The FAA is investigating as many as 5,000 pilots who hid medical diagnoses that would keep them from flying – and a few dozen Spirit Airlines captains with no record of ever getting a pilot’s license.

Two people were stabbed in a brawl at a California In N Out Burger restaurant following an NFL preseason game between the 49ers and Raiders. Both playas were cut.

Mississippi alligator hunters caught a state record 14-foot, 802 pound alligator on the first day of alligator hunting season. Meanwhile, a different alligator caught a 72-inch, 500-pound male who fell asleep next to a lake, also breaking a state record.

Nordstrom closed its five-story flagship department store in San Francisco, citing San Francisco’s “changing retail environment” – but, not before the store’s manager awarded a Perfect Attendance certificate to the junkies living in the rest rooms.

Seven cars were stolen from a parking garage in downtown Philadelphia. Police praised the non-confrontational thieves who chose to carjack empty vehicles.

Elton John was hospitalized briefly after taking a fall at a villa in Nice, France. Officials released the 911 call, where Elton told a dispatcher “I’m not still standing”.

77-year-old Alojz Abram has amassed 1.7 million Instagram followers by recreating Insta photos from influencers and celebrities like Kanye West and Kylie Jenner. He’s hoping to monetize his following in order to pay for the money he spent on implants to mimic the Kardashians.

Reem’s, a California bakery chain, refuses to serve uniformed police officers because they won’t sell baked goods to anyone carrying a weapon. The police union is outraged, but Reem’s defends the policy which costs them roughly $5,000 in lost donut sales each day.

Casey McGrath, a 28-year-old geometry teacher in Chattanooga, Tennessee, was arrested for sex with an underage student. The student does, however, now know how to use a straight line to bisect an acute angle.

A team from California won the Little League World Series championship on a walkoff home run in the bottom of the 6th inning, leaving their opponents from Curacao Blue.