Police in New Jersey are seeking an adult woman who struck a child in the head with a wooden Skee-ball at a Jersey Shore arcade. She was seen leaving the arcade after taking the ten tickets that the victim spit out of his mouth.

Madonna announced new rescheduled tour dates after her summer shows were postponed because of her health scare and because nobody had any goddamned money left after Taylor Swift and Beyonce took it.

The Philadelphia Zoo named a new President & CEO, Jo-Elle Mogerman. She says her first step toward improving the zoo is convincing the gorillas and chimpanzees to surrender their handguns.

Three dead whales have washed up on New York and New Jersey beaches in the past three days. Oceanographers blame either rising ocean temperatures, or a renewed turf war between whales and the Great White Crime Family.

Bradley Cooper faces criticism for performing in ‘Jewface’, as images leaked of his wearing a larger prosthetic nose while playing composer Leonard Bernstein. Cooper sought to calm down the critics by telling them how inexpensive the nose was.

President Biden will visit Maui to survey the damage from the devastating wildfires, but will not wear a traditional flowered lei for fear of breaking his collarbone.

The much-discussed ‘Cage Match’ between Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk is reportedly not happening – disappointing millions of Americans who now just want to see anyone beat the living shit out of either of them.

Limited-edition New York Library cards commemorating Hip-Hop’s 50th Anniversary with images of Jay-Z albums are in high demand, and resulted in 14,000 new library memberships. They’ve also resulted in a record number of visitors kicked out for rapping in the library.

Rapper Magoo passed away at age 50. Nobody – least of all him – saw it coming.

Bank of Ireland experienced a glitch where any customer could withdraw $1,000 from accounts with insufficient funds. The bank was alerted by pub owners who noticed patrons getting even drunker than usual and actually leaving decent tips.