$15 million in counterfeit currency was seized in Philadelphia. In the meantime, merchants are warned to be on the lookout for suspicious bills with pictures of Gritty or Nick Foles.

Subway plans to open 4,000 stores in China, making it the country’s second-biggest pandemic of the decade.

An audit of New York City police finds up to 25% of stops made by the city’s new anti-crime team were unlawful. However, the anti-crime team has an above-average success rate getting dates with attractive women during searches.

Taylor Swift was spotted at an Arkansas bar with Los Angeles Lakers guard Austin Reaves following her breakup with The 1975 frontman Matty Healy. The hookup with Reaves is surprising, since he’s not great at getting rebounds.

Pope Francis was hospitalized for abdominal surgery. Seems that years of covering up for child molesters finally made him sick to his stomach.

The 24-year-old assistant to DJ Paul Oakenfold is suing him for sexual harassment, saying he masturbated in front of her four times in a single day. Oakenfold claims he just can’t stop the beat.

Air quality in New York City is now among the world’s worst as smoke from Canadian wildfires engulfs the area. Although some residents are cancelling vacations because now they can stay home and get the smell of piss on a campfire.

America’s Got Talent judge Simon Cowell gave a ‘Golden Buzzer’ – a pass to the semi-finals – to blind singer-songwriter Putri Ariani, calling her one of the best singers ever to perform on the show. This was great news for Ariani, but a tough break for one-legged stand-up comedian Hops McGee, who followed her.

North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum announced he’s seeking the Republican nomination for President in 2024. “Who?” said residents of North Dakota.

Starting June 12th, McDonald’s will introduce a new limited-time meal honoring Grimace’s birthday. It’ll turn customer’s faces purple after they choke on it.