A second grade teacher in California was arrested for being drunk in class with a blood alcohol level twice the legal limit. Though cops were impressed that her students could sing along when she was asked to recite the alphabet backwards.

An 11-year-old was arrested for shooting two teammates after a Florida football practice. It’s illegal in Florida for student-athletes to fire a handgun at football practice until they make the varsity squad.

A Pennsylvania school board passed a rule mandating students only use boys & girls bathrooms based on their gender at birth, although other restrooms are designated for use by trans students. The high school band is now learning ‘Smokin In The Non-Binary Restroom’.

Republican Kevin McCarthy was removed as Speaker of the House. In order to gain bipartisan consensus, Congress is expected to nominate a Bluetooth Speaker Of The House.

75,000 health care workers went on strike at Kaiser Permanente hospitals, leading administrators to issue a rare Flood Warning for bedpans.

Jamie Lynn Spears was eliminated from ‘Dancing With The Stars‘ – as big sis Britney somehow remains alive on ‘Dancing With The Sharp Kitchen Tools‘.

Alaska announced its annual Fat Bear Week contest – where people can vote for their favorite of 12 different fat bears photographed & living at Katmai National Park & Preserve. Organizers say they won’t accept write-in candidates for Fat Bears photographed vacationing at Fire Island or Provincetown.

One person was killed after a crane toppled over at a construction site in Florida. “Crane…there is no defense” said Mr. Miyagi.

Paris, France is dealing with a widespread infestation of bedbugs. Though experts say they’ll likely not harm residents since bedbugs aren’t fans of body odor, either.

A black man is suing the Atlanta Police Department, saying facial recognition technology mistakenly identified him as a fugitive from Louisiana. A police spokesperson admitted they were wrong, and that they used the ‘skin tone’ recognition setting by mistake.