Bills safety Damar Hamlin was released from a Cincinnati hospital and returned to Buffalo – marking one of the first times a trip to Buffalo in January is considered an upgrade.

Philadelphia’s Chinatown residents and business owners formed a coalition opposed to the Philadelphia 76ers building a new downtown arena, saying it would cause gridlock. They were joined in their opposition to gridlock by hundreds of the city’s carjackers.

Instagram is redesigning their home page. The new, simpler navigation will be split between ‘Tits’ and ‘Other Things’.

Passengers were stuck on an Amtrak train for over 24 hours in South Carolina. In a statement, Southwest Airlines denied reports it had acquired Amtrak.

A Norfolk, Massachusetts man spent $450 on cleaning supplies at Home Depot following the disappearance of his wife. The man denies any involvement, and just wants his wife to come home and get her birthday presents.

Classified government documents were found in a locked closet at the Penn Biden Center, a joint venture think tank between the University of Pennsylvania and President Biden. Far fewer documents were found there than at Donald Trump’s joint venture think tank, the McDonaldland Mar a Lago Center.

Lynette Hardaway, an African-American Trump supporter who, along with her sister Rochelle Richardson, formed conservative duo ‘Diamond & Silk’, passed away. In other news, ‘Blacks For Trump’ announced a name change to ‘A Black For Trump’.

The Federal Aviation Administration grounded all U.S. flights after a computer outage. Things were up & running again after they spent two hours in the tech support queue at Comcast Business Internet.

Pepsi is replacing lemon-lime soda brand Sierra Mist with Starry. They said it sort of rhymes with ‘sorry’, as in “Sorry, we don’t have Sprite, we have Starry”.

New York City nurses are on strike. Greyhound, Bolt Bus and Megabus are all offering express service to Philadelphia & Chicago, cities better equipped to deal with gunshot wounds.

Elon Musk said he would abide by the results of a Twitter poll asking if he should remain CEO, then users voted overwhelmingly that he should step down. Musk then posted another poll asking if he should resign in 2030 or 2040.

Donald Trump then posted a poll on Truth Social asking if he’d be a better President than Ron Desantis, lost, then said the poll was rigged.

Dozens were injured when a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Phoenix to Honolulu encountered severe turbulence. Passengers on board reported seeing the injured lei’ing in the aisles.

A woman learned her father wasn’t her biological dad during a family argument, marking the first time the “I wish you weren’t my father!” line has ever paid off.

In a new survey, 14% of China’s residents said they’ll never travel again. In related news, China jailed government officials for somehow letting 14% of residents take trips.

Iran’s Hadi Choopan won the Mr. Olympia bodybuilding champion. Iranian competitors in Ms. Olympia didn’t fare as well, since judges couldn’t see the muscles under the burqas.

A man was shot and killed in a New Jersey nature preserve. Police are treating it as a murder, but are concerned that deer have finally gotten their own guns.

Father Frank Pavone, a pro-life supporter of ex-President Donald Trump, was dismissed from the Catholic priesthood for ‘blasphemous’ social media posts and disobedience to bishops. Pope Francis said it felt good to fire a priest for something other than molesting kids.

Kris Jenner was asked how she feels about having grandchildren born out of wedlock. She said she’s fine with the ones who have profitable social media accounts.

Salma Hayek said her lap dance scene with Channing Tatum in ‘Magic Mike’s Last Dance’ was “physically challenging”. Hayek, 56, said it was difficult to maneuver in Tatum’s lap without cameras seeing her cane.

Kraft Foods is testing a plant-based Philadelphia Cream Cheese. Philadelphians in the product trial will put in on bagels, then throw it at visiting New York Giants players.

A McDonald’s franchisee in the Pittsburgh area was found in violation of multiple child labor laws. The investigation was brought on by a whistleblower whose one-piece footie pajamas caught fire while operating a deep fryer.

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen will have her signature on U.S. currency. Although there isn’t enough room on the bills for “Put on a sweater, you’ll catch cold. Janet Yellen”.

Kim Jong Un told North Koreans to give their children patriotic names like Chung Sim (loyalty), Chong Il (gun), Pok Il (bomb) or Ui Song (satellite). In other news, the North Korean Gerber Baby contest winner was named, it’s Chung Chong Pok Song [Loyal Gun Bomb Satellite].

The New York Yankees are reportedly resigning slugger Aaron Judge to a 9-year, $360 million contract. It’s the largest payment to a Judge since Donald Trump paid Aileen Cannon before her rulings in the Mar-a-Lago documents case.

Time Magazine’s 2022 Person of the Year is Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. They cited his leadership of Ukraine during the Russian invasion, and the fact that so may people know who he is despite not having a TikTok account.

A new study finds winter is worse for cold, flu & COVID viruses because temperature drops limit immune response in the nose. Doctors say to wash your hands and stick your fingers in your nostrils to warm things up and get your nose in fighting shape.

The very last Boeing 747 jumbo jet was completed, ending the aircraft’s iconic run. It will be placed into immediate service flying Kylie Jenner 12 miles to yoga class.

Herschel Walker was defeated in his attempt to become U.S. Senator representing Georgia. Walker’s stat line: 1 run; no gain.

Microsoft signed a 10-year deal to bring Call of Duty games to Nintendo platforms. “It’s a-me! Heavy enemy fire! I’m-a getting my-a f**king head-a blown off!!” said a wounded soldier in the bloody Battle Of Mushroom Kingdom.

Five cars rented by Joe Biden’s Secret Service detail burst into flames after they were returned to the Nantucket Airport. Worse, they didn’t pay for the insurance from Hertz.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian finalized their divorce settlement, with West paying $200,000 each month in child support. Kardashian insists the settlement is amicable, but then enrolled their kids in Hebrew school.

Mitch McConnell was called a loser by Donald Trump for saying that Trump’s dinner with anti-Semites Kanye West & Nick Fuentes aren’t the behavior of someone who would be elected President – but it’s probably okay if they’re running for Governor of North Dakota.

San Francisco approved a measure enabling SFPD’s use of remote-controlled robots to apply lethal force when necessary. In other news, SFPD projects a 30% one-week decline in homeless panhandlers.

Dr. Mehmet Oz is reportedly failing in an effort to relaunch his tv show after being defeated in a run for U.S. Senate. In the meantime he’ll launch a newsletter so you can stay abreast of which of supplements will let you poop your way to weight loss.

The Washington D.C. Police Department is reportedly trying to poach Philadelphia police officers by offering a $20,000 hiring bonus. Philly cops are interested, but prefer the bonuses be delivered as cash stuffed in a paper bag behind a Wawa.

Oath Keepers leader Stewart Rhodes was found guilty of seditious conspiracy, and could face decades in prison, where he’ll likely make and keep an oath of monogamy to his cellmate.

Three women will referee a men’s World Cup match for the first time – a huge leap forward in showing a global audience that women can be just as terrible officiating soccer as men.

Developers are planning a supertall skyscraper in Austin, Texas, believed to
be over 980 feet high. From the observation deck, you’ll be able to view more
hipsters at once than anywhere else in the world.

A new experimental drug appears to slow the progression of Alzheimer’s in a
clinical trial. Patients receiving the drug were 75% more likely than a
placebo-control group to recall specific plot points in NCIS and Matlock
episodes.

 

Leonardo DiCaprio celebrated his 48th birthday at a Beverly Hills mansion at a party featuring Hollywood sports & entertainment A-listers, and under-25 lingerie model C, D, and DD-listers.

A white middle school teacher in Pflugerville, Texas was fired after telling students that his race “is the superior one”. The school district superintendent admitted he should never have been hired, given his affiliation with the Pflu Pflux Pflan.

Donald Trump scheduled a “major announcement” for today, believed to be either his 2024 Presidential run, or that he has no intention of paying the bar tab for daughter Tiffany’s wedding this past Saturday.

Jeff Bezos said in an interview Americans should hold off on big-ticket purchases like TVs and cars, saving them for when the economy really needs it to lift out of a recession. Then after the interview Bezos transferred the $125 million needed to finish his megayacht.

Walmart officials said as prices rise due to inflation, more wealthy shoppers are turning to their stores for groceries. Walmart said you can tell they’re wealthier, because they’re wearing shirts under their overalls.

Ballet dancers are criticizing actress Sydney Sweeney’s ballet-inspired photo shoot, saying her pointe shoes are worn incorrectly. Fans of Sweeney from HBO’s Euphoria also critiqued the pictures, saying you can’t see her breasts.

The mother of a 10-year-old boy in Highland, NY faces charges for letting an unlicensed tattoo artist ink the boy’s name on his forearm. The good news is the 10-year-old now spells his name correctly on all homework assignments.

Google agreed to pay a record $392 million settlement to 40 states, after the company continued to track users location after they’d turned off location tracking. The remaining 10 states don’t get anything, since nobody really cares where people are in the Dakotas, Alaska, etc etc.

Police at JFK Airport in New York City found 28 pounds of cocaine hidden in the tires of a woman’s wheelchair. The woman was charged with drug trafficking, and stealing the wheels off of a farm tractor in her native Dominican Republic.

The United Nations claims the world’s population will reach 8 billion this week, as the world also marks its 1 Billionth terrible gender reveal party.

After cutting ties with Kanye West, Adidas plans to sell Yeezy footwear under a new name. So far they’ve ruled out Kyreezy and Will Smeezy.

Four U.S. states abolished slavery, effectively eliminating themselves from consideration for a new Amazon distribution center.

Transgender beauty influencer Nikita Dragun was reportedly placed in a men’s unit of a Miami jail after her arrest for walking naked around a hotel pool. Dragun did influence male prisoners into thinking about sex with a transgender woman.

Tomorrow Marvel’s Black Panther sequel premieres. Which, at 2 hours and 41 minutes, feels like it takes Wakanda Forever.

Some Saturday Night Live writers are boycotting this week’s show hosted by Dave Chappelle, over his allegedly transphobic jokes. Chappelle will be left with little choice but to write his own sketches that are actually original and funny.

Bride-to-be Tiffany Trump is reportedly “flipping out” that Tropical Storm Nicole could ruin her Saturday wedding at Mar-a-Lago. Donald Trump still plans to give Tiffany away, even though he thought he gave her away years ago.

Sylvester Stallone gave an update on friend Bruce Willis’ health amid Willis’ battle with aphasia. Afterward, listeners asked if someone with a fully-functioning brain could give a better update.

Joey Arcidiacono, a man arrested for throwing a can of White Claw seltzer at Ted Cruz during the Houston Astros World Series victory parade, claims he wanted Cruz to catch it – in his jaw.

Pennsylvania state legislator Tony DeLuca was reelected despite dying last month. He’ll be the first-ever elected official sworn in with a Ouija board.

Donald Trump blamed his wife Melania for convincing him to endorse Dr. Oz in his failed bid for U.S. Senate, calling it “not her best decision”. Said Melania “neither was this” as she held up her ring finger.

Facebook parent company Meta announced the termination of 11,000 employees. Remaining employees are on edge, having noticed that their responses to the company Holiday party were changed from ‘Going’ to ‘Maybe’.

Democrat Josh Shapiro won the race for Governor of Pennsylvania over bus-trip insurrectionist Republican Doug Mastriano. Unbowed, Mastriano announced that he will enact legislation banning abortions among his wife and kids.

An inscription carved on a 3,700-year-old ivory lice comb is the longest sentence written in an alphabet, according to researchers. Translated, it reads ‘May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard.’ It was found next to a tablet inscribed with the sentence ‘and maybe take a bath you filthy lice-infested slob’.

Jennifer Lopez told Vogue magazine she has an “amazing” co-parenting relationship with Ben Affleck’s ex, Jennifer Garner over their three children, claiming her “amazing” team of au pairs is able to keep the kids from getting anywhere near her.

Former Trump White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be the next Governor of Arkansas. Her predecessor, Sean Spicer, will be the next Governor of an Elks Club lodge in suburban Virginia.

Jennifer Aniston said she tried in vitro fertilization, but was unsuccessful because the sperm kept dumping her eggs.

Twitter is changing course and adding a new Gray ‘Official’ check mark to verify certain individuals, in addition to the Blue check that users can pay for. They’re also adding a Black check mark to Donald Trump’s account to indicate he’s still banned.

An 8-year-old boy in the remote Pandarpadh village of India bit and killed a venomous cobra that attacked him and bit his arm. The boy was treated with antivenom and released, and the cobra was treated with chimichurri sauce and eaten.

A doctor attending the American Association of Hip & Knee Surgeons Annual Convention broke the Guinness World Record by assembling the bones of the leg in 78 seconds. He did it on the third try, and the first two will likely need wheelchairs.

A TikTok artist entombed a bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos in a 3,000 pound concrete sarcophagus. He plans to periodically exhume it to see how long it takes the Cheetos to melt an ulcer in the concrete.

Expansion football league XFL announced team names and logos for their inaugural 2023 season, including the St. Louis Battlehawks, San Antonio Brahmans and D.C. Defenders. Mid-season they’ll be joined by the Philadelphia Bankruptcy Lawyers.

Under new owner Elon Musk, Twitter will require verified users to pay $8/month to keep their blue checkmark or they’ll get kicked off. Donald Trump is expected to rejoin Twitter and accumulate $24 in debt he won’t pay by February.

Kanye West says he “hasn’t gotten supermodel pussy” in over a month. A dejected Candace Owens no longer thinks she’s a supermodel.

A Stanford University student serving as sports mascot The Tree was suspended from their role for holding a sign reading ‘Stanford Hates Fun’ during halftime of a football game. The student was ordered to shed their leaves and became The Deciduous Tree.

A study of mice finds a link between nose-picking and Alzheimer’s. Senior mice dispute the study, saying its just harder for them to find tissues to blow their nose.

Scientists identified a gene that is responsible for ‘uncombable hair syndrome’ – specifically, anyone carrying DNA in common with KISS bassist Gene Simmons.

Retired professional boxer Goran Gogic was arrested and charged with trafficking over a billion dollars worth of cocaine. Gocic was photographed shirtless next to 20 tons of coke at the weigh-in.

Two Philadelphia eateries – Angelo’s Pizza and Mike’s BBQ – refused to provide catered meals to the visiting Houston Astros during the World Series. In other news, Philadelphia eateries including scrapple with breakfast catering were charged for trying to poison the Astros.

‘Dancing With The Stars‘ professional Cheryl Burke said in an interview that her high school boyfriend badly bruised her legs by whipping them with a belt while his parents watched. On the plus side, it made her learn the latin hustle before the big homecoming dance.

A leading career consultant advises workers to stop saying “I’m sorry” after making an error at work, which makes you appear weak. Instead they recommend other phrases like “I take full responsibility”, “How can I improve?”, and “F**k you, I’m planning to quit anyway”.

Massachusetts’ National Assessment of Educational Progress standardardized test scores fell to a 19-year low, surprising experts who thought kids would focus on schoolwork because both the Red Sox and Patriots weren’t that good.

Medical experts say that the virus’ evolution and Americans’ vaccination status have changed the Top 5 COVID symptoms. Sore throat, headache & nasal congestion still top the list, while ‘being hooked up to a respirator’ and ‘death’ dropped to 6 & 7.

McDonald’s is returning McRib to restaurants for what it’s calling the McRib Farewell Tour, saying customers should “enjoy the sandwich like it’s your last” – not because it won’t return again, but because of artery blockage caused by eating one.

Legendary journalist Bob Woodward, promoting a new audiobook featuring interviews with Donald Trump, calls Trump ‘dangerous’ and ‘a threat to democracy’. The audiobook’s title is: ‘Duh’.

Rishi Sunak of the Conservative Party is the new Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. He promised to bring his party and country together until he’s dumped in two weeks.

Rumors renewed that Vladimir Putin is battling cancer due to alleged ‘IV track marks’ on his hands, indicating possible chemotherapy. That, and he’s considering radiation treatment by detonating a dirty bomb in his house.

Two Australian men face felony charges for firing potatoes at e*scooter riders, leaving one of them blind in one eye. Attempts to replace the victim’s damaged eye with one from a potato failed.

A North Carolina high school girls volleyball team forfeited a game against a rival school after a transgender athlete’s spike reportedly caused head & neck injuries to one of their players. The transgender woman’s team also lost two players to broken arms after they high-fived her.

A Tennessee grandfather died in a skydiving accident during a ceremony before a high school football game. The grandfather was credited with a hard touchdown.

The Philadelphia Phillies reached the World Series, leading to thousands of people pouring into city streets, and to frustration of carjackers, angry that delighted fans were jumping on their ride.

A group of eight skydivers over age 80 became the largest in their age group to simultaneously dive in formation during a recent jump in Florida. The Guinness Book of World Records gave commemorative plaques to the five who remembered to open their parachutes.

A grandfather was charged with leaving a toddler in the back of a returned rental car at a Florida airport. He also faces charges of $12/gallon for forgetting to fill the tank.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX said it can no longer afford to donate Starlink satellite receivers to provide internet & communication to war-torn Ukraine. Comcast/Xfinity offered to jump in, leading Ukrainians to say “nah, we’re good”.

Garbage singer Shirley Manson said in an interview she once “took a crap” on a cheating boyfriend’s breakfast cereal. She and the boyfriend are no longer together, and he is no longer cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider claims that when fellow alum Bill Murray hosted the show during his tenure, Murray “hated” cast members Schneider, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley. People can’t believe that Murray would hate Sandler & Farley.

Two anti-oil activists were arrested after throwing tomato soup on Vincent Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’ portrait at the National Gallery in London. Curators hope that it can be fully restored by dragging the canvas with grilled cheese sandwiches.

Grocery giant Kroger agreed to buy fellow grocery company Albertson’s for $24.6 billion. The purchase entitles Kroger to their choice of a free ham or turkey with coupon.

Vladimir Putin said the call-up of Russian reservists will continue for two more weeks. Southwest Airlines said they’re Wanna Get Away? fares from Moscow to anywhere else will be extended for two more weeks.

Donald Trump indicated he would possibly testify before the January 6th committee, but only if it’s on national television, and only if it airs opposite another terrible Thursday Night Football game.

A pair of 1880s Levis jeans sold for $76,000, and were printed with an anti-Chinese phrase on the pocket “the only kind made with white labor”. A pair of 1880s Wrangler jeans made with Chinese labor sold for a budget-friendly $19.