Friday Jokes: December 27th

The FDA approved Ubrelvy,  the first-of-its-kind drug that promises immediate symptom relief for migraines. Unfortunately, it doesn’t also put her in the mood.

A foreclosed 10-bedroom mansion in Auburn, New York was being offered by the city for just $50,000. However, buyers had to submit a full restoration plan as part of the purchase. The city started evaluating bids by eliminating restoration plans that started with dynamite.

Tesla will start delivery of its first Model 3 electric cars made in China. So far the number one requested option is removal of the large Made in China sticker on the trunk.

Thousands of unsold cut Christmas trees are repurposed after the holidays, used on beaches to limit sand erosion and eaten by goats or other livestock. One problem, however, is keeping the tree-eating livestock from being swept to sea at high tide.

The FDA officially raised the minimum age to buy tobacco products from 18 to 21. The shift has already caused one 19-year-old to lose his job as the Young Marlboro Man.

Nike’s Colin Kaepernick ‘True to 7’ sneaker sold out within minutes of being listed for sale in the Nike app. The shoes are expected to become sought-after collector’s items, or the official footwear of people who can’t get a job.

January’s Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas is expected to be a huge showcase for the Google Assistant. Google will showcase the utility of the Assistant in Las Vegas, as thousands of visitors ask “Hey Google, where can I get drugs and hookers?”

Russia is reportedly in the final stages of building its own self-contained Internet. They plan to test its effectiveness by seeing how well it can screw up local elections.

A woman traveling with an abusive man was aided by McDonald’s employees after she mouthed “help me” at the drive-thru window, alerting police who arrested him. The restaurant manager said they see several drive-thru customers say “help me” every day, but that they’re usually heart attacks or strokes.

Kylie Jenner was slammed on social media for giving her one-year-old daughter Stormi a diamond ring for Christmas, then posting a photo of her wearing it. She deleted that photo, and posted a different photo of the family looking for the ring after Stormi ate it.

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