Thursday Jokes: July 25th

Shopping malls losing retail tenants are increasingly filling the vacant space with doctor’s offices. This is great news if you want to get a cute new outfit before your appointment with the hot dentist, or if you have a heart attack while mall walking.

On its next scheduled mission, SpaceX will launch an Adidas soccer ball and green slime into outer space. They’re hoping it will help to lure out an 8-year-old who ran away from the International Space Station.

A note passed to a Domino’s Pizza employee at a New Mexico store led to the rescue of a kidnapped woman. Her captor allowed her to enter the store to get a takeout pizza, when she gave the clerk a note indicating she was a captive. The note added “P.S. your pizza sucks.”

Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard said that California Senator Kamala Harris was “not qualified” to be President — kicking off the first Democatfight.

Lifetime channel will produce a follow-up to their hit investigative series ‘Surviving R. Kelly’ — tentatively titled ‘Washing The Pee Off’.

Komiko Love, a single parent known as ‘The Budget Mom’, shared how she eliminated $77,000 in debt in 8 months. She created a strict system of tracking income and expenses, and sold her son.

A Florida man in a Captain America t-shirt was recorded masturbating in front of a female security guard at a gated community. The guard asked him to cover up with his Vibranium shield until more sober Avengers could take him home.

Viral video shows a bison at Yellowstone National Park charging and tossing a 9-year-old girl in the air, after becoming agitated at tourists standing too close. The girl was treated and released, and the bison used a nearby tree trunk to realign his horns.

The House of Representatives voted 429-3 to advance the Stopping Bad Robocalls Act, aimed to reduce unwanted telemarketing calls. The three dissenting voters said they held out because they want to hear more about these zero-percent interest rate credit cards.

A new AAA study claims older drivers are more easily distracted than younger drivers by in-car technology, taking 4-to-8 seconds longer to interact with dashboard systems. AAA claims some systems are poorly designed, while others have no outlets to plug in a Walkman.

FBI agents raided Biological Resource Center in Phoenix, a body-part donation bank, and found a cooler full of detached penises.  Agents removed them from the cooler and they got a lot bigger.

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