Friday Jokes: July 5th

Disney named Halle Bailey, a black actress, to play the lead role of Ariel in the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid. Racists are demanding the scales be balanced with Sebastian the Crab portrayed by Larry the Cable Guy.

Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp experienced outages on Wednesday. Opportunists seized on it to claim they never got the event invite to boring July 4th barbecues.

Joey Chestnut won his 12th Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship – and with it, surpassed the FDA’s recommended lifetime allowance of sodium 50 times over.

President Trump’s July 4th speech included factual errors about Americans taking over “airports” in 1776, and when the Star-Spangled Banner was written. Though Trump clearly doesn’t know history, the world hopes they’re spared his having to repeat it.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck California on July 4th, centered 150 miles northeast of Los Angeles. President Trump accused liberal Hollywood of stealing attention from his Salute To America in Washington, D.C.

Japan resumed commercial whaling. Asked what they would do with their catch, Japanese whalers replied “probably something gross.”

Witnesses near St. Petersburg, Florida watched 10 alligators drag a “badly decomposed” human body into Lake Maggiore – kicking off the grand opening of Florida’s newest Old Country Alligator Buffet.

A passenger on Columbian airline Viva Air arrived 30 minutes after boarding closed for her flight from Medellin to Bogota, leading her to angrily smash a gate agent’s laptop. She was arrested and later booked on a different flight to smuggle drugs.

Market researcher TrendForce states 65-inch TVs are the most popular choice in North American households, and 27-inch TVs are the most popular ones sitting by curbs with “FREE!” signs on them.

According to the Labor Department, job creation bounced back in June, reflecting the return of Marvel superheroes brought back to life in Avengers: Endgame.

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