Thursday Jokes: December 6

A New Jersey couple is suing Sandals resorts for $30 million, claiming that the night before their 2016 wedding, a butler for their suite came in and molested the bride. Sandals plans to vigorously defend against the action, saying their resorts are really all-inclusive.

At the Miss BumBum pageant in Brazil – where thong-bikini-wearing women compete for the best naturally curvy buttocks – the runner-up attacked the winner, saying she used fake butt implants. Pageant organizers disagreed, saying all contestants are x-ray’d and their stool samples are analyzed for traces of bath caulk.

A woman in Brazil is believed to be the first ever to give birth to a healthy baby after getting a uterus transplanted from a deceased donor. The father of the newborn said that, for him, the hardest part was impregnating the corpse.

SpaceX shared video of its Falcon 9 rocket booster splashing down in the ocean instead of making a dry landing at Cape Canaveral. CEO Elon Musk said that, despite the error, the rocket appears to be okay, and that he’s pretty sure the chimps who piloted it can swim.

The father of a 10-year-old Ohio girl – after hearing she bullied classmates – made her walk five miles to school while he followed in a car. The father said he wanted to teach her a lesson, although the girl said the road work gave her increased stamina for future bullying.

Amazon is reportedly crowdsourcing answers to the most difficult questions posed to its ‘Alexa’ voice assistant. Participation is invitation-only. and limited to the first 1,000 women who can articulately describe the location of the G-spot and clitoris, respectively.

Embattled cinema-ticket subscription service Moviepass unveiled a complex, multi-tiered pricing scheme. The choices range from $10/month for non-opening weekend films, to $20/month for IMAX & 3D showings, and a ‘Pay As You Go Like Everybody Else Cause We’ll Be Out of Business by Summer Anyway’ tier.

Researchers claim to have taken the first steps toward a blood test that can determine the presence of any cancer in your body in 10 minutes. The test is reportedly 90% accurate, a percentage criticized as too low by dogs who sniff for cancer in your colon or vagina.

A former Kellogg employee faces three years in prison for urinating on a breakfast cereal conveyor belt in the factory where he worked. He pleaded guilty to tampering with consumer products. Reached for comment about the cereal incident, a Kellogg’s spokesman said “Theyyrrrre NOT great!”

Apple released an update to watchOS, making the Apple Watch’s electrocardiogram & irregular heart rate notification features available today.  User reactions range from “Cool!” to “Uh oh”.

 

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