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14 dogs hopping on their hind legs broke the Guinness World Record for longest canine conga line. Officials later disallowed a 16-dog line when it was determined they weren’t dancing, they were all just humping each other.

A Chinese spy balloon was finally shot down over Myrtle Beach. Parts of the balloon were retrieved from the ocean, along with an attached banner reading ‘Will you marry me Yingyue?’, and classified documents from the Trump & Biden administrations.

Republican members of Congress plan to boycott President Biden’s State of the Union address on Tuesday, citing disagreements with his policies, and fear of missing an all-new ‘9-1-1 Lone Star‘.

Dell is laying off over 6,000 workers, representing 5% of their workforce. Or, as a Dell spokesperson put it, they’re hitting Ctrl/Alt/Del on their careers.

Winners at the Grammy Awards included Harry Styles, Beyonce & Lizzo in the welterweight, middleweight and heavyweight divisions.

Including her wins last night, Beyonce’s 32 Grammys broke the record for the most Grammy wins all-time, formerly held by Hungarian-British conductor Georg Solti. Solti is busy assembling a new orchestra to record a Beyonce diss track.

Breakfast sandwiches and fruit cups were recalled for possible listeria contamination, which somehow make high school cafeteria food even riskier than usual.

A new study claims reducing alcohol consumption lowers dementia and Alzheimer’s risk. The study authors also claim if you’re drinking to forget, it’s working.

AMC Theaters will start variable pricing for seats at the movies. Seats in front rows will be cheaper, seats in the middle will be more expensive, and people in seats at Tyler Perry movies will be paid $14 each.

Dr. Phil’s decision to end his tv show came following attempts to revamp the show to win back advertisers. The attempts failed, as sponsors said “cash us out on The Kelly Clarkson Show, how bout dat?”

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OnlyFans is banning porn, and changing its name to FewerFans.

Britney Spears’ housekeeper alleges Britney took her phone and struck her in a dispute over the care of a dog. Britney disputes the claim, but the dog has been assigned a conservator.

Mike Richards announced he will not be the permanent host of Jeopardy! amidst scrutiny of his past behavior. Richards will continue as Executive Producer, and attempt to find a full-time female host with a decent rack.

As cases in the state surge, a Jacksonville, Florida library was converted to a COVID-19 treatment site. The head librarian said it was nice & quiet in there for a change.

A family of three and their dog were all found dead on a remote hiking trail in the Sierra National Forest near Yosemite. Officials are mystified as to cause of death, but took the opportunity to remind other families how much hiking sucks.

Malaysia has its third Prime Minister in 3 years. Malaysia is one of the few countries in the civilized world that selects its leader via a talent show.

An ad agency created a campaign using Tinder and Snapchat to encourage Gen-Z and millenials to get COVID-19 vaccines – and, just maybe, a no-strings hookup with a nurse.

South Korea’s Ministry of Culture declared the official Chinese name of kimchi – spicy, fermented vegetables – be changed to ‘xingi’, from ‘pao cai’. It provided sample sentences like “No xingi for me, because it smells like ass”.

Beyonce’s father, Mathew Knowles, shut down rumors of a Destiny’s Child reunion, saying his daughter can’t remember who the other two are any more.

A Goodwill thrift in Connectucut sold a sealed, unopened copy of 1986 Nintendo videogame ‘The Legend of Zelda’ for $411,000. The donor was thrilled to help, but disappointed that the used Wii console she donated only got twenty bucks.

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Police in the Philadelphia suburbs found a handgun in a substitute teacher’s car. He said he needs it to keep students from talking during the health class movie.

Quincy College’s commencement speaker, tech CEO Rob Hale, told 400 graduates that each would receive $1,000 – $500 to keep, and $500 to donate. The Quincy College post-commencement rager received $200,000 in donations toward drugs and alcohol.

A man donating fecal bacteria to his wife was informed he had “perfect poop” and could make $15,000/year selling it. Then he celebrated the good news with dinner at Taco Bell and lost $15,000/year in potential income.

Drake’s 3-year-old son burst into tears when they went on stage at the Billboard Music Awards to accept Artist Of The Decade honors – since even the toddler thought it should be Taylor Swift or Beyonce.

Justin Bieber debuted a new buzz cut, losing his controversial white-guy dreadlocks. No word on whether he donated the hair, although he was rumored to get an offer for it from the frontman of a Counting Crows tribute band.

Kevin Spacey will portray a police detective in a new film from Italian director Franco Nero, Apacey’s first role since sexual assault allegations emerged in 2017. Spacey is excited to play a police detective instead of playing a private dick.

80 Florida high school students had their yearbook photos modified without their knowledge to cover up exposed shoulders and cleavage. The students are outraged, saying they need the original photos to get interviews at Hooters.

Samoa was thrown into a constitutional crisis after a woman, Fiame Naomi Mata’afa, was elected Prime Minister, but the incumbent had her locked out of Parliament, saying he needed Samoa time to investigate the election.

25 U.S. states have fully-vaccinated 50% of residents against COVID-19. The rest are either opposed to the vaccine, or waiting for COVID vaccine lottery jackpots to get bigger.

Damiano David, frontman for glam-rockers Maneskin, agreed to take a drug test after his band won the Eurovision 2021 international song competition. Eurovision judges said the last thing they need is to have rock bands associated with illegal drug use.

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12 Million people will lose unemployment benefits the day after Christmas. “Dahoo Doray…this f**king sucks” sang all the Whos in Whoville.

Jennifer Grey and husband Clark Gregg – Agent Coulson in the Marvel Universe – finalized their divorce settlement. Grey keeps all residuals from Dirty Dancing, while she snaps up half his Marvel residuals, according to Grey’s attorney, Thanos.

Scientists in Australia created diamonds from rocks in a lab at room temperature in just minutes. They did so by applying immense pressure – equivalent to that of a two-year girlfriend’s expectations on Christmas Eve.

An Amazon driver stole a tv and chair valued at $5,800, delivering them to his own house. The driver was arrested and the items delivered to the customer, who’s waiting for the driver to make bail so she can return them.

Matthew McConaughey is considering a run for Governor of Texas in 2022. His plan is called ‘How To Lose An Election in 24 Months’.

While Beyonce partners with Peloton, her husband Jay Z is investing in vertical climbing machine startup, CLIMBR – which promises to hold twice as many dirty clothes as a Peloton bike.

The National Anthem at the Mike Tyson/Roy Jones Jr fight will be sung by Ne-Yo…say can you see….

A man told to wear a mask in IHOP wielded a knife and cut an employee’s arm before fleeing. The wound was treated with stitches because it was only a short stab.

The Vatican reportedly launched an inquiry with Instagram, asking how Pope Francis’ account ‘Liked’ a photo from a Brazilian butt model. Instagram replied to the Vatican, saying it was a result of Francis ‘double-tappin’ on dat azz’.

Following months of delays, Wonder Woman 1984 will premiere in cinemas and streaming service HBO Max on the same day. Wonder Woman surveyed movie fans with her Lasso of Truth and 98% said there’s no way they’re going to a theater.

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Robert Johnson, billionaire founder of BET Network, said the U.S. government should pay black Americans $14 trillion in reparations for slavery. “Yeah!” said Rachel Dolezal.

UFC fighter Jon Jones said he’ll relinquish his light heavyweight title belt – but the pawn shop guy said he’s still only giving him $200 for it.

Police in Pittsburgh seek to arrest and charge 20-year-old Brian Bartels for starting riots there. Bartels allegedly said that Philadelphia is a pretty great city, too.

Actor Thomas Middleditch and wife Mollie Gates – who Middleditch has said have an open marriage – are getting divorced. Their marriage is now more open than ever.

Donald Trump plans to declare Antifa a terrorist organization, and is pretty sure he’ll do the same for Uncletifa.

Dozens of Walmart and Target stores closed after being looted during weekend riots. Workers were largely unsuccessful collecting email addresses to let the looters know when the stores plan to reopen.

White Claw hard seltzer launched in Ireland, delighting women who want a lighter alternative to get loaded before their bar fights. 

Beyoncé posted on Instagram, telling her fans to demand justice and end racial inequality. She then shut off the camera and asked her assistants to let her know how everything turns out.

Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook needs to do more to support equality and safety for black communities. Then he kicked back and watched Facebook videos about how black people started COVID-19.

The World Meteorological Organization released its alphabetically-ordered list of hurricane names for 2020, starting with Arthur, Bertha, Cristobal & Dolly. Kyle was chosen for letter K, leading to Karen asking to speak to the hurricane’s manager.

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China is accusing the United States of spreading fear about the Wuhan coronavirus. Meanwhile, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he cured it.

A newly discovered cannabis compound has been shown to be 30 times more potent than THC, the psychoactive agent in marijuana. It was discovered when a lab technician smoked Snoop Dogg’s hair.

A new video showed that Beyonce and Jay-Z sat through Demi Lovato’s performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. The couple said that’s because somebody usually does a rendition just for them in their luxury box.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the San Francisco 49ers to win the Super Bowl. Chiefs coach Andy Reid addressed the media, saying “I’ve gotta do a better job…that one’s on me and my staff” before being reminded that he won.

Google Photos is testing an $8/month subscription service where they send you prints of randomly selected photos. You also have the option of selecting categories like “pets”, “landscapes”, or “the neighbor’s bedroom window”.

Stephen King announced he’s leaving Facebook. It only took him 450 pages.

Six passengers were shot early Monday morning on a Greyhound bus headed from Los Angeles to San Francisco, effectively ending the sing-a-long.

Bernie Sanders said, if elected, he’ll legalize marijuana in all 50 states on Day 1 of his presidency, to the delight of people too baked to bother voting.

Website TheDailyMeal rated Duff’s of Buffalo the best chicken wings in the United States. A spokesperson for Buffalo Wild Wings responded to the article, saying “we’re sorry your tester got so sick.”

Drug kingpin El Chapo’s daughter, Alejandrina, married Edgar Cazares in Mexico. The bride wore a white lace dress, a tiara, and a four-kilo dowry in her bra.

 

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Disney World’s Epcot Center issued a rabies alert for a feral cat on the property, last seen trying to hunt down and bite the head off of Minnie Mouse.

  • Asked to describe the cat, officials called it “bored, like everyone else at Epcot.”

Oceanographers discovered a jellyfish the size of a human. If it stings you, everyone at the beach has to urinate on the wound for you to survive.

Four Australian children, aged 10 to 14, stole a car and went on a 600-mile joyride. It ended in a fistfight when they grew tired of asking each other if they were there yet.

Britain’s Royal Family attended the U.K. premiere of Disney’s new adaptation of ‘The Lion King’, then bowed and curtsied before Beyoncé who knighted them “Kinda Cool for White People”.

A new study found the Fitbit Surge had the most accurate calorie-burning measurement of fitness trackers, with a 25% error rate. Other devices had higher error rates, up to 93%, because their owners took them off and bashed them with a hammer.

A 30-year-old Northeast Philadelphia woman was arrested for DUI on the Jersey Shore, then bit the arresting officer on the leg. The cop accepted blame for leaving a slice of pizza in his lap.

Hundreds of large land crabs invaded Florida neighborhoods near Port St. Lucie following heavy rains. Residents called animal control to say they had crabs, and animal control referred them to their doctor.

A 58-year-old man in Los Angeles’ richest neighborhood of Bel-Air was arrested for possessing over 1,000 firearms. Cops didn’t believe his explanation that he was Joe Wick, John’s brother.

After an undercover visit to view Disneyland working conditions, Disney heiress Abigail Disney slammed the company for low worker pay, with some telling her they have to forage through garbage for food. “Yeah, but it’s kinda fun” said Pluto.

IKEA is shutting down its only U.S. factory in Danville, Virginia. Workers were informed with a four-panel instructional drawing showing them picking up their final check and driving home.

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A 41-year-old California woman was arrested and charged for having sex with her daughter’s underage teen boyfriends. She avoided jail time, telling the presiding judge she thought this was how you become a high school math teacher.

A 22-year-old man died outside of a Chuck E Cheese in Alabama while changing his daughter’s diaper, when a loaded gun inside of the diaper bag fired, hitting him in the chest. A GoFundMe set up for the daughter has collected 10,000 Chuck E. Cheese tickets.

Beyonce released a new live album to coincide with ‘Homecoming’, the Netflix documentary of her 2018 Coachella performance. Critics are either raving about it, or avoiding being verbally beaten into submission by her fans on social media.

The NFL releases its 2019 schedule Wednesday night. On Thursday morning, Orchids of Asia Day Spa releases updated hours once they see which weekend the Patriots visit Florida to play the Dolphins.

The FDA has halted all use of transvaginal mesh in surgical procedures for women, and is also expected to ban transvaginal drywall.

An artist for the video game ‘Assassin’s Creed Unity’ claims detailed 3D drawings created for the game could help with the post-fire reconstruction of Notre Dame Cathedral. The Israeli Space Agency is checking to see if its destroyed Beresheet lunar lander could be rebuilt using artwork from Super Mario Galaxy.

Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg was heckled at a rally in Iowa. Buttigieg, who is gay, heard shouts of “remember Sodom and Gomorrah!” — referencing both the Bible, and Joe Sodom & Floyd Gomorrah who are seeking the Libertarian ticket nomination in 2020.

ADHD diagnoses have risen 30% over the past eight years. Noting the climb in obesity rates over the same span, doctors say the attention deficits are concerning, but the hyperactivity?…not so much.

President Trump announced that he’ll present Tiger Woods with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, commemorating Woods’ presidential traits of playing lots of golf and banging porn stars behind his wife’s back.

Time Magazine shocked observers by naming both Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford – who accused Kavanaugh of sexual assault – to the Time 100 list of ‘most influential people’. Following them on the list was the woman who coined the phrase “I just can’t even right now.”

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Pokemon GO developer Niantic announced it’s bringing much-awaited player-vs-player battles to the game — and, in the process, delighting 40-year-olds dying to fight 9-year-olds. 

A patent application has been filed for a women’s bra that opens by clapping. The inventor advises against wearing it to indoor sporting events or your child’s school play.

A magnitude 7.0 earthquake struck off the coast of Anchorage, Alaska, causing officials to issue a tsunami warning for Alaska’s coast. Those officials were also hoping that Inuits know what “tsunami” means. 

All-Christmas station WDOK 102.1 Cleveland, pulled the Dean Martin version of ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ for its dated, predatory overtones in the #metoo era. WDOK also banned a newer holiday song ‘Have Sex With Me And I’ll Get You Out of Cleveland’. 

A photo of deceased President George Bush’s service dog, Sully, lying in front of his casket has gone viral. Sully is expected to attend Bush’s funeral, accompanied by a security detail of four Secret Service Dogs.

Michelle Obama postponed appearances in support of her book tour so that she can attend President Bush’s funeral. Oprah also paid tribute, expanding her annual Favorite Things list to include “not being dead”.

Kelsey McCarter, wife of a Tennessee high-school football coach, is seeking dismissal of sexual assault charges from a 14-year-old player who moved in with them. She claims the sex was consensual, and that the boy looked forward to two-a-day drills. 

Viewers of the live stream of Global Citizen Festival – a benefit concert in South Africa – were disappointed when Beyonce cut off video of her headlining set after 25 minutes. “This got me so crazy right now” said angry fans. 

Google has started rolling out transcriptions for their Call Screening service – which answers calls for Google’s Pixel phone users and sends them a text of the message.  So far, the most popular messages from screened calls are “When are you coming for Christmas?” and “Quick, call us with your social security number.”

The China premiere of U.S. movie hit ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ flopped at the box office, taking in a meager $1.2 million. Topping the box office with $150 million in ticket sales: ‘Crazy Poor Americans’. 

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A 27-year-old Florida woman, Katherine Nieves Tavarez, was arrested for stabbing her live-in boyfriend, Amaury Vazquez Carerro, after Carrero repeatedly refused to have sex with her. “No means no!” said Carrero, which is particularly hard to do with a knife stuck in your face.

  • Asked why she stabbed her boyfriend, Tavarez said she really likes foreplay.

The FBI has reportedly completed their background investigation on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. The contents remain secret, but allegedly contain damning evidence of lost deposits on kegs and taps to multiple beer distributors in Virginia and Connecticut.

The son of convicted felon and former rap mogul Suge Knight, Suge Knight Jr., said that Tupac Shakur is alive and living in Malaysia. The younger Knight offered as proof photos of Knight posing with 50 Cent and Beyoncé. Fans and social media followers remain unconvinced, and have raised a $1 million reward to whoever can post video of Tupac ‘flossing’.

Duchess Meghan Markle said that she needs to put on a baseball cap to disguise herself before grocery shopping. “Why are you wearing a baseball cap?” asked the maid as Meghan hands her the grocery list.

The Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers announced a new wireless network standard, WiFi 6. It’s an even faster, steadier wifi stream that you can steal from the dope next door who doesn’t use a password.

A new laundry-cleaning startup, VClean, placed 200 of its vending machines in parking garages adjacent to London Underground stations. So far, the company is pleased with the response, except for all of the homeless people they’ve had to pull out of the machines.

ZipRecruiter raised $156 million in new funding. The platform, which matches job seekers with employers, claims it frees up time of human resources professionals to focus on what they do best – organizing employee cake parties, shopping, and handing out termination notices.

A black grandmother and two little girls campaigning for Texas Senate Candidate Beto O’Rourke were accosted by a white racist, who told them to “go back where they came from.” O’Rourke’s opponent, incumbent Sen. Ted Cruz, hasn’t officially commented, but said if the racist made fun of his wife’s looks, he could speak at a Cruz rally.

According to the Wall St Journal, Vice President Mike Pence will make a formal ‘rebuke’ of China, claiming that China is working to remove President Trump.  Meaning, if he’s right, a majority of 2016 U.S. voters have something in common with China.

Heart rate data from a 67-year-old San Jose woman’s Fitbit is being used to charge her 90-year-old stepfather with murder. According to the Fitbit, the woman’s heart rate reportedly spiked, then dropped to zero during the man’s visit. Later, the Fitbit told her she was getting the best sleep ever.

  • “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that meddling fitness tracker!” the man said as he was led away in handcuffs.