JCPenney CEO Marc Rosen told CNN he believes the store is still relevant to younger shoppers – younger than 80.

Donald Trump suggested throwing out the U.S. Constitution. He was then told that the availability of McRib was not included in it.

Tens of thousands of North Carolina residents are without power after a utility substation was bombarded with gunfire, causing millions in damage. Shockingly, the shooters missed the opossum they were hunting for dinner.

ABC News President said Good Morning America co-anchors Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes – who cheated on their spouses with each other – will not appear for their 1pm show today, since their affair damages the ‘GMA brand’. The ‘GMA brand’ represents people who watch tv at 1 in the afternoon and don’t have sex.

Bob McGrath, an original star of Sesame Street, passed away at age 90. He will be eulogized in a speech of numbers 1 through 90 by The Count, in a ceremony brought to you by the letter D.

Rapper Travis Scott and partner Kylie Jenner were criticized for taking separate private jets from California to Scott’s performance at Art Basel in Miami. This was before it was discovered their two children, ages 4 years and 10 months, flew from L.A. to Miami on Spirit.

Kelly Clarkson alleges a strange man keeps showing up at her house leaving unwanted gifts, and has repeatedly called the cops. The man repeatedly told the cops he has a standing daily delivery of Popeye’s chicken.

WWE wrestling Hall Of Famer Barry Windham is in an intensive care unit after suffering a heart attack in the Atlanta airport. Windham was revived after several travelers dove off of phone charging stations on to his chest.

Hip-hop producer Metro Boomin launched his ‘Single Moms Are Superheroes’ by inviting dozens of single moms to the Steelers/Falcons NFL game at Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium. The moms wondered if they’re superheroes, why didn’t they get invited to a game between better teams.

TV personality Jesse James denied cheating on his pregnant wife, ex-pornstar Bonnie Rotten, while admitting to calling her a ‘retard’ during a fight. Great American Family network halted production on their 2023 holiday movie Rotten Christmas Baby.