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MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ co-host Mika Brzezinski said that President Trump is reportedly ‘upset’ that he can’t watch porn in the White House. The Secret Service disputes the report, saying the problem is that they can’t find a VCR.

U.S. personnel in China have been sent home for health screenings out of fear over ‘sonic attacks’ – changes in noise that could cause minor brain injuries, similar to the effects of attending a Taylor Swift concert.

Debra Perelman has been named the first female CEO of Revlon. It’s being called the most expensive makeover in the company’s 66-year history.

Airlines are raising ticket prices, citing a 50% increase in the cost of jet fuel, and a 1000% increase in the cost of dog funerals.

Rebecca Bunting, an urban exploration photographer, died last weekend after she was swept away by flash floods while taking pictures inside a Philadelphia storm drain. Efforts to save her were unsuccessful, since she was too heavy to be pulled from the moving water by the rats in the drain with her.

Khloe Kardashian posted on her official app about difficulties breast feeding new daughter True, saying how hard it was helping True find her nanny’s breasts in the middle of the night.

The Unicode Emoji Subcommittee added red-haired and bald emojis this week, panicking blonde female smartphone users who thought something had gone horribly wrong.

Ski racer Lindsey Vonn and the NHL’s Nashville Predators defenseman P.K. Subban are dating. Vonn hooked Subban;  Subban confirmed several five-minute stints in the box for a high stick.

NASA will hold a discussion revealing the findings from its Mars Curiosity Rover – which has roamed Mars’ surface since 2012 – on June 7th. Expect them to mention it takes Curiosity forever to find a rest stop.

Comcast Business phone customers experienced a massive outage yesterday. Comcast said that the outage was fixed, and was happy to offer its business customers the same great experience of residential customers.

ICE agents arrested an illegal immigrant delivering pizza in Upstate NY. The man was held for possible deportation; the pizza was free.

 

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Supermodel Chrissy Teigen told Cosmopolitan that she thinks she’s been drinking too much and wants to ‘fix’ her drinking habit. She made the determination when her breast-feeding 1 year-old daughter drove her tricycle into a tree and was arrested on suspicion of DUI.

President Trump addressed the nation on Monday, saying he was sending 4,000 additional troops to Afghanistan – just as soon as work is completed on the new 4,000-room Trump Tower Kabul.

A spokesperson for skier Lindsey Vonn said that the leaked nude photos of Vonn and ex-boyfriend Tiger Woods are a “despicable invasion of privacy.” Woods was just happy to show off his six iron.

A British Airways passenger was forced to sit on a urine-soaked seat for the duration of an 11-hour flight from London to Cape Town. “Me too” said the infant who rode in the seat on the prior flight.

Snack bar company KIND dumped 45,000 pounds of sugar in Times Square to make a statement about child sugar intake and obesity – and in the process helping out dozens of bee families, hungry from a day of sightseeing in New York.

Six Flags Amusement Parks will no longer display Confederate flags. Instead they will fly six American flags at half-mast to honor park visitors who have been thrown off of their roller coasters.

German police arrested two men on drug trafficking charges, and confiscated thousands of orange ecstasy pills made in the shape of Donald Trump’s head. The dealers admitted they chose Trump’s head to let buyers know that they’d be happier but way, way stupider.

McDonald’s announced that they were cancelling franchise agreements with 139 of their restaurants in India. Since McDonald’s in India won’t sell beef or pork, you can pretty much figure out that the fries must have really sucked.

Reshma Saujani, the CEO of non-profit Girls Who Code, told CNN that women create businesses to solve problems, whereas men create companies to “replace their mothers”. The statement was promptly condemned by the Founder/CEOs of Merry Maids and Jersey Mike’s Sandwiches.

The State of Oregon, which had promised free community college tuition for all new students, doesn’t have the money and will have to turn some students away. The state’s Secretary of Education will take a gap year to figure out what to do with his life.