Monday Jokes: September 16th

Singer Sam Smith announced via social media a change in pronouns to gender-neutral; Smith wants to be addressed as ‘they’ or ‘them’. Since Smith hasn’t had a hit song in years, most people are using the pronoun “Who?”

Subscription service Moviepass shut down. Owners plan to reorganize and start a business selling $12 buckets of popcorn online.

Saudi Arabia shut down half its crude oil production after Yemeni rebels set fire to multiple facilities with drone strikes. With cash flow cut in half, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman had to call off half of his weekly weddings and murders-for-hire.

An 18-year-old Juul user is suing the vape company, claiming he has the lungs of a 70 year old. He’s seeking damages in an amount befitting a rich 80-year-old.

The FDA is recommending approval of Palforzia, a drug to build immunity to peanut allergies in children. Recommended dosage is one Palforzia & jelly sandwich each day.

Rob Gronkowski said his brain is “fixed” after suffering 20 concussions. As evidence, Gronk said he’s just as smart as he was when he was 6 years old and hadn’t played football yet.

Jennifer Lopez said her 11-year-old son, Max, will walk her down the aisle when she marries Alex Rodriguez. Her daughter will hold her train, walking two feet behind her to avoid bumping into her ass.

A 6-year-old girl, who noticed her Army figurines were all men, convinced a toymaker to create female Army figurines, but only after conceding to the toymaker’s demand that they have huge boobs and a narrow waist.

A woman in Tennessee gave birth to a daughter, Caroline, on 9/11, at 9:11pm weighing 9 pounds, 11 ounces.  Her health insurer then gave her a copay bill of $9,011.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino celebrated his release from prison with his wife. The woman wife, not the prison one.

Caitlyn Jenner, speaking in a promo for a Comedy Central roast of Alec Baldwin, said she hasn’t cut “it” off. Sadly she meant both her penis and her tongue.


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