Happy Thanksgiving! (Thank you for not making me come to your house this year.)

Merry Christmas! (See above.)

Happy Birthday! (Social media means never having to buy greeting cards again.)

Happy Anniversary! (Didn’t see that coming. Now I owe someone money.)

You’re engaged?! Congratulations! (Maybe I can win back that money.)

Happy New Year! (Posting this at 9:50p as I go to bed.)

You’re having a baby?!  (Been nice knowing you.)

Oh my goodness your baby is so cute! (Umm..)

Your kids are getting so big! (Don’t worry, their torsos will catch up to their enormous misshapen heads.)

I’m ‘Interested’ in your Event! (We both know I’m not coming.)

I’m ‘Going’ to your Event! (See ‘Interested’.)

I’m ‘Ignoring’ your Event! (That was an accident.)

I’m so sorry for your loss. (I hope you get some money out of it.)

[Name of travel destination]?! I’m so jealous! (Please stay there forever.)

I can’t believe he’s President. (Do something meaningful for once instead of whining.)

Yum! I’m going to have to try this! (Just what you need, more processed food.)

Congratulations on the Eagles winning the Super Bowl! (Kill me.)

What a terrific lineup of comedians! (I laughed more doing my taxes than I would at this show.)

I meant to Unfollow you, but I Unfriended you. (I did Unfollow you, but it wasn’t satisfying enough so I Unfriended you, which was.)

No I didn’t see that post! (Or any of them. Sometimes I just randomly Like something of yours to keep you off balance.)

What a terrible, terrible tragedy. (I’ve already written a half-dozen jokes about it that I can’t share with anybody.)

I’m sorry you’re hurting. (You did the right thing airing it out on Facebook, because it seems like a population of really proactive, stop-at-nothing helpers on here.)

Great seats! (How much did you pay to sit that far away from the field/stage?)

::Thumbs Up emoji:: (I’m going away now.)

::Crying laughing emoji:: (Uggh.)