Thursday Jokes: April 25th

A 70-year-old woman fell to her death off the rim of the Grand Canyon, the 4th such fatality this year. It’s gotten so bad, prairie dogs are warning each other to look up before they scamper across the canyon floor.

A Nebraska man being transported via ambulance with an irregular heartbeat had a normal heart rhythm restored when the ambulance hit a pothole. So, since potholes are health care now, cities are charging $30,000 each to dig them.

A Harvard study claims that Propionate, a preservative found in commercial baked goods, harms insulin levels, leading to weight gain and diabetes. Researchers conclude it’s either the Propionate, or eating whole grocery-store sheet cakes in one sitting.

The 2019 NCAA Women’s basketball champion Baylor Bears will visit the White House — the first female team and first basketball team to do so under the Trump Administration. The White House is thrilled because it will be the least-expensive team visit – there are only 12 of them, and there’s already a ton of Diet Coke lying around.

New Zealand announced a nationwide ban on plastic bags, and erected a statue in the capital of Wellington paying tribute to native alcoholics’ tradition of drinking from paper bags.

A parrot was taken into custody by Brazilian police, after playing lookout for crack dealers and shouting “Mamãe, policia!” (Mama, police!) as cops approached. The bird is being held without bail as officials search for a talking lawyer parrot to represent him.

A woman was arrested after being removed from a Frontier Airlines flight from Las Vegas to North Carolina, after complaining about vomit on her daughter’s seat. Frontier defended their actions, claiming they offered to upgrade the mother and daughter to seats with urine on them.

3M, maker of Scotch Tape and Post-Its, is cutting 2,000 jobs. They say the move will save them $250 million annually in salary & benefit costs, and about $100 million in stolen office supplies.

Convicted sex offender Bill Cosby is requesting release on bail as he files an appeal. Meanwhile, Pennsylvania may just have the legally-blind Cosby wear civilian clothes, drive him around for 45 minutes, then put him back in his cell saying “you’re home!”

April 27th is the Drug Enforcement Agency’s “Prescription Drug Take-Back Day”, where you can safely return unused prescription medication. The DEA advises you to find official dropoff sites, and not to give the pills to kids collecting them in car trunks, wheelbarrows and Radio Flyer wagons.

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