Environmentalists are concerned that ocean temperatures off the Florida coast now exceed 90 degrees. However, if you move away from the toddlers, temperatures cool off considerably.

After the pilot suffered a medical emergency, a 68-year-old female passenger in a private plane crash-landed it at Martha’s Vineyard airport and both survived. She said it’s the first time she’d driven a vehicle without a rear-view mirror to check her makeup.

Sofia Vergara and husband Joe Manganiello are divorcing after seven years of marriage. Neither are asking for spousal support, but he’s seeking visitation rights to her boobs.

Donald Trump said he’s been informed by a Special Counsel that he’s the target of an investigation to overturn the 2020 Presidential Election. Trump thanked the Special Counsel for the $100 million in donations from dopes he’ll get as a result.

A woman returned to her Philadelphia apartment to find four strange men there. She shot two of them, and asked the two better-looking ones what their deal was.

Lindsay Lohan gave birth to her first child, a baby boy, Luai. He weighed 7 pounds and several ounces of cocaine.

A Japanese steakhouse in Florida was shut down after reports of seven customers sickened by drugs in their food. Cops had to get a second search warrant to obtain samples that the chef flipped into his hat.

Doctors in Long Island’s tony Hamptons say they’ve seen dozens of rich men seeking to enlarge their genitals with penis injections. Doctors also say they’ve given penis injections to their patients’ disappointed wives and girlfriends.

A homeless California woman sleeping in the tall grass of a public park was killed by a landscaping crew’s lawnmower. Her gravestone reads Rest In Pieces.

Japan Airlines will offer weekly clothing rental for travelers who wish to pack light and leave their large suitcases and apparel at home. Visitors from western nations are advised to order Japanese rental clothing six to ten sizes up.