for school supplies and pay raises of 21% for some teachers. Teachers can qualify for even bigger raises if they have a 6th Grade diploma.

A 9-year-old girl waiting to see the Easter Bunny at a California mall was shot by a store owner chasing a shoplifter. The girl is expected to recover, and the Easter Bunny is now concealed-carry packing.

East coast convenience store chain Wawa is giving away free coffee all day Thursday in honor of their 56th anniversary. Doctors specializing in gastrointestinal illness are no longer accepting Friday appointments.

In the premiere episode of Hulu’s The Kardashians, Kim worries that a new sex tape may emerge from ex-boyfriend Ray J, asking “What if I was f***ing sleeping and he stuck a dildo up my ass?” Viewers were shocked to learn that Kim is an incredibly deep sleeper.

A woman glued her hand to the floor of the Minnesota Timberwolves basketball court during a game against the LA Clippers, to protest Wolves owner Glen Taylor’s treatment of chickens on his egg farms. The woman is less concerned about the treatment of horses used to make the glue.

Ryan Fischer, the man shot while walking Lady Gaga’s dogs, is concerned that the shooter was mistakenly released from jail due to a clerical error. He’s no longer walking the dogs, because they somehow managed to buy guns to defend themselves.

MSNBC announced Rachel Maddow’s show will only air on Mondays instead of every weeknight. Lesbian Democrats are disappointed, but happy that they just freed up four hours a week on their DVRs.

Gilbert Gottfried died, and edged past Norm Macdonald on Twitter posters’ list of Greatest Comedians Ever.

Ronald Reagan’s assassin John Hinckley sold out an upcoming concert this July in Brooklyn. He already considers himself more successful giving music a shot.

A manhunt is underway for Frank James, a person of interest in the New York subway shooting. Police are baffled since James rented a U-Haul in Philadelphia and managed to get out of that city without getting truckjacked.

Texas sent its first busload of immigrants to Washington D.C. Texas Governor Greg Abbott then fired his assistant after finding out she bought them all roundtrip tickets.

Following the ejection of first base coach Antoan Richardson, the San Francisco Giants replaced her with assistant coatch Alyssa Nakken, making her the first woman to coach on-field in an MLB game. The game went on for a while, because every signal she gave came with a ten-minute story.

Los Angeles gangs are responsible for a rash of recent violent crimes targeting the rich and famous in affluent neighborhoods. It’s so bad, MS-13 is now MS-90210.

A 5-foot by 6-foot stone slab was discovered during renovations at Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre, etched with grafitti left over the course of centuries. Translators determined the etchings were mostly “names and addresses of cute teenage boys”.

Britney Spears announced she’s pregnant with fiance Sam Asghari’s baby. But just in case, Kevin Federline petitioned for an increase in child support payments.

Etsy sellers are on strike to protest an increase in transaction fees. Sellers say the fee increase makes them feel almost as disappointed as someone receiving a gift bought on Etsy.

Following the planned closing of a K Mart in Avenel, New Jersey, just three K Marts will remain open in the United States. However, Steven Seagal will be appearing at the Grand Opening of the newest K Mart at the Kremlin.

Security for founder Mark Zuckerberg cost Facebook parent company Meta $27 million in 2021. $1 million for bodyguards, and $26 million for office workers to figure out his Facebook privacy settings.

A Belgian couple with 12 children named all of them with only the letters L, X, A & E. Names include Alex, Axel, Leax, Xela, etc. Then the woman got accidentally pregnant with a 13th child who they’ll name Floyd.

Elon Musk advocated turning all, or part, of Twitter’s headquarters into a homeless shelter since most employees are working from home. He’s not sure how big to make it, but he’ll start by housing 280 characters.

A self-driving electric taxi was pulled over by San Francisco police for operating without its lights on. The car then removed a Fleshlight from the glove compartment and asked if the cop really needed to write a ticket.

Google released the 100th Version of its Chrome Internet browser – then released the 101st version ten minutes later after a security breach in Version 100 .

In Cornville, Arizona, a javelina jumped into an open Subaru hatchback to eat a bag of Cheetos, became trapped, and knocked the shifter into neutral, causing it to roll away. A sheriff’s deputy opened the door, allowing the javelina to escape before later dying from eating Cheetos.

The Biden Administration will remove delinquency status from millions of student loan borrowers, making them ‘current’ and improving their credit scores, so they’ll soon be eligible to default on auto and home loans.

A New York City Housing Authority official was caught on video having sex with an unidentified woman during a Housing Authority Zoom meeting. The official was suspended; the woman had her rent waived for the month.

Rapper T.I. – who’s now performing stand-up comedy – was booed off the stage at the April Fools Comedy Jam at Brooklyn’s Barclays Center, just days after he ripped the wig off fellow comedian Lauren Knight during an argument at an open mic in Atlanta. Comedy club owners around the country consider T.I. “ready to headline”.

The Biden Administration and the Department of Justice are expected to crack down on untraceable, home-assembled firearms called ‘ghost guns’. Or, as referred to by lead DOJ Attorney Shaggy: “g-g-g-g-g -GHOST GUNS!!”

Donald Trump endorsed former tv quack Dr. Mehmet Oz for the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Pennsylvania. In turn, Oz looked at Trump’s physique and endorsed him for Mr. Universe.

Rapper Goonew – killed in a recent robbery – was memorialized at a D.C. nightclub with his embalmed corpse standing and leaning against a wall overlooking the dance floor. Mourners said he didn’t exactly look Goo-as-new.

Apple began manufacturing iPhone 13 in India – with students looking for activities during Spring Break.

Tish Cyrus filed for divorce from husband Billy Ray Cyrus. This is the third time their emotional achy has caused one of them to file for marital breaky.

Khloe Kardashian threw a huge, cat-themed 4th birthday party for her daughter, True. Baby daddy Tristan Thompson was interested in attending, since he heard that there was pussy everywhere.

Neurotic persons – those who encounter stress and behave with anger, self-consciousness & anxiety – are more likely to develop cognitive impairments later in life. On the bright side, that means they’ll forget how stressed-out and anxious they are.

Police arrested a Chicago-area man for burying his mother & sister in plastic containers in the backyard and cashing their Social Security checks. The man was jailed, and is no longer a Tupperware salesperson.

The City of Philadelphia says applications for gun permits increased 539% from 2020 to 2021. They say the only thing more impressive than the volume increase is the penmanship of the 10-year-olds filling out the applications.

Tiger Woods was caught on a hot mic muttering ‘f*ck off’ as his shot on the 9th hole at The Masters failed to stay on the green. Later he was caught muttering “f*ck on?” during a brief phone conversation with a hostess at a nearby Outback Steakhouse.

The United Nations voted to remove Russia from the Human Rights Council, but Russia gets first pick of countries to join the new Human Rights Violations Council.

Today’s SpaceX launch is the first to send tourists to the International Space Station. Exact pricing is not disclosed, but each passenger paid in the “tens of millions” – not counting the $750,000 t-shirts from the Space Station gift shop.

A DHL cargo jet broke in half while making an emergency landing at a Costa Rica airport. Following an FAA investigation and work from local welders, Spirit Airlines Cargo will make its maiden voyage from Costa Rica.

Tesla Motors will begin selling its all-electric Cybertruck next year. They’d planned to launch this year, but could not reach an agreement with Bob Seger, Toby Keith or John Mellencamp for music to use in the commercials.

Google Meet implemented a feature that will end a video call if no one else shows up after five minutes. They call it Google Ghosted.

Pink Floyd reunited for the first time in 28 years to release a song protesting the Ukraine invasion: ‘Hey Hey Rise Up‘. The B-side is a song about Vladimir Putin’s conscience called ‘Uncomfortably Numb‘.

April 8th is Dog Farting Awareness Day, started by dog lovers to highlight the ways a dog’s flatulence provides insight to their health. Dogs are using the day to highlight human’s wrongful habit of blaming their flatulence on nearby dogs.

Chris Brown announced the birth of a baby girl with Instagram model Diamond Brown. Chris said that, as a mom, Diamond is hard to beat.

Customers are suing Burger King, claiming the meat in their Whopper isn’t as big as it appears in promotional photos. The customers say they got the idea from people lodging similar complaints on Grindr.

For a single day last week, wind turbines provided more electricity than coal & nuclear power combined in the United States. Unfortunately, thousands of the homes powered by the turbines were destroyed in the tornados.

In a new poll, 63% of Americans say Russian President Vladimir Putin “cannot remain in power”. In the same poll, 100% of Americans say they “don’t plan on doing anything about it”.

15-year-old Anna Leigh Waters is the youngest Pickleball champion in the U.S., having won five doubles titles with her mother, and splitting $25 in prize money.

The United States expanded sanctions against Russia, freezing the assets of Vladimir Putin’s two daughters. “Buddy, why didn’t you tell me you had daughters?” asked Donald Trump.

Cracker Jack will begin selling Cracker Jill. There are no nuts, and Jill keeps asking to exchange the prize in them.

Parents unplugged the Ring security camera in their 3-year-old boy’s bedroom after he claimed a voice from it asked him if he wants ice cream. Before being unplugged, the voice said it owed the kid ice cream because he danced naked like he’d been asked to.

April 7th is both National Burrito Day and National Beer Day. April 8th is unofficially National Sexual Abstinence Day, which officially starts after dinner on April 7th.

Google now lets users combine text and images when conducting online searches. So far, the top search query is clothed photos with the text ‘do you have this, only naked?’

Kenan Thompson and his wife are divorcing, but are not commenting about What’s Up With That?

The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

Tiger Woods indicated that he may play in The Masters this week, after playing a practice round, and seeing the two new hostesses hired at the Perkins pancake restaurant in Augusta.

Three Republican Senators voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, then asked the location of this “cookout” everyone tells them they’re invited to now.

A new study that paid loyal Fox News viewers to switch to CNN for 30 days made them “less likely” to believe “fake news”. Although most of them said the money wasn’t enough to keep them from missing blond women with huge boobs reading the stories.

A Florida personal injury attorney was disbarred after running over four people outside a grocery store because she heard “voices” in her head. She described the voices as “tough and smart”.

A New Jersey high school student and a 7-year-old relative brought loaded semi-automatic weapons to school on Friday. The high schooler faces weapons charges, the 7-year-old is taking Gifted Student firearms classes.

Elon Musk now owns 9% of Twitter and has joined the company’s Board Of Directors. Coincidentally, trending hashtags now include #spacetravel #electriccars #solarpower and #pickingaweirdnameforyourkid .

A Portland, Oregon woman opened The Sports Bra – a bar that only shows women’s sports on the TVs. The ribbon was cut by gold medal soccer goalie Hope Solo, who then came back six days in a row to get drunk and drive home with her kids in the car.

Forbes Magazine claims the collective wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen to $12.7 trillion. Even worse, they’re not getting a lot of support on GoFundMe to save the superyachts and pro sports teams they bought.

A stranded bull was rescued from a backyard swimming pool in England. Onlookers were amazed by the effort to lift him out, and by the bulge in his Speedo.

An Amazon worker released a list of words and phrases allegedly banned from use on the company’s planned internal chat app, including “union”, “slave”, “plantation”, “restroom” & others. The restrictions are leaving many new employees unable to accurately describe their boat trip from remote continents to new Amazon jobs.