Monday Jokes: March 4

Jeana Wesson, a Texas high school science teacher, was charged with locking the door of her classroom and molesting a 17-year-old student. Wesson was the boy’s chemistry teacher – and successfully convinced him that they had it.

Kylie Jenner accused boyfriend & baby-daddy Travis Scott of cheating after looking at his cell phone. Scott stayed in California to be with Jenner, cancelling a show in Buffalo, which everyone says he was really, really looking forward to.

Amazon is discontinuing Dash Buttons – which they created for easily reordering products. So now smooth operators accustomed to pressing a button to reorder Trojan condoms have an even better excuse for not having one.

Amazon also announced plans to open a new chain of grocery stores separate from Whole Foods, after surprising customer research found many Amazon Prime members weren’t pretentious organic-obsessed jerks.

Johnny Depp is suing ex-wife Amber Heard for $50 million, claiming defamation of character and alleging Heard had an affair with Elon Musk. Heard is expected to present a simple defense, claiming she couldn’t defame Depp’s character more than ‘Mortdecai’.

Volvo will limit the top speed of its cars to 112 mph in an effort to improve safety and reduce the risk of fatal accidents, and was dropping its sponsorship of the Soccer Mom Drag Racing Association of New Haven, Connecticut.

Melania Trump begins a three-city tour in support of her ‘Be Best’ anti-bullying initiative. Today, the First Lady will visit a school in Tulsa, followed by a visit to a technology company in Seattle. Nordstrom is now, apparently, a technology company.

Nintendo announced discounts on Mario-themed video games for March 10, Mario Day. Moms are busily practicing corny Italian accents to say “I’m-a not-a getting it for-a you..”

Enterpreneur Marc Köhlbrugge launched Expensive Chat, a web-based chat service where every character typed costs a penny. Köhlbrugge thinks the idea could be further developed, as soon as he figures out how to keep users from quitting because there’s no way to post nude selfies.

Ariana Grande made history in February, becoming the first artist since The Beatles to have all three top songs in the Billboard Hot 100, and the first to do it without possessing any musical talent.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s