According to International Business Times, Queen Elizabeth II eats Special K cereal from a Tupperware bowl for breakfast most days — just like a regular person. Only three different servants feed it to her.

Democrat Kyrsten Sinema won the Arizona seat in the U.S. Senate, becoming the first openly bisexual U.S. Senator. “Alright!” said creepy Arizona men, before getting the explanation that “openly” doesn’t mean “open to anybody”.

Ozark, Missouri megachurch pastor John Lindell urged parishioners at his Assembly of God parish to stop going to yoga because it has “demonic roots”.  “This can’t be good for business!” said Ozark, Missouri’s top yoga instructor, Yogi Jethro.

CNN sued the Trump Administration, seeking the reinstatement of press credentials for barred reporter Jim Acosta.  White House lawyers promptly climbed the ladder that reaches to ceiling and put it on the pile of lawsuits.

Waka Flocka Flame announced that he’s ready to retire from rapping to start a family and become Waka Flocka Extinguished.

The Golden State Warriors are offering $100/month ‘In The Building Passes” to Oracle Arena, where fans can attend home games, but will have no seat and no view of live action except for TVs. They say the ‘not sitting and not seeing the game’ idea was inspired by fans bringing their 4-year-olds to games.

The FDA is recalling Losartan, a blood pressure medication, because it contains a cancer-causing impurity. Patients taking Losartan are being told to expect good news, then really bad news.

Petco announced that it will stop selling dog and cat food with artificial ingredients next year, a move hailed by house pets who eat excrement and garbage.

KFC added chicken & waffles to the menu for a limited time. People eating it can expect it to stay in their digestive system for a very, very limited time.

Marvel Comics pioneer Stan Lee died at age 95. His funeral will take place in two months. The eulogy is done, it’s just going to take a while to illustrate it.

 

Florida will hold a recount of votes for U.S. Senate and gubernatorial elections. The state Board of Elections put out a call for volunteers to report to election bureaus so highly-skilled Floridian counters can have some extra fingers for the really big numbers.

In Paris, a topless woman charged the motorcade carrying President Trump past a crowd of protesters. She was subdued by police before Trump had a chance to open his door and let her in.

Pabst Blue Ribbon is suing MillerCoors to extend a brewing agreement between the companies. Pabst claims that if the agreement is ended, they’ll go out of business. Attorneys for Pabst arrived at the hearing via an Uber Pool wearing flannel shirts, dirty boots and black wool stocking caps.

A new study by researchers at University of British Columbia and the Harvard TH Chan School of public health advises that women of all ages should wait a year between pregnancies. The study was conducted with the help of a lot of broke, tired, parents.

Another study from United Nations advocacy group FP2020 said that more women in the poorest countries are embracing forms of modern contraception. The report states that contraceptive use would be even higher if the men would stop hiding the condoms.

According to gossip site Radar Online, Kim Kardashian held a ‘quiet intervention’ for husband Kanye West after he continually refused to take his psychiatric meds. Then, Kanye arrived and it turned in to a ‘not quiet intervention’.

Next Monday night, the NFL’s best teams – the Kansas City Chiefs and Los Angeles Rams – play in Mexico City.  Betting odds put the game’s over/under at a record high 64 points, with another record over/under of 3 for visiting Chiefs & Rams players kidnapped by drug lords.

Nielsen says viewers age 18-to -34 watching traditional tv is down 15% this year, and has dropped 36% since 2014.  A spokesman at CBS said they’re not worried, that younger people will come stampeding back when word gets out about hip technology-focused shows like ‘God Friended Me’.

The Vatican told the U.S. Conference of Bishops to delay voting on measures to hold bishops accountable for victims of clergy sexual abuse — saying that Pope Francis had already spent the money on booze and ecstasy for one last huge altar boy rager.

Procter & Gamble said that it will reconfigure Tide detergent so that Amazon can ship it in a new eco-friendly box that dispenses the liquid. They’ll also set up a website to show millennials used to eating Tide Pods how to do Detergent Shots instead.

 

 

The Centers for Disease Control report that cigarette smoking has hit a new low – just 14% of U.S. adults. The reduction in young adult smokers, however, has made it that much more difficult for teenagers to decide who the cool people are to have sex with.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team has reportedly begun writing its final report on the Russia probe, based on feedback from customers at Staples who saw Mueller buying clear plastic binders to put on it before he hands it in.

40 more Sears & KMart locations are closing. The remaining locations are kicking off a Probably Going Out Of Business Sale.

Dwayne Wade & Gabrielle Union welcomed their first child together – delivered via a surrogate. Wade was credited with a steal.

Kim Kardashian visited San Quentin Prison in California, supposedly to check out programs offered for prisoners. She left after finding out there isn’t a program to sell movies of conjugal visits.

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show took place Thursday night in New York City. “Wow! Sexy!” said people doing their best to pretend that free Internet porn doesn’t exist.

Cable and satellite companies lost over 1 million video subscribers in Q3, an industry record. Operators attempted to call departed customers to win them back, but eventually hung up when the customers left them on hold for over a half-hour.

Thanks to a new website, Global Barter Week, you can exchange your skills and belongings for free stays vacation properties around the world. They say they got the idea from the women & men who trade sex for free stays at summer homes in the Hamptons.

Men on Reddit are sharing the best compliment they’ve ever received, but most are disappointed it wasn’t about the size of their penis.

Raging wildfires are forcing large-scale evacuations near Los Angeles, including some of the Kardashians’ homes near Calabasas. People are contacting local officials asking how they can donate to keep the fires near Kardashian homes going.

 

The White House revoked the credentials of CNN’s Jim Acosta, following his tense exchange at a press conference with President Trump, when Acosta touched the arm of an intern attempting to take his mic. “Touching the White House interns is forbidden unless you’re the President” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was hospitalized, as her doctors said she suffered three fractured ribs in a fall. Justices Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, Thomas & Roberts wrote their dissent that the ribs weren’t fractured after all.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was effectively fired, submitting a resignation letter at the request of President Trump on Wednesday. Trump supposedly authored the letter on Monday, but it took Sessions & staff two days to correct the spelling and grammar errors.

Among the candidates to replace Sessions as Attorney General — former NJ Governor and Trump Transition Team member Chris Christie. Adding Christie to Trump’s staff is believed to be an inside route to getting the White House one of those black ‘Free McDonald’s For Life’ cards.

Following a worldwide employee protest last week, Google is announcing new policies around sexual harassment in the workplace — doing so via one of the most uncomfortable Google Doodles you’ll ever watch.

Former reality tv star Anna Duggar sparked rumors of her being pregnant with her sixth child after video showed her with what could be a baby bump. Other Duggar women sparked bigger rumors after videos showed them with flat stomachs, shocking the world by not being pregnant for a couple of weeks.

Brody Roybal, two-time USA Paralympic sled hockey gold medalist, climbed Chicago’s Willis Tower’s 2,149 stairs using his upper body, arms & hands on Sunday. No word on when the elevators will be fixed.

Taco Bell announced “Party By Taco Bell”, a program that will allow people to book small gatherings in Taco Bell locations between November 24 and December 22. Party By Taco Bell can be used by families, groups of friends, or companies looking for a cheap way to say how much they hate their employees.

Reddit’s ‘Apple’ community is flooded with complaints over the company nickel-and-diming their users with charges for cloud storage, dongles and other fees making it more expensive to send penis pics to disgusted women.

Walmart announced its Black Friday electronics deals. They’ll start as early as 10pm on Thanksgiving night on Walmart.com, or via stampede in-person at Midnight.

 

 

A Delta Airlines passenger was outraged when he was forced to sit in a seat on his Atlanta-to-Miami flight that was “covered in feces” from a service dog on the prior leg of the flight. He still took it after flight attendants refused to clean it, and after 75 failed attempts asking other passengers to switch seats.

More than 100 women were elected to Congress, and are already working together around-the-clock on a bill to raise the thermostat in the Capitol building.

Following the mysterious fatal wreck of a Lion Air flight in Indonesia, Boeing issued a safety warning regarding the 737 MAX jet involved. Right now it’s just a sticker on the cockpit instrument panel that reads “Plane May Crash”, but they promise to dig in for more details.

Samsung is planning to introduce a new ‘flip smartphone’, so you can look even smarter in 1999.

Three managers at a home improvement company in China have been jailed after reportedly forcing employees to eat cockroaches and drink urine for missing sales targets. Video of the punishment surfaced on social media, and led to a shopper boycott of Human Atrocity Depot.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for making terroristic threats when, after being told he wasn’t registered to vote, said he was going to get a gun and come back and shoot workers. He was taken in custody wearing a “I Threatened To Shoot Up A Polling Place” sticker.

Guinness will release a new type of its classic stout, aged in bourbon barrels, hoping to capture the unmistakable scent of bourbon in the urine of drunks pissing themselves after blacking out in the bar.

Voters in San Francisco approved Proposition C, a ballot measure requiring high-revenue companies in the city to pay taxes to fight homelessness. The next step is for homeless people to decide which city they’ll fly to with their free airline ticket.

Under Armour said it will change its culture, following a Wall St Journal article alleging employees were free to put strip-club visits on their corporate cards. At first, Under Armour fought back, saying the strip club trips were to see if their jogbras and yoga pants were easily removed on stage.

Two St. Louis day care workers were charged with felonies after video from 2016 surfaced of a “fight club”; the workers gave 3-and-4-year-olds toy ‘Hulk hands’, then encouraged them to fight. A 6-year-old star witness is expected to testify, assured by prosecutors that he can keep his Championship Belt.

The Spice Girls officially announced their reunion tour, featuring four of the five original members. Group managers scoured cooking websites researching substitutes for Posh Spice.

Bloomberg reports that senior citizens are rapidly replacing teenagers as fast-food workers.  Older workers are desirable for their ‘soft’ skills like interacting with people, and because they generate less saliva to spit into customers’ food.

NBC News and Fox News are both pulling a Trump campaign ad portraying a migrant caravan traveling to the U.S./Mexico border as invaders and criminals. NBC News said that it was racist, and Fox News said that it wasn’t racist enough.

  • Facebook also banned the ad, but reminds everyone you can still post all the crazy racist crap you want on Facebook, you just can’t pay them to share it.

North Korea said that if the U.S. does not ease crippling sanctions against them, they could restart buildup of nuclear weapons. The North Koreans admitted they’ve dismantled some of their nuclear arsenal, but said it can be rebuilt fast since it’s made entirely out of Legos.

Lowe’s is closing 51 stores, all of which haven’t seen many highs.

The American Academy of Pediatrics wants to ban spanking, saying it does long-term damage to children. They also want to ban yelling at, shaming and humiliating children — leaving many parents asking what’s left for them to do.

Harvey Weinstein asked a judge to dismiss his sexual assault case entirely. The judge invited Weinstein to his chambers, where he sat wearing only a robe, and asked Weinstein for a massage.

Convenience store 7-Eleven is experimenting with self-checkout.  Customers can either use the 7-Eleven app to report what they stole while in-store, or grab cash at any of the unmanned registers if they’re just there to rob the place.

Loyal customers of a California donut shop are buying out the store’s inventory every day so the owner can close early and be with his wife, who’s in rehab after an aneurysm. The owner is also able to say hi to many loyal customers suffering diabetic shock after eating a dozen donuts each day.

Billionaire Bill Gates gave the keynote address at a Reinvented Toilet Expo in China. Gates spoke about safe waste disposal as a jar of human feces rested on a pedestal next to him. After the speech Gates stayed for dinner, while the jar of poop returned to the U.S. where it’s running for Congress as a Republican.

The FDA approved Dsuvia, a new opioid tablet 10 times stronger than fentanyl and 1,000 times stronger than morphine.  To curb potential abuse, it will only be used in extreme cases such as emergency rooms, or to take prior to joining your extended family for Thanksgiving dinner.

An 11-year-old in a Phoenix suburb, told by his live-in grandmother to clean his room, shot her, then shot himself. Officials said that the room is now an even bigger mess.

A university theater student in Pennsylvania was arrested for secretly using his iPhone to record women he knew using the bathroom.  The women became suspicious when they emerged from the bathroom and he congratulated them on passing their audition.

A Scottish fisherman was rescued from a cliff after he was confronted and cornered by an aggressive colony of about 50 gray seals protecting their young. He was lowered into a boat by the Coast Guard, who responded after a Scottish SEAL team took the animals’ side.

Hutch, a 13-year-old Belgian Malinois police dog in Boynton Beach, Florida – credited with taking part in over 200 arrests – has died .. just one week short of finally retiring and getting his pension.

An off-duty NYPD officer was arrested in Brooklyn and charged with DUI after driving the wrong way down a one-way street and striking a parked car. He was taken into custody when on-duty NYPD officers saw the drunk cop giving himself a field sobriety test.

Susan Westwood, 51, of North Carolina, was shown on viral video harassing two black women waiting for AAA vehicle assistance. Westwood insulted them and bragged about being white, hot, and making $125,000 working for Spectrum Cable. She was fired from Spectrum, where she was a supervisor harassing people who were late paying their bill.

Beginning today, Amazon will offer free shipping to all its customers for items arriving in time for Christmas. Amazon’s warehouse workers and delivery drivers responded to the increased workload by increasing the size of bottles they urinate in from 16-ounce to two-liter.

Jury selection began Monday in the drug trafficking trial of legendary drug lord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. The NYPD closed the Brooklyn Bridge to transport El Chapo from a Manhattan prison to the Brooklyn trial. El Chapo said it was unnecessary, since his employees had already built a special tunnel.

  • So far, prosecution attorneys have sent home several dozen prospective jurors who greeted El Chapo by name as they entered the courtroom.

Kim Kardashian said that husband Kanye West is harassing her to expand their family to seven children. Kardashian told a friend she doesn’t know if her body could handle the stress of watching so many surrogates have her kids.

Jeopardy! & Wheel of Fortune were both renewed through 2022, delighting game show fans who enjoy feeling really dumb for a half-hour, then kinda smart for the next half-hour.

The WNBA Players Association opted out of their collective bargaining agreement, in a bold move to try and get sports fans to remember the WNBA during its offseason.

Tennessee executed a convicted double murderer using the electric chair for the first time since 2007, surprising prison officials since it started on the first pull.

Avril Lavigne talked to an Australian radio station, addressing a fringe theory that she died and was replaced with a body double. “That’s so dumb, I’m the real April Lavigne!” she said.

Airports in Hungary, Latvia & Greece will add lie detector tests to screen passengers boarding flights. Anyone on a window seat found lying about the number of times they’ll use the restroom will be turned away.

Amazon will be the exclusive seller of 4,500 bottles of rare 19-year-old Bowmore French Oak Single Malt Scotch. 3,000 bottles are expected to survive being tossed on to front porches.

KitchenAid is releasing a commemorative Misty Blue color of its iconic stand mixer to commemorate the brand’s 100th Anniversary. Cooks will love the retro look of it as they shove it to the back corner of the kitchen counter to clear room for appliances they actually use.

Delta Air Lines unveiled the first of 75 brand-new Airbus A220-100 jetliners joining their fleet in the next several years. It’s the first airliner of its size to have non-metal wings, electric brakes instead of hydraulic brakes, and an easy-to-find black box for when the non-metal wings snap and the electric brakes fail.

A Michigan dad driving a minivan carrying his trick-or-treating 3-year-old son ran over the boy – twice – after he fell out of the back of it.  The boy was treated for minor leg injuries, and the Dad finally got the fun-size Snickers bars he’d demanded from his son.

Jersey Shore star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino married longtime girlfriend Lauren Pesce, before reporting to prison to serve his eight-month term for tax fraud. He will be honeymooning with his cellmate.

 

A drunk American Airlines baggage handler fell asleep in the cargo hold of a Boeing 737 and flew from Kansas City to Chicago. He was suspended from work, but made friends with five or six dogs he met on the trip.

Uber announced Uber Pro, a new loyalty program for drivers that offers perks like extra pay, online college courses, vehicle dent repair, and defense attorneys specializing in sexual harassment.

A 26-year-old woman, naked from the waist down, fell through the ceiling of a Cook Out burger & barbecue restaurant in Kingsport, Tennessee, twice. After falling through the ceiling in to the kitchen the first time, the manager told her to put on a hair net, which she did, then dropped in to the kitchen again.

A man stabbed two coworkers at a Pittsburgh bar when they were telling him he was fired. The man received no severance, while the coworkers are expected to recover after being severed.

A Mississippi man was thrown out of a bar’s Halloween party for wearing a Ku Klux Klan costume. The man claimed it was an honest mistake, that he just showed up a night early for his regular meeting.

A 53-year-old woman survived 6 days in the Arizona desert after her car crashed and was left suspended in a tree. The woman told her rescuers that she actually stayed in the treed car for three days, but finally set out on foot because Google Maps would only say “rerouting”.

Megyn Kelly’s belongings were rapidly gathered and removed from her NBC News office on October 24, the day after her infamous ‘blackface’ comments. “Man, there’s a lot of shoe polish in here” said an intern holding a cardboard box.

The owner of a vegetarian restaurant in Bangkok allegedly tried to cover up a murder by serving the flesh of the victim to diners. Patrons complained that they found minced meat in their noodles. The owner/suspect remains at large, but police are hoping to trace him from his responses to angry one-star Yelp! reviews.

An experiment from The National Toxicology Program using 3,000 rodents found positive, but sparing, evidence that cellphone radio waves raise the risk of brain cancer in male rats. They also found definitive evidence of brain cancer in female rats from cellphones, since their conversations were 10 times longer.

Carnival Cruises confirmed an issue with its Carnival Sunshine vessel, causing the ship to tilt to one side.  Carnival said it was a malfunctioning fin stabilizer, passengers said it was a malfunctioning buffet, causing them to all rush to one side of the boat to vomit.

Robotic dogs, seals and bears are being deployed at nursing homes and elder care facilities throughout Japan to monitor the health of residents. They want to add robotic love dolls, but they’re still trying to get the wrinkles just right.

Rumors are circulating that Nicki Minaj is pregnant. Observers are trying to figure out which bump to look at to confirm it.

After refuting claims of lead contamination and declaring on a municipal website, “NEWARK’S (NJ) WATER IS ABSOLUTELY SAFE TO DRINK”, officials acknowledge an issue and have given out 40,000 water filters. The website has been updated to read “WHY ARE YOU STILL LIVING IN NEWARK?”

Google employees are planning a walkout on Thursday to protest their executives’ handling of sexual misconduct. The route will take five minutes on foot, according to Google Maps.

Convicted mobster James “Whitey” Bulger was murdered at a federal prison in in West Virginia, and is now known as Red-&-Whitey Bulger.

The Centers for Disease Control have called sleep deprivation a public health crisis, saying that one-third of Americans don’t get enough sleep, and that millions of Americans voted for a guy who reportedly only sleeps four hours a night.

Apple said they’re halting the release of Apple watchOS 5.1, following user complaints that the update is “bricking” their watches and forcing them to look at their iPhones to see what time it is.

Apple also released a new iPad that removes the home button and can only be unlocked with Face ID. This hands-free approach received the full endorsement of people who watch porn on their iPad.

A startup company is opening a new chain of hotels, Life House. What makes Life House different is that is has its own closed social network so that guests can meet strangers while traveling. Until it receives an official name, the social network is being called “Hooking Up At The Hotel Bar”.

CVS drugstores are experimenting with a new membership program, where a $5 monthly spend gets you $10 in store credit. The program is being tweaked after oxycontin addicts quickly rolled up $5,000 store credit in several days.

An Alabama woman dressing for Halloween required emergency surgery to remove the $3 vampire teeth that became stuck in her mouth. The dentist said the woman’s surgery was difficult because she’s one of the few people in Alabama with real teeth for the fake ones to stick to.

The NFL Cleveland Browns fired coach Hue Jackson, just days after the NBA Cleveland Cavaliers fired their coach Ty Lue. “Goodnight Lue. Goodnight Hue..”

A couple on a Carnival Cruise alerted the crew to the presence of a camera recording activity in their cabin. After inspecting the camera, a crewman asked if they’d like to switch rooms with a much better looking couple.

Off the coast of Monterey, California, the world’s largest deep-sea octopus nursery was discovered, with over 1,000 female octopuses struggling to get all eight of their newborns’ legs in their onesies.

A same-sex married female couple are the first to carry the same baby in each of their bodies. Bliss Coulter started by carrying the baby until eggs fertilized in her body, then the embryos were transferred to her wife, Ashleigh, who later delivered the baby. Other lesbians have viewed their DIY YouTube video over a million times.

The New England Patriots were expected to discipline wide receiver Josh Gordon for lateness by benching him for the first quarter of their game in Buffalo against the Bills. They decided to start Gordon anyway, and punish him by leaving him in Buffalo for an extra day.

HYLA Mobile, a smartphone trade-in company, reports that Americans are waiting longer than ever – an average of 2.8 years – to upgrade their phone. The study excludes owners who buy the insurance and spike their phone on the sidewalk once they’re sick of it.

Reese’s will put out a vending machine in NYC that lets trick-or-treaters deposit unwanted treats to trade for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. No word on whether the machine accepts drugs and needles.

A school bus driver in Texas was arrested for attempting to drive through a barricade and into raging floodwaters with a student riding on the bus…and three more students water-skiing behind it.

Four shots were fired into a Republican Party office in Florida, which is how Republicans had asked to be notified that their pizza arrived.

AT&T claims that it’s made a world’s-first 5G connection, which it used to tell recipients their rates are going up on account of their awesome 5G connection.

Cesar Sayoc, suspect in a plot to mail pipe bombs to critics of President Trump, is a former collegiate soccer player, body builder and male dancer.  Pipe Bomber was also his stripper name.

A Sun Country Airlines pilot was arrested and accused of bringing a gun to his flight from a Florida airport. The pilot made no commentary, but his attorney said that you’d understand if you saw the people who fly on Sun Country Airlines.

Humanetics, a designer & maker of automobile crash test dummies, said that they’re making larger dummies because Americans are getting bigger. They’re also trying to make the dummies more accurate by teaching them how to text.

  • Humanetics is the second-largest maker of fat motionless dummies, trailing only Fox News.

E! Network plastic-surgery-correction show ‘Botched’ returns for a fifth season. The newest episode features Pixee Fox, a woman who says she’s had 200 surgeries, including designing some of her own, such as transplanting pubic hair to her eyebrows, and the surgical removal of crab lice from her eyebrows.

American Airlines passenger & fashion designer Anna Knight claims her checked bag was returned with all of her belongings stolen and replaced with ‘airport equipment’. And by ‘airport equipment’ she meant stuff that baggage handlers stole from other luggage that they didn’t want.

The Simpsons is reportedly dropping the Apu character altogether, disappointing those who were hoping he’d .. come again!

NBC News announced that Megyn Kelly Today will not return in the 9a.m. time slot, and that Kelly’s spot will be taken by other Today anchors. Insiders say that Kelly would like to return to her old job at Fox News, but Fox execs say they’re happy with the team of racists that already work there.

In an effort to win back users, Snapchat will debut a longform sci-fi thriller story told in a series of texts. The thriller is called ‘Dark Matter’ and is said to focus on faceless images of big black body parts that disappear.

Hershey introduced ‘Hot Cocoa Kisses’, its first holiday-only Hershey Kisses flavor in ten years. Hershey said they’re excited to ring in the season with a new way to drive winter weight gain and type 2 diabetes.

McRib is back for a limited time at McDonald’s restaurants, according to a new Surgeon General’s warning.

The search continues for the person or persons sending explosive packages to Democrats and critics of President Trump. The word ‘Florida’ is misspelled in the return address, narrowing the list of suspects to all current & former Florida public school students.

  • UPDATE: A Florida man has been identified as the suspect and is being detained by police in a local sinkhole.

Paul Dorr, director of a pro-life, pro-family group in Iowa, publicly shared a video burning four library books with pro-LGBTQ messages. Dorr may face legal action, but in the meantime has been banned from story hour.

A 68-year-old New Jersey man was arrested for a 10-month spree dropping piles of dirty diapers at intersections in Franklin Township.  The slippery diapers were blamed for at least one motorcycle accident, and ruining the shoes of the marching band in the July 4th parade.

NBC News anchor and Today Show host Megyn Kelly is rumored to be negotiating her exit from the network, disappointing white suburban moms hoping for last-minute tips dressing their kids as Beyonce or Jay-Z for Halloween.

A Florida prison guard and his wife were arrested for accepting bribes in exchange for smuggling McDonald’s food, chicken wings and a cell phone to an inmate. The two were arrested after the inmate downloaded Uber Eats and attempted to have 10 Big Mac value meals delivered to his cell.

The NFL fired down judge Hugo Cruz for missing a false start call that led to a Los Angeles Chargers touchdown in a game he was officiating. The NFL Referees Association said they’ve filed a grievance on a yellow handkerchief tossed into Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office.

A New York Times article addresses the departures of two top Google executives — Andy Rubin & Amit Singhal — each of whom were paid millions after acts of sexual misconduct. Google is concerned that other executives are asking ‘who do I need to sexually abuse to get an eight-figure severance around here?’

McLaren showed off a 1,035-horsepower, three-seat hybrid supercar costing over $2 million. McLaren said the low emission hybrid drivetrain is meant to save trees while you drive the overpowering car into them.

Snapchat is losing users in the wake of a redesign and competition from Instagram. Snapchat announced daily active users dropped 1%, to 186 million — but investors were more concerned that power users posted 5% fewer pics of their breasts and penises.

Ayal Lanternari has a hit new product – Nanobebe, a baby bottle that spreads milk into a thin layer so that it can be microwaved without hot spots or nutrient damage. The bottle is also shaped like a breast, making it extremely popular with nursing children and grownup creeps.

 

Grovetown, Georgia is requiring registered sex offenders in the area to report to a municipal facility on Halloween night for ‘childrens’ safety’. However, trick-or-treaters are appealing for leniency, once they found out the offenders were planning to hand out full-size KitKat bars.

More suspicious explosive packages have been identified, delivered to Vice President Joe Biden and actor Robert Deniro. Deniro notified police when he received an email from UPS reading “your shipment of pipe bomb has been delivered!”

Following her now-infamous Halloween-costume blackface comments Tuesday on the Today show, Megyn Kelly opened Wednesday’s show saying “I want to open with two words: I’m sorry.” Kelly’s time slot aired a rerun on Thursday. Her Friday segment will start with “I want to open with two words: I’m fired.”

A caravan of migrants fleeing Central America for the United States has grown to approximately 10,000. Or, as Sean Spicer called it, two million.

President Trump denied using a personal iPhone that can be bugged by Russian and Chinese spies. This, as Chief of Staff John Kelly translated iMessages received in Russian and Chinese reading “speak up.”

Duchess Meghan Markle was photographed at an event in Tonga wearing a red dress with a tag hanging off of the hem. She had just arrived there from Australia, where she dedicated the grand opening of Brisbane’s newest TJ Maxx.

Google released ‘Night Sight’ mode for its Pixel smartphones, a low-light camera setting that its makers claim will save you from ever having to use the flash again. “It really is terrific!” say Peeping Toms looking at their latest Pixel snaps.

Starbucks opened a first-of-its-kind location in Washington, DC, where every employee is fluent in American Sign Language — providing a long-awaited opportunity for pretentious deaf douchebags to sign a 90-second order and still see the wrong name written on their cup.

The FDA approved Genentech’s Xofluza, a new oral medication for treatment of the flu. It’s to be taken within 48 hours of showing symptoms, or not taken at all if you’d rather just miss a full week of work.

Jamie Lee Curtis said that she was paid just $8,000 for her role in the original ‘Halloween’. Worse, the guy who played Michael Myers just got to keep his wardrobe and the knives.

 

Actress Jamie Lee Curtis told People magazine that she is in recovery from a 10-year opiate addiction. She was originally prescribed pain killers to recover from non-lethal stab wounds suffered during terrible ‘Halloween’ sequels.

Duchess Meghan Markle’s wedding dress will go on public display for the first time since her May 19th wedding, after a fourth dry cleaner successfully got all of the embarrassing stains out of it.

Megyn Kelly apologized for insensitive remarks on the Today Show, regarding children wearing blackface as part of Halloween costumes. Kelly said she got carried away remembering all the candy she got when she trick-or-treated as Donna Summer.

McDonald’s is expanding its breakfast menu, offering bigger “triple stack” versions of McMuffin and McGriddles sandwiches. Head of Culinary Innovation Mike Haracz said the items are a result of seeing customers ‘hack’ the McDonald’s menu — which everyone assumed to mean hacking it back up in the parking lot.

Apple CEO Tim Cook spoke to CNN’s Christiane Amanpour, telling her that being gay ‘is God’s greatest gift to me’. Cook added that it was difficult choosing a greatest gift, since he’s also been blessed with billions of dollars and bountiful underage overseas factory labor.

Suspicious packages containing explosives were mailed to the home of Bill & Hillary Clinton, and an office used by President Barack Obama. Canines were able to detect the explosives because the packages also contained Trump Steaks.

Rumors circulate that Khloe Kardashian and NBA player Tristan Thompson may have finally broken up, as she remains in Los Angeles while he lives in Cleveland playing for the Cavaliers. “Oh no!” said Thompson, barely audible beneath a pile of groupies.

Nina Kroupianova, wife of white supremacist Richard Spencer, filed for divorce, saying that Spencer was physically, emotionally & financially abusive. Kroupiianova said she can’t believe that this is the same loving bigot she married.

PETA is being criticized for their tweet urging people to stop drinking milk, since they claim it’s a ‘symbol used by white supremacists’. “Damnit, they’re on to us” said the Grand Imperial Holstein at a Cu Clux Cow rally.

A lawsuit filed in the San Francisco Bay Area alleges that 263 priests are sex abusers. “Hmm. Seems a little low..” said Pope Francis.

Dozens more breakfast foods have tested positive for trace amounts of weed killer glyphosate, better known as Roundup. Parents are reportedly feeding their kids Cheerios, then sending them outside to piss on dandelions to kill them.

 

Scientists in Zurich have developed a lightweight virtual reality glove that simulates holding and touching objects that aren’t really there. It was developed so that the scientists could finally experience what it’s like to get to second base.

WOW Air will discontinue round trip flights from St. Louis to Reykjavik, Iceland. WOW said the decision was a combination of low demand, and complaints from St. Louis passengers who bought tickets to Iceland thinking they were landing in Buffalo.

White House adviser Jared Kushner, addressing the Saudi response to the disappearance of writer Jamal Khashoggi, said that Saudi Crown Prince Muhammad bin Salman must provide ‘full transparency’. Prince MBS misunderstood, and texted Kushner pictures of 8 of his wives in see-through robes.

Elon Musk said that a high-speed transit tunnel beneath Los Angeles from his Boring Company debuts December 10th, with free rides offered to the public on December 11th. No word on how private citizens sign up for the free rides, especially since rats with travel plans are already lined up.

Sarah Silverman said on the Howard Stern show that she sometimes allowed Louis C.K. to masturbate in front of her; but added that it reached a point where, when Louis asked if she wanted to see his new five minutes, she said no.

Thousands of Swedes are having microchips embedded in their thumbs by a company called Biohax. The chips act as wireless entry keys, e*tickets and travel passes. And when you shove your thumb up your ass, Biohax senses you’re bored and summons ideas of things for you to do.

In India, the brother of a 72-year-old man who died after 20 wild monkeys threw rocks at him from a nearby tree wants the monkeys to be charged. The local chief of police refused, saying it would make the police a laughingstock — and that, despite dozens of interrogation attempts, none of the monkeys are talking.

The ‘Wonder Woman’ sequel – ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ – has been delayed from a November, 2019 release to June, 2020 — surprising no one who’s ever waited for a woman to get ready.

Kendall Jenner lashed out at TMZ for sharing her home address, since a stalker has twice been arrested at Jenner’s home. Her publicist then called TMZ to tell them which clubs and restaurants she’ll be visiting for the remainder of the week.

Federal prosecutors in the District of Columbia have set up a hotline so victims can report clergy abuse by Catholic priests.  Your call is important to them. Due to large volume, your estimated hold time is approximately 90 minutes.

 

Comcast announced it’s rolled out 1 Gigabit/second speed availability to all of its residential internet customers. They’re encouraging people to sign up for the service and experience speeds about one-tenth as fast as advertised.

Greg Lansky, owner of Strike 3 Entertainment — a man who calls himself “the Steven Spielberg of porn” — is suing 40 ‘John Does’ in the Buffalo, NY area for pirating his adult content. The defendants have not been named, but dozens of 15-year-old boys are moving their allowances into offshore Cayman Islands accounts.

A school cafeteria manager in Nebraska resigned after admitting he made and sold chili to students containing kangaroo meat.  At a track meet the next day, a student broke the decades-old high jump record by a full foot.

Senator Mitch McConnell and his wife, Elaine Chao, were confronted by angry protesters on Friday night as they dined at a Cuban restaurant. McConnell said he was just there to enjoy his food and help ICE agents load a truck full of servers for deportation to Cuba.

A 22-year-old man arrested at Baltimore-Washington International Airport for possessing a firearm in his luggage blamed his mother, who he said did his packing.  As evidence, the man submitted a note attached to the .40 caliber rifle, reading “Have fun shooting someone! Call me. Love, Mom.”

Saudi Arabia confirmed that missing writer Jamal Khashoggi is dead. They said he was being interrogated when a fistfight broke out and he died. Asked where his body is, the Saudis said they gave it to a mortician, but that he got into a fistfight with a competing mortician and now they can’t find it.

Video surfaced of a male Coral Springs, Florida police officer repeatedly punching  the ribs of a 14-year-old girl, subdued and lying face-down on the ground outside of a mall. “I paid $49 for this?…” said UFC fight fans before realizing it wasn’t video of a UFC-sanctioned event.

Denis Hof, a Nevada entrepreneur who owned & operated two legal brothels, the Bunny Ranch & Love Ranch, died last week. Paramedics arrived to treat an ‘unresponsive male’, and were surprised to find a lifeless body, because ‘unresponsive males’ at the Bunny Ranch are usually treated with Cialis.

A large, inflatable walk-through colon was stolen from the University of Kansas Cancer Center. Meanwhile, an oversized rectum is being flown to Texas to appear at a campaign rally for Senator Ted Cruz.

A new study claims that adults can reduce their risk of cancer by eating organic. A poll of Americans asking if they’d rather do their weekly shopping at Whole Foods or get cancer was a toss-up.

 

Uber is reportedly developing an on-demand staffing business, where small business operators and event planners can hire security guards, waiters & other temporary hires to sexually harass guests and coworkers.

Kleenex, responding to calls of sexism, is renaming their extra-large tissues currently branded as Mansize. “Whatever”, said a guy masturbating.

An off-duty Delta Airlines flight attendant is taking legal action after he was recorded in a cabin lavatory having a sexual encounter with gay porn star Austin Wolf. Meanwhile, everyone else wonders how two men, a director, a camera operator and a lighting tech all fit in an airplane bathroom.

A Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Dallas made an emergency landing in Albuquerque after a male passenger became belligerent over being moved because the woman next to him was harassed by his unwanted game of “footsie”. She said she finally complained when the game of “footsie” turned into “penissie”.

Presidential daughter-in-law Lara Trump told Fox News that the ‘Kavanaugh effect’ is inspiring women to vote for Republicans. Asked what the ‘Kavanaugh effect’ means, she said it’s like Stockholm Syndrome, only you sympathize with your sexual assailant.

Tesla founder Elon Musk said that he’s launching ‘Teslaquila’, a new tequila brand.  You can drink it while the car drives itself.

Rihanna reportedly turned down an offer to perform at halftime of the 2019 Super Bowl. A source claims that it was a show of support for Colin Kaepernick, and also because producers wouldn’t guarantee they could hide the bag she needs to carry a tune.

Andrew Wallet, the conservator of Britney Spears’ estate, is demanding to be paid $426,000/year because he claims his fiscal management has kept Spears from drugs and other financial mistakes during her Las Vegas residency. He’s also seeking damages for pain & suffering from having to watch her shows so many times.

The NBA is reportedly fining players for getting visible tattoos of corporate logos. J.R. Smith and Lonzo Ball have been asked to cover their Supreme streetwear and Big Baller logo tatts, respectively, because neither are league sponsors. Another player was asked to cover his Payless Shoes logo because it’s just embarrassing.

The first U.S. case of Andes Virus has been recorded by the Centers for Disease Control. The virus is carried by rats and was contracted by a 29-year-old female hiker returning from the Andes region. U.S. customs officials are taking steps to screen travelers returning from the region – especially backpacking rats.

 

Tom Brady’s son turns 16 today. He was given a big hug by his grandmother, who was promptly flagged for unnecessary roughness.

President Trump said he’ll ask each of his cabinet secretaries to cut their budgets by five percent to reduce federal spending. Education secretary Betsy Devos was the first to finish her homework, dropping her $10 billion budget by $50.

The Houston Astros were denied a two-run home run on a call of fan interference in their game against the Boston Red Sox, despite video showing that the fan did not reach over the fence to try to catch the home run ball. Boston fans said the Houston fan made a mistake trying to catch the ball instead of dumping a beer on the outfielder’s head.

In a new book, physicist Stephen Hawking writes that there is no God. And since it was published after his death, you just know that he’s right.

A report from the United Nations Population Fund states that 40% of births in the U.S. are to unmarried couples, most of whom are living together — at least for a little while.

Two ISIS terrorists got hair transplants in Turkey in an attempt to disguise themselves before heading to Germany for an attack. The plan was foiled when the terrorists became upset with the stylist’s color results and threatened to blow up the beauty salon.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo returned from Saudi Arabia, where he met officials to ask about the disappearance of writer Jamal Khashoggi. Pompeo said he advised “giving the Saudis a few days” to investigate. The Saudis then ramped up their investigation with bleach, new flooring & wallpaper.

Facebook has a dedicated political ‘war room’ at its headquarters, where policy, security & legal teams identify and take action to remove misinformation ahead of 2018 elections. It’s intense work, so the teams take occasional breaks to relax and make money selling users’ personal information.

Baltimore’s police union expressed its displeasure at a Saturday Night Live skit depicting female Baltimore police officers sexually harassing a man at a traffic stop. Baltimore police said it was inappropriate, and wished it was a more accurate skit depicting officers battering a suspect instead.

Friends say that Khloe Kardashian hasn’t decided whether to break up with partner Tristan Thompson, saying she needs time to decide how it will impact her family and tv ratings.

 

President Trump warned of a rush to judgment regarding the disappearance of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, who vanished after entering the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul. Critics say Trump is giving room for the Saudis to deny involvement, and a chance to give Trump tips on how to make reporters disappear.

Trump also posted a gloating tweet after Stormy Daniels’ defamation lawsuit against him was dismissed, calling her “horseface”. A self-satisfied Trump then spent an hour applying bronzer and a second hour fixing his combover.

No winners were declared in the record Mega Millions lottery, swelling the current jackpot to $868 million — and keeping revenge fantasies alive for at least two more days.

Roseanne Barr’s character on series reboot The Conners was killed off by a opioid overdose.  The fictitious death was confirmed by an autopsy, because apparently lower-middle-class nobodies get full-blown autopsies in the impoverished Midwest town where The Conners live.

Research published in medical journal PLOS Medicine suggests that people who consume large quantities of dairy fat like cheese lessen their risk of developing Type 2 diabetes — mainly because heart disease kills them before they have a chance.

North Carolina resident Jimmy Shue said that he gave his first name to a Wendy’s employee to confirm his order, but when he picked it up, the name ‘Chubby’ was written on it. Shue says he was targeted because of his weight, but a Wendy’s spokesperson said that’s the default name they put on everyone’s receipts.

Canada ended an almost-hundred-year ban on marijuana as the country legalized and regulated its sale for recreational use.  So far, the top-selling flavor is plain, followed by maple.

In Illinois, Dr. Constantino Perales was sentenced to 12 years in prison after being found guilty of giving oxycodone and Xanax prescriptions in exchange for sex. Dr Perales is expected to work in the prison infirmary, exchanging drugs for much less appealing sex.

A neuroscience professor at Emory University using MRI scans said he has proven that dogs are capable of understanding the words that humans say to them. He theorizes that cats understand human words too, they just don’t care.

Melania Trump visits Philly today for an appearance at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital to promote a new offshoot of her Be Best campaign, called Not For Nothin Youse Should, Like, Be Best — Y’Know?

 

 

A federal judge dismissed Stormy Daniels’ defamation suit against President Trump, saying that Trump calling Daniels’ claims of threats & harassment “a total con job” was just ‘rhetorical hyperbole’. The judge added that he can’t really remember Trump using language that wasn’t ‘rhetorical hyperbole’.

Former American Idol Season 6 contestant Antonella Barba was arrested & charged with dealing heroin.  Her next performance will be a blues number.

Los Angeles Dodgers announcing legend Vin Scully declined an invite from Fox Sports’ Joe Buck to join him in the broadcast booth during the Dodgers/Brewers playoff game. Scully said that he wouldn’t want to get in the broadcasters’ spotlight in any way, especially if it meant listening to Joe Buck.

A Tennessee father attacked his son with a chainsaw, then lost his leg when the son ran over him with a riding lawn mower in self-defense. The father was charged with second-degree attempted murder, and neighbors were left wondering who was going to clean up the huge mess in the yard.

Lady Gaga confirmed her engagement to talent agent Christian Carino, or, as he’ll soon be known, Lord Gaga.

A New England Patriots fan who dumped beer on Kansas City wide receiver Tyreek Hill has been identified and had his case turned over to local law enforcement. He has also been banned from all Gillette Stadium events – but was spotted at a local Halloween store buying a disguise for a Kenny Chesney concert.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren made public results of a DNA test that she says proves her claim of Native American heritage. The DNA was swabbed from a deck of cards at an Indian casino where she worked as a blackjack dealer.

Will Smith appeared on wife Jada Pinkett Smith’s Facebook show, ‘Red Table Talk’ to discuss a low point in their marriage. Will Smith said that his wife ” woke up and cried for 45 days straight.” Jada said that she was drinking too much, and had also just watched ‘After Earth’.

Singer Roger Daltrey said in a new memoir he discovered he had fathered three ‘secret’ daughters in the time between his first and second marriages. “Who are you? Who? Who?” he asked them.

An article by Gizmodo claims that the ‘Do Not Track’ privacy feature in web browsers doesn’t work because websites refuse to abide by it. This was noticed by a guy receiving a gift basket on his fifth anniversary buying Pornhub Premium.

 

 

 

Two female bachelorettes competing on Asian tv show ‘Bachelor: Vietnam’ have reportedly dropped out of the competition so that they could have a romantic relationship with each other. This confused The Bachelor, who thought he was going to be part of the show’s first threesome.

A class action suit being brought by Asian-Americans is alleging racial bias in Harvard University’s student admissions process. “See, I knew it was fixed!” said an Asian kid with an 1100 combined SAT score in his dorm at Arizona State.

Apple acquired music analytics firm Asaii, which claims that its algorithms filter social media and streaming music to predict which unsigned artists will become “the next Justin Bieber.” So far, Asaii has found zero Justin Biebers and millions of Annoying Friends asking you to come watch them sing Taylor Swift covers at open mic.

Apple released a series of Apple Watch ‘how to’ videos over the weekend. They include “How to start a workout”; “How to use Emergency SOS”; and “How to corner your friends and coworkers into asking about your new Apple Watch.”

President Trump was interviewed on 60 Minutes and said that he treated alleged sexual assault victim Christine Blasey Ford with respect, adding that it doesn’t matter because “we won”. It was unclear in Trump’s mind whether “we” referred to conservatives, or men who get away with sexual assault.

Scientists at Caltech and University of Quebec have developed the world’s fastest camera, capable of capturing 10 trillion frames per second. The camera can capture the progress of a beam of light in slow motion, but the scientists’ dads still managed to take out-of-focus photos of their own necks pointing it the wrong way.

In a posthumously published book, physicist Stephen Hawking warns the unchecked growth of artificial intelligence could wipe out humanity. Hawking warns humans will need to build safeguards to slow down super robots, such as coding kill switches or making the robots want to eat at Chipotle.

Sears declared bankruptcy after being unable to make a $134 million debt payment that was due on Monday. Sears tried to raise the cash by returning truckloads of Craftsman tools and Toughskins jeans to Amazon, but they were only offered store credit.

Sony PlayStation 4 owners are reportedly seeing their consoles seize up and crash due to a malicious message. The message is from the gamers’ moms saying if they don’t get jobs, they’re smashing the PlayStation.

A new viral Facebook hoax has emerged, this one warning of the dangers of cloned accounts. Facebook says safeguards are in place to prevent cloning, but that users whose friends have a cloned account may enjoy the ability to unfriend them twice.

 

Mohammed Dewji, Africa’s youngest billionaire, was kidnapped while using the fitness center at a luxury hotel in Tanzania. Law enforcement officials are questioning how the perpetrators got in, and others are questioning how the Ramada Inn of Tanzania qualifies as a luxury hotel.

Melania Trump claims in an interview that she’s the most bullied person in the world – citing repeated, unwanted sexual advances she gets almost every day from an overweight man in his 70s.

In the wake of Hurricane Michael’s devastating landfall, President Trump was briefed on relief efforts for the Florida panhandle. After that briefing, Trump asked for another one to discuss how the rest of the pan was doing.

Kanye West visited the White House. Cameras caught him unlocking his iPhone with the passcode 000000.  When video of the passcode went viral, West quickly asked his assistant to update it to 000001.

West told the President that he’d been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, but that the real problem was sleep deprivation. Kanye added that the sleep deficit could lead to dementia in 10 to 20 years. Trump sleeps 4 hours a night and is about 30 years older than West, so America is doing the math.

Neil Patrick Harris appeared on The View, and told host Whoopi Goldberg that when he was 15, he did a movie with her. At the end of the shoot, Harris said Goldberg told him “in 10 years time, she was going to have sex with me.” Harris told the story after being asked when he knew he was gay.

Researchers in China have successfully bred mice from same-sex parents. The mice pups from two female parents survived, but the mice pups bred from two male parents died soon after birth, because the two dads were terrible at both breastfeeding and cooking.

A man who identified himself as a police officer from Mexico was caught with 50 pounds of methamphetamine in his car after being pulled over in Southern California. Asked what he doing with all of the meth, he said he was Door Prize Coordinator for the Mexican Policeman’s Ball.

A 2017 study from the American Cancer Society shows that obesity is the cause for sharply rising colorectal cancer rates among people in their 20s and 30s, and in their 200s and 300s.

Google Translate can now visually translate 13 more languages by using the camera on your smartphone, including Punjabi, Thai, Tamil, Vietnamese and more. Users can now more easily scan foreign-language restaurant menus to see which foods will give them crippling stomach cramps and diarrhea.

The Mormon Church is encouraging women – but not men – to leave social media for 10 days.  “Okay, you got 10 days, go get yourselves laid” said the head of the Mormon Church to Mormon men.

 

Hurricane Michael roared into the Florida Panhandle as a Category 4 storm. The official death toll stands at two persons, but some worry that will rise as they reach more remote areas. On the bright side, the storm closed 18 Waffle Houses so officials said that’ll save some lives.

Kylie Jenner revealed she’s using lip fillers again. “Wait, let’s hear more about this!” said a family whose home was destroyed by Hurricane Michael.

In a study published in Scientific Reports, scientists in Spain developed a self-replicating form of quantum artificial life. Other scientists dismissed the report when they found the self-replication of a new life was just turning Super Mario into Mini Mario.

Owner of the NFL’s Jacksonville Jaguars, Shad Khan, is said to be exploring the tax implication of playing home games in London, but keeping the team based in Jacksonville. He’s also said to be exploring the implications of retraining football hooligans to become American football hooligans.

Audiophiles have a new “listening bar” in London called Moonglow. The café will be equipped with high-end sound for visitors to enjoy music while they sip coffee and drinks in between pummeling writers who wreck the vibe by clicking on their laptop.

CNN host Don Lemon is being called racist for his statement that rapper Kanye West is “the token negro of the Trump administration.” Lemon’s supporters, however, countered that there’s been a staff opening ever since Omarosa’s departure.

City Works Eatery & Pour House, a gigantic sports bar, is opening at Disney Springs at Orlando, Florida’s Walt Disney World Resort. The bar will feature over 80 beers on tap, and a special team of bouncers assigned to keep Snow White, Ariel & the other Princesses from being harassed.

The U.S. Postal Service is proposing its largest rate hike since 1991, taking the price of a Forever stamp to 55 cents. A spokesperson said the rate hike is due to Forever seeming a lot longer since the Trump administration started.

Former UFC and current WWE star Ronda Rousey called fellow wrestlers Nikki & Brie Bella “a bunch of untrustworthy bitches”.  Rousey defends her title against Nikki in the WWE Evolution all-women pay-per-view event – a series of all-female battles with fixed outcomes bought by horny male losers striking a huge victory for feminism.

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts has reportedly ordered a new investigation into Brett Kavanaugh. The investigation stems from Roberts’ butthurt omission from getting free Washington Nationals tickets that Kavanaugh reportedly incurred a six-figure debt to purchase.

 

Google introduced its new Pixel 3 smartphones, citing their highly sophisticated artificial intelligence tools. Google added that the artificial intelligence tools can be disabled by dropping the phone on the sidewalk.

Rumors are circulating that Ivanka Trump is being considered to replace Nikki Haley as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. The White House cites Ivanka’s extensive international diplomacy experience hiring children to work in factories for her now-defunct apparel line.

Multilingual imbecile and bully-enabling anti-bullying crusader Melania Trump claims that her offers to assist international aid organizations are ignored because of her marriage to Donald Trump. Aid organizations replied, for the 100th time, starving children don’t need gently-used designer shoes and clothing.

A flight from Detroit to Shanghai was diverted back to Detroit for a passenger medical emergency, but arrived too late and the passenger was pronounced dead on arrival. The FAA said it was the first time ever that someone was dying to get to Detroit.

The New York Yankees were eliminated by the Boston Red Sox, three games to one, in the American League divisional playoffs. After the game, George Steinbrenner emerged from beyond the grave In Yankee Stadium’s Monument Park to fire manager Aaron Boone.

The New York Times profiled Anthony Mancinelli, a 107-year-old barber who works full-time cutting hair from Noon to 8pm every day.. that he’s not appearing in civil court for causing concussions and extensive cranial bleeding.

Taylor Swift appeared at the American Music Awards on Tuesday night, claiming three more to bring her lifetime total to 22 – passing Whitney Houston’s female artist record of 21, and a comfortable 22-trophy lead ahead of Mambo No. 5’s Lou Bega.

Hurricane Michael may make landfall in the Florida panhandle as a Category 4 storm, the worst to hit that area in over 100 years. “Wait, which state are we again?” asked worried residents of Mississippi.

Frontier Airlines removed a female passenger prior to a flight from Orlando to Cleveland for bringing her emotional support squirrel on board.  Several other passengers asked if they could borrow the squirrel so they, too, could get kicked off and rebooked on a better airline.

Accused sexual assailant Harvey Weinstein lost one of his defense attorneys due to an argument over the bill, proving that Weinstein is still working on understanding priorities.

A 14-year-old is suing McDonald’s for over $1 million, claiming that spilled hot water caused severe burns. McDonald’s said it was part of their free Fry-day promotion.

 

 

 

 

‘Walking Dead’ actor Scott Wilson died, but is expected to make unbilled cameos in future episodes.

After an 11-year-long study, Candystore.com declared that Skittles are America’s favorite Halloween candy.  Kids praised Skittles for being as easy to throw at their friends’ heads as candy corn, while also being fun to actually eat.

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley resigned, saying her decision had nothing to do with her boss being laughed out of the room during Show & Tell several weeks earlier.

Tristan Thompson departed for Cleveland to join the NBA Cavaliers, while girlfriend and Baby Mama Khloe Kardashian remained in L.A. with their daughter. Kardashian insists that they’re still together; Thompson describes it as more of an 82-game break.

A 27-year-old Indian man checked into rehab for what he described as a Netflix addiction – watching 7 hours of shows every day for 6 straight months. His girlfriend called the man ‘all Netflix, no chill’.

Alex Spanos, longtime owner of the AFL/NFL San Diego (now Los Angeles) Chargers, died. Players await a decision from Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office to see if they can kneel at the funeral.

Following Taylor Swift’s Instagram post promoting voting for Democratic Party candidates in Tennessee, voter registration spiked in the state. Newly-registered 18-year-olds in Tennessee are saying they can’t wait to vote for Taylor Swift.

A rare white tiger mauled a zookeeper to death in southern Japan. The tiger had been on a steady diet of red meat, but chose that day to try Japanese.

Struggling retailer Sears announced that it’s hired a bankruptcy expert to serve the company as an independent director. The expert is a bankrupt mom who still actually shops at Sears.

A man sued Disney, saying a Disney World employee ruined his marriage proposal by forcing him to move from his spot in front of Princess Castle because a parade was starting. He allegedly grabbed the employee, leading to his arrest and removal from the park. The employee was quoted as saying “Gollll-olll-eee!”

Social media platform Path is closed down. “Where’d everybody go?” asked the one guy on Path who didn’t work at Path.

NFL players continued to express anger at officials enforcing new rules designed for player safety.  In Sunday’s games, referees threw 11 flags for Roughing The Passer, and another four for Hurting the Passer’s Feelings.

Taylor Swift caused controversy by endorsing Tennessee Democratic Senate candidate Phil Bredesen, who’s running against Republican incumbent Marsha Blackburn. Blackburn’s spokesperson said they plan to wait until Swift breaks up with Bredesen and writes a stinging kiss-off song about him.

In London, after selling for $1.4 million at Sotheby’s auction house, a painting from street artist Banksy shredded itself.  In south Philadelphia, a velvet airbrushed painting of Eagles QB Carson Wentz sold at a gas station for $30 and was later found shredded,  but the buyer’s wife denied doing it.

Microsoft said that they have a fix for files that are being deleted when pc users update to the latest version of Windows 10. They told customers to stay on the lookout for the patch, coming soon to Windows 14.

Stormy Daniels said she bumped into former Trump attorney Michael Cohen at an airport and that Cohen “said hi”. Daniels then boarded a flight to Los Angeles and “bumped into” six or seven other guys on the set of her new project.

Brewers of deep discount swill Natural Light are issuing a limited edition 77 Pack of 12-ounce cans. They say the 77 pays homage to 1977, the year of its creation – and also to the .77 blood alcohol content you’ll have when you die trying to finish it.

The newest food and beverage craze is CBD, or cannabidol, derived from the cannabis plant. Unlike THC, CBD has no psychoactive properties, so experts predict widespread first-time usage, followed by widespread anger at CBD dealers for selling liquid oregano.

President Trump praised First Lady Melania Trump’s visit to Africa, saying that she had done “a tremendous job representing our country in Africa– like no one has before.” Critics called his statement absurd, but fact-checkers agreed with the President, saying no First Lady visiting Africa had pulled off so many photo ops and costume changes.

A VICE article highlighted the disgusting trend of human feces being left on trails at some of the U.S.’s most popular national parks — citing visible piles of human waste at California’s John Muir Trail, Washington’s Olympic National Park, and Tennessee’s Dollywood.

Australian Apple Watch users experienced a glitch when the Apple Watch repeatedly failed after Australia moved to Daylight Savings Time. Apple CEO Tim Cook said they hadn’t anticipated Apple Watch customers caring how well the device kept time.

Barnes & Noble has signaled that it is evaluating strategic changes, including possible sale of the company. B&N executives said they only want serious buyers, not companies that just want to read the company’s financial statements and use the restroom.

JCPenney named Jill Soltau to be its new CEO; Soltau had been CEO of Joann Fabrics. JCPenney’s board of directors praised her tenure at Joann, saying it gave her experience overseeing stores that most people wouldn’t be caught dead in.

Meng Hongwei, the head of Interpol, has been reported missing after a trip to China. Interpol would look for him, but he can’t order the investigation to start since he’s missing.

‘Jersey Shore’ star Snooki says costar Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino is fearful of his upcoming sentencing for tax evasion and imprisonment. So much so that Sorrentino is considering changing his nickname to The Sexual Assault Situation.

An airline passenger let her toddler daughter use her portable toilet in the aisle of the plane midflight instead of taking her to the lavatory. The mother refused to follow flight attendant instructions to move the porta-potty to the lavatory, and the toddler was arrested by air marshals for refusing to fasten her seatbelt while pooping.

Actor John Goodman appears on the cover of People magazine, which includes a story on how he’s lost over 100 pounds, not counting the 175  from losing Roseanne on his tv show.

Rhode Island state police arrested Anne Armstrong, 58, and Alan Gordon, 48 — the Compassion Party’s candidates for governor and attorney general, respectively – for possessing over 50 pounds of marijuana at their home. Cops said they don’t know about the Compassion part, but that’s more than enough for a Party.

Apple denies reports that it was a victim of spying malware on servers it acquired from Chinese supplier SuperMicro. “Those kids did nothing wrong!” said Apple CEO Tim Cook.

The Senate approved a motion to move the candidacy of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh to a full vote. “I’ll drink to that!” said Kavanaugh at 9a.m.

The Central Pacific Hurricane Center released a computer graphic of Hurricane Walaka  that looks like an erect penis. Meteorologists say it’s not a real threat to blow unless it merges with a girl hurricane.

 

A 27-year-old Florida woman, Katherine Nieves Tavarez, was arrested for stabbing her live-in boyfriend, Amaury Vazquez Carerro, after Carrero repeatedly refused to have sex with her. “No means no!” said Carrero, which is particularly hard to do with a knife stuck in your face.

  • Asked why she stabbed her boyfriend, Tavarez said she really likes foreplay.

The FBI has reportedly completed their background investigation on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. The contents remain secret, but allegedly contain damning evidence of lost deposits on kegs and taps to multiple beer distributors in Virginia and Connecticut.

The son of convicted felon and former rap mogul Suge Knight, Suge Knight Jr., said that Tupac Shakur is alive and living in Malaysia. The younger Knight offered as proof photos of Knight posing with 50 Cent and Beyoncé. Fans and social media followers remain unconvinced, and have raised a $1 million reward to whoever can post video of Tupac ‘flossing’.

Duchess Meghan Markle said that she needs to put on a baseball cap to disguise herself before grocery shopping. “Why are you wearing a baseball cap?” asked the maid as Meghan hands her the grocery list.

The Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers announced a new wireless network standard, WiFi 6. It’s an even faster, steadier wifi stream that you can steal from the dope next door who doesn’t use a password.

A new laundry-cleaning startup, VClean, placed 200 of its vending machines in parking garages adjacent to London Underground stations. So far, the company is pleased with the response, except for all of the homeless people they’ve had to pull out of the machines.

ZipRecruiter raised $156 million in new funding. The platform, which matches job seekers with employers, claims it frees up time of human resources professionals to focus on what they do best – organizing employee cake parties, shopping, and handing out termination notices.

A black grandmother and two little girls campaigning for Texas Senate Candidate Beto O’Rourke were accosted by a white racist, who told them to “go back where they came from.” O’Rourke’s opponent, incumbent Sen. Ted Cruz, hasn’t officially commented, but said if the racist made fun of his wife’s looks, he could speak at a Cruz rally.

According to the Wall St Journal, Vice President Mike Pence will make a formal ‘rebuke’ of China, claiming that China is working to remove President Trump.  Meaning, if he’s right, a majority of 2016 U.S. voters have something in common with China.

Heart rate data from a 67-year-old San Jose woman’s Fitbit is being used to charge her 90-year-old stepfather with murder. According to the Fitbit, the woman’s heart rate reportedly spiked, then dropped to zero during the man’s visit. Later, the Fitbit told her she was getting the best sleep ever.

  • “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that meddling fitness tracker!” the man said as he was led away in handcuffs.

Red Lobster will no longer give plastic straws to customers unless they ask. The chain said they want to do what’s right for the environment, and that too many of their less intelligent customers were suffocating trying to suck up shrimp.

Apple announced that its newest update, iOS 12.1, will add 70 new emoji — part of its ongoing mission to allow illiterate people with iPhones the ability to communicate entirely through pictures.

The NFL indefinitely suspended linebacker Mychal Hendricks, who plead guilty to charges of insider trading. No word on plans for an appeal from the NFL Players Association, who called the punishment “the smartest reason ever” for a player missing an NFL game.

Travelers entering New Zealand face a $3,200 fine if they refuse to give border agents the password to their smartphone. So far, a dozen people cooperating with the law have been jailed for having the password ‘F*CKOFF’.

The ‘Sober October’ movement is growing. Retailers are expressing concern that, without the assistance of alcohol to lower inhibitions, Halloween costumes will now have to be sluttier than ever.

Microsoft introduced new $349 Surface Headphones. Microsoft said the headphones will cancel noise, and that Microsoft will cancel support for them when they decide in a year that they don’t want to make headphones anymore.

Amazon announced the Fire Stick TV 4K – its most powerful streaming stick ever. It ships from Amazon in October, and from the guy who hacks it so you can watch bootleg cable in early November.

Sources told TMZ that newlyweds Hailey Baldwin and Justin Bieber don’t consider themselves truly married because they haven’t yet had a church wedding to have their love witnessed by God. In response, God said there’s no rush, that he’s fine just witnessing them having sex.

68-year-old Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly in a relationship with 21-year-old transgender woman Sophia Hutchins. Jenner offered no comment on the May/December romance, or, more specifically, the May, 1950/December, 1997 romance.

At 2:18p.m. Wednesday, FEMA will test the new Presidential Alert System, with messages sent to billions of Americans’ mobile phones. At 2:19p.m., millions of attractive young women will be asking who sent them a dick pic.

 

Reports surfaced that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was involved in a drunken bar brawl after a UB40 concert in the 80s.  The same report finds that Kavanaugh also once wore a bright yellow shirt to a Cure show and was excommunicated from their fan club.

Dunkin Donuts employees in Syracuse, NY were fired following the circulation of a viral video where one of them pours water on a homeless man. The employees have since been nominated to Federal judgeships by the Trump administration.

For the first time in 55 years, a woman – Canadian Donna Strickland – won the Nobel Prize in Physics. Strickland was recognized for her work in laser physics; specifically, how a laser can be utilized to turn up the thermostat from across a room.

Amazon raised its minimum wage for all of their employees to $15/hour. Amazon warehouse employees celebrated by raising the glass bottles they urinate in to keep from getting fired for bathroom breaks.

Lindsay Lohan appears in a new viral video, where she accuses a Moscow family of trafficking children then gets punched in the face. Her friends worry for her safety and want her to move back to the United States, to Cincinnati where there are no paparazzi. Lohan said it’s a difficult choice between living in Cincinnati or getting punched in the face.

First Lady Melania Trump arrived in Ghana for her first state visit of a shithole country.

A woman spectator’s eyeball reportedly “exploded” after being struck with a golf ball hit by American Brooks Koepka at the Ryder Cup in Paris. The woman reportedly lost sight in the eye, and was assessed a two-stroke penalty for moving her ball.

Primera Air – which launched in 2017 offering $99 one-way fares between the U.S. and Europe – suddenly announced it’s suspending operations. After the pilot made the announcement, all passengers and crew on the final flight parachuted to safety.

CEO Rupert Stadler, arrested for falsifying company records of diesel vehicle emissions, announced that he’s outie at Audi.

The FDA claims a factory making Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal knew of possible salmonella contamination, but refused to do anything about it. Kellogg’s disputes this, saying that the back of the box was updated with a new game, Dig ‘Em’s Toilet Challenge.

 

 

 

Shaquille O’Neal’s son, Shareef, was diagnosed with a congenital heart condition and will sit out a year of college basketball at UCLA. Asked how he’ll fill the free time, his faculty advisors told him to pursue “anything but acting.”

A woman found a 2.63 carat diamond at a state park in Arkansas, and is now engaged to the squirrel who gave it to her.

Disney World announced a new ticket pricing policy, drawing anger and confusion from the park’s most excited visitors – who are literally shitting themselves trying to figure it out.

A tractor-trailer carrying 80 cows flipped over and blocked all lanes of Interstate 285 near Atlanta. The accident resulted in cows roaming the highway, leading to multiple other accidents and several bovine carjackings.

Google is updating Google Maps to allow control of music from within the app. So now you can listen to your favorite song while risking your life ‘making a legal u-turn’.

According to medical journal JAMA, women who increase water intake by 1.5 liters/day for a full year are 50% less likely to get urinary tract infections. They’re also 100% more likely to have stronger buttocks and quadriceps from hovering above the public toilet seats they’ll need to use.

North Carolina’s governor has ordered $4 million to help control the growing numbers of large mosquitoes breeding in floodwaters after Hurricane Florence. In a related story, a North Carolina beach town broke the Guinness World Record for Largest Citronella Candle.

The U.S., Canada & Mexico have all accepted the successor to NAFTA, which will be called USMCA (U.S., Mexico, Canada Agreement) — disappointing everyone who wanted to call it Afta’NAFTA.

Cardi B. surrendered to New York City police for her alleged role ordering an assault on two female bartenders, one of whom she accused of having sex with her husband, Offset — or, as he’s known to women he cheats with, Inset.

Fifty million Facebook accounts were allegedly hacked. Facebook said that they’ve patched the vulnerability, and reassured affected users that the hackers couldn’t possibly be doing anything worse with personal data than what Facebook is doing already.

 

Share prices in Bed, Bath & Beyond stock plummeted to an 18-year low. Executives say that they plan to end their policy allowing stock purchasers to stack coupons.

Jesuit periodical America Magazine – which had endorsed the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh – rescinded it after testimony from his alleged sexual assault victim. Similarly, Highlights magazine changed Kavanaugh’s ‘Gallant’ status to ‘Goofus’.

A jet operated by the national airline of Papua New Guinea missed a runway at an airport in Micronesia and landed in a nearby lagoon. All the passengers and crew survived. The pilot said he thought he had more room because he mistakenly thought he was landing in Macronesia.

Holly Jane Akers, 31, of Holiday, Florida was arrested for hitting her husband in the face with a vacuum cleaner attachment when he wouldn’t help her clean. The husband told police that she hit him in the face with a crevice tool, and she replied that he hits her with his crevice tool all the time.

A “white hat” hacker said he’ll broadcast his hack of Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook page on Facebook Live this Sunday.  Asked how he can prove that it’s him and not Zuckerberg controlling the account, the hacker said he’ll post a status saying “I’ll never sell your personal data.”

Amazon is launching what it calls a promising new product to monetize Alexa — prostitutes with Alexa’s voice.

Over a dozen people walked out of a Wanda Sykes standup comedy performance in Red Bank, New Jersey when she opened with jokes about Trump. The walkouts were offered tickets to a future show from Larry the Cable Guy, but became even more insulted.

California authorities charged 17 people for robbery at Apple Stores. They’re employees who told customers that $1.200 iPhones are a terrific deal.

A Jeopardy! contestant proposed marriage to his girlfriend – who accepted – during player introductions on Thursday’s show. He didn’t present a ring, but he did give her $2,000 and a case of Aleve after he finished second.

Volkswagen announced a partnership with Microsoft – making it easier than ever to crash your car and your car’s entertainment system.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller was photographed getting Genius Bar support for his MacBook at an Apple Store in Washington, D.C. President Trump appointed the Genius Bar employee to a high-level Cabinet position.

McDonald’s says that it’s removed all artificial ingredients from its burgers — leading many curious customers to buy a Big Mac just to see what’s left of it.

The Federal Reserve raised interest rates for the third time this year. This angered President Trump, until someone told him it means he earns an extra twenty-five cents a month in his Christmas Club savings account.

Students at U.K.’s Bristol University raised money to send a custodian, Herman Gordon, on a vacation to his home country of Jamaica – the first true vacation he’s had in more than 11 years. Gordon said he plans to get a job in Jamaica and never return.

Amazon is opening its first-ever store that only sells products with 4-star and higher customer ratings. Customers can ask Alexa where to find stuff, but Alexa isn’t there because so many frustrated grandparents gave her 1-star reviews.

Disney released a line of Disney Princess-themed baking sets, so that young princesses can throw them at their moms when they want them to make cookies.

Emma Coronel, wife of drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, threw a lavish Barbie-themed birthday party in Mexico for their twin daughters 7th birthday.  Guests were treated to carnival rides, and each got to take a deflated balloon for a group trip to Texas.

A man was arrested at Dublin Airport after missing his flight to Amsterdam, breaking through the door of the boarding gate, and chasing the plane as it taxied away – delighting the person watching from inside the aircraft next to his empty seat.

AAA’s Foundation for Traffic Safety reports that drivers don’t understand the limitations of new vehicle safety features such as automatic emergency braking. and adaptive cruise control. Those who have the features have mixed opinions, with many saying it makes applying makeup more difficult.

The Wondiwoi tree kangaroo, believed to be extinct, has reemerged and been spotted for the first time in 90 years. The Wondiwoi is extremely muscular and lives primarily in the treetops of New Guinea’s bamboo forests. Researchers making contact with the Wondiwoi asked where it had been, and the kangaroo replied “waiting for a f***ing ladder.”

Apple announced that it’s acquiring Shazam. Soon you’ll be able to identify a song, be hounded to buy it on iTunes and lose it in an iOS update all in 10 minutes.

Bill Cosby was sentenced to 3-10 years in prison for his sexual assault conviction and was taken directly to prison. Later that day, a van carrying the Chippendale dancers appeared at Cosby’s suburban Philadelphia estate.

Dunkin Donuts will now be known only as Dunkin. So now when you send the intern out for coffee, you can just tell them to get it “anywhere but Dunkin”.

Millennials are cited as the reason for an 18% drop in the U.S. divorce rate. Not only because millennials are avoiding marriage, but because the ones living at home until they’re 30 are keeping their parents from divorcing.

Michael Kors is acquiring Versace for $2.1 billion, now we just have to worry about someone murdering Michael Kors.

Comcast bid $30 billion to acquire a stake in Europe’s Sky Broadcasting. “Alright! I hear great things!” said a Sky customer who’s been grossly misinformed.

Buckingham Palace is selling $40 replicas of Meghan Markle’s engagement ring. It comes with a faux diamond and a couple of curly red hairs stuck in the setting.

2018 is a record year for cases of West Nile virus. Mosquitos commemorated the achievement by popping open bottles of blood they’ve been saving for a special occasion.

“The most dangerous thing that U.S. children do as part of daily life is ride in a car,” writes Benjamin Hoffman, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Injury, Violence and Poison.  “I’ll say!” said a 7-year-old driver who crashed into a tree after hijacking the family minivan to Chuck E. Cheese.

Will Smith commemorated his 50th birthday with a bungee jump from a helicopter over the Grand Canyon. He was joined by his children and his wife, Jada, who boarded the chopper after surrendering a set of hedge clippers.

A 30-year-old Florida man was arrested after he stripped naked and picked fights with passersby in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. No one fought the guy, because they were all chikn.

Hannah Storm & Andrea Kremer will be the first female NFL broadcasting duo when they call Thursday nights Vikings/Rams game for Amazon Prime. Storm is expected to do color, and Kremer is expected to tell Storm how great that color looks on her.

A ‘hotel breakfast bandit’ is on the loose in Georgia. Police in Dalton say a man has been wandering into hotels offering free lobby breakfast, eating, and leaving. So far he’s hit a Holiday Inn Express, a Quality Inn and others. He’s described as a white male with a  stomach ache and high cholesterol.

President Donald Trump was asked his thoughts on Puerto Rico becoming a full U.S. state. He replied  “absolute no — the 60 we have are plenty.”

The Official Scrabble dictionary added 300 words, and a new Appendix of 300 activities that are much more fun than Scrabble.

A 74-year-old man was found alive in a Washington D.C. area senior complex severely damaged by fire. All other residents had safely evacuated during the blaze, since they already knew how the Murder, She Wrote episode he was watching ended.

Bill Cosby’s sentencing hearing continued for a second day. The 81-year-old comedian, who is legally blind, told the judge he was glad it’s a ‘hearing’ and not a ‘seeing’, proving that, man, he’s still got it.

Cosby’s attorneys are fighting the prosecutor’s recommendation that he receive 24-to-36 months working at Trader Joe’s.

Readers Digest published a new article, ‘Exercises You Should Never Do After Age 50’, which for devoted Readers Digest readers includes “all of them”.

An image of a small baby girl crawling across a busy highway in New Jersey has gone viral. The baby was carried to safety, but told her rescuer that she was late to her job repairing iPhones at a nearby Apple Store.

A 10-year-old girl needed emergency surgery when she shoved a safety pin up her nose and it sprung open. The safety pin was removed through her mouth, but hospital workers are still figuring out how to remove the diaper attached to it.

Designer house GCDS – God Can’t Destroy Streetwear – sent its models down the runway at Milan Fashion Week with a third, prosthetic, breast between their two natural ones. Coincidentally, GCDS is offering its new tops in a Buy 2, Get 1 Free! sale.

 

Passengers on Jet Airways Flight 697 from Mumbai to Jaipur, India, started bleeding from their nose and ears mid-flight because the flight crew forgot to pressurize the cabin, and because many of them were sitting next to babies that had eaten spicy Indian food.

Facebook launched Facebook Dating in Colombia, making it much easier to find a boyfriend who can score you some cocaine.

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein resigned following a New York Times story stating he discussed taping President Trump or having him removed from office for incompetence. Rosenstein, who oversees Special Counsel Robert Mueller, is expected to be replaced by The Apprentice champion Bret Michaels of Poison.

LinkedIn published an article entitled ‘How Robots Are Hiring Job Candidates’. The answer, of course, is by identifying attractive candidates who like to have sex with robots.

A second woman has accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault, turning his #MeToo problem into a #MeThree problem.

Bill Cosby will be sentenced this week for his sexual assault conviction, and his sentence will be repeated in about six or seven weeks.

An Australian mother watched in horror as an eastern brown snake – one of the most lethally venomous land snakes in the world – slithered through a window and into her baby’s crib. The baby wasn’t in the crib at the time, and the snake was safely captured and removed, but only after hearing ‘Goodnight Moon’ three times.

Congress is expected to pass a sweeping bill to regulate the U.S. aviation industry, including making it illegal to bump & remove passengers who have already boarded an overbooked flight. The news was welcomed by frequent fliers, but disappointing to United Airlines’ newly-hired bouncers.

Cody Wilson, the firearms activist who controversially issued plans for untraceable 3D-printed guns, was arrested on charges of paying for sex with an underage woman. Prosecutors charged him with statutory sexual assault and submitted their evidence, including a 3D-printed condom.

On  a new ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, Kris Jenner said that she was the one who pulled her granddaughter, Stormi, from Kylie Jenner during birth. Kris was able to remove the newborn with one hand, and get Stormi’s footprint on a personal services contract with the other.

SiriusXM is buying streaming service Pandora for $3.5 billion, but has yet to announce to Pandora users how many skips they’ll get.

 

Wells Fargo bank expects to cut 26,500 jobs over the next three years. Execs think that’s the right number, but they can’t be sure how many employees are fakes made up by other employees to open bogus checking accounts.

Increased cases of a rare eye infection have been reported among contact lens wearers in the U.K. Acanthamoeba keratitis, infection of the cornea, has tripled since 2011. Health officials say they’ve been slow to identify the trend because everyone there has foggy vision.

In a new episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, daughter Kourtney slams her mother, Kris Jenner, for cheating on her father when she was a kid – wondering why she would even bother having an affair if she didn’t have a tv show yet to cash in on it.

Halloween costume company Yandy removed a sexy “brave red maiden” costume from its site. The outfit is similar to those worn by women forced into sexual surrogacy in The Handmaid’s Tale. Yandy stopped selling the costume and said customers ordering it will be able to substitute its “sexy textile sweatshop worker” outfit for free.

President Trump, tweeting in regard to Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s alleged sexual assault on Christine Blasey Ford, wrote that if the attack was ‘as bad as she says’ charges would have been filed….adding “and I know a thing or two about this stuff.”

A Michigan mother was arrested and held for two hours when she confiscated her daughter’s iPhone as punishment.  An Apple spokesperson said she could have avoided being jailed if she’d followed advice in the Tips app.

Apple created a microsite where you can use your current mobile phone’s browser to look at a 3D model of the new iPhone XS. It’s so lifelike, if you drop your phone, the screen of the virtual XS breaks and you’re charged $49 to open your browser again.

The Cleveland Browns won a football game for the first time in nearly two years – and, by doing so, unlocked thousands of free Bud Light beers around the city for fans. Because the game ended so late, some of the beers were set aside to be enjoyed at Cleveland-area day care centers before nap time.

According to the World Health Organization, 1 in every 20 global deaths are attributable to alcohol consumption. They presented the findings in a new report entitled “Dilly Dilly”.

A study published in the Journal of Physical Activity and Health found that the most dangerous, injury-inducing, type of dance is in Zumba classes. The study cited some cases of women injuring their feet, and other cases of women being shot by men forced to go with them to Zumba.

 

Nintendo launched Nintendo Switch Online – its first-ever subscription service for console gameplay. Parents say the service is affordably priced at $19.99/year, but are concerned some of their kids have injured their heads repeatedly hitting them on boxes to come up with the money.

Nintendo added that the most popular racer in Mario Kart 8 is President Trump’s penis.

New Jersey authorities and citizens are on the lookout for an alligator spotted roaming in Southern New Jersey. State wildlife officials describe the reptile as “a large alligator with multiple gold chains.”

Maroon 5 is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime act. Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, site of the Super Bowl, is testing to see if the restrooms can handle the 30,000 additional people leaving their seats to not watch it.

Delta Airlines raised its checked baggage fees from $25 to the first checked bag to $30. Additional bags cost $40, up from $35. The good news is that animals dying on Delta flights no longer count as checked bags.

For Jimmy Fallon’s birthday on September 19th, he asked only that people perform a random act of kindness. So throughout America, people took the remote from their partner and shut off The Tonight Show.

Cargill Meat Solutions is recalling 132,600 pounds of ground beef products following an E. coli outbreak. The recall is the basis for the new “Look, it’s not us for once!” ad campaign at Chipotle.

The NFL is closing its 40,000 square foot ‘NFL Experience’ in New York’s Times Square.  The $37-per-ticket attraction was intended to replicate stepping out of the locker room and onto the field of an NFL stadium. Visitors were dissatisfied with having to pay for painkilling injections and CTE scans to take the field.

Coca-Cola is reportedly interested in investing in cannabis-infused soft drinks. Executives are excited over the profit potential in selling soda by the gram.

KISS announced their farewell ‘End of the Road World Tour’ on America’s Got Talent – and were voted off in favor of a 12-year-old girl ventriloquist.

America’s Got Talent’s newest champion is 26-year-old Shin Lim, a Canadian-born close-up magician; the runner-up is Zucaroh, an Austrian acrobatic group. The show concluded with a press conference from U.S.-citizen finalists calling for tighter immigration control.

 

 

President Trump will visit North Carolina to assess the damage from Hurricane Florence; shares of Procter & Gamble – maker of Bounty paper towels – were up in early trading.

Denise Mueller-Korenek broke the world speed record for riding a bicycle at 183.93 miles per hour. She achieved the feat being towed behind a race car, then detaching and operating the pedals herself. Her ride ended when she ran into the opened door of the race car.

North Korea said it would close a key missile test facility and shut down its primary nuclear complex if the United States agrees to corresponding measures. “You got it, Kim!” said Defense Secretary James Mattis with his fingers crossed behind his back.

Brady Bunch actress Maureen McCormick talked to Us Weekly about her battles with drug addiction, saying her Mom & Dad almost had her arrested because it had gotten so bad. They didn’t because McCormick’s future husband gave her an ultimatum to get clean, and because Mom & Dad were busy planning a trip to Hawaii.

In a new book about New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, author Ian O’Connor claims that then-University of Florida coach Urban Meyer warned Belichick not to draft Aaron Hernandez because of his propensity to lie and smoke pot. Hernandez went on to be convicted for murder, leading Meyer to say “oh, that too.”

Identical twin sisters Jalynne April Crawford and Janelle Ann Leopoldo gave birth to sons on the same day at the same hospital. The sisters thanked God, and the hospital’s 2-for-1 c-section Groupon.

Stormy Daniels is releasing a new tell-all book in which she claims that Donald Trump has “a d— that looks like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” Trump has repeatedly denied sticking his Toad into her Mushroom Gorge.

Online gaming platform Steam debuted its first hardcore porn game, an anime visual novel titled ‘Negligee: Love Stories’. The object of the game is to make sexual choices as one of four female characters, and to shut it off as quickly as you can when your mom enters the room.

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day — not to be confused with International Act Like a Pirate Day, when you can murder people and steal their boat.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its list of the 25 Most Expensive Cars to Insure in the U.S. Topping the list? The all-electric Tesla Model S. The Model S has a high collision-repair cost, and a high comprehensive claim rate due to owners pumping gasoline in to the plug.

Julie Chen – wife of former CBS CEO Les Moonves – announced that she’s leaving ‘The Talk’.  No replacement host has been named, but it’s expected to be the spouse of whoever takes Moonves’ old job.

A chef in Australia killed an Airbnb guest in a fight over rent, and left the victim face down in a chocolate cake. A judge denied the chef bail so that he could bake a new one.

A live lion’s mane jellyfish – the largest jellyfish species in the world – washed up on a beach in New Zealand. Its tentacles can reach 190 feet long and it can have a ‘bell’ diameter of up to 7 feet.  It’s so big that, if it stings you, 100 people need to urinate on the wound to save your life.

An 83-year-old Irish grandfather fought off three armed robbers with a hammer and shotgun when they entered a betting parlor in Glanmire, County Cork. The robbers demanded the money, but the old man didn’t get enraged until they tried to steal his whiskey.

The National Education Association states that 554 teachers are running for public office this fall, which is expected to create a huge demand for Substitute Politicians.

Roseanne Barr revealed that her old tv show’s reboot, ‘The Conners’ will kill her character off via death by opioid overdose. A leaked script details how her sister Jackie finds Roseanne unresponsive, having downed alcohol and oxycontin while trying to sit through an episode of ‘God Friended Me’.

Marvel Studios unveiled the trailer for ‘Captain Marvel’, starring Brie Larson as pilot-turned-superhero Carol Danvers. Captain Marvel is said to be the most powerful hero introduced in the Marvel Universe – and you guys would know why if you just LISTENED to her once in a while.

September 18th is National Cheeseburger Day or, as President Trump calls it, Tuesday.

SpaceX announced that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be the first paid occupant of a SpaceX ship to fly around the moon. “He’s not driving, is he?” asked concerned Martians piloting other spaceships.

A Giant grocery store in Virginia destroyed multiple pallets of fruit after a customer was seen taking pieces of fruit, rubbing them on his bare buttocks, and putting them back.  He was arrested, but his lawyer argued that the banana and avocado stains on his skin prove that the fruit was over ripe for sale.

 

 

A new study by the National Center for Health Statistics determined that living in the wrong neighborhood can take 20 or more years off of your life. The study compared the life expectancy of suburbanites who work in offices, to that of city dwellers who get paid in cash and walk home from work at 3a.m.

Justin Bieber secretly wed model Hailey Baldwin in a New York City courthouse last week.  The couple still plans to have a formal ceremony so they can exchange vows before family, before God, and before they divorce in a few months.

Mia Bally, a participant in Lifetime Television’s ‘Married at First Sight’, filed for divorce from Tristan Thompson, her husband of two episodes.

Hannah Siboyeh, a 23-year-old school employee in Houston, Texas, admitted that she lost her virginity to a 15-year-old student at the school, in what his classmates are calling “the greatest health class, ever.”

Randall Gene Owens, football coach and physical education teacher at Palatka, Florida High School, was banned from teaching and coaching after being accused of telling a player to “commit suicide”, head-butting another, and blowing his nose on yet another. Parents were reportedly outraged that their kids didn’t get more playing time.

A study from the Aspen Institute recommended that children should avoid playing tackle football before age 14, saying that organizations like Pop Warner should focus on flag football, instead. The report stated that if parents still wanted their kids to get concussions, there’s always gymnastics and soccer.

A Wyoming hunting guide was fatally mauled and his client severely injured after being attacked by a pair of grizzly bears. The client said the deceased was “pretty good at the guide part, and not so good at the hunting part.”

Several women took to Twitter to criticize Apple’s latest iPhone designs, saying that, at 6.5 inches, the iPhone Xs Max is far too big for the average woman’s hand. “Why didn’t you say that about me?” asked their boyfriends.

Buffalo Bills Vontae Davis stunned teammates by retiring and leaving the locker room at halftime of the Bills’ 31-20 home loss to the Los Angeles Chargers. Davis started the game at cornerback, and finished it on an aisle seat.

A study in medical journal Pediatrics is cited in an effort to ban infant walkers in the U.S. Research claims that between 1990 and 2014, more than 230,000 children under the age of 15 months were injured using walkers, and that still more were injured trying to run on infant treadmills.

The Seattle Storm swept the Washington Mystics in three games to win the best-of-5 WNBA Championship — stunning experts who thought the WNBA would have folded by now.

Consumer researcher The Harris Poll surveyed 77,000 Americans for opinions on 3,000 brands, and Taco Bell was named America’s “Best Mexican Restaurant”, edging out “That Sketchy Truck.”

Residents in Brookhaven, Long Island are outraged that someone mysteriously set up several vending machines labeled “Pens” that were actually selling crack pipes for two dollars each. The machines also outraged crackheads who couldn’t find dollar bills smooth enough to buy a “pen”.

Bookmakers in England are offering lower-than-even-money odds that Duchess Meghan Markle will become pregnant and deliver a baby in 2019 – and 1000:1 odds that Meghan’s father will send a cool baby gift.

President Trump accused the Democrats of inflating the Puerto Rico death toll — estimated around 2,900 — in the wake of Hurricane Maria. Democrats responded by saying they wouldn’t kid around about losing thousands of people who would help vote Trump out in 2020.

Rumors circulated that actor Henry Cavill is out as Superman in the DC Comics Cinematic Universe. Reporters attempted to locate Cavill to confirm the story, but couldn’t recognize him with his glasses on.

Georgia School for Innovation and the Classics – a public charter school serving kindergarten through sixth grade – is asking parents to approve “consent to paddle” forms so that teachers and administrators can spank misbehaving students. The school has future plans to open a high school, and receive an avalanche of resumes from male teachers.

Apple held a new product launch event on Wednesday, introducing three new iPhones, the XS, XS Max & XR.  All three will follow Apple’s warranty policy “You break it, you probably already bought it for at least $800.”

The Waffle House Storm Center is actively monitoring Hurricane Florence. The Waffle House Storm Index will monitor flooding in areas served by Waffle Houses, and flooding in rest rooms having to do with Waffle House food.

The owner of Atlantic City’s Ocean Resort Casino said he’ll offer free rooms to anyone fleeing Hurricane Florence who can prove they’re from a mandatory evacuation area. This, as guests at other Atlantic City hotels flee just because it’s Atlantic City.

 

 

The World Health Organization reports that, by the end of the century, cancer will be the Number One cause of death globally — causing a huge sigh of relief from obese people with heart disease who misunderstood the report.

The 27th season cast of  ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars was revealed on Tuesday morning, including Bobby Bones; Tinashe; & ‘Grocery Store Joe’.  ABC also announced that for season 28, the show’s name will be changed to ‘Dancing With Whoever’s Left’.

President Trump called the U.S.’ disaster relief response to Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico – where over 2,900 residents died – an ‘unsung success’. A day later, the President clarified that thousands of people would have sung about the great care they received, but they were dead.

Nancy Crampton-Brophy, a romance/suspense novelist who once wrote an essay entitled ‘How To Murder Your Husband’, was arrested and charged with killing her husband. Her defense attorney declined comment, but said privately that “you really need to admire her follow-through.”

Rapper/actor Bow Wow, commenting in the wake of the overdose death of rapper Mac Miller, admitted his past addiction to cough syrup. Bow Wow said that he drank ‘lean’ – a combination of promethazine/codeine-based syrup and soft drinks – every day, adding that he was originally prescribed the drugs for a severe kennel cough.

A study on Bankrate.com revealed that the lowest-income U.S. households spend $412 annually on lottery tickets, nearly four times the national average of $105. The same study reveals that persons living in these poor households are also four times more likely to contract carpal scratch-off syndrome.

Microsoft announced its Windows 10 operating system updates for October. The ‘Snipping Tool’ for screengrabs is being phased out, replaced by ‘Snip & Sketch’. CEO Satya Nadella praised the move, saying it saves users having to open a second program to draw penises on the faces captured onscreen.

Reverend Christian Ohazulume, a Roman Catholic priest, has been charged with sexually assaulting a young girl while staying in her family’s home in 2006.  Reached at the Vatican for comment, Pope Francis said “Girl? That’s different.”

Kim Kardashian’s new prank show, ‘You Kiddin’ Me?’, debuts on Facebook Live on September 22nd. The show displays the Kardashian/Jenner family playing practical jokes on each other while your personal data is stolen and sold.

Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst filed for divorce from his wife of six years, Kseniya. Durst cited irreconcilable differences, specifically, the inability to do it all for the nookie.

 

The NFL Arizona Cardinals opened their season yesterday at home in newly-renamed State Farm Stadium. It used to be called University of Phoenix Stadium, but the for-profit college dropped out.

Horror movie ‘The Nun’ led the weekend box office with a huge $53.5 million opening weekend. The Vatican is considering the production of a sequel, ‘The Priest’, to fund child abuse settlements.

Actress Olivia Munn claims that she was shunned by co-stars in her new film ‘The Predator’, for calling out a male cast member as a registered sex offender. Ironically, he wasn’t playing the title character.

North Korea marked its 70th Anniversary with a huge military parade. Watchers noticed that nuclear missiles weren’t showed off in the parade; it’s unclear whether this was a sign of North Korean decnuclearization, or if the missiles were en route to vacation in Hawaii.

CBS Entertainment CEO Les Moonves stepped down as three more women leveled accusations of sexual harassment against the exec. Moonves is expected to remain out of the spotlight, but may be redeemed as a guest in an upcoming episode of new CBS show ‘God Friended Me.’

Coincidentally, today is the season premiere of Moonves’ wife Julie Chen’s afternoon show ‘The Talk’ – or, as it’s now known, ‘The Talk About My Husband’s Penis’.

Subway’s CEO says that the company’s famous $5 Footlong is going away – but will live on forever in the material of terrible stand up comedians.

NFL fans tweeted their hatred of a new Carrie Underwood ‘Sunday Night Football on NBC’ theme song, ‘Game On’. It was the first time cable operators reported service outages due to customers’ simultaneous pressing of the Mute button.

President Trump tweeted that he would ‘write the real book’ to set the record straight on his administration, following claims of dysfunction set forth in Bob Woodward’s upcoming book, ‘Fear’. Trump then asked Sean Hannity if he wants to write a book.

A couple who raised $400,000 on GoFundMe for a homeless addict are being investigated for spending much of the money on themselves. Cops confiscated items from the couple, including a BMW and drugs, which they bought because they wanted get the homeless guy’s Xmas presents early.

 

 

 

Actor Burt Reynolds died of complications from cardiac arrest. When hospital workers asked if there was anything they could do to make him more comfortable before he passed away, Reynolds told them to burn every copy of ‘Cop And A Half’.

Starbucks will soon start selling espresso in Italy – not because Italians need better espresso, they just need more locations where they can act like dicks ordering it.

Major hotel chains Marriott and Hyatt are giving employees ‘Panic buttons’ to use if they feel they’re in danger of assault or harassment. The panic buttons are also being given out at Red Roof Inns, to both desk clerks and “frequent guests” interacting with truckers.

The next star of ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’ will be Colton Underwood, a 26-year-old former football player who is a virgin. Producers want to know if he plans to give roses to women virgins competing for his affection on the show, so they can cut the flower budget.

A case study in the New England Journal of Medicine documents a woman contracting a condition known as ‘black hairy tongue’ upon taking a combination of antibiotics after a car accident. The antibiotics worked fine, but caused the woman to want to obsessively groom her cat.

Uber and Lyft are expanding their services to offer electric scooter rentals. Both companies say they’ll also hire employees to maintain & recharge the scooters, and to sexually harass renters.

The New York Times reports that the White House is eyeing 12 persons as possible authors of the anonymous ‘Resistance Letter’ op-ed published in the New York Times — and the New York Times is saying they might not want to waste time on 11 of them.

Missouri’s College of the Ozarks removed Nike logos from its sports teams uniforms in protest of Nike’s utilizing Colin Kaepernick as a spokesperson. Nike is currently assessing the brand impact of the logo not being seen by the 14 people expected to watch College of the Ozarks big football game against Missouri Southeast Baptist Tech.

Video of a brawl at a Chick-fil-A in Washington DC has gone viral. A 55-year-old customer reportedly yelled at others, then jumped behind the counter where he was punched by a 27-year–old employee. Despite the employee’s action defending co-workers, he was terminated because he wasn’t chicken.

At Miss America preliminaries, Miss Virginia responded to a question about football players kneeling for the national anthem, saying that “it’s not about kneeling; it is…about police brutality.” Asked whether or not she would kneel, Miss Mississippi said “not until the fifth or sixth date.”

 

 

Actress Dawn Wells – Mary Ann from ‘Gilligan’s Island’ – is $200k in debt. Her friends started a GoFundMe to help the actress pay medical bills and recover money she lost from bad investments, like funding the Professor’s coconut-powered furnace.

Actor Geoffrey Owens from The Cosby Show – whose story went viral after he was spotted working at a Trader Joe’s – has been offered work by filmmaker Tyler Perry on a show for the Oprah Winfrey Network. Owens has yet to respond, but is reportedly disappointed at not being cast in Perry’s other project, ‘Madea Goes to Trader Joe’s.’

30 more people have reportedly become ill from salmonella-contaminated boxes of Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal. The Centers for Disease Control have expanded the cereal’s recall – purchasers are asked to return boxes with specific date codes, and that feature Dig ‘Em the Frog’s cartoon cousin, Puke ‘Em.

Viral video is circulating from a kid’s birthday party in Baton Rouge, where someone in a Minnie Mouse costume teaches kids to twerk while hip-hop songs play, including ‘Show Me How You Ride That D**k’.  The video shows the kids having a great time, but cuts out before Goofy makes it rain and Daisy Duck puts ’em on the glass.

Kim Kardashian visited the White House again to discuss prison reform and the release of Chris Young, jailed for life on non-violent drug charges. President Trump quickly got bored, stared at Kim’s chest and asked if she was interested in releasing two other prisoners.

The New York Times published an anonymous letter from someone claiming to be a senior Trump Administration official, alleging to work with other insiders to resist Trump’s agenda from the inside. Speculation abounds as to the author’s identity, with many insisting it’s the White House cleaning lady hiding the tv remote so Trump can’t watch Fox News.

Domino’s Pizza in Russia offered 100 free pizzas a year for life if followers tattooed the Domino’s logo on their body and shared it on social media. Domino’s halted the promo due to overwhelming response, proving Russia has a serious problem with bad pizza and bad tattoos.

According to dating website Match, singles in San Antonio, Atlanta and Baltimore spend the most money on dating every year, from $2,200-$2500.  That includes food, entertainment and, in Baltimore’s case, self-defense classes & weaponry.

7000 insects, spiders and lizards were reported missing from the Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion. No one knows what happened to the creatures, but the rats occupying a neighboring cheesesteak restaurant have reportedly hired lawyers.

Dunkin Donuts apologized for sending Philadelphia Eagles cups to New England-area stores, instead of the New England Patriots cups those stores usually get. No word on whether they’ll apologize for the beverages that they put in the cups.

 

A South Carolina woman was charged with murder after poisoning her late husband with eye drops – which he totally did not see coming.

A truck carrying Axe body spray crashed in Texas, sending the product all over an area highway. This was bad news for cleanup crews, and good news for the shy raccoon with no game who finally got the ladies’ attention with his new scent.

Nike chose embattled former NFL qb Colin Kaepernick to be the face of its new ‘Just Do It’ campaign, leading to protests from those who oppose his national anthem protests. Some posted videos burning Nike shoes and apparel – several kids were injured trying to snatch the burning shoes rather than wearing the ones their Moms got them at Payless.

An Emirates Airline jet from Dubai to New York was quarantined post-landing Wednesday after 10 passengers aboard reported feeling ill. Some say that passengers picked up at a stop in Mecca brought the flu on board – others blamed the Baba Ghannouj breakfast sandwiches that Emirates borrowed from Spirit Airlines.

In Iowa, a 50-year-old man accidentally shot his 55-year-old brother on the first day of squirrel hunting season. The victim was treated for non-life-threatening injuries, and said it was partially his fault for trying to get sunflower seeds out of a bird feeder.

NASA is reportedly considering raising money for future missions by selling the naming rights for launches to marketing partners. Branding experts are hesitant, saying nobody wants to be asking a friend in 15 years where they were when the Cap’n Crunch Shuttle exploded…

The National Hockey League is reportedly asking that Washington Capitals players – each of whom gets a day with the Stanley Cup – not do “keg stands”, or, inverted beer chugging, out of it. The NHL is worried about damage to the trophy, and less worried that players will slip and knock their teeth out.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop brand paid $145,000 in civil penalties in California for falsely claiming that Jade and Rose Quartz stone “vaginal eggs” would, when placed in the vagina, improve bladder control, boost orgasms and regulate hormones. Family-minded women buying them also said that the eggs were “impossible to fertilize”.

Kim Kardashian is making another trip to the White House, this time attempting to free 30-year-old Chris Young, a convicted drug dealer serving a life sentence. This will be Kardashian’s second meeting in the Oval Office, moving her two ahead of Melania.

Rumors surfaced that Melania Trump’s “kidney operation” earlier this year may have actually been another enlargement surgery for her breasts. The rumors were fueled by photos of the First Lady in a snug top, showing off her kidney-shaped bosom.

 

 

Southern Methodist University professor Ryan Murphy ranked U.S. states having the highest concentration of psychopaths. The state with the most? Connecticut. Because apparently the District of Columbia counts Congress and the President as visitors.

China is reportedly recruiting U.S. spies via LinkedIn — then, dropping them if they update their LinkedIn profile to read Chinese Government Spy.

For the third consecutive year, In-N-Out Burger has donated at least $25,000 to the California Republican Party, leading some Democrats to call for a boycott. In an attempt to capitalize on the negative publicity, rival burger chain Jack In The Box donated $25,000 to victims of families who died eating at Jack In The Box.

Senator John McCain’s body was flown from Arizona to Washington DC to lie in state at the Capitol. His plane crossed paths with Air Force One, which flew the President to lie in a rally in Indiana.

WSAZ-TV meteorologist Chelsea Ambriz was charged with misdemeanor battery after she shoved down station news anchor Erica Bivens during a fight, fracturing her skull. Bivens allegedly accused Ambriz of hitting on her husband, and Ambriz used a fast-moving high-pressure system to deck Bivens.

A brawl broke out on an easyJet flight from London to Ibiza after a woman passenger allegedly “gave lap dances”, flashed her breasts, and did cartwheels down the plane aisle. An easyJet spokesperson said that the offending passenger and her friends were escorted off the plane, and that registrations for easyJet’s Frequent Flyer program are up 5000%.

Nicki Minaj appeared on ‘Ellen’ and said that she’s dating two men at the same time – she’s assigned them separate butt cheeks, and they’ve never met each other.

Adults in the U.S. consumed more than 17 billion “binge drinks” in the U.S. in 2015 [the most recent data available] according to the Centers for Disease Control. Binge drinks are defined as 5 or more within two hours.  Experts claim the number is really higher, citing the difficulty keeping track of funnels and butt-chugs.

An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll cites 54% of Americans believe kneeling during the national anthem is ‘not appropriate’. Although 98% of NFL fans believe that sitting in a recliner during the anthem with nacho cheese and tortilla crumbs on your shirt is still okay.

Ariana Grande and fiancée Pete Davidson reportedly have matching pink Motorola Razr flip phones, so they can each imagine calling each other when they were 12 years old.

 

 

A UPS driver’s failed delivery note to a North Carolina household has gone viral. Unable to deliver the package, the driver left a company-issued post-it stuck in the mailbox reading “bear in driveway”. The homeowner wasn’t upset, but regrets hiring the bear to wash her car.

Kyle Greene, an independent candidate for Minnesota state representative released a controversial campaign ad where he states “I want to be your n***er.” Minnesota racists expressed their pleasure with a more effective use of tax dollars.

The New York Police Department sent its official beekeeper to remove a swarm of bees that descended on a hot dog cart in the middle of Times Square. The bees were there to express their outrage at tourists asking for ketchup to put on their hot dogs.

The American Academy of Pediatrics updated guidelines for placing children in rear-facing car seats. Old guidelines stipulated children ride in rear-facing seats until age 2; now the Academy says parents should continue to use rear-facing seats as long as children can comfortably fit in them and vomit on road trips.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo debated fellow Democratic gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon at Hofstra University on Wednesday night. Nixon’s team unsuccessfully asked the room temperature be raised from 69 to 76 degress, calling cold work environments “sexist”. Cuomo’s team thought that Nixon, a lesbian, would be okay at 69.

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill designating surfing as the official state sport – disappointing those who had lobbied for the official sport to be either skateboarding, or bitching about Nancy Pelosi.

China’s largest search engine, Baidu, is suing a Chinese comedian – known only as Sun -for posting a joke making fun of Baidu’s CEO Robin Li. The comedian is wondering if Baidu hated the joke so much, how did it end up so high in search results?

U.S. startup Lime is now offering rentals of its electric scooters in Paris, allowing pedestrians to smell that familiar breeze of Parisians not wearing deodorant to come at them even faster.

Sears kicked off store-closing liquidation sales at 13 KMarts and 33 Sears department store locations – for anyone interested in seeing 80-year-old women fighting over the last pair of size 4 stretch pants.

Aretha Franklin’s funeral will be 6 1/2 hours long, featuring multiple musical performances, eulogies, and an appearance by Tyler Perry. Perry chose not to appear as Madea since he was worried mourners would think Franklin had come back to life.