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Mattel introduced the first-ever Hot Wheels remote-controlled wheelchair toy, modeled after paraplegic daredevil Aaron ‘Wheels’ Fotheringham. The toy jumps ramps and does tricks, but still takes five minutes to get in and out of the remote-controlled van.

Philadelphia public schools will randomly screen students for weapons like handguns and knives. They won’t say where or when, but the school superintendent said they’ll probably focus on days when teachers have Show & Tell.

Fugitive murderer Casey White was captured after a car wreck ended a police chase in Indiana, and his alleged lover – corrections officer Vicky White – died at the hospital. Casey & Vicky: Love On the Run, starring Valerie Bertinelli, premieres on Lifetime this Friday.

Nikki Sixx condemned an unauthorized stage play The Crue: Underneath The Dirt Lies The Truth, which he says uses band trademarks & imagery without permission. Unlike most stage productions, producers cast the Vince Neil role to the worst singer.

Lizzo is introducing Yitty, a new women’s shapewear line. Apparel experts call it “a lot to ask of shapewear”.

Australian police found 110 pounds of cocaine near the body of a diver that had washed up on shore. An autopsy revealed the diver didn’t wait a half-hour after eating lunch before going in the water.

A prison riot in Ecuador left 43 people dead, in what’s being called the Taco Tuesday Massacre.

Jeffery Lamar Williams, 30, aka rapper Young Thug, was arrested for organizing a criminal street gang in his home city of Atlanta. Young Thug will be tried as Adult Defendant.

WNBA players posed for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. The shoot lasted several hours, following bikini waxing that took several days.

Britney Spears posted a dozen nude photographs on Instagram. Her fiance reminded her that’s not what it means that she has to be seen by an ob/gyn.

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Heavyweight boxer Andy Ruiz defeated Chris Arreola Saturday night, via a 12-round unanimous decision. Ruiz delivered more punches to an Arreola than Ronda Rousey did in her entire career.

A SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule made the first nighttime splashdown carrying U.S. astronauts since 1968. Police were called to the residence of a terrified homeowner to assist getting them out of his pool.

The NFL Draft concluded, with over 12 hours of live coverage spanning three days. To satisfy fans’ need to see names and pictures of athletes they’ve never heard of, this weekend Lifetime will air three days of 32 hot women picking men on Tinder.

A 39-year-old Colorado woman walking her two dogs was attacked and killed by a bear. The two dogs survived and called their owner “not as fast as us”.

Budweiser is offering a free beer to anyone providing proof of COVID-19 vaccination. Budweiser is also the Official Beer of COVID-19 Victims who lost their senses of taste & smell.

Medina Spirit won the Kentucky Derby, finishing ahead of socially-distanced second-place Mandaloun.

The CDC is claiming anxiety, not the contents of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, caused adverse reactions to recipients. They cited dozens of anxious people who suffered blood clots watching ‘Godzilla vs Kong’.

A dozen people were injured when an outdoor deck collapsed as 40 people posed for a photo at Tennessee’s Soddy Daisy restaurant. 28 people asked if they could take the picture again.

Dcorey Johnson, a 3rd grader at a Louisville elementary school, is a viral sensation thanks to his singing the Star Spangled Banner during morning announcements. However, a dozen kindergartners are kneeling during the anthem to protest the lousy food at snack time.

Max Hodak, co-founder of brain-implant company Neuralink, resigned from the company. Then the other co-founder, Elon Musk, flipped a switch and Hodak changed his mind.

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Cadillac introduced its first fully-electric car. It comes with four different preventative features to keep senior citizens from pumping gas in the power outlet.

Jennifer Grey will reprise her iconic role as Baby in an upcoming Dirty Dancing sequel. Patrick Swayze will reprise his iconic role in Ghost.

New York Yankees manager Aaron Boone complained to umpires about Philadelphia Phillies fans blowing air horns outside the stadium during Yankees’ at-bats. The fans said they’re only doing it because they can’t throw batteries 900 feet to home plate.

A waste removal company in the U.K. took three hours clearing trash from a woman’s home, then dumped it all back when she refused to pay. Neighbors said it’s the biggest pile of garbage they’ve seen since Britain’s Got Talent.

A large blackout hit NYC neighborhoods in the Upper West Side and Harlem. Local organizers are seeking permission for a mural to commemorate it.

In a new Lifetime documentary, convicted murderer Jodi Arias’ cellmates say she performed strip teases for male guards in exchange for favorable treatment. Arias said she took her clothes off because horizontal stripes make her look fat.

Upper West Side residents in New York City say the luxury hotels housing homeless men during the pandemic are making the neighborhood unsafe. The hotels are also frustrated by the high volume of room service calls ordering crack.

The price of the new Playstation 5 just leaked – by parents badgered by their 12-year-olds if they could have a $500 advance on their allowance.

Tesla is launching a ‘car wrap’ service, so owners can wrap their cars in colors not offered by the manufacturer, and so owners can just write Look At ME on the wrap.

The owner of travel websites Kayak and Booking.com says travel won’t be back to normal until a COVID-19 vaccine is available – except for Spirit and Frontier airlines, where flying with sick cheapskates is business as usual.

 

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Actor Dennis Quaid, 65, confirmed he’s engaged to 26-year-old Laura Savoie. Savoie had previously dated Jeremy Piven right up until she watched Piven’s stand-up comedy act.

  • Actor Randy Quaid announced his engagement to a 21-year-old black bear he met while hiking in the woods.

TMZ reports actress Lori Loughlin is more likely to take a plea deal in her college admissions trial. She’s reportedly scared by Felicity Huffman’s 14-day prison sentence, and more scared of wearing that green prison suit Huffman was photographed in.

A St. Louis high school cancelled the remainder of their undefeated football season after finding out the coach suited up a suspended player with a new number and identity. The player was identified by his tattoos, and by the funny nose/moustache/glasses he wore.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos visited a Washington D.C. school. One student asked “Who’s Jeff Bezos?” The teacher replied, “ask your Dad, Barron.”

The cast of ‘Facts of Life’ – Tootie, Blair, Natalie & Jo – will reunite for a Lifetime Holiday movie, “Facts of Menopause Christmas”.

Google Maps will now allow drivers to report slowdowns, police speed traps, and road hazards – like the rear-end collisions they experience while staring at their phone reporting slowdowns and police speed traps.

Miley Cyrus defended her “you don’t have to be gay” comment about distrusting men, reaffirming her belief that being gay is not a choice, and her prioritization of the LGBTQ community that she is a part of when she feels like it.

A meth addict living in a suburban Philadelphia halfway house ordered uranium because he thought it would be cool to pose with it and share a photo on social media. He’s now being treated for smoking uranium.

A National Bureau of Economic Research study finds 60 percent of Uber riders don’t tip, and women tip less than men, possibly because they’re terrified.

Under Armour founder Kevin Plank is resigning as CEO amidst the company’s loss in market share, and as he struggles to explain why they’re still called Under Armour even though most of their stuff is worn on the outside.

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Shopping malls losing retail tenants are increasingly filling the vacant space with doctor’s offices. This is great news if you want to get a cute new outfit before your appointment with the hot dentist, or if you have a heart attack while mall walking.

On its next scheduled mission, SpaceX will launch an Adidas soccer ball and green slime into outer space. They’re hoping it will help to lure out an 8-year-old who ran away from the International Space Station.

A note passed to a Domino’s Pizza employee at a New Mexico store led to the rescue of a kidnapped woman. Her captor allowed her to enter the store to get a takeout pizza, when she gave the clerk a note indicating she was a captive. The note added “P.S. your pizza sucks.”

Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard said that California Senator Kamala Harris was “not qualified” to be President — kicking off the first Democatfight.

Lifetime channel will produce a follow-up to their hit investigative series ‘Surviving R. Kelly’ — tentatively titled ‘Washing The Pee Off’.

Komiko Love, a single parent known as ‘The Budget Mom’, shared how she eliminated $77,000 in debt in 8 months. She created a strict system of tracking income and expenses, and sold her son.

A Florida man in a Captain America t-shirt was recorded masturbating in front of a female security guard at a gated community. The guard asked him to cover up with his Vibranium shield until more sober Avengers could take him home.

Viral video shows a bison at Yellowstone National Park charging and tossing a 9-year-old girl in the air, after becoming agitated at tourists standing too close. The girl was treated and released, and the bison used a nearby tree trunk to realign his horns.

The House of Representatives voted 429-3 to advance the Stopping Bad Robocalls Act, aimed to reduce unwanted telemarketing calls. The three dissenting voters said they held out because they want to hear more about these zero-percent interest rate credit cards.

A new AAA study claims older drivers are more easily distracted than younger drivers by in-car technology, taking 4-to-8 seconds longer to interact with dashboard systems. AAA claims some systems are poorly designed, while others have no outlets to plug in a Walkman.

FBI agents raided Biological Resource Center in Phoenix, a body-part donation bank, and found a cooler full of detached penises.  Agents removed them from the cooler and they got a lot bigger.

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Twitter released its redesigned site for desktop computers. You can now choose traditional blue & white or other color schemes to read everything that pisses you off.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics released a map showing the job with the highest-paying average annual salary in each state. Congratulations to West Virginia heroin dealers.

David Liddle was arrested near Taylor Swift’s Rhode Island home carrying a baseball bat, lock picks, a crowbar and other tools. He told police he knew her and was planning a visit. Swift later asked cops if they’d seen a guy dropping off her baseball bat and crowbar.

President Trump is seeking to reduce the number of Americans who qualify for food stamps, claiming millionaires are obtaining and abusing them, and that you can’t use them on Big Macs, anyway.

GNC is closing 900 stores, so start finding a website for all that protein you’ll need to stay jacked, bra’.

It was revealed that Neil Armstrong’s family was paid $6 million by the hospital performing his 2012 heart surgery to settle medical malpractice claims. According to his children, it was one small step for justice, one giant leap to the Porsche dealership.

Three adults were charged for their roles in the violent fistfight at Disneyland’s Toontown captured on video this month. They are set to appear in Toontown Family Court.

A Georgia woman who claimed she got cold french fries at McDonald’s took them back to the counter, then fired a handgun in to the kitchen floor. She received a refund on the fries but was still charged for a salt.

Lifetime is turning the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal into a made-for-cable movie. Producers are worried that if they cast Candace Cameron Buré as Lori Loughlin, the entire cable tv system will collapse in on itself like a black hole.

‘El Chapo’ Guzman told a judge prior to his sentencing to life plus 30 years that harsh prison conditions are causing him harm. The judge then ordered him to Supermax for the life sentence, and said he’d consider somewhere nicer for the ‘plus 30 years’ part.

 

 

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R Kelly refuses to watch the Lifetime docuseries ‘Surviving R Kelly’ – detailing his alleged abuse of women – calling it a “vendetta” against him. Sources say Kelly is really pissed on about it.

A giant tuna sold for a record $3.1 million at auction to a restaurant owner in Tokyo. He then paid another $1 million for bread, mayonnaise, celery & onions to break the record for the world’s biggest, most disappointing lunch.

According to LinkedIn, ‘artificial intelligence’ is one of the top 5 hard skills employers are seeking in 2019.  And by artificial intelligence, they aren’t referring to lying on your LinkedIn profile.

Brazilian UFC fighter Polyana Viana said she beat up a man in Rio de Janeiro who was attempting to steal her cell phone. UFC President Dana White immediately boarded a flight to Rio to collect $40 from everyone who saw it happen.

Alabama police are warning drivers against stopping on Highway 35 to retrieve chicken tenders that were spilled on the road in an 18-wheeler wreck. Their plea will likely prove unsuccessful, because in Alabama, the 5-second rule is 5 days.

Kendall Jenner took to Instagram to say she struggles with facial acne, and to announce that she’s the new celebrity spokesperson for Proactiv.  Still no word which of her sisters will be named spokesperson for new Proactiv for Ginormous Butt Zits.

Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa is the new record-holder for most retweeted post ever. He promised to share $975,000 with 100 randomly-selected persons who retweeted him. As of this morning, the tweet had been retweeted more than 5 million times, 4.96 million of those coming from @realDonaldTrump .

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was absent from oral arguments in the Supreme Court’s first session of 2019. Ginsburg is recovering from cancer surgery, and from getting hammered at the premiere of the new movie about her.

According to a new law, Saudi Arabian women divorced by their husbands will be notified via text message. Which sounds terrible, but women getting divorce notifications from Boost Mobile probably knew their husband wasn’t a billionaire.

  • ‘New phone. Who dis?’ read a reply to a wrong-number divorce notification.

Kevin Spacey appeared in a Nantucket court Monday morning as his attorney entered a plea of not guilty to charges against Spacey for sexual assault. “How did he get here so soon after the Golden Globes?” asked a low-level court employee who hasn’t been keeping up.

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A new study by the National Center for Health Statistics determined that living in the wrong neighborhood can take 20 or more years off of your life. The study compared the life expectancy of suburbanites who work in offices, to that of city dwellers who get paid in cash and walk home from work at 3a.m.

Justin Bieber secretly wed model Hailey Baldwin in a New York City courthouse last week.  The couple still plans to have a formal ceremony so they can exchange vows before family, before God, and before they divorce in a few months.

Mia Bally, a participant in Lifetime Television’s ‘Married at First Sight’, filed for divorce from Tristan Thompson, her husband of two episodes.

Hannah Siboyeh, a 23-year-old school employee in Houston, Texas, admitted that she lost her virginity to a 15-year-old student at the school, in what his classmates are calling “the greatest health class, ever.”

Randall Gene Owens, football coach and physical education teacher at Palatka, Florida High School, was banned from teaching and coaching after being accused of telling a player to “commit suicide”, head-butting another, and blowing his nose on yet another. Parents were reportedly outraged that their kids didn’t get more playing time.

A study from the Aspen Institute recommended that children should avoid playing tackle football before age 14, saying that organizations like Pop Warner should focus on flag football, instead. The report stated that if parents still wanted their kids to get concussions, there’s always gymnastics and soccer.

A Wyoming hunting guide was fatally mauled and his client severely injured after being attacked by a pair of grizzly bears. The client said the deceased was “pretty good at the guide part, and not so good at the hunting part.”

Several women took to Twitter to criticize Apple’s latest iPhone designs, saying that, at 6.5 inches, the iPhone Xs Max is far too big for the average woman’s hand. “Why didn’t you say that about me?” asked their boyfriends.

Buffalo Bills Vontae Davis stunned teammates by retiring and leaving the locker room at halftime of the Bills’ 31-20 home loss to the Los Angeles Chargers. Davis started the game at cornerback, and finished it on an aisle seat.

A study in medical journal Pediatrics is cited in an effort to ban infant walkers in the U.S. Research claims that between 1990 and 2014, more than 230,000 children under the age of 15 months were injured using walkers, and that still more were injured trying to run on infant treadmills.