Vladimir Putin decreed plans to annex four territories to make them officially part of Russia – three in occupied Ukraine, and Mar-a-Lago.

Lebron James is buying a Major League Pickleball team. “I will be taking my talents to Miami” said the team’s 79-year-old captain.

Google announced that its Maps navigation app will ‘vibe check’ new neighborhoods you’re visiting, based on artificial intelligence and user feedback. Drivers exploring new Philadelphia and Chicago neighborhoods report getting lots of ‘carjack vibes’.

A study claims the average person has sex 5,778 times in a lifetime. Women report the 5,778 sexual encounters lead to roughly four orgasms.

A new docuseries ‘I Love You, You Hate Me’ explores the dark side of children’s show Barney & Friends, including the purple dinosaur’s illicit workplace relationship with costar Baby Bop.

Amazon is rolling out the first major software update for its $999 robot dog, Astro. Owners are hopeful it will reduce incidents of the dog pissing on the rug.

Mark Zuckerberg’s Little-League baseball card sold for $120,000. The back of the card listed Zuckerberg’s personal statistics, and instructions on how to access the personal information of several billion other people.

Elon Musk said Tesla’s Cybertruck – arriving in 2023 – will be able to temporarily serve as a boat. “Wow, just in the nick of time!” said residents of Florida’s Gulf Coast.

An American Airlines flight from Miami to Los Angeles landed in Texas because a female passenger repeatedly yelled “we’re all going to die!” The woman explained that by ‘we’ she meant everyone else who ordered the chicken salad snack box.

Apple executive Tony Blevins, vice president of procurement, is leaving the company after appearing in a Tik Tok video saying he “has rich cars, plays golf, and fondles big-breasted women” for a living. Blevins now plans to pursue a career in rap.

Britney Spears announced she’s pregnant with fiance Sam Asghari’s baby. But just in case, Kevin Federline petitioned for an increase in child support payments.

Etsy sellers are on strike to protest an increase in transaction fees. Sellers say the fee increase makes them feel almost as disappointed as someone receiving a gift bought on Etsy.

Following the planned closing of a K Mart in Avenel, New Jersey, just three K Marts will remain open in the United States. However, Steven Seagal will be appearing at the Grand Opening of the newest K Mart at the Kremlin.

Security for founder Mark Zuckerberg cost Facebook parent company Meta $27 million in 2021. $1 million for bodyguards, and $26 million for office workers to figure out his Facebook privacy settings.

A Belgian couple with 12 children named all of them with only the letters L, X, A & E. Names include Alex, Axel, Leax, Xela, etc. Then the woman got accidentally pregnant with a 13th child who they’ll name Floyd.

Elon Musk advocated turning all, or part, of Twitter’s headquarters into a homeless shelter since most employees are working from home. He’s not sure how big to make it, but he’ll start by housing 280 characters.

A self-driving electric taxi was pulled over by San Francisco police for operating without its lights on. The car then removed a Fleshlight from the glove compartment and asked if the cop really needed to write a ticket.

Google released the 100th Version of its Chrome Internet browser – then released the 101st version ten minutes later after a security breach in Version 100 .

In Cornville, Arizona, a javelina jumped into an open Subaru hatchback to eat a bag of Cheetos, became trapped, and knocked the shifter into neutral, causing it to roll away. A sheriff’s deputy opened the door, allowing the javelina to escape before later dying from eating Cheetos.

The Biden Administration will remove delinquency status from millions of student loan borrowers, making them ‘current’ and improving their credit scores, so they’ll soon be eligible to default on auto and home loans.

Russia opened a criminal investigation of Facebook for allowing posts calling for the death of Russian invaders in Ukraine. So far, though, the ‘Criminal Trial Of Mark Zuckerberg’ Facebook event has only Vladimir Putin ‘Going’.

Christina Haack & Tarek El Moussa announced the end of their hit HGTV show Flip Or Flop. Each said they’ll continue to flip spouses and flop into bed with other reality stars.

Empire actor Jussie Smollett – found guilty of falsely staging a hate crime – was sentenced to 150 days in jail, where’s he’s expected to get a good look at real ones.

A Billy Joel film biography is in development, despite having no rights to the music or likeness of Billy Joel. The working title is ‘Bug-eyed Guy Getting Drunk and Having Sex With Christie Brinkley

The Buffalo Bills named architecture firm Populous to design their new stadium. Populous is known for their stadium work, and for inventing warming packs to stick in your shoes, gloves & underwear.

Russia & Belarus can no longer play Pokemon Go. Russian diplomats denied starting Pokemon battles, anyway.

Two Internet ‘backbone’ providers have cut Russia off from the global internet, in a move designed to make service in Moscow & other major cities “almost as bad as Spectrum & Xfinity”.

Major League Baseball owners & players tentatively agreed to a new labor deal, and a full 162-game schedule with expanded playoffs will start April 7th, or as soon as the Houston Astros can finalize their cheat codes.

The U.S. banned the import of Russian vodka, diamonds & caviar. Cemetery workers in Forest Lawn, California reported tremors from Elizabeth Taylor spinning in her grave.

Tinder introduced background checks, to complement users’ standard backside checks.

Fox Networks ‘The Masked Singer‘ unveiled Rudy Giuliani as a contestant during a taping last week. No one is allowed to say what character he was, but everyone’s pretty sure his song was a poor choice of The Four Seasons.

The Masked Singer wanted to get Trump’s former Attorney General William Barr, but he decided to sing to the January 6th Committee instead.

A Florida boy ‘magnet fishing’ with his grandfather retrieved two military-grade sniper rifles valued at around $20,000. Then they spent the rest of the day sniper-rifle-fishing.

Ronda Rousey posted photos breastfeeding her baby backstage at WWE’s Royal Rumble wrestling event. The baby tapped out, burped, and demanded a rematch.

Milwaukee meteorologist Rebecca Shuld of CBS58 brought her new baby on-air during a recent weather forecast. The baby mostly behaved, but parts of the east coast were hit with an unexpected storm of vomit.

The U.S. Army will begin discharging enlisted men & women refusing vaccines immediately. “Alright!” said soldiers who thought it would take desertion or selling secrets to get kicked out.

An elite U.S. strike force killed Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi, head of terror group ISIS, at a home in Syria. The attack destroyed the entire second floor of the home, which will be featured in next season’s premiere of Syria HGTV ‘Fixer Upper‘.

Actor Channing Tatum said he’s “traumatized” and can’t watch Marvel movies, because Marvel Studios wouldn’t let him direct Marvel hero film ‘Gambit‘ and cancelled it. Marvel said if Tatum wants to make a lousy superhero movie he should join the Justice League.

Shares of Facebook parent company Meta plunged 22% as the company reported declining quarterly user numbers for the first time in Facebook’s history. Even worse, when Facebook asked former users if they plan to return, they replied ‘Interested’.

Rihanna is pregnant, and was seen with baby daddy A$AP Rocky buying a bigger umbrella ella ella eh eh eh.

Portugal banned employers from texting employees after normal work hours. In related news, dozens of Portugese pimps declared bankruptcy.

Instagram is testing its Take A Break feature – where users spending too much time on the app are invited to go chill out on Facebook for a while.

76% of Americans believe Facebook has a negative impact on society. The other 24% just got 50 or more Likes for their last picture.

A security guard at Philadelphia’s Christmas Village was arrested for murder. Police confiscated the gun used in the sleighing.

A lobsterman in Casco Bay, Maine caught a rare blue-and-pink ‘cotton candy’ lobster. The lobster was removed from the trap, and declared its pronouns as they/them.

Inflation reached a 30-year high, a crucial statistic cited by the National Alliance Of Eight-Year-Olds seeking increases in their weekly allowance.

A Missouri man on trial for the murder of his wife said that he researched divorce instead, but who’s got that kind of time?

Hindus in New Delhi are bathing in the sacred Yamuna River for Chhath Puja, a festival celebrating the sun. Because the river is covered in a toxic foam from chemical pollutants, they’ll return for the I Hope My Chemotherapy Works festival.

President Joe Biden marked Veterans Day with a speech at the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier. It started late because Biden wanted to wait until the Soldier’s family arrived.

A new study from Japan shows cats can use “socio-spatial cognition” from their acute sense of hearing to mentally picture where their owners are at any given time. However, they only use it to confirm that the owner is standing next to the cat food.

The New Jersey race for Governor is too close to call, and may take up to a week to determine which candidate won, and which gets whacked.

An Israeli court halted the auction of a tattoo kit, described by the seller as having been used on inmates at Auschwitz. The legality and authenticity are in question, since the tattoo templates are of a fighting leprechaun.

Facebook is ending its use of facial recognition technology, saying it will eliminate the face-recognition templates of over 1 billion people, and 50 million cats & dogs.

Zillow plans to lay off 25% of their workforce now that they’ve stopped buying and selling houses. The workers saw huge declines in their salary Zestimates.

Boston elected Michelle Wu as Mayor, the first woman and first person of color to hold the office. Things got off to a rough start during her victory speech when she said she can’t wait to sing ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ for the Boston Celtics.

ISIS activity poses a threat to the new Taliban government in Afghanistan. “Yeah, maybe we sit this one out” said the United States.

Early reviews say Marvel’s ‘Eternals‘ debuts the first sex scene in the 13-year history of the Marvel Cinematic Universe – a claim disputed by purists insisting there’s a deleted scene of Ant-Man in the Wasp’s pants.

Astronauts aboard the International Space Station ate tacos made with green chiles grown in space. The leftovers will be returned to Earth and served at a public school cafeteria’s Taco Tuesday in 2025.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos reportedly had a lengthy dinner conversation with comedian Kevin Hart, to gauge Hart’s interest in offending the LGBTQ community.

Bravo announced a new ‘Housewives‘ spinoff series, ‘Real Housewives of Dubai‘. The kicker is, all the wives are married to the same guy.

The FDA ordered stronger warnings to patients receiving breast implants, advising of the risks from possible lymphoma, and further risks from rupture of the implants, bras, t-shirts & sweaters.

The FDA warnings will be printed on boxes containing the implants, because apparently savvy boob shoppers buy them at Big Lots before taking them to a surgeon for installation.

Facebook changed its corporate name to Meta, emphasizing its shift to the Metaverse, an immersive virtual reality where you have hundreds of friends, but only a handful like anything you do there.

A Broward County, Florida school board member organized an elementary school field trip to visit Rosie’s, a famous area gay bar. Outraged parents questioned the trip, before realizing how many of the kids now have offers for after-school server & kitchen jobs.

‘Jenny’, a half-mile long trapping system, removed 63,000 pounds of trash from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch – now it will be recalibrated to remove things other than ThighMasters and old VHS porno movies.

South Korean intelligence services report North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un has lost 20 kilograms, but remains healthy. He’s practicing KETO – Killing Every Treasonous Opponent.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania woman gave birth to a baby boy while in a car on Interstate 476. Labor took around 10 minutes, but would have been even faster if she had EZ Pass.

After a video showing an unknown woman exiting the back of his delivery van went viral, Amazon terminated the driver. He then received an email from the woman estimating his severance package will be delivered in about nine months.

Joe Biden is considering $450,000 payments to families separated at the U.S.’ southern border. But they’ve already rejected dozens of claims from lazy millennials seeking to cash in by walking around El Paso asking where their parents are.

Former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was charged with misdemeanor sexual misconduct. Cuomo will respond to the charges once he meets with and fondles his attorney.

U.S. surgeons successfully transplanted a pig kidney to a human patient for the first time. However, the human patient is brain dead, so he’ll never get a chance to thank the pig.

Human remains were found near the belongings of Brian Laundrie in a Florida nature preserve. The remains were located next to a family of alligators looking at the dessert tray.

Donald Trump launched a new social media app ‘Truth Social’. Although they’re considering changing the name to ‘Facebook’ once that name is let go by the current owners.

Five veterans have resigned from embattled Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema’s advisory board. Although Sinema’s representative said she asked them to leave because they don’t know how to send bribes in Venmo.

NASA built a working electric motorcycle for moon exploration. Unfortunately violent gang Moon’s Angels already claimed the Sea of Tranquility as their turf.

LEGO issued the long-awaited ‘Home Alone‘ playset, then promptly recalled it after dozens of children suffered severe burns and puncture wounds.

‘The Sopranos’ creator David Chase is reportedly in discussions with HBO Max on a prequel series, where the lovable gang learns how to mix & pour concrete and use guns.

A tiny crab found preserved in 100-million-year-old amber lived among dinosaurs, and is believed to be responsible for annoying tyrannosaurus jock itch.

Female lawyers and judges in Afghanistan are reportedly in constant fear under the new regime. “The whole TRIAL is out of ORDER!!” said Taliban Pacino Esq.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos finally admitted that he “screwed up” – referring to his recent decision to air Rob Schneider’s stand-up special.

David Gordon Green, director of horror reboot ‘Halloween’ and ‘Halloween Kills’, says the story of the final film in the trilogy will begin with a huge time jump. The film is titled ‘Independence Day‘.

The vehicle of a woman missing for 20 years, who’d left a note saying she was going to drive into the Ohio River, was found in the Ohio River. Officials have not located or identified her body, but are already saying she could have been more specific.

Motley Crue singer Vince Neil fell off the stage at a Tennessee music festival, breaking his ribs. His fans wondered if he could ever sing again, then remembered he couldn’t sing before the accident.

Facebook disputes recent reports that its artificial intelligence can’t consistently detect hate speech or violence. They countered by providing evidence of thousands of accounts suspended for telling other users to go duck themselves.

A California woman visiting Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas discovered a 4-carat yellow diamond – and is now engaged to the coyote who gave it to her.

A meteorite crashed through the roof of a house in British Columbia, Canada, landing on a woman’s bed at 11:45 pm, missing her by inches, and wrecking the chances of the guy in bed next to her.

NASA is studying ways to build a wifi network on the moon in the hope of improving broadband availability on Earth. Unfortunately, Comcastronauts have missed two straight installation appointments.

Sean Penn’s wife, Leila George, filed for divorce from Penn after one year of marriage. Seems like it was just yesterday that he was punching the wedding photographer.

Synthetic chemicals called phthalates, found in thousands of consumer products, may be responsible for premature deaths of Americans aged 55 to 64, leading to the immediate recall of new Strawberry Phthalate Metamucil.

Bill Clinton was released from the hospital after treatment for a urinary tract infection, so female nurses are allowed to work on his floor again.

Clinical trials show a drug commonly used to treat constipation, Prucalopride, improves memory in test subjects. Online message boards report a huge surge in people taking the drug, then taking the Jeopardy! Online Test while on the toilet.

Facebook, Instagram & WhatsApp all experienced a massive outage on Monday, leading to a steep drop in home-cooked Monday night dinners since they couldn’t be photographed & shared online.

Former White House advisor Stephanie Grisham says in her new tell-all book that Melania Trump wanted to send full-length mirrors to African children “so they could see they’re very strong”. But she was also worried damages in shipment would lead to their having seven years of bad luck.

Amazon is starting their Black Friday deals early, due to “supply chain issues” – which is what they call bathroom breaks for warehouse workers.

Amazon is also instituting a $10 fee for grocery deliveries from its Whole Foods subsidiary. They say the fee includes delivery drivers telling customers which organic produce in the order is already rotten.

Rapper Boosie Badazz confirmed he’d been kicked off the Legendz Of The Streetz mega-tour because of an onstage fight and a shooting during his appearance at a Baltimore club. Promoters told him to come back once he’s Boosie ResponsibleAzz.

Dr. Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young continues her battle over their divorce settlement, claiming Dre had at least three mistresses while married. Proceedings have dragged on for months due to time involved for her lawyers to ‘depose dese hos’.

NASA’s DART mission – Double Asteroid Redirection Test – will deliberately crash a spacecraft into an asteroid to alter its path near Earth. The mission will be captained by one of the only NASA astronauts with several confirmed DUIs.

Sarah Silverman criticized the casting of non-Jewish actors to play Jewish roles. Because there aren’t enough Jewish people involved in making decisions in Hollywood.

Major League Baseball’s Cleveland Guardians – formerly Indians – will continue to sell Indians merchandise and donate the proceeds to Native American charities. They’ll also sell Guardians merchandise, but donate most of it to third-world countries.