A Florida boy had to be rescued after he climbed inside of a toy claw machine in a restaurant lobby. Rescuers removed the boy, over the objections of his sister who demanded that they rescue a stuffed bear instead.

• The boy was removed from the claw machine unharmed, so owners of the restaurant are now charging $10/hour for other diners to leave their children in it.

White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter resigned after reports he physically abused both of his two ex-wives. The White House hopes Porter is the last of the abusers on staff, but just in case they’re cancelling the ‘Win A Dream Date With Stephen Miller’ contest.

• President Trump was reportedly ‘disheartened’, ‘surprised’ and ‘saddened’ by the reports of Porter’s spousal abuse, but told Porter to buck up, he can still be President someday.

Vladimir Putin admits that he doesn’t have a smartphone, saying that he already spends too much time on Facebook and Twitter making thousands of political posts each day.

Defense Secretary James Mattis said that undocumented ‘Dreamers’ currently enlisted in the U.S. military will not be deported;  rather, they’ll be sent on all-expenses-paid trips to exotic destinations such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

A California woman’s post – showing disgusting fungus & bacteria grown in a petri dish held under a restroom hand dryer – has gone viral. The maker of the hand dryer, World Dryer, challenged the photo, saying that the woman should have wiped the petri dish on her pants to properly complete the hand drying process.

L.L. Bean has cut back its legendary ‘Lifetime Return Policy’ to one year. So you’d better hope barn coats come back in style.

Samsung may have violated United Nations economic sanctions by giving Galaxy Note 8 phones to Olympic athletes from North Korea. Samsung dismissed the criticism, saying that the phones won’t work anyway on North Korea’s leading cell provider: Un Mobile.

President Trump signed a budget bill to avert the latest threat of a government shutdown, allowing White House employees to return to work backstabbing and sexually harassing each other.