Friday Jokes: January 3rd

Hershey’s Chocolate is retiring their ‘Kissmobiles’, large motorized vehicles in the shape of wrapped Hershey’s Kisses. They say the 20-year-old vehicles are in disrepair because they keep melting on hot days.

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio blasted Domino’s for selling $30 pizzas to New Year’s Eve revelers in Times Square. Event sponsor Planet Fitness echoed his sentiment, saying if people wanted, they could join for 20 cents and get pizza for free.

Ricki Lake shaved her head after revealing her nearly 30-year-struggle with hair loss. She’s now ready to begin struggling with hair growth.

A Florida jury awarded $4 million to a Disney Cruise worker struck by a car while off the ship in a port-of-call, saying she received inadequate medical care from ship doctors. The doctors argued that they couldn’t treat her properly because she would only quack.

Greyhound Bus Lines is offering free tickets to runaways seeking to reunite with their families. To qualify, the rider must call a runaway hotline, be between 12 and 21 years old, and decide that a Greyhound bus ride is somehow better than life on the street.

The National Hockey League fined Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella $20,000 for a postgame rant about officiating following a loss. Tortorella could have just punched a referee instead and gotten a five-minute timeout.

A new Gallup poll of Americans named Michelle Obama the “most admired woman” of 2019.  Respondents were asked to name a woman they admired, and after men replied with the name of a porn star or Instagram model, they were told ‘not like that’.

The Mediterranean diet was named the best diet by U.S. News and World Report. The popular Keto diet ranked next-to-last, but only because someone entered The Taco Bell Diet.

A 58-year-old man missing in the Grand Canyon for 11 days was found alive. Search crews resumed efforts trying to find him after initially waiting to see if Santa Claus could do it.

Consumer advocates advise people not to abbreviate 2020 as 20 on paper checks and legal documents, claiming that doing so makes the digits easily changeable and subject to fraud. The same advocates also advise people writing paper checks to learn how to use a goddamned computer.


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