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$15 million in counterfeit currency was seized in Philadelphia. In the meantime, merchants are warned to be on the lookout for suspicious bills with pictures of Gritty or Nick Foles.

Subway plans to open 4,000 stores in China, making it the country’s second-biggest pandemic of the decade.

An audit of New York City police finds up to 25% of stops made by the city’s new anti-crime team were unlawful. However, the anti-crime team has an above-average success rate getting dates with attractive women during searches.

Taylor Swift was spotted at an Arkansas bar with Los Angeles Lakers guard Austin Reaves following her breakup with The 1975 frontman Matty Healy. The hookup with Reaves is surprising, since he’s not great at getting rebounds.

Pope Francis was hospitalized for abdominal surgery. Seems that years of covering up for child molesters finally made him sick to his stomach.

The 24-year-old assistant to DJ Paul Oakenfold is suing him for sexual harassment, saying he masturbated in front of her four times in a single day. Oakenfold claims he just can’t stop the beat.

Air quality in New York City is now among the world’s worst as smoke from Canadian wildfires engulfs the area. Although some residents are cancelling vacations because now they can stay home and get the smell of piss on a campfire.

America’s Got Talent judge Simon Cowell gave a ‘Golden Buzzer’ – a pass to the semi-finals – to blind singer-songwriter Putri Ariani, calling her one of the best singers ever to perform on the show. This was great news for Ariani, but a tough break for one-legged stand-up comedian Hops McGee, who followed her.

North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum announced he’s seeking the Republican nomination for President in 2024. “Who?” said residents of North Dakota.

Starting June 12th, McDonald’s will introduce a new limited-time meal honoring Grimace’s birthday. It’ll turn customer’s faces purple after they choke on it.

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Ocean City, New Jersey implemented a new curfew and other restrictions after the mayor said crowds of unruly teens threaten their status as ‘America’s Greatest Family Resort’. Teens are encouraged to go to Wildwood, to help retain their status as ‘America’s Dirtbag Headquarters’.

Chris Christie is set to announce his 2024 presidential campaign. His run for president is the only run he’s done in a really long time.

The head of U.S. Border Patrol is retiring. The occasion will be marked by a ceremony with the one-millionth illegal immigrant of his tenure entering the U.S. while he isn’t looking.

83-year-old Al Pacino is expecting a child with girlfriend Noor Alfallah. The pregnancy comes as a surprise for Pacino, who thought his whole system was out of order!!

HBO estimates 2.9 million people watched the Succession finale Sunday night – although somehow an estimated 4 million people bitched about it on social media afterward.

Retired baseball star Alex Rodriguez said he’s been diagnosed with early-stage gum disease. He said because of that he’s considering quitting gum.

Researchers unearthing 1,500-year-old mass burial sites in England are using skeletal DNA to learn about the bacteria that caused the plague. They tried using teeth, but most of those were already lost to British cooking & hygiene.

Convicted Manson Family murderer Leslie Van Houten was recommended for parole in California, but faces a legal battle since Governor Gavin Newsom had barred her release. Van Houten’s lawyers argue that Van Houten is in her 70s and only has limited time to get her ownn reality show.

Chick-fil-A hired its first-ever head of diversity, equity and inclusion – in order to ensure the company is staffed with a representive mix of ages, ethnicities and skin color of straight people.

A choir on America’s Got Talent paid tribute to prior-season contestant Nightbirde, who’d since died of cancer, performing a song she’d written and sung on the show. It made judge Simon Cowell cry before telling them that their harmonies were flat and terrible.