A pregnant inmate escaped police custody at a hospital in Rochester, New York, but was recaptured hours later. Police don’t know when her baby is due, but they requested a sonogram to determine whether the newborn will get a pink or blue ankle bracelet.

University hospital researchers in Dallas say that exercising just two or three days per week could be beneficial to heart health, with the exception of people too poor to own a car who walk to Popeye’s.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation claims that the children’s movie ‘Show Dogs’ features scenes that normalize genital touching to its young audience, since a talking dog is taught to allow dog show judges to touch his genitals. Parents are being told to talk to their kids about predatory sexual behavior, and to not enter their children in dog shows.

Atlantic City, New Jersey reports that its casino earnings are “profitable, but shrinking.” Longtime Atlantic City prostitutes are using the same “profitable, but shrinking” phrase to describe the genitals of their aging clientele.

‘Dancing With The Stars’ crowned figure skater Adam Rippon its newest champion, stunning observers who doubted a gay male could succeed at both figure skating and ballroom dancing.

Jessica McCusker, tax clerk in a Philadelphia suburb, was charged with felony embezzlement for taking over $200,000 in property tax payments that residents made in cash. Officials say that cash payments for property taxes are no longer allowed, and must be made either by check, hoagies, or opioids.

Videos posted to Twitter show a Minnesota restaurant patron throwing a glass of water on Fox News Commentator Tomi Lahren, and Lahren melting.

Carson Meyer, a college hockey player for the University of Miami, suffered from loss of appetite, weight loss and fatigue, then went to the bathroom and found that he’d passed a two-foot-long tapeworm. Meyer has modified his diet to cut out raw fish, and the tapeworm was ejected for fighting to stay in his intestine.

According to the Federal Reserve’s ‘Report on the Economic Well-Being of Households in 2017’, 40 percent of adults don’t have the money to cover a $400 emergency expense. Mainly because they’re millennials whose parents don’t know how to Venmo them the 400 bucks.

The Centers for Disease Control gave the all-clear to eat romaine lettuce again, following a widespread E.coli outbreak. “Finally!” said hungry hamsters and guinea pigs.