Monday Jokes: August 27

A Newark, New Jersey high school installed a laundry room, after poorer students were bullied and teased for wearing dirty clothes. Students now use the laundry room frequently, but school security now reports having to deal with fights between the rival Downy and Snuggle gangs.

A new study in medical journal The Lancet concludes there is no level of alcohol consumption that is beneficial for your health – citing accidents, impaired judgment, and negative effects on major organs. Doctors who authored the study weren’t sure at first that it was accurate, but then they drank a few shots and were totally confident in it.

Angelina Jolie has changed divorce lawyers, citing creative differences.

Disney announced the name of their new Netflix-rival streaming service will be called ‘Disney Play’, named after what kids won’t be doing while using it.

Actor/director Asia Argento has been fired as a judge on ‘X Factor Italy’ after reports that she paid a six-figure settlement to a 17-year-old boy with whom she had sex. However, Argento has been offered a new gig on ‘XXX Factor’.

Brandon Johnson – singer Demi Lovato’s alleged drug dealer – said in an interview with TMZ that Lovato “100 percent knew (the strength of) what she was taking” on the night she overdosed. Johnson has established a unique place in the drug-dealing community by doing media interviews about being a drug dealer.

Yanise Ho, 23, calling herself ‘The Bladress’, is Rollerblading from Miami to New York to Portland by herself to promote female empowerment. She carries a 43-pound backpack and will only accept food, shelter and skate parts from strangers – no money. She said her biggest issues are shoulder and foot pain, and hanging on to the backs of tractor-trailers for long periods of time.

Dancing With The Stars pro dancer Witney Carson had a malignant mole removed from the top of her foot after a biopsy revealed it was melanoma. She has a favorable prognosis for recovery, but for the near future, her two-step will really be more of a one-step.

A 1962 Ferrari 250 GTO sold for $48 million at auction – a world record for any car ever sold at auction. The anonymous buyer is shilling out another million to have all the trees cut down on his driveway for when his teen son drives it.

The U.S. and Mexico have tentatively struck a new trade deal that could reshape economic relations from NAFTA related to auto manufacturing. The U.S. has seen its volume of vehicles manufactured drop – the new deal would potentially restore that number, and create jobs for Mexican immigrant children separated from their parents.

 

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