Ticketmaster’s Chief Financial Officer will testify before the U.S. Senate regarding the Taylor Swift ticketing fiasco. He will be required to stand for the duration of his testimony, unless he pays $199 plus fees for premium seating.

Republican Congressman George Santos took to Twitter to criticize the impressions of him by Bowen Yang on Saturday Night Live and Jon Lovitz on The Tonight Show. He particularly criticized Yang, since he wore a size 4 dress and Santos is at least a 14.

Four leaders of the Oath Keepers were found guilty of seditious conspiracy for their role planning the January 6th insurrection. They were also found guilty of lesser charges of underestimating attendance and running out of snacks.

Nominations for the 95th Academy Awards were released. Another year, another Academy Board of Governors Lifetime Achievement Award snub for Jim Varney.

M&Ms suspended the appearance of its talking cartoon Spokescandies in ads, and announced Maya Rudolph as their new Spokesperson. Werther’s Originals introduced their new Spokescandy, a non-verbal dementia patient.

Five years after his murder, a ‘surprise’ single from rapper XXXTentacion was released. As for other music, that single is likely the XXXtent of it.

The Sundance Film Festival debuted ‘Infinity Pool’, an NC-17 movie featuring cloning, orgies, executions and graphic male ejaculation. Audience polling was negative, but most patrons said it still beat having to sit through Aquaman 2.

Oreo Cookies newest offering is The Most Oreo Oreo – an Oreo cookie with bits of Oreo cookie wafers in the creme center. They recommend dunking it in milk that already has Oreos floating in it.

Frontman & founder Brandon Urie announced he’s breaking up his band, Panic! at the Disco now that he & his wife are expecting a baby. He also announced a future project Colic! at the Urie House.

Disney fans are selling water from the Splash Mountain ride at Disney World now that it’s being closed down and are asking $150/bottle. Nobody’s buying, but the Centers for Disease Control are offering to buy bottles of water from Disney resort pools.

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, 42, said she’s resigning rather than seeking reelection because she lacks the energy to continue in the job. “Hint, hint” said U.S. Democrats.

The Federal Government reached its debt ceiling limit, admitting it overspent on Christmas presents.

Meghan Markle’s mother said in the Netflix documentary ‘Harry & Meghan‘ that she regrets not making her daughter more aware of racial prejudice. “That’s okay, we took care of it” said Britain’s Royal Family.

Kim Kardashian bought a diamond-&-amethyst cross necklace owned by Princess Diana for $197,000. She plans to wear it for good luck when she’s being chased by paparazzi in her car.

Sports Illustrated 2023 Swimsuit Issue’s newest ‘Rookie’ is 40-year-old mom & fitness influencer Melissa Wood-Tepperberg. To make room for the her and another Rookie, SI announced two Veteran models who gained 10 pounds were released.

Alec Baldwin is now charged in the shooting death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of ‘Rust‘. Baldwin’s name will go above the title of his next project, Involuntary Manslaughter Trial.

Dozens of inmates in Texas prisons are in the second week of hunger strikes, to protest their indefinite solitary confinement. Although some are eating but just saying they’re on strike, since there aren’t any cellmates to snitch on them lying about it.

Republican Congressman George Santos dressed as drag queen ‘Kitara’ while in Brazil in 2008, disqualifying him from reading at Kirk Cameron Library StoryTime.

A city council meeting held via Zoom in Flintshire, Wales was interrupted by a man who hacked into it, masturbated on camera, and said “Cum. I want you to cum with me.” He was removed, and his suggestion was narrowly voted down 6-5.

Michigan firefighters came to the rescue of a sheep who wandered out on a partially-frozen lake and fell through the ice. The fire chief warned residents to be more careful, saying this “could happen to anyone, even ewe..”

Herschel Walker is alleged to have fathered a child with a woman, and also paid for her abortion – showing Walker can either run with fatherhood, or pass on it.

Peloton is cutting 500 more jobs, but is offering outplacement to fired workers, giving them names and addresses of Peloton owners so they can go help fold the clothes hanging on their bikes.

Joe Biden and Ron Desantis met in Florida to monitor disaster relief efforts following Hurricane Ian. Biden returned to Washington, but only after removing 100 immigrants that Desantis snuck into the cargo hold of Air Force One.

Kanye West defended his White Lives Matter shirt – writing of white lives via Instagram “THEY DO” mattter. “Well, I guess we’re inviting him to the cookout!” said the Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK.

Adam Sandler said he has trouble maintaining the same body weight over the course of a three month movie shoot. His frequent costar Kevin James said he has the same problem over the course of an eight-hour workday.

A high school golf team cancelled practice when they arrived at their course to find a local strip club was hosting a tournament featuring exotic dancers. Most of the team left, but a few of them stayed behind hoping to watch or play a few holes.

A woman’s soccer coach at a Texas university was suspended amidst allegations of her ‘making out’ with mens soccer players, and asking her team to loan her bail money after a DUI. She is now evaluating teaching offers from multiple Texas high schools.

SEPTA, Philadelphia’s mass transit authority, announced their new plan for crime, cleanliness and drug use in stations: ignore all of it.

The FBI allegedly tracked ‘Queen Of Soul’ Aretha Franklin for 40 years due to suspected ties to “black extremists”. The newly-released files were titled S-U-S-P-E-C-T.

An American tourist broke two ancient sculptures at the Vatican after he was refused a visit with the Pope. The sculptures are currently being restored, marking the first time His Holiness has blessed tubes of Gorilla Glue.

The Nobel Prize was awarded to three quantum physicists who explained particles’ “spooky behavior at a distance”. The recipients: Drs Velma, Shaggy & Daphne, determined it was really Old Man Jefferson trying to collect insurance money from his abandoned particle farm.

Kanye West wore a ‘White Lives Matter’ shirt at a surprise Yeezy Fashion Show, which also doubled as the first Trump rally held in Paris.

The Lake Erie Walleye fishing tournament disqualified two entrants when judges found lead weights in fish they’d caught. The fishermen unsuccessfully argued they’d caught the fish after an underwater gunfight between rival schools.

Jeffrey Dahmer was known to wear bright yellow-colored contact lenses, to emulate both Star Wars‘ Emperor Palpatine and a murderer in the film Exorcist III. This confused his mother, who thought he had too many kidneys in his diet.

The broken Nord Stream gas pipeline beneath the Baltic Sea was repaired, but over 500,000 gallons of methane had escaped. The government of Denmark called in experts in massive methane discharge – dairy farmers, and workers who clean the restrooms on the New Jersey Turnpike.

A man carrying a pink smoke bomb ran on to the playing field during Monday night’s Rams/49ers game, and was leveled by Rams linebacker Bobby Wagner. The man has entered the NFL’s concussion and multiple-fractured-vertebrae protocols.

Hilaria Baldwin shared a photo with husband Alec and their seven children together. “Great shot!” said their friends, which is something Alec hasn’t heard in a while.

The BET Hip-Hop Awards will be held Tuesday night. Producers say they’ll leave a couple of spots in the show’s In Memoriam segment open just in case someone gets shot on the red carpet.

Georgia GOP Senate candidate Herschel Walker, who is ‘pro-life’, allegedly paid for a girlfriend’s abortion in 2009. Walker denies the claim, adding that it was 13 years and 20 abortions ago.

Sources claim Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have hired divorce lawyers, adding that Brady has already activated several lingerie models from his practice squad.

79-year-old Joe Biden told 60 Minutes that the pandemic is over, referring to COVID-19 and his childhood battle with the black plague.

A Utah polygamist sect is accused of unpaid labor, sex abuse, human trafficking and not letting anyone drink caffeinated coffee.

Queen Elizabeth was laid to rest after a brief 14-hour funeral ceremony.

Nissan recalled 200,000 pickup trucks because of a rollaway risk while in ‘Park’ – delighting owners who now have a great excuse for not helping their friends move.

Donald Trump said that the FBI agents who “ransacked” his Mar-a-Lago home didn’t even remove their shoes before searching his bedroom – unlike the Secret Service agents who enter the bedroom to ‘protect’ Melania.

Queen Elizabeth’s scone recipe is going viral following her death, and following the choking deaths of dozens of people eating them.

Two tickets to Michael Jordan’s first Chicago Bulls NBA game in 1984 are expected to sell at auction for over $300,000. Or, with Ticketmaster fees, about $600,000.

Brett Favre is implicated in a scheme to use Mississippi state welfare funds to build a new volleyball stadium at his daughter’s college. He faces home imprisonment where he’ll be monitored via Copper Fit ankle bracelet.

Denver’s airport has the world’s largest animal therapy program, with dozens of dogs walking throughout the airport where anxious travelers can pet them. Philadelphia’s airport has the largest animal employment program, where gorillas take their time handling checked bags.

An Arizona milkshake shop broke a world record by creating 266 different flavors in over an hour. They were then given a terrible Yelp review by a 75-year-old customer waiting an hour to get the vanilla shake they ordered.

A new study finds extreme temperatures fuel online hate speech, in a phenomenon scientists call Hot Racist Girl Summer.

Middle school boys in Rhode Island created a ‘pedo database’ of their male teacher’s interactions with girls, including calling them ‘sweetheart’ and making them dance for him. The teacher is currently suspended, and girls angrily wait to see which of them won the dance-off.

Alabama may use nitrogen hypoxia – a form of asphyxiation – for executions in death sentences. Right now the only holdup is finding an Alabama judge to issue the death warrant who can spell ‘hypoxia’.

A Canadian family is taking a world tour with their four children before they lose their vision to retinitis pigmentosa. They’ll still take vacations years from now, which they call sight-notseeing tours.

A 22-year-old man was arrested for heckling Prince Andrew during the procession of Queen Elizabeth’s coffin in Scotland. The man thought Prince Andrew would prefer chasing after the box of a much younger woman.

The Department of Justice seized the cell phones of Donald Trump associates implicated in the January 6th riots and efforts to overturn the 2020 election. The men who lost the phones asked for the appointment of a Special Master to delete all of the dick pics.

An Australian man was killed by a kangaroo – the first documented kangaroo fatality since 1936. Investigators say the kangaroo was a licensed gun owner.

Senator Lindsey Graham plans to introduce legislation for a nationwide abortion ban, saying pregnant women have never really been his thing, anyway.

Ray J said Kris Jenner is lying, and that she watched the sex tapes he made with Kim Kardashian. Not only that, but Kris can be heard yelling ‘Action’ and ‘Cut’ on them.

A family in suburban Philadelphia claims their mailbox has been blown up three times in eight days. They plan to stop ordering vegan meal kits from Hello Fresh.

Premium streaming services HBO Max and Discovery+ will combine next year. Viewers are already excited for Euphoria: Naked and Afraid.

WNBA star Britney Griner reportedly won over Russian prison guards who told her “everything will be OK!” before the conclusion of her trial. She was sentenced to 9 years and guards said “OK maybe not!”

Amazon is acquiring iRobot for over a billion dollars. iRobot technology will continue to suck up household dirt and human jobs in warehouses.

A lightning strike killed two people and injured two others in Washington DC. Members of Congress said this still won’t stop them from lying.

Actress Christina Ricci said in an interview that Johnny Depp first explained homosexuality to her when she was nine years old. Ricci appreciated it, but said she could have done without watching the movies Depp showed her.

Singer Doja Cat surprised fans on Instagram, revealing she’d shaved her head and eyebrows and claiming she “never liked” having hair. Instagram temporarily crashed from the influx of shaved ‘cat’ comments.

Tyler Perry doesn’t want to talk about race issues with his 7-year-old son Aman yet. He’s saving that for Tyler Perry’s ‘Tyler Perry Talks About Race With His Son Aman.’ Coming soon to theaters.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers said he wouldn’t have been NFL MVP the last two seasons without having a ‘magical’ experience taking hallucinogen ayahuasca. He’s looking for a new drug that can help him win playoff games.

A woman shared an essay with the Huffington Post, saying she had sex for the first time in 10 years and it landed her in the emergency room. Her boyfriend also shared an essay, saying he was right that they should practice sex more often.

Firefighters were called to remove a bear from the laundry room of a Santa Barbara County, California home. The bear had broken a water pipe to drink from it. and left with the firefighters once his socks were dry.

Extended drought lowered the level of Nevada’s Lake Mead, to the point where it revealed a sunken World War II-era Higgins Boat used to carry personnel for sea-to-land invasions. In addition to the boat, researchers found a terrible set of directions to Normandy Beach.

A woman in Reddit’s “Am I The A**hole” forum said she interrupted her husband’s online livestream after coming home to find their 7-month-old unfed and with a full diaper. She claimed their baby had livestreamed her pants at least an hour earlier.

KLM Airlines told passengers at Amsterdam’s airport their systems broke and they wouldn’t accept any checked bags. Bathroom lines were a quarter-mile long as smugglers frantically moved all the drugs they could from suitcases to their rectums.

Baywatch star Donna D’Errico clapped back at women who said she’s too old to post Instagram photos in a bikini at age 54. Supporters came to her aid, including a horny David “Mitch Buchannon” Hasselhoff, who sang “I’ll be there” as he rang her doorbell.

Donald Trump reportedly watched the January 6th riots on tv for 187 consecutive minutes. The January 6th Commission called it a dereliction of duty, and the longest tv program to hold his attention since the Miss Teen USA Pageant.

A 20-person brawl between two groups erupted at Disney World after a disagreement about line-cutting. Disney Cast Member personnel finall broke it up after two princesses and Wizard Mickey failed to stop it with magic spells.

A teacher went viral on Tik Tok for saying he left his $43,000/yr teaching job to make $65-70,000 as a Walmart manager by “not using his degree”. That, and he gets to steal a lot cooler stuff than just school supplies.

Bruce Springsteen fans are outraged by Ticketmaster’s ‘dynamic pricing’ of tickets to his 2023 tour as high as $5,000 each. They’re even angrier at dynamic ‘You Might Also Like’ suggestions of John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band tickets for $5 each.

Qantas Airlines booked a couple’s 13-month-old baby on a separate flight from Europe to Thailand as they tried to make their way home to Australia. The baby was cool with it since the parents were angry and he was looking forward to breast-feeding from somebody new.

A woman who has sex with her husband on Only Fans had trouble keeping up with her husband’s libido, so she spent $1,800 on a lookalike sex doll. She’s glad her husband has sex with the doll, but angry that the new Only Fans he started with the doll makes more money.

The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers announced a plan to build a privately funded arena in downtown Philadelphia. Philly Police don’t know if the city is ready for another 80 or so shots on game nights.

Ivana Trump was buried yesterday, following a closed-casket funeral that featured Donald Trump opening the casket to make sure she didn’t still have anything of his.

Kylie Jenner is being dragged on social media as a ‘climate criminal’ for taking rides on her private jet as short as three minutes. She defended her actions, saying some days her 12 cars won’t start.

The NFL’s New York Giants announced two ‘Legacy Games’ where they’ll wear their throwback uniforms from the Super Bowl Championship era of the 80s & 90s. Unfortunately for fans, they’ll still play like it’s 2022.

The prosecution rested its case in Steve Bannon’s contempt of Congress trial after just two days, two witnesses, and zero showers, shaves or shampoos for the defendant.

Police in Pennsylvania were called to a home where a man was in cardiac arrest while being strangled by a 15-foot snake. An officer killed the snake by shooting it in the head, then was placed on administrative leave because the snake was unarmed.

An An, the world’s oldest male panda in captivity died at age 35 in Hong Kong. He lived in a theme park zoo along with male Ye Ye and female Ling Ling, who say they’ll miss the threesomes.

A redhead spotted with Johnny Depp during an appearance in Italy was confirmed not to be a girlfriend, but as a French teacher working on his new movie, ‘Jeanne du Barry‘. The reports were confirmed when she & Depp were spotted Frenching in a limousine.

Police in Utah released video of an incident where a 4-year-old fired a single shot at them following an altercation involving the child’s father at a McDonald’s drive-thru. The restaurant manager said his Utah location had mistakenly received Happy Meal toys intended for Texas.

Amazon is expanding into healthcare with the acquisition of primary care company One Health. Analysts expected the news when they saw red-hot Prime Day deals on pacemakers and replacement joints.

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline changed numbers to 988. Suicidal callers to 911 will be told they have the wrong number.

Former Victoria’s Secret models say they had to wear balloons & toys as lingerie during runway shows. They were embarrassed because the items weren’t real clothes, and creeped out by the guys who paid to attach and blow up the balloons.

Delta Air Lines bought one-hundred Boeing 737 Max passenger jets, its first purchase from Boeing in over 10 years. Delta expects the planes to be ready for cancelled flights in 2025.

Thieves stole $100 milion in jewels from an armored car en route to a trade show in Los Angeles. LAPD is currently conducting a series of search warrants on rappers’ teeth.

Golf influencer & model Paige Spiranac is Maxim Magazine’s 2022 Sexiest Woman Alive. Spiranac accepted the award, saying she hasn’t felt this honored since Tiger Woods asked her to hold his putter.

Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck married in Las Vegas. Their six combined marriages put them just four punches away from a free ceremony at the Little White Wedding Chapel.

Texas House of Representatives review of the Uvalde school shooting finds ‘systemic failure’ in the police response, in their official report, entitled ‘Duh’.

Stephanie Davison of 90 Day Fiance reportedly paid $2,700 for a one-hour date with another of the show’s ‘stars’, Stephanie Matto. Davison wants to ask Matto – who sells her farts and boob sweat in jars – for “marketing tips”. Matto plans to show Davison how to Google “wholesale jars”.

Rapper Ne-Yo said his new album took four years to complete, citing the influence of the pandemic, and because he couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with COVID.

Jamie Keeton of Wisconsin broke the Guinness World Record by simultaneously suctioning 10 Coke cans to his shaved head for five seconds. He then suffered a concussion after vigorously shaking his skull in a recycling bin.