Friday Jokes: December 13th

Heavy storm activity washed thousands of penis-shaped ‘fat innkeeper worms’ on to a northern California beach. Ordinarily, to see that many ugly dicks on a beach you’d have to go to the Jersey Shore in July.

Senator Mitch McConnell said in the event of a Senate Impeachment Trial, he’ll let White House lawyers run it. So they’ll need to move the time to coincide with the work day in Ukraine.

Lizzo is Time Magazine’s 2019 Entertainer of the Year. She awaits her congratulatory insult tweet from President Trump.

Comcast announced price increases for its cable TV and broadband Internet service plans. In a statement, a spokesperson attributed the price hikes to the sun rising and the sky being blue.

Amazon is launching a home internet service. Once you click a link, the page loads in two days.

Slate published an opinion piece asserting homeowners with doorbell cameras should have a sign telling visitors they’re being recorded. That way, package thieves can go back to their car and grab a hoodie.

Disney is being sued for putting the phrase “Trust Your Journey” on Frozen 2 merchandise, because a breast cancer support organization trademarked it. Disney lawyers so far have failed to prove that Olaf the Snowman has cancer.

The FDA is investigating 3 separate E. coli outbreaks. Even though they’re reportedly caused by bags of salad, inspectors are starting at Chipotle since doing so has saved them a lot of time in the past.

The NFL’s New York Giants waived cornerback Janoris Jenkins after he called someone a “retard” on Twitter. Jenkins and all other professional athletes have learned their lesson and will never call opponents or fans an awful name like that again.

Scientists and addiction experts are advocating replacing the term ‘alcoholic’ with ‘alcohol use disorder’.  They also say a private gathering of people with alcohol use disorder can still be called an AA Meeting, while public ones can still be called ‘happy hour’.


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