Monday Jokes: January 14

Captain Travis Zettel – commander of navy submarine USS Bremerton – was relieved of his duty after admitting to hiring prostitutes in the Philippines. This, despite Captain Zettel saving thousands of dollars he would have spent hiring them in Hawaii.

SpaceX announced it’s laying off 10% of its workforce, or about 700 employees, creating XtraSpaceX.

Hawaiian Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard announced she’s running for President in 2020 – making her an even bigger household name.

A Florida surgeon was fined $3,000 for removing a woman’s kidney that he thought was a tumor. Even worse, he was performing brain surgery.

Asymmetric jeans – with one fitted leg and one narrow leg – may be the next big style trend in women’s fashion. Most women agree they look ridiculous, but appreciate having to struggle with just one leg of them.

A 21-year-old male hide-and-seek player was found dead in an elevator shaft in an abandoned Detroit building the morning after the other players had gone home. He was posthumously declared the winner.

President Trump reportedly berated acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney in a meeting with Congressional Democrats regarding border security, saying “you just f**ked it all up”.  Trump overheard Mulvaney ordering Quarter Pounders instead of Big Macs from Uber Eats.

The Who announced 2019 summer tour dates. Or, as they’re known to anyone under 30, The Who?

A photo of an egg became the most-liked photo on Instagram with 23 million likes, surpassing the 18+ million likes from Kylie Jenner’s birth announcement photo last February. So the egg wins, even though the chick came first.

New research contradicts earlier studies pointing to Monday morning as the most-likely time to suffer a heart attack. Of the 2,631 heart attacks studied, most happened in the afternoon — proving that many people can’t get anything done until they’ve had their morning coffee.

Twitter is launching a new beta program to gather feedback on possible new features. “Why didn’t failing Twitter pick me to test new features? SAD!” wrote an anonymous user.

A handgun went undetected through a TSA security checkpoint at the Atlanta airport, and the passenger took it with them on a flight to Tokyo. TSA is investigating how they missed the gun, as well as the 10-gallon hat, spurs, holster, and horse.


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