Britain’s government is giving Queen Elizabeth a 78% annual pay raise, from $54.6 to $97 million. The main reason is for repairs to Buckingham Palace, although Her Majesty was seen driving a Lamborghini and sporting a new platinum dental grill.

Pandora CEO Tim Westergren has resigned, following a week of Pandora aggressively suggesting playlists of breakup songs.

Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has delayed the Senate vote on Trumpcare; according to insiders, the bill is “hanging by a thread”. Incidentally, that thread is not covered by Trumpcare.

A global shortage of bee and wasp venom is worrying the medical community, who need the venom for allergy vaccines. The shortage is being blamed on global warming, and on the bees’ & wasps’ demands to be paid a living wage.

Japan’s postal service is selling postage stamps featuring Super Mario, Princess Peach, Luigi and Toad. Donkey Kong and Bowser stamps were pulled since they kept wrecking letters.

Deceased artist Salvadore Dali’s body will be exhumed as part of a paternity suit against his estate. A 56 year old woman claims that she is a legitimate heir; Dali’s family claims their father has been framed.

A Czechoslovakian nuclear power plant angered women by holding a Bikini Photo Contest to determine which interns would be hired. The women were further angered when they found out all of the winners were men.

 

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