Comcast announced it’s rolled out 1 Gigabit/second speed availability to all of its residential internet customers. They’re encouraging people to sign up for the service and experience speeds about one-tenth as fast as advertised.

Greg Lansky, owner of Strike 3 Entertainment — a man who calls himself “the Steven Spielberg of porn” — is suing 40 ‘John Does’ in the Buffalo, NY area for pirating his adult content. The defendants have not been named, but dozens of 15-year-old boys are moving their allowances into offshore Cayman Islands accounts.

A school cafeteria manager in Nebraska resigned after admitting he made and sold chili to students containing kangaroo meat.  At a track meet the next day, a student broke the decades-old high jump record by a full foot.

Senator Mitch McConnell and his wife, Elaine Chao, were confronted by angry protesters on Friday night as they dined at a Cuban restaurant. McConnell said he was just there to enjoy his food and help ICE agents load a truck full of servers for deportation to Cuba.

A 22-year-old man arrested at Baltimore-Washington International Airport for possessing a firearm in his luggage blamed his mother, who he said did his packing.  As evidence, the man submitted a note attached to the .40 caliber rifle, reading “Have fun shooting someone! Call me. Love, Mom.”

Saudi Arabia confirmed that missing writer Jamal Khashoggi is dead. They said he was being interrogated when a fistfight broke out and he died. Asked where his body is, the Saudis said they gave it to a mortician, but that he got into a fistfight with a competing mortician and now they can’t find it.

Video surfaced of a male Coral Springs, Florida police officer repeatedly punching  the ribs of a 14-year-old girl, subdued and lying face-down on the ground outside of a mall. “I paid $49 for this?…” said UFC fight fans before realizing it wasn’t video of a UFC-sanctioned event.

Denis Hof, a Nevada entrepreneur who owned & operated two legal brothels, the Bunny Ranch & Love Ranch, died last week. Paramedics arrived to treat an ‘unresponsive male’, and were surprised to find a lifeless body, because ‘unresponsive males’ at the Bunny Ranch are usually treated with Cialis.

A large, inflatable walk-through colon was stolen from the University of Kansas Cancer Center. Meanwhile, an oversized rectum is being flown to Texas to appear at a campaign rally for Senator Ted Cruz.

A new study claims that adults can reduce their risk of cancer by eating organic. A poll of Americans asking if they’d rather do their weekly shopping at Whole Foods or get cancer was a toss-up.