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Dorothy Hoffner, a 104-year-old woman, died one week after setting the record for world’s oldest skydiver. The coroner said it wasn’t the fall that killed her, it was the sudden stop of her heart.

Jada Pinkett Smith revealed in an interview with Hoda Kotb that she’s separated from husband Will Smith. “Keep my wife’s things, out ma f**kin house” said Will Smith to the movers.

Scantily-clad prostitutes – wearing only enough clothing to avoid arrest by covering their genitals – are soliciting customers near a school in National City, California. Parents became concerned after their sons asked for $150 in lunch money.

Atlantic City, New Jersey will begin using drones dropping inflatables for beach rescues. To pay for it, visitors will be able to request the drones drop them beers on the beach or condoms under the boardwalk.

Taylor Swift’s Era Tour movie premieres Wednesday, and The Grove shopping mall in Los Angeles is shutting down everything but the AMC Cinemas for an opening gala. Mall businesses will be compensated for lost revenue, but the one person who wanted to see The Exorcist: Believer is out of luck.

Philadelphia Police rounded up over 1,000 traffic cones used by city residents to illegally save parking spots near their homes. Cops are now deciding what to do about families who put children in the spots to save them.

Floyd Mayweather is sending a private jet full of supplies to support Israel in their battle against Hamas – but they’re not sure how much help boxing gloves and jump ropes will be.

Alaska Airlines will serve a custom blend of coffee, which it claims is immune from airborne conditions like tasting bitter and weak, Customers who still want the bitter, weak, in-flight coffee are encouraged to book flights on the all-new Dunkin Airways.

Mattresses are piling up on the streets of Paris as the city’s bedbug infestation surges. Firefighters are also overworked, since the bugs, like many other Paris residents, smoke in bed.

The National Emergency Alert Test of cell phones on October 4th reportedly ‘outed’ many Amish people who secretly carried phones in violation of Amish law. Angry wives found text messages reading “Prithee Stoltzfus, are you not sleeping?”

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A second grade teacher in California was arrested for being drunk in class with a blood alcohol level twice the legal limit. Though cops were impressed that her students could sing along when she was asked to recite the alphabet backwards.

An 11-year-old was arrested for shooting two teammates after a Florida football practice. It’s illegal in Florida for student-athletes to fire a handgun at football practice until they make the varsity squad.

A Pennsylvania school board passed a rule mandating students only use boys & girls bathrooms based on their gender at birth, although other restrooms are designated for use by trans students. The high school band is now learning ‘Smokin In The Non-Binary Restroom’.

Republican Kevin McCarthy was removed as Speaker of the House. In order to gain bipartisan consensus, Congress is expected to nominate a Bluetooth Speaker Of The House.

75,000 health care workers went on strike at Kaiser Permanente hospitals, leading administrators to issue a rare Flood Warning for bedpans.

Jamie Lynn Spears was eliminated from ‘Dancing With The Stars‘ – as big sis Britney somehow remains alive on ‘Dancing With The Sharp Kitchen Tools‘.

Alaska announced its annual Fat Bear Week contest – where people can vote for their favorite of 12 different fat bears photographed & living at Katmai National Park & Preserve. Organizers say they won’t accept write-in candidates for Fat Bears photographed vacationing at Fire Island or Provincetown.

One person was killed after a crane toppled over at a construction site in Florida. “Crane…there is no defense” said Mr. Miyagi.

Paris, France is dealing with a widespread infestation of bedbugs. Though experts say they’ll likely not harm residents since bedbugs aren’t fans of body odor, either.

A black man is suing the Atlanta Police Department, saying facial recognition technology mistakenly identified him as a fugitive from Louisiana. A police spokesperson admitted they were wrong, and that they used the ‘skin tone’ recognition setting by mistake.