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The Sargussum Belt, a 5,000-mile-long-mass of seaweed circling Florida, threatens to destroy shoreline marine life and hinder tourism with its rotten smell. It already endorses Governor Ron DeSantis for President.

A Texas judge will hear arguments in a landmark case which could ban access to abortion pills across the U.S. He’s expected to issue a ruling before prom season.

Guitarist Brian May was granted knighthood by King Charles II, the first Queen to be knighted since Sir Elton John.

A forklift collapsed at JFK Airport, falling on the operator. He was treated at the scene for serious leg injuries, and after the forklift was set upright, a new operator resumed using it to smash baggage for United Airlines.

Lindsay Lohan announced her first cocaine-free pregnancy.

TikTok banned the account of a man attempting to lose 50 pounds in 100 days by only eating half-portions of McDonald’s meals. TikTok cited its policy against promoting “dangerous weight loss”, and suggested the man incorporate exercise by repeatedly climbing unstable stacks of milk crates.

A man was convicted by a Netherlands court of “stealthing” – removing a condom during sex without his partner’s consent. He was also ordered to repaint the wall where it stuck after tossing it away.

A Illinois woman found her missing husband’s dead body in a closet in December after he’d been missing for eight months. His death was ruled a suicide and her Christmas decorations were ruled unuseable.

18 female guards were fired or resigned from their jobs at a UK men’s prison for engaging in sexual activity with inmates. The prison is categorized as minimum security and maximum intimacy.

A Kentucky middle school principal was arrested on a domestic violence charge during his first day on the job. The teacher who gave him an apple as a welcome gift admits it wasn’t the best idea.

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The CEOs of Google, Twitter & Facebook all testified before Congress about online misinformation Thursday – but only after members of Congress agreed to accept cookies.

A new study claims COVID-19 vaccines are safe for pregnant women. Now they just need to figure out how to get fetuses to wear masks in the womb.

New England Patriots offensive lineman Justin Herron is being hailed for his heroism stopping a 30-year-old man from assaulting a 71-year-old woman in a Phoenix park. Said Herron, “if there’s one thing I know, it’s holding”.

Dyson’s newest vacuum cleaners are equipped with lasers – creating confusing, mixed emotions in homes with cats.

A former Girl Scout troop leader in Ohio was charged with stealing $12,500 from cookie sales. She stole some money, then she stole S’more. (Story h/t to AJF!)

‘Justice League – the Snyder Cut’ had fewer opening-weekend streams than ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ on HBO Max, but had just as many nerds letting everyone know they thought it sucked.

The Philadelphia Zoo debuted its animatronic dinosaur exhibit. Kids have already punched the dinosaurs for refusing to eat pieces of soft pretzels they toss.

Elton John turned 74. His hair turned 10.

Expert tasters on Earth evaluated wine that was aged for a year on the International Space Station. They said it needed to age a few more years in the ISS toilet.

Researchers now believe COVID-19 can also be ‘swallowed’ in to the body if a person’s saliva is infected. They made this conclusion after testing multiple subjects who ate Taco Bell’s new Coronavirus Crunch Chalupa.

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Due to timing of NFL approvals, the Washington Football Team said they may need to keep their name through the 2021 season. Although they may slightly change it to Washington New & Improved Football Team.

According to overnight metrics, last night’s final Presidential Debate was watched by over 50 million Americans who forgot there was a football game on.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said there’s no cause for concern despite bandages and visible bruising on his hands, adding that he normally loses two pints of blood during a manicure.

U.S. astronaut Kate Rubins voted while aboard the International Space Station. Then she immediately filed a complaint about the Russian cosmonaut assigned to the ISS as a poll watcher by the Trump campaign.

Police in Queens are looking for a suspect who’s robbed six different Chinese food delivery drivers, taking their phones and cash, but not the food because MSG gives him headaches.

Quibi will shut down in December. Or sooner, it’s currently at about 4% battery life.

Mattel is issuing a Tiny Dancer Barbie to commemorate the 45th Anniversary of Elton John’s famous Dodger Stadium concert. The doll costs $19.99, but accessories including cocaine and hair plugs are hundreds of dollars extra.

Santa Claus will not appear at Macy’s stores for the first time in 160 years due to the pandemic. Children are asked to send their letters to him care of the North Pole Hospital Intensive Care Unit.

Ariana Grande released a new video for her song ‘Positions’ where she’s President of the United States. Difference being, she just licks the donuts instead of eating a lot of them.

The Los Angeles Fire Department introduced the Thermite RS3 – the world’s first firefighting robot. It’s been under development for several years – one month learning to shoot water, and 35 months learning to get drunk and run chicken barbecues.

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A former NASA scientist claims that in 1976, the Viking landers found evidence of life on Mars. He added it wasn’t exactly a fun life.

The XFL draft takes place today at 10 a.m. via conference call. “Could whoever has a barking dog please mute?” said the League Commissioner.

Travis Scott took a nasty onstage fall at the Rolling Loud Music Festival in Queens on Saturday, telling the crowd he thought he broke his knee. After the show, he brought several female fans backstage to crouch down and examine it.

Megyn Kelly, who was fired from the NBC Today Show after discussing kids of her era wearing blackface on Halloween, will be a guest on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show to promote her new line of Halloween costumes.

Elton John’s new memoir mentions Michael Jackson’s later years, saying he was “..in a world of his own, surrounded by people who only told him what he wanted to hear.” Elton then talks about all the compliments he gets about his real-looking hair.

Scarlett Johansson says that a movie featuring all-female Marvel Superheroes would be “explosive and unstoppable”.  It would feature male Marvel heroes asking what’s wrong with the way they’re fighting evil, and the females saying “nothing…it’s great”.

Dusty Baker is rumored to be a candidate for the Philadelphia Phillies manager job, after stadium workers were seen installing one of those motorized seats to climb the dugout steps.

Italy’s mountain village of Sardinia is posting signs telling tourists not to rely on Google Maps driving directions, because their cars will get stuck on rugged roads. They also say not to use Google Maps walking directions, after several tourists walked off cliffs.

Jennifer Aniston’s new Instagram account crashed shortly after her first post – a photo with all six of the ‘Friends’. Aniston said the photo wasn’t really complete, because the duck and the monkey were both dead. 

Whitney Houston is among the 2020 nominees for induction to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – opening the door just a crack for the 2036 campaign of Color Me Badd.