By |

A blast from the undersea volcano Hunga Tonga-Hunga Ha’apai dispersed enough gas & vapor to warm the earth for several months. Environmental scientists equated the impact to the entire world eating a Cheesy Beef Gordita Supreme.

James Earl Jones retired from voicing Darth Vader. Going forward, Darth Vader will become the first evil Imperial Lord of the Sith to communicate using American Sign Language.

Grateful Dead spinoff group Dead & Co announced the Summer 2023 tour will be their last. After that they’ll just be Dead.

Sir Elton John performed on the South Lawn of The White House on Friday, then was “flabbergasted” by President Biden presenting him the National Humanities Medal. Elton was already flabbergasted by Biden singing all the words to ‘The Bitch Is Back’.

Tyler Perry responded to criticism from other black leaders – including Spike Lee – that his Madea character perpetuates negative black stereotypes. ‘Madea Halloween III: Madea Addresses Negative Black Stereotypes‘ opens Friday.

Rihanna will headline the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Her partner & baby daddy A$AP Rocky awaits trial on assault with a deadly weapon, and hopes to avoid being named headliner of the Prison Recreation Yard Talent Show.

A Tik Tok influencer shared the story of having sex with the Best Man at her father’s wedding. Or, as she called it, the Sugar Daddy/Daughter Dance.

A new study by New Mexico researchers links penis size to personality, stating men with larger penises are ‘more outgoing’. The researchers shared their findings after watching movies where men with large penises had little trouble meeting, and interacting with, women with large breasts.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis gave an update on preparations for the arrival of Hurricane Ian. He’s working with storm chasers to see if he can fly it to the coast of Massachusetts.

Comedian Rob O’Reilly was fired by Carnival Cruises for using the N-word during his performances on the ship. Passengers said his racist language was the third or fourth thing on their cruise that made them sick.

By |

Reddit introduced comment searching, making it quicker to find your favorite examples of racism, sexism & right-wing extremism.

Cardi B & husband Offset revealed the name of their newborn son, Wave. They also shared the baby’s first photos – Wave to the camera.

Ramiro Alanis of Florida saw ‘Spider Man: No Way Home’ in theatres 292 times between December, 2021 and March, 2022, breaking the world record for single viewings of a film. Alanis spent $3,400 on tickets, and $43,000 removing a popcorn blockage in his colon.

Bird experts advise temporarily taking down bird feeders and bird baths to slow the spread of Bird Flu. They also say you shouldn’t put Nyquil in hummingbird feeders.

200 birds died of Bird Flu at a Chicago-area forest preserve. Officials say this is the first time they’ve seen this many dead creatures in Chicago without bullet holes.

The United States and United Kingdom are each investigating mysterious cases of hepatitis in children as early as 1-year-old. They say finding the root cause is challenging because they’re too young to have eaten at Taco Bell.

A$AP Rocky is denying rumors that he cheated on, and split from, pregnant partner Rihanna. He said the press obviously has him confused with his cousin A$AP Horny.

A Chinese race car driver on a frozen lake drifted for 3.87 miles, breaking the world record for longest continuous drift. Meanwhile, in a spring snowstorm in Winnipeg, Canada, a different Chinese driver drifted for three blocks and broke the world record for hitting parked cars.

High end kitchenware retailer Sur La Table launched their first-ever furniture line, Sur La Overpriced Chairs.

An Elizabeth, New Jersey man was arrested and charged for running over a woman several times with his SUV. An official with the New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles called it “the worst driver’s test parallel parking I’ve ever seen”.

By |

Northern Ireland outlawed smoking in cars with children on board. Irish toddlers are now wondering what to do with their free hand while drinking a sippy cup of Guinness.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is shown having difficulty descending a flight of stairs in government propaganda film ‘The Great Year of Victory, 2021‘. Kim’s next movie role will be in ‘The Execution Of The Guy Who Used To Make The Propaganda Films’.

Economists are issuing warnings as the U.S. national debt hit $30 trillion for the first time. President Biden is screening calls from a Chinese guy who called his January envelope “a little light”.

The entire U.S. federal prison system was placed on lockdown after a gang altercation at a Texas prison resulted in two inmate deaths. Visitors were advised to go home, remove the contraband from their rectums, and try to smuggle it in again next week.

Active shooter emergencies were declared Tuesday at a Minnesota high school and a Virginia college. Everything is cool at nursery schools and kindergartens.

Some of the Trump White House documents turned over to the January 6th Committee had been ripped up by Trump, including Oval Office memos, meeting agendas, and incorrect TV Guide Crossword Puzzles.

People are brushing their teeth less during the pandemic, according to a new study of workers taking afternoon Zoom calls with lunch stuck in their teeth.

6,000 people were ordered to evacuate a one-mile radius around a burning North Carolina fertilizer plant, for fear of a devastating ammonium nitrate explosion. Officials haven’t been this concerned about damage from exploding crap since Taco Bell introduced the Double Chalupa.

Netflix announced it’s raising prices to $19.99/month. “Amateurs” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

NASA plans to retire the International Space Station before 2031 by crashing it into the Pacific Ocean. They’ll defray the operating cost starting in 2026 by renting it out on AirlessBNB.

By |

Chicago & Philadelphia are Numbers 1 & 2 on pest control company Orkin’s ‘Worst Bed Bug Cities’ list. Orkin workers say bed bug treatments are worst in those cities because the bed bugs are armed.

DoorDash will deliver Girl Scout Cookies. But go get your own goddamn pizza and Chinese food, say Girl Scouts.

Donald Trump abruptly ended an interview with NPR after being confronted about his lies regarding election fraud. The interviewer accepted some of the blame, saying he shouldn’t have booked the talk so close to the start of ‘Justice with Judge Jeanine’.

Friends say Pete Davidson is “bringing out the best” in Kim Kardashian. She’s also “hiding the worst” since her four kids aren’t around when they get together.

Several East Coast cities in the grip of a cold snap cancelled outdoor COVID testing events, for fear that those waiting in line could suffer from exposure, and because the swabs kept getting stuck in people’s noses.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson apologized for attending a “bring your own booze” party during the COVID lockdown. He also apologized for showing up to the party with Coors Light.

North Korea is in the midst of a fertilizer shortage, and is pleading with citizens to make more manure. In other news, North Korea is opening its first Taco Bell.

A man entered the cockpit of an American Airlines jet pre-flight and damaged instruments before being arrested. He now holds the distinguished title of being the first person duct-taped into the Captain’s Chair.

Bank of America is reducing its overdraft fees, and eliminating insufficient funds penalties for bounced checks. However, the fee for Bank of America customers using an out-of-network ATM increases to $500 per transaction.

The U.S. Mint announced the first-ever American Women Quarters Program, where images of women appear on 25-cent pieces. When you turn the quarter upside-down, their clothes come off.

By |

Scientists have identified cases of ‘flurona’ – the seasonal flu combined with coronavirus. In one rare case a flurona patient was bitten by a deer tick, giving them Flurona with Lyme.

A new study claims ‘celebrity-obsessed’ people are less intelligent. Study findings are disputed by the Beverly Hills MENSA chapter, who start meetings at 8p so they don’t miss TMZ.

Taco Bell is selling a $10 monthly subscription service where you get one taco a day. For $20 they’ll bring the tacos to you at Planet Fitness.

Pope Francis said couples who don’t have children and adopt pets instead are selfish and harming humanity. That, and priests don’t derive as much enjoyment out of molesting dogs & cats.

An Amazon warehouse worker urged customers not to buy beverages for home shipping, because their weight and shape damage the machines. The machines, in this case, meaning warehouse workers.

After admitting to cheating on ex Khloe Kardashian, Tristan Thompson sent 100 roses to True Thompson, his toddler daughter with her – one for every pending paternity test for which he’s awaiting results.

Two Texas researchers developed an inexpensive COVID vaccine that they believe will solve the dilemma of raising vaccine rates in uneducated, impoverished third-world areas like remote areas of Asia, Africa , and…most of Texas.

Viral video shows a fistfight at Disney’s Hollywood Studios park in the line for the Toy Story Mania ride, where a guest was punched to infinity and beyond.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson vacationed in the Bahamas, while Kanye West went to dinner with new girlfriend Julia Fox in Miami, as their four children continue to enjoy plenty of free time wherever the hell they are.

BMW debuted a 31-inch theater screen, window dimming & surround sound for backseat passengers in its luxury vehicles. The feature is activated when any backseat passenger says the activaton phrase “are we there yet?”

By |

Skytrax, an airline review group, named Qatar Airways the World’s Best Airline, and Delta Air Lines the Best North American Airline. American Airlines and Frontier received special recognition for Most Creative Use Of Duct Tape.

A Florida woman was arrested after being found nude and “pleasuring herself” in the back seat of a Jeep at an auto dealership. “I’ll take it!” said a customer following his overnight test drive.

Homeland Security chief Alejandro Mayorkas said that 1 in 5 illegal immigrants of the thousands gathered at the Del Rio, Texas border are now ill – a mix of COVID-19, and complications from food donated by local Taco Bell restaurants.

The Philadelphia Flower Show, which was held outdoors in 2021 for the first time due to the pandemic, will be held outdoors again in mid-June, 2022. This year’s theme will be Resuscitating Senior Citizens Experiencing Heat Stroke.

R. Kelly was convicted on all counts of racketeering and sex trafficking. He awaits sentencing and is much less convinced in his belief that he can fly.

French President Emanuel Macron was struck by an egg thrown at him while he attended a food fair. Macron is fine, and happy that the egg was used for something original and not put on a hamburger.

Alexandra Souveneva, 30, is charged with starting one of the large California wildfires, the Fawn Fire. Souveneva was reportedly “hiking to Canada” and started the fire to boil water. Souveneva’s attorney said she’s not good at judging distances or cooking.

Former UFC champion Ronda Rousey welcomed a daughter, her first child with husband Travis Browne. Rousey shared an Instagram snap of the child breastfeeding, then she switched to her right breast because her left had tapped out.

The parents of Brian Laundrie – wanted in the murder of Gabby Petito – called the cops when Dog The Bounty Hunter showed up on their lawn. The Laundries told police they’ve had stray dogs on their property, but that this one is the mangiest.

A Chinese man died of liver failure after he chugged 1.5 liters of Coca-Cola in 10 minutes. In addition to liver trauma, an autopsy revealed his throat suffered severe burns from the minute-long belch before he died.

By |

The latest winner of the James Dyson Award for innovation converted rotting and expired crops into renewable energy. The runner up converted rotting and expired crops into Taco Bell menu items.

Scientists testing 75 sunscreens found they all contained a cancer-causing chemical: Diet Coke.

Fitbit is introducing snoring & noise detection to its sleep tracking metrics, and will also count the steps once you’re kicked out of bed and walk to the couch.

Bill Cosby was denied parole because he refuses ongoing therapy for sexual predators. That, and he tried putting Tylenol PM in the therapist’s tea.

Some Nest Learning Thermostats are reportedly shutting off air conditioning units after their latest software update. The update, version 6.1.1-2, was code-named “Yeah? Well it’s STILL too damn cold in here.”

An alligator was spotted in the Susquehanna River in northern Pennsylvania. The alligator is described as being 3 to 4 feet long, and extremely lonely.

Studies of Mediterranean ants show the worker ants will carry their queen to far-away nests to mate, as a way of avoiding inbreeding. Conversely, Mississippi ants are fine with inbreeding, since the kids are only going to do manual labor anyway.

Kroger will give away $5 million to people getting COVID-19 vaccinations at their stores. The winners funds will be loaded on to a shoppers club card that’s paired with the microchip in the vaccine.

The COVID-19 virus variant originally found in India has been identified in Oregon. The Indian buffet also offers five other variants.

Kim Kardashian blamed flunking the ‘baby bar’ exam on COVID-19 – which, coincidentally, was her score on the 800-point test.

By |

Police in the Philadelphia suburbs found a handgun in a substitute teacher’s car. He said he needs it to keep students from talking during the health class movie.

Quincy College’s commencement speaker, tech CEO Rob Hale, told 400 graduates that each would receive $1,000 – $500 to keep, and $500 to donate. The Quincy College post-commencement rager received $200,000 in donations toward drugs and alcohol.

A man donating fecal bacteria to his wife was informed he had “perfect poop” and could make $15,000/year selling it. Then he celebrated the good news with dinner at Taco Bell and lost $15,000/year in potential income.

Drake’s 3-year-old son burst into tears when they went on stage at the Billboard Music Awards to accept Artist Of The Decade honors – since even the toddler thought it should be Taylor Swift or Beyonce.

Justin Bieber debuted a new buzz cut, losing his controversial white-guy dreadlocks. No word on whether he donated the hair, although he was rumored to get an offer for it from the frontman of a Counting Crows tribute band.

Kevin Spacey will portray a police detective in a new film from Italian director Franco Nero, Apacey’s first role since sexual assault allegations emerged in 2017. Spacey is excited to play a police detective instead of playing a private dick.

80 Florida high school students had their yearbook photos modified without their knowledge to cover up exposed shoulders and cleavage. The students are outraged, saying they need the original photos to get interviews at Hooters.

Samoa was thrown into a constitutional crisis after a woman, Fiame Naomi Mata’afa, was elected Prime Minister, but the incumbent had her locked out of Parliament, saying he needed Samoa time to investigate the election.

25 U.S. states have fully-vaccinated 50% of residents against COVID-19. The rest are either opposed to the vaccine, or waiting for COVID vaccine lottery jackpots to get bigger.

Damiano David, frontman for glam-rockers Maneskin, agreed to take a drug test after his band won the Eurovision 2021 international song competition. Eurovision judges said the last thing they need is to have rock bands associated with illegal drug use.

By |

The CEOs of Google, Twitter & Facebook all testified before Congress about online misinformation Thursday – but only after members of Congress agreed to accept cookies.

A new study claims COVID-19 vaccines are safe for pregnant women. Now they just need to figure out how to get fetuses to wear masks in the womb.

New England Patriots offensive lineman Justin Herron is being hailed for his heroism stopping a 30-year-old man from assaulting a 71-year-old woman in a Phoenix park. Said Herron, “if there’s one thing I know, it’s holding”.

Dyson’s newest vacuum cleaners are equipped with lasers – creating confusing, mixed emotions in homes with cats.

A former Girl Scout troop leader in Ohio was charged with stealing $12,500 from cookie sales. She stole some money, then she stole S’more. (Story h/t to AJF!)

‘Justice League – the Snyder Cut’ had fewer opening-weekend streams than ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ on HBO Max, but had just as many nerds letting everyone know they thought it sucked.

The Philadelphia Zoo debuted its animatronic dinosaur exhibit. Kids have already punched the dinosaurs for refusing to eat pieces of soft pretzels they toss.

Elton John turned 74. His hair turned 10.

Expert tasters on Earth evaluated wine that was aged for a year on the International Space Station. They said it needed to age a few more years in the ISS toilet.

Researchers now believe COVID-19 can also be ‘swallowed’ in to the body if a person’s saliva is infected. They made this conclusion after testing multiple subjects who ate Taco Bell’s new Coronavirus Crunch Chalupa.

By |

A Pennsylvania plumber drove 22 hours to help Texas families in crisis after the recent deep freeze. Taking his cue from local gas & electric utilities, he’s fixing burst pipes for $20,000 each.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato head will become gender neutral, and asked to be called Them Potatoes.

Twitter announced its new Super Followers feature, allowing users to charge followers for “premium” tweet content. They’re also testing Super Blockers, where users pay to never see content from terrible comedians or politicians ever again.

Los Angeles Police are investigating the possibility that Lady Gaga’s kidnapped dogs were targeted in a ransom plot. They’re seeking to question her neighbor’s cat, who is so far refusing to cooperate.

Tiger Woods was transferred from UCLA Harbor Medical Center to Cedars-Sinai, where he will continue treatment and therapy under the supervision of younger, hotter nurses.

‘Harry Potter’ star Emma Watson is reportedly giving up acting. Kristen Stewart, currently filming a Princess Diana biopic, is also giving up acting, but continuing to work in movies.

Best Buy laid off 5,000 workers, but is hiring additional part-time workers once they complete training to respond to customer’s questions with “I don’t know”.

Birkenstock was sold to a private firm co-owned by Europe’s richest man, who enjoys seeing hipsters’ gross feet.

Meat substitute company Beyond Meat has struck deals with McDonald’s and Taco Bell. They’ll supply McDonald’s new McPlant burger, and Taco Bell with a to-be-determined source of diarrhea.

A Los Angeles area man was reunited with his lost cat, who had disappeared 15 years earlier. The man fed the cat, and then it left him again.