Cinemark Theaters announced they’re banning large bags in their movie theaters to enhance ‘safety and security’. They advised patrons to bring pistols instead of rifles to shoot at the screen during ‘Fifty Shades Freed’.

The USA Women’s ice hockey team won the Olympic Gold Medal, defeating Canada 3-2 in a shootout – to the delight of NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, who said it’s about time Americans saw the positive side of shootouts.

President Trump met with families of the victims of gun violence at the White House. He could be seen clutching a list of questions and talking points, the last of which read “I hear you”. The back of the list was a single note “turn paper over”.

Survivors of the Parkland school shooting are being criticized by conspiracy theorists as “crisis actors”.  Hearing the term ‘crisis actor’, Nicolas Cage instructed his agent to see how much the job pays.

A Michigan family said the dining room tv in a Burger King showed a graphic sex scene. Customer Richard Avery was there with his two sons, ages 7 and 8, when the tv showed a scene of a man fondling a woman’s breast and thrusting against her, as the woman said “you’re a nasty horndog”. Burger King said the incident doesn’t reflect their brand, and they’ve scrapped plans to add the Nasty Horndog to their menu.

QSR Magazine ranked the food and beverage chains with the fastest drive-thru service. Starbucks ranked next-to-last at 4 1/2 minutes and Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr was at the bottom at nearly five minutes.  Starbucks defended their time, saying it takes douchebags an average of four minutes to order; Carl’s Jr/Hardees attributed their slowness to customers’ diabetic blackouts behind the wheel.

Gal Gadot will be a presenter at the Academy Awards, and will also lasso the winner of Best Original Screenplay to see if they really wrote it themselves.

President Trump suggested that arming teachers and training them to use guns might be a good idea. Several startup companies are rumored to be working on bright orange bulletproof hall passes.

67-year-old actress Jane Seymour posed for Playboy magazine, it’s their first centerfold that comes with a warning label.

CNN held a Town Hall Meeting to discuss gun violence at an arena in Sunrise, Florida. No injuries were reported at the meeting, but several people were rescued after driving in to sinkholes in the parking lot.