Wednesday Jokes: December 18th

Campbell/Pepperidge Farm is launching two new plant-based flavors of Goldfish snack crackers, Sweet Carrot and Cheesy Tomato. If you don’t like the new Goldfish, you can always flush them down the toilet.

A man and his pet opossum were kicked off a Jet Blue flight after the man released the animal from its carrier. It took a half hour because the passenger and the opossum both played dead.

New Hampshire enacted a Bring Your Baby To Work law, allowing state employees with infants between six weeks and six months old to bring them to work; just in time for winter, when state snowplow drivers need someone else to take the wheel for breaks.

A couple married for 70 years died minutes apart in Michigan. She passed away, then he decided he couldn’t eat his own cooking.

Indiana state troopers arrested a car thief driving a stolen Toyota with a fake license plate he’d drawn in crayon on a brown paper grocery bag. They requested his license & registration, and he asked for a moment while he got out his crayons and paper bag.

5,700-year-old chewing gum made from birch pitch was unearthed in Denmark, and scientists could retrieve the human genome and food particles from it. It was so well-preserved because it was wrapped in a Bazooka Cro-Magnon Joe comic.

A Florida man surrendered to police, admitting that he masturbated on to a woman in a Walmart toy aisle. Asked why he did it, the man said because the housewares section was pretty dead.

Following a Wall Street Journal exposé, Amazon updated its sellers policy to prohibit them from offering items found in the trash. Amazon said if you want to buy garbage, there’s always Goodwill and Five Below.

Police searching a 75-year-old Utah woman’s home after her death found the body of her husband in a freezer, along with a notarized letter stating that she didn’t kill him. Authorities believe she hid the body to collect his Social Security and Army benefits, and in case she ran out of steaks.

Puerto Rico announced their intent to defy a U.S. ban and continue legalized cockfighting. They say the ban was put in place after construction was near completion on the 15,000 seat Frank Perdue Cockfighting Arena.



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