Monday Jokes: July 8th

Wildlife officials in the U.K. rescued what they thought was an exotic bird, that turned out to be a seagull covered in curry powder. They treated the bird, and stopped eating chicken tikka masala at a nearby Indian food buffet.

An artist unveiled a wooden statue of Melania Trump in her native Slovenia. Insiders say the President is frustrated by his inability to unveil the wooden statue living with him in the White House for the last two years.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup. President Trump said the women should be paid equally to the men, but then went ahead and ordered value meals for their visit instead of full-price Big Macs and Whoppers.

Martin Charnin, lyricist & writer of the Broadway smash Annie, died at age 84 following a hard knock – a heart attack.

Amazon is selling a 292-square-foot tiny house for $18,800. It takes 2-3 days to build and 2-3 friends to help you steal it off of the porch of someone who ordered it.

On a cruise bound for South Korea from Vladivostok, Russia, a man hallucinating & high on drugs burst into a married couple’s cabin and was arrested after a shoving match. It was all part of the maiden voyage of the new Carnival Angel Dust ship.

On his family’s first night living at their new home, a Virginia dad fired 39 warning shots and brawled with a naked woman who called herself “the devil” after she broke in on July 4th night. The woman was subsequently fired by Welcome Wagon.

ICE used facial recognition to scan state driver’s license databases without individual consent, angering civil rights activists and illegal immigrants who hate the way their face looks in those pictures.

The Cincinnati Reds wore ‘throwback’ 1956-era sleeveless jerseys – baring their arms – for a game against the Cleveland Indians that the Reds lost, 11-1. Sun’s out, empty guns out.

15-year-old American tennis phenom Cori Gauff’s run at Wimbledon ended with Round-of-16 defeat to 7th seed Simona Halep, as Coco went cold.

 

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