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You Tube’r Gabbie Hanna is being called ‘tone deaf’ for a video where she tells her 7 million followers that they can overcome depression with hobbies like jet skiing. In other news, a dozen teenagers are missing after renting jet skis and never returning.

New Jersey is just days away from instituting a plastic bag & foam container ban. Crackheads will either need to bring their own bag, or carry their purchase in a body cavity of choice.

Comcast/Xfinity & Charter/Spectrum – the U.S.’ two biggest cable tv providers – are teaming up to manufacture & distribute streaming video devices & smart TVs to compete with Roku, Google & Amazon. They say their analysis determined that the streaming hardware space was lacking “terrible customer service”.

Harvard University released a detailed report of its involvement in the U.S. slave trade, including faculty and staff that owned slaves. Harvard said they couldn’t have finished it without the exhaustive research provided by unpaid interns.

Akihiko Kondo, a Japanese man who married a hologram of a 16-year-old girl and identifies as “fictosexual”, said he can’t speak to her anymore because her software is broken. He worries he may never know the results of her pregnancy test.

An 11-year-old Filipino boy was able to survive a landslide by taking refuge in a refrigerator – an ordeal he described as ‘chilling’.

Vice President Kamala Harris is isolating after a positive COVID test. She’s being told to stay away from President Biden – which is on her to-do list every day, anyway.

Warner Brothers Pictures released the first images of actress Margot Robbie in the upcoming film ‘Barbie’. Robbie’s hair & makeup are minimal, but it takes two hours each day to put molded plastic over her crotch with a Mattel trademark.

China reported the first human infection of H3N8 bird flu. Health officials said H3N8 was the order number on the guy’s receipt at KFC.

Firefighters in Washington state were called to rescue a woman who fell into an outhouse toilet trying to retrieve her dropped cell phone. She was hosed down at the scene but was still refused service later that day at the Genius Bar.

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Russia opened a criminal investigation of Facebook for allowing posts calling for the death of Russian invaders in Ukraine. So far, though, the ‘Criminal Trial Of Mark Zuckerberg’ Facebook event has only Vladimir Putin ‘Going’.

Christina Haack & Tarek El Moussa announced the end of their hit HGTV show Flip Or Flop. Each said they’ll continue to flip spouses and flop into bed with other reality stars.

Empire actor Jussie Smollett – found guilty of falsely staging a hate crime – was sentenced to 150 days in jail, where’s he’s expected to get a good look at real ones.

A Billy Joel film biography is in development, despite having no rights to the music or likeness of Billy Joel. The working title is ‘Bug-eyed Guy Getting Drunk and Having Sex With Christie Brinkley‘

The Buffalo Bills named architecture firm Populous to design their new stadium. Populous is known for their stadium work, and for inventing warming packs to stick in your shoes, gloves & underwear.

Russia & Belarus can no longer play Pokemon Go. Russian diplomats denied starting Pokemon battles, anyway.

Two Internet ‘backbone’ providers have cut Russia off from the global internet, in a move designed to make service in Moscow & other major cities “almost as bad as Spectrum & Xfinity”.

Major League Baseball owners & players tentatively agreed to a new labor deal, and a full 162-game schedule with expanded playoffs will start April 7th, or as soon as the Houston Astros can finalize their cheat codes.

The U.S. banned the import of Russian vodka, diamonds & caviar. Cemetery workers in Forest Lawn, California reported tremors from Elizabeth Taylor spinning in her grave.

Tinder introduced background checks, to complement users’ standard backside checks.

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A U.S. man claims a bout with COVID shrunk his penis by one-and-a-half inches. His girlfriend believes he may be Patient Zero since it was that size when she met him four years ago.

Google changed the ‘white noise’ played on its Google Nest home speakers, leading to lots of disgruntled noise, mostly from white people.

Internet service in Tonga was interrupted by a tsunami, which locals named ‘Xfinity’.

In the wake of a hostage situation at a Texas synagogue, the FBI warned that faith-based organizations will continue to be targets of violence. “Well, that settles it, I’m done with church” said kids playing video games on Sunday morning.

Supermodel Bella Hadid opened up about her debilitating mental health struggles, which include figuring out how to download Instagram off of the App Store.

Employees at fitness company Peloton say that a sales slowdown and cost-cutting are driving down morale to an all-time low, despite spandex-clad managers yelling “Come on Peloton! You can do it!” dozens of times each day.

Full House actress Jodie Sweetin is getting married for the fourth time. To save money on postage she just handed out the invitations at Bob Saget’s funeral.

Doctors have identified a genetic risk factor for COVID patients who lose their taste & smell – specifically, inheriting the genes of idiot parents who also didn’t want vaccines.

The hedge fund which owns 5% of Kohl’s department store is demanding changes to the executive team and board of directors. The executives regret allowing the hedge fund to accumulate so much Kohl’s Cash.

Hamsters are being euthanized in Hong Kong over COVID fears. The hamsters are attempting to run but aren’t getting further than tubes and large wheels.

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Disney Parks announced the reopening of Typhoon Lagoon, a water park that’s been closed for two years. The current wait time for a water slide is two years.

A middle-aged man participating in the Coney Island Polar Plunge on New Years Day suffered a heart attack and had to be dragged from the ocean, where he was given CPR and left in an ambulance. Onlookers called it “the least-sexy Baywatch episode ever”.

Scientists are worried about the spread of COVID-19 from humans to deer, who are contracting it from close contact with the front bumpers of cars.

Congressman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s personal Twitter account was permanently suspended after posting lies about deaths from COVID vaccines. She’s allowed to keep her professional account, because lies from Congress are considered standard.

The January 6th Committee has “firsthand” knowledge of Donald Trump watching the riots on tv and doing nothing – specifically, a recorded call from Trump to Xfinity customer service because Fox News had briefly gone off-air.

Ghislaine Maxwell has reportedly been placed on “suicide watch”. Following the death of Jeffrey Epstein, prison officials increased the detail from two guards to four who won’t do anything about it.

An Australian man protesting the country’s vaccine mandates set himself on fire. He was rescued and listed in critical but stable condition at a nearby hospital, where he added he also was protesting the high price of the gasoline he used.

Police in Amsterdam used riot gear and attack dogs to disperse a crowd gathered to protest public gatherings. Video shows a German Shepherd locking on a protester’s arm, then later locking down on his handler’s arm after he tried to swab the dog’s nose for COVID.

Actress Betty White passed away at age 99. Televised celebrations of her 100th birthday will still go ahead as planned, with other nonagenarian actresses led by Angela Lansbury taking 20 minutes to blow out all the birthday candles.

Inmates at the prison which once housed Bill Cosby still call him several times a week. Most are seeking guidance, others are looking for drink-mixing advice to welcome their new cellmate.

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Pope Francis said that sins of the flesh are not the most serious, referring to sex outside marriage. Catholic priests – who can’t be married – are interpreting this opinion as the ultimate green light.

Comcast launched YouTube TV on its broadband-only streaming service, for those people who’ve always wondered what it’s like to say “my YouTube went out”.

Southeast U.S. grocery chain Publix limited purchase of more items at its stores, including pie crusts, whipping cream, hashbrowns and cooking oil. Oddly enough, southerners face no restrictions on healthy food.

Scientists developed a 46-question test that cat owners can complete to tell if their cat is a psychopath. They admit the test is long, but feel most cat owners aren’t too busy with dates on evenings and weekends.

The Ghislaine Maxwell trial was cut short on Thursday when one of the attorneys became ill. Participants were sent home, despite Maxwell offering to have a teenage girl come to examine the lawyer.

Wisconsin GOP Senator Ron Johnson falsely claimed mouthwash could kill COVID-19. “How would you know?” said his wife, who smells his breath regularly.

A jury found actor Jussie Smollett guilty of falsely reporting a hate crime. He now faces charges of falsely reporting his acquittal.

Kanye West used a concert appearance to ask estranged wife Kim Kardashian to “run right back” to him. Kardashian speculated a return is unlikely, since Kanye failed tryouts for both the Los Angeles Lakers and Saturday Night Live.

A new study found healthy men between the ages of 20 and 65 who vaped nicotine doubled their risk of erectile dysfunction. The vapers who struggled with erections switched to regular cigarettes so at least they could look cool.

Alec Baldwin took his wife and kids Christmas tree shopping, but denies knowing how any of the trees died.

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Comcast announced a record 633,00 new high-speed internet customers in the 3rd quarter of 2020, leading to their hiring a record 4 new customer service representatives to assist them.

The first U.S. nest of 98 ‘murder hornets’ was found in Washington state. 85 were killed and 13 were captured alive, following a tense standoff where beekeepers fired over 200 cans of Raid.

‘The Bachelorette‘ Clare Crawley was criticized for a group date segment where men competing for her affection played ‘strip dodgeball’. Crawley did not participate, but did admit to getting hit by multiple participants’ balls.

Fox is launching ‘The Masked Singer‘ spinoff series ‘The Masked Dancer’. Then they’ll launch another spinoff, ‘The Masked Murderer’, where panelists try to guess which costumed celebrity is O.J. Simpson.

Scientists discovered a new ‘proto planet’ made entirely of iron & nickel worth ten thousand quadrillion dollars. Now they just need several thousand years to get the strip mining equipment to it and cash in.

Astronomers from multiple countries compiled their most detailed “family portrait” of black holes to date. The astronomers are struggling to communicate how many black holes are in it without making porn puns.

White House insiders claim Donald Trump is abandoning CDC COVID-19 guidelines to focus on so-called ‘herd immunity’ – starting by ‘immunizing’ young female interns who brought him Big Macs after he got out of the hospital.

Khloe Kardashian revealed she contracted COVID-19, although some are saying she did it on purpose to promote the new season of ‘Revenge Body with Khloe Kardashian: Pandemic Edition’.

A new study finds that immunity to COVID-19 lasts for months – mostly because nobody wants to get anywhere near you.

Jack Nicklaus endorsed Donald Trump because he’s used to letting Trump think he can win.

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The first wave of lawsuits over workplace deaths during the COVID-19 pandemic have started. So far, most of them are targeting meatpacking plants, filed by the families of cows.

A 2004 video surfaced of Donald Trump being denied in-person voting at multiple NYC locations because he wasn’t registered at them. To prevent being refused service in the future, he proceeded to register at 36 metropolitan NYC McDonald’s restaurants.

Ellen Degeneres issued an apology for allowing a toxic work environment at her daytime talk show. She also apologized for the time she gave the audience books and socks during the 12 Days Of Holiday Giveaways.

Google’s in-home assistant Nest Hub Max added new games you can play on the device, including ‘Trivia Crack’, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’, and ‘Guess What We’re Doing With Your Social Security Number’.

Jeff Bezos dropped $10 million on a property adjacent to the Beverly Hills estate he recently acquired for $165 million. And by dropped, he literally had $10 million fall out of his pants as he walked by it.

Comcast lost 477,000 cable tv customers between April and June, and found another 500,000 on hold waiting to cancel.

Walt Disney World closed Tomorrowland’s Carousel of Progress for a day – and renamed it Platform Of Repair.

Coca-Cola will enter the hard seltzer market with a brand called Topo Chico – which translates loosely to ‘drink of top-heavy chicks’.

Nicki Minaj’s husband, a felon and convicted sex offender, asked a judge to be present when his pregnant wife’s baby breaks out of jail.

Nicole Denison, 29, a flight attendant for Allegiant Air, was arrested for assault after she returned home to find another woman, and her husband in the upright & locked position.

 

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‘The Bachelor’ Peter Weber and Madison Prewett reportedly broke up just days after Weber selected Prewett on the series finale. They’re taking some time apart before looking to meet people on other tv shows.

Comcast announced they’re providing free broadband to low-income households during the coronavirus crisis. To qualify, customers just need to call a toll-free number and speak to a live person, which should take about three weeks.

Ikea launched a new Botanisk line of indoor gardening products. So, good luck figuring out how to put together a fern.

The wife of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tested positive for coronavirus. Nine out of ten women still say they’d trade places with her.

A viral video shows people in Siena, Italy – quarantined within their houses – joining together in song at their windows. The sad part is the song was ‘Seasons In The Sun’. [story h/t to Joe M.]

The PGA Tour announced The Masters tournament will be postponed. In its place, CBS Sports will air four days of Tiger Woods painting a small deck and watching it dry.

Buffalo Wild Wings is changing its order sizing. Instead of ordering small, medium, or large portions of wings, customers will now order by quantity of 6, 10, 15, 20 or 30 wings. Amidst the change, company executives assure the public that the wings will still suck.

Ring upgraded its latest doorbell security cameras with new crime-prevention upgrades, including precise motion-tracking zones, dual-band wifi compatibility, and bullets.

Starbucks CEO says its stores may temporarily ban in-person orders. Customers will have to use mobile or drive-thru ordering, and ask for baristas’ help stealing Splenda packets.

A Missouri third-grade teacher is encouraging students to wash their hands by ink-stamping them in the morning with her name, ‘Mrs. Woods’, then making sure it’s washed off by day’s end. An 11th grade teacher is doing the same, but students are wondering why her phone number is on it too.

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Heavy storm activity washed thousands of penis-shaped ‘fat innkeeper worms’ on to a northern California beach. Ordinarily, to see that many ugly dicks on a beach you’d have to go to the Jersey Shore in July.

Senator Mitch McConnell said in the event of a Senate Impeachment Trial, he’ll let White House lawyers run it. So they’ll need to move the time to coincide with the work day in Ukraine.

Lizzo is Time Magazine’s 2019 Entertainer of the Year. She awaits her congratulatory insult tweet from President Trump.

Comcast announced price increases for its cable TV and broadband Internet service plans. In a statement, a spokesperson attributed the price hikes to the sun rising and the sky being blue.

Amazon is launching a home internet service. Once you click a link, the page loads in two days.

Slate published an opinion piece asserting homeowners with doorbell cameras should have a sign telling visitors they’re being recorded. That way, package thieves can go back to their car and grab a hoodie.

Disney is being sued for putting the phrase “Trust Your Journey” on Frozen 2 merchandise, because a breast cancer support organization trademarked it. Disney lawyers so far have failed to prove that Olaf the Snowman has cancer.

The FDA is investigating 3 separate E. coli outbreaks. Even though they’re reportedly caused by bags of salad, inspectors are starting at Chipotle since doing so has saved them a lot of time in the past.

The NFL’s New York Giants waived cornerback Janoris Jenkins after he called someone a “retard” on Twitter. Jenkins and all other professional athletes have learned their lesson and will never call opponents or fans an awful name like that again.

Scientists and addiction experts are advocating replacing the term ‘alcoholic’ with ‘alcohol use disorder’.  They also say a private gathering of people with alcohol use disorder can still be called an AA Meeting, while public ones can still be called ‘happy hour’.

 

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Apple is rumored to be dropping the charging port from future iPhones. Users worry that dropping anything involving an iPhone will break the screen.

The wife of Papa John’s pizza founder John Schnatter filed for divorce. They will each receive four slices.

Actor Chris Pratt apologized after Aquaman star Jason Momoa criticized him for drinking from a single-use plastic water bottle. Pratt said from now on when he drinks from one on location, he’ll piss in the empty bottle to reuse it.

The FBI warns hackers use digital assistants like Google Assistant or Amazon Alexa to access your router and steal data. They advise “microsegmenting” your home network to secure it, so go ahead and call Xfinity customer service and wait a half hour to see if they’ve heard of it.

Inc Magazine listed tips on How To Be The Most Interesting Person At Your Office Holiday Party. They include smiling, making eye contact and listening — all of which become easier if you get really wasted.

Bill Nye The Science Guy is suing Disney for $28 million, claiming he’s owed profits from his 1990s television show, and that Disney showed age bias by refusing his requests to audition for The New Mickey Mouse Club.

The 9-3 Buffalo Bills are officially selling playoff tickets, although they’re really selling parkas and boots with the tickets stuffed in them.

Disney theme parks new Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance ride is a half-hour long. Park workers get extensive training teaching 6-year-olds to use The Force to ‘hold it’ until the ride’s over.

Customers in the U.K. who ordered Nintendo Switch game consoles on Amazon claim they were mistakenly shipped condoms, tambourines and electric toothbrushes. They’ll each get the Switch they ordered, along with free copies of Mario’s Horniest Party Ever.

Serena Williams wants to have another child, and is trying to get her eggs to accept sperm instead of hitting them back.