Tuesday Jokes: July 5th

Uvalde, Texas School District Police Chief Pete Arredondo resigned his position on City Council. He’s on leave from the police force and considering joining the SWAT team – which, in his case, is Stand Watching Additional Tragedies.

The Hard Rock Hotel in Atlantic City, New Jersey settled on a new deal with striking casino workers. Unfortunately the union placed all their new wages & benefits on red and lost it.

The restaurants replacing McDonald’s in Russia opened under their new name Vkusno – I Tochka, which translates to “Tasty..and That’s It..and the McFlurry machine is still broken.”

A Long Island, NY beach lifeguard who was mimicking a distressed swimmer during a training exercise was bitten by a shark. The shark was unavailable for a follow-up training exercise because he’s working at two different beaches.

People on social media say anchovies are falling from the sky in San Francisco, as a result of birds carrying them to their nests and dropping them. That, and the hatchlings tossing them out of the tree because they don’t want to eat them either.

Carson Pickett, born with only a stump below her left elbow, became the first player with a limb difference to enter a game for the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. She was rewarded for her skill, and for being 50% less likely to be called for a hand ball.

A fan at an Eagles concert in the U.K. brawled with security as the rock band played their 70s hit ‘Take It Easy’. Guards pummeled the desperado until he came to his senses.

The CDC is investigating a deadly listeria outbreak linked to Big Olaf Creamery ice cream, which is sold only in Florida. One person died, 22 were sickened, and several kids avoided illness by letting it melt down their arm before parents angrily threw the cone away.

Subway sandwich shops are relaunching with the most aggressive menu makeover in their 60-year history. Customers will now be able to create their own custom sandwiches with a barely detectable layer of meat on them.

A Broward County, Florida man blew his hand off in a fireworks accident. The hand was then successfully attached to an alligator’s stomach.

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