Donald Trump turns 77 today. He’ll celebrate at a small party where a woman will pop out of a cake to deliver grand jury indictments for election tampering in Georgia.

A man bit his friend’s ear during a fight outside of a Sullivan’s Steakhouse in King of Prussia, PA. The man explained the ear was cheaper than the $20 shrimp cocktail appetizer.

The town of Elko, Nevada is overrun by Mormon crickets, who emerged from their dormant phase and infested the town. They’re expected to move on to other cities as part of their mission to convert other insects to Mormonism.

Disney/Pixar debuts Carls Date, an animated short featuring Carl Fredericksen, widowed senior husband from the movie ‘Up‘, going on a date with a new lady friend. Carl is nervous because he hasn’t dated in 50 years, and because he can’t get it Up.

India & Pakistan are bracing for the arrival of Cyclone Biparjoy, which could match the devastation of last year’s monsoons. Meanwhile, the rest of the world wonders if Biparjoy is a male or female name.

The Southern Baptist Convention voted to bar churches with women pastors, saying “female pastors are a precursor to acceptance of homosexuality and sexual immorality.” They add that male pastors already have homosexuality and sexual immorality covered.

Johns Hopkins University supposedly redefined lesbian to make it a more inclusive term, defining it as “a non-man attracted to another non-man”. “Well, I guess we’re lesbians then” said talking hetero animals.

A TikTok star with celiac disease claims she suffered explosive diarrhea on a 15-hour Emirates Airlines flight from Dubai to Los Angeles after being given a pastry with gluten. The airline apologized, saying it mistakenly switched her special gluten-free meal with another passenger’s special explosive diarrhea meal.

A 28-year-old Louisiana woman was arrested for fraudulently posing as a 17-year-old and enrolling in high school. Teachers grew suspicious when they determined she couldn’t be a Louisiana high-schooler, since she was reading at a sixth-grade level.

In Oklahoma, workers rescued a cat and dog that became stuck when they went under a backyard deck. The pair explained that they didn’t think the world would understand their forbidden love for one another.