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Following requests from a Missouri woman, Merriam-Webster will update its dictionary definition of ‘racism’ to include systemic discrimination. However, they declined to update their definition of ‘delicious’ despite repeated requests from executives at Arby’s.

A billionaire investor predicts a massive wave of upcoming unemployment for white-collar six-figure employees. But he also predicts a massive wave of day jobs for people helping carry cardboard boxes full of the laid-off workers’ stuff.

A 62-year-old woman in the U.K. says her fit, youthful appearance makes her a target of 20-something men who “hit up her Instagram like it’s Tinder.” The men are undeterred when they find out her age, because they really hate condoms.

Fox News’ Tucker Carlson ranted against a message of racial tolerance featuring Elmo and Louie – son and father Muppets, respectively – in a CNN Town Hall. It was so bad, longtime friend Oscar the Grouch cancelled his upcoming appearance on Carlson’s show.

Vandals beheaded a statue of Christopher Columbus in a Boston park. The head was found lying on the ground wearing a Yankees cap.

Local and state officials addressed growing concern over a surge in COVID-19 cases in Arizona, saying “yeah, but it’s a dry coronavirus.”

‘Happy Days’ star Anson Williams, who played Potsie Weber, filed for divorce from his wife of 30 years. Williams claims his wife will no longer “sit on it”.

Visitors to Florida from New York, New Jersey & Connecticut must quarantine for two weeks on arrival, angering those planning visits to Disney parks. As a compromise, Disney World said they could spend the two weeks on “It’s A Small World”.

Iggy Azalea confirmed she gave birth to a baby boy. She then rapped the boy’s name, but no one could understand what she was saying.

The NFL is considering the addition of a ‘sky judge’ – an additional referee that sits in the press box and uses replay video to make their own incorrect calls.

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Congressional Democrats are set to introduce the first two Articles of Impeachment against President Trump: abuse of power; and obstruction of Congress. Others are expected,  including:  spelling & grammar; potty mouth; and cheating at golf.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary named “they” the 2019 Word of the Year, edging out “he-she”.

A Philadelphia suburb is moving toward requiring homeowners to put house numbers on the back of houses. The purpose is to make the homes easier to identify for first responders, burglars, and really confused mail carriers.

Website Malwarebytes issued an editorial urging consumers not to buy and install video doorbells. They say the doorbell makers are providing too much video content to police and 3rd parties, and are vulnerable to hacks. Malwarebytes is owned by Jehovah’s Witnesses.

NASA stress-tested the fuel tank of its new Space Launch System rocket by seeing what it would take to blow a hole in it. Surprisingly, all it took was filling it with Mountain Dew.

A former Harvard geneticist wants to create a dating app based on people’s DNA. It’s the first dating app where users swap spit by mail.

An analysis by consumer research group ‘Simple. Thrifty. Living.’ finds Hawaii is the most expensive state to operate a Christmas light display. It costs an average of $46.62 in electric bills, and another $600 for the flight to get there.

A fifth grade social studies teacher in Missouri is suspended after giving students an in-class worksheet asking them to set a “price for a slave” as they learned about colonial America. Worse, she failed students who set the price too low without the inventory to back it up.

A team of Chinese researchers generated the first piglets created by combining stem cells from monkeys with fertilized pig embryos. The animals, known as pig-monkey chimeras, were called “delicious”.

Vanna White hosted ‘Wheel of Fortune’ while Pat Sajak recovers from emergency surgery. Letter-turning was handled by Minnie Mouse, who was told by producers to wear shorter, tighter dresses.