Researchers at the University of Cambridge found face masks made from pantyhose to be highly effective in the prevention of COVID-19. The study noted the low incidence of COVID infections in bank robbers and perverts.

Mayor Craig Shubert of Hudson, Ohio resigned a week after a meeting in which he said allowing ice fishing in the town “could lead to prostitution”. Ironically, following his resignation, three prostitutes drowned while working glory holes beneath the lake.

15-year-old Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva will be allowed to compete in remaining women’s Olympic events despite testing positive for a banned substance, and also testing positive for testicles.

Mazars USA, accounting firm for the Trump Organization, recanted the accuracy of statements they prepared for the last decade, saying they “should no longer be relied upon”, after auditors reviewed an inventory of Trump assets and only saw the word “lots”.

The Catholic Church invalidated baptisms performed by a Phoenix priest for twenty years because the priest used “we” instead of “I” during the ceremonies. “What?! Those boys I molested WEREN’T baptized?” said other Phoenix-area priests.

New York City fired 1,430 municipal workers for failure to comply with a vaccine mandate. Then they immediately posted hiring notices for 1,430 new employees to watch other people do work.

An AirAsia flight between Malaysian cities was rerouted after passengers saw a snake on board the plane. They decided to land the plane after flight attendants repeatedly tried, and failed, to duct tape it to a seat.

Virgin Galactic started accepting $150,000 deposits for space tourism flights. Although it costs an extra $75,000 for a window seat.

Khloe Kardashian revealed that Pete Davidson sent her flowers for Valentine’s Day. The card read “don’t tell your sister about Friday night”.

A bird flu outbreak at a Tyson chicken farm in Kentucky means that 240,000 birds may be killed. They’d be killed anyway, but they’ll be moved from the ‘grocery store’ group to the ‘McNuggets’ group.

Following a wild shooting outside a Wawa convenience store, Philadelphia police needed to use coffee cups from the store to mark all of the bullet casings. They intended to mark the casings with donuts, but they disappeared.

Philadelphia also surpassed 400 homicides in 2021. Mayor Jim Kenney said he’s “outraged and heartbroken”, but plans to slow things down by mandating vaccines, masks, and kevlar vests.

The Rolling Stones paid tribute to deceased drummer Charlie Watts as their tour kicked off in St. Louis, as they posted large photos of Watts on video screens, alongside a video of band members splitting a pile of cash three ways instead of four.

A home drone delivery service in Canberra, Australia shut down because ravens kept attacking the drones. The ravens are angry that the drones are flying too close to their nests, and doubly-angry that none of the parcels contain worms.

A viral video shows a woman with a portable mic & speaker walking the aisle of a Spirit Airlines flight, performing songs from her “mixtape”. She dedicated her performance in celebration of her 3rd anniversary as a Spirit Airlines flight attendant.

Dog The Bounty Hunter announced he’s joining the search for Brian Laundrie, who’s wanted in the death of Gabby Petito. Dog will focus his search on the Appalachian Trail, where there are more tv cameras than the Florida swamps.

Cheryl Burke, professional dancer on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars, will not appear for several weeks because she’s positive for COVID-19. ABC execs arranged a hastily-produced limited-run spinoff, Ventilating With the Stars.

Facebook is reportedly pausing development of an Instagram app for children, owing to heightened criticism of influencer culture, and concern that they’re not getting high enough adoption of the app from hot-looking kids.

Nestle recalled 14 tons of DiGiorno frozen pizzas for containing an ‘undeclared ingredient’, soy protein – after mouse droppings on the pizza tested positive for soy protein.

Carjacking cases are skyrocketing in New York and other cities. It’s so bad, carjackers created an app so they can carpool.

Mike Richards was fired as Executive Producer of both Jeopardy! and Wheel Of Fortune. Richards solved the puzzle M_K_ W_’R_ L_TT_NG YOU GO.

“Roaching” is the latest dating term among young adults, when they discover a partner has many other romantic contacts they don’t know about. Presumably “cockroaching” is when they discover numerous male romantic contacts.

The New England Patriots cut QB Cam Newton. He was ordered to turn in his playbook, as well as Coach Belichick’s copies of every other NFL team’s playbook.

Three unvaccinated comedians died of COVID-19 after participating in a ‘clean’ comedy contest. “What the frick?” they said from their ER beds.

An 80-pound female cougar kept as a pet was rescued from a NYC apartment. The owner didn’t care since he found a woman under 40 anyway.

Republicans are threatening telecom companies that comply with the Congressional January 6th Committee request for their private texts and messages. So far they have nothing to worry about, as Democrats are still on hold with Verizon, Xfinity, AT&T, etc.

Chloe Mrozak, 24, of Illinois, was arrested for using a fake COVID-19 vaccination card to enter Hawaii indicating she’d taken the “MADERNA” shots. Mrozak emailed her parents, saying she was stuck in a Hannalooloo jail.

A Texas school district closed after two teachers died of COVID-19. They tried to remain open, but dozens of children collapsed from exhaustion during the district’s contingency plan of all-day gym class.

A Sacramento school district says that 29 of its students remain stuck in Afghanistan. Worse, the Taliban took, and are beating them with, their marching band instruments.

Pope Francis said in an interview he never considered resigning his post, after surgery to remove half his colon. “Hey, if I didn’t quit over all those molested boys, I’m not quitting over this” he said.

Bruce Springsteen reportedly turned down a request to name a New Jersey Turnpike rest area after him. Travelers will miss out on the chance to get sick in the bathroom of the Bruce Springsteen Roy Rogers.

Evictions are expected to spike as a pandemic moratorium ends. Homeless people are cashing in by listing their appliance boxes and tarps on AirBNB.

The owners of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills are reportedly asking for over $1 billion in taxpayer money to fully fund a new stadium. One proposal calls for taxes on Buffalo tourism destinations, which would generate the money in about 1 million years.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer team lost its Olympic semifinal match to Canada, 1-0. The crushing defeat deals a serious blow to the promotional plans of Subway and multiple feminine hygiene brands.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr spent $1.8 million on new porcelain dental veneers framed with 13-carat diamonds. Beckham’s teammates claim he has horrible breath since he can only get his teeth brushed at a jewelry store.

ZZ Top frontman Billy Gibbons said that the deteriorating health of late bassist Dusty Hill was “a real big challenge”; adding that Hill dying is “an even bigger challenge”.

Google Translate will launch a new update, making it even easier for American jerks to argue over the timeliness and acccuracy of their ethnic food deliveries.

New York City officials ordered the removal of a two-story outdoor dining structure built by restaurant The Izakaya NYC. The structure violated building codes, and several people suffered broken limbs walking around looking for the 2nd-floor restroom.

A man pleaded guilty to the 1971 theft of a Revolutionary War rifle from the Valley Forge Historical Park Visitor Center. The rifle will be returned to the Center once restoration experts remove the Lynyrd Skynyrd and Toby Keith stickers from it.

Matt Damon said that he’s “retired” the word ‘f*ggot’ from his vocabulary over objections from his daughters, but now he needs new nicknames for Ben Affleck and George Clooney.

A new study finds walking immediately after a meal reduces gas. However, the findings are disputed by people walking behind study participants.

Michigan confirmed 25 cases of the highly contagious COVID-19 Delta variant – one person at an urgent care, and 24 people waiting in cars at the Chick-fil-A drive-thru next door.

New York City holds its Democratic Mayoral primary election, with eight official candidates vying to see if they can get more votes than Lin-Manuel Miranda gets write-ins.

A California appeals court has temporarily upheld the state’s ban on assault weapons, making workplace retirement parties just a little safer for now.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte is threatening to jail citizens who don’t get vaccinated against COVID-19. His stance is worrying incarcerated murderers, who don’t want to listen to anti-vaxxers all day.

A South African woman who claimed to have given birth to 10 babies at once was admitted to a psychiatric ward after doctors found no physical evidence of her alleged c-section, only balloon shrapnel in her sweatpants.

Retired quarterback Eli Manning is taking a job in business development with the New York Giants. So far he’s been assigned three projects, two are incomplete and the third was intercepted by a coworker.

A French engineer claims to have cracked the long-unsolved Z13 and Z32 ciphers of the Zodiac Killer. Cryptographers think he’s wrong, since he theorizes Z13 is ‘KAYE’, a clue to the killer’s name, and Z32 is ‘Drink More Ovaltine’.

Actress Jordana Brewster of the Fast & Furious movie franchise revealed she had a crush on co-star Paul Walker after finding out he had a crush on her. It never worked out because Paul ended up crushing on a Porsche and a tree.

Medical journal JAMA said COVID-19 infections are twice as high in households that hosted a children’s birthday party – and even higher in households that hired FreeZo – the Libertarian, Anti-Vaccination Party Clown.

Amazon warehouses introduced AmaZen meditation booths, where stressed out workers can meditate and watch company-approved mindfulness videos while they privately urinate into soda bottles.

The FDA approved Wegovy, an injectable diabetes drug, for weight loss in adults with chronic obesity. It’s being called a “game changer”, and the second-most effective injection to fight obesity – the first being anesthesia before lap-band surgery.

A naked 53-year-old woman was tasered and arrested after trashing an Outback Steakhouse, breaking liquor bottles and throwing them at police. She plans to invoke the ‘No Rules, Just Right’ defense.

A self-described “Trump man” in Ohio was charged with littering for repeatedly defecating and urinating on his neighbor’s lawn because he’s a Democrat. The man’s dog was also charged for not bagging and disposing of his waste.

Israeli Prime Minister Benajamin Netanyahu claims the coalition forces trying to unseat him are perpetrating the “greatest election fraud” in the history of democracy .. or, according to his good friend, the greatest fraud in about the last seven months.

Jeff Bezos and his younger brother Mark will be aboard Bezos’ Blue Origin first manned space rocket flight on July 20. Their kids have blocked out the week after, just in case they need to figure out how to spend their inheritance.

Former One Direction singer Liam Payne called off his engagement to model Maya Henry, saying he’s one month sober and that he needs to “work on himself” – and dozens of former One Direction groupies.

A man shot in the leg by a member of rapper DaBaby’s entourage plans to file an injury lawsuit, leaving DaBaby rattled.

A 30-year-old El Paso mom was arrested for posing as her 13-year-old 7th grade daughter at her school, to highlight a lack of security and poor teacher attentiveness. She was discovered after bombing a spelling test and getting undressed for gym.

New York is planning a Central Park megaconcert to celebrate the city’s reopening. Producer Clive Davis said he’s seeking eight stars to co-headline the bill, stating they should be “iconic” and “not named Lee Greenwood or Kid Rock”.

Barack Obama & Bruce Springsteen are producing a podcast about marriage, music and American Life. Toby Keith & Donald Trump are launching their own podcast, to talk about how much they hate Bruce Springsteen & Barack Obama.

American Idol fans were angry about a trans boy being sent home from his audition, while a lesser talent singing a Pitbull song advanced. The judges defended their choice, saying Hollywood has room for two lesser talents singing Pitbull songs.

Karachi, Pakistan is training a rollerblade police force. Several bank robbers have evaded capture by covering their escape route with Tinkertoys.

Tiger Woods suffered leg injuries in a car crash. Initial reports said he had to be removed with the jaws of life, but medics were able to get him out with a wedge.

The FDA confirmed the efficacy and safety of Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine, especially in severe cases. J&J is calling it ‘No More Ventilators’.

Texas won a court case halting the Biden Administration’s 100-day ban on deporting illegal immigrants. Said illegal immigrants “it’s okay, you can deport us, its freezing here”.

A German court convicted a Syrian officer for crimes against humanity, for sending protestors to a prison known for using torture. Because if there’s a country that knows about crimes against humanity, it’s Germany.

Jim Bell, Chief Financial Officer of Gamestop, is resigning, informing coworkers with a message on his computer screen reading GAME OVER.

New York City is reopening movie theaters, just in time for the big premiere of nothing much.

China’s Tianwen-1 Mars expedition craft entered a ‘parking orbit’ prior to landing. China’s Mars rover is expected to touch down in May, then promptly back into NASA’s Perseverance rover.

Actor Bruce Willis was kicked out of a Rite Aid pharmacy for refusing to wear a face mask, so he still doesn’t know how much money he can save with his GoodRX card.

Congress is voting to impeach Donald Trump. CSPAN is reminding viewers that this is original content, not a rerun.

Anti-Trump activists are pledging $50 Million to Republicans who support impeachment. Texas Representative Louie Gohmert stepped down and will yield his seat to his long-lost anti-Trump triplet brothers, Hewey and Dewey Gohmert.

After a photo of a lookalike went viral, Chuck Norris’ agent said the actor was not at the January 6th DC riots. Millions of Americans were fooled, and also surprised that Chuck Norris still has an agent.

The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service is investigating how a protected manatee in Florida ended up with the word TRUMP etched into the algae on its skin. Their first step was confirming that it was, indeed, a manatee, and not Chris Christie.

New York City is cancelling all contracts with the Trump Organization. Trump managed two NYC skating rinks, a golf course, the Central Park carousel, and a big-ticket roster of high-priced call girls.

Ellen Degeneres said she found out she’d tested positive for COVID-19 in December while backstage at her talk show. She returned to the show yesterday to find the production assistant who gave her the bad news – and fired them.

General Motors debuted a flying concept car, the Cadillac Halo. Senior citizens are encouraged to get on the waiting list and be the first to crash a Halo in to their garage door.

YouTube took down newly-uploaded video content from Donald Trump and gave his account one ‘strike’, or a 7-day ban. Content moderators say he isn’t quite ready yet for standup comedy.

Gaming company Razer is using vending machines to give away free face masks in Singapore, leading to a 1000% increase in canings to pedestrians who toss them on the sidewalk.

Brad Pitt, 56, is reportedly dating 27-year-old Nicole Poturalski. She’s married to 68-year-old restaurant owner Roland Mary, but they supposedly have an ‘open’ relationship. So, Roland Mary should be open to getting dumped.

Researchers find that people could get help losing weight if they eat their own fecal microbiome. Or, if they want to eat others’ fecal microbiome and not lose weight, they can stick with Chipotle.

The Jacksonville Jaguars surprisingly cut starting running back Leonard Fournette. Fournette was last seen happily rushing for several thousand yards out of Jacksonville.

American Bryan Piccioli leads all competitors in the World Series of Poker, which is taking place online for the first time. Piccioli credits being able to stay relaxed by watching porn at the same time.

French tennis player Benoit Paire tested positive for COVID-19 ‘inside the bubble’ at the U.S. Open. He’s been called “out”.

A 3-year-old Taiwanese girl was caught in a giant kite during a kite-flying festival, sending her high into the air. The girl landed safely with two arms, two legs and a new tail.

A TikTok user shared video showing a McDonald’s hamburger and fries stored in her closet for 25 years. The food hadn’t decomposed, but her grandkids still refuse to have lunch at her house.

Katy Perry shared an unfiltered postpartum selfie wearing a breast-pumping bra and disposable underwear. Baby daddy Orlando Bloom saw it and filed for divorce, but then remembered they’re not married yet.

Google Maps is testing showing traffic lights on streets. Drivers are looking forward to staring at their phone to see if the light turned green.

A new study found hotel elevator buttons have 700 times more germs than a household toilet seat – and about 10,000 times fewer germs than the underside of a household toilet seat.

Donald Trump said he’s planning a trip to Arizona, possibly to tour a facility that makes personal protective equipment – guns.

California plans to close all state beaches and parks, so Instagram is beefing up bandwidth to host live events for guys who can only do bench presses while other people watch.

Britney Spears said a fire destroyed her home gym. Her trainer told her she needed to feel her muscles burning.

The Cincinnati Bengals are releasing QB Andy Dalton – meaning one less tiger in captivity.

Sales of bargain beer Busch Light have increased 44% during the pandemic. They’re considering changing the slogan from ‘Head for the Mountains’ to ‘Head for the Unemployment Website’.

Makers of the Teracube budget smartphone say they want to create a ‘sustainable’ smartphone, and guarantee it will last for 4 years. It costs $269 and you leave it in a drawer.

Police in New York City found dozens of bodies in unrefrigerated U-Haul trucks outside a funeral home. In other news, city residents moving in May can get a great deal on a U-Haul truck.

An Illinois stripper who drove to New York City “because I felt like I was the coronavirus” was arrested for carrying 18 knives in her car. She was taken to a hospital, strip searched, and made $15 in ones.

Costco will require shoppers to wear masks. Those without a mask can buy a box of 500 of them.

NFL QB Jameis Winston – released by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and signed by the New Orleans Saints – said he had LASIK eye surgery. He claims he can now read street signs, and see which defensive backs he’s throwing interceptions to.