Tuesday Jokes: March 31st

A Seattle-area man was arrested for letting his pit bull drive his 1996 Buick over 100mph.  The pit bull was also arrested for driving with a suspended license. 

North Dakota GOP Senator Kevin Kramer apologized for a tweet calling House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “retarded” – but said ‘retarded’ was autocorrected from ‘ridiculous’. Just like the time he typed ‘Pepboys’ into his web browser and ended up at Pornhub.

A survey released by the Pew Research Center showed 9 in 10 Americans believe that current COVID-19 related restrictions are necessary. 1 in 10 still aren’t aware that Mardi Gras is over. 

New York’s Attorney General is investigating group chat app Zoom, citing security and data privacy problems, after several teenagers complained video of their naked genitals shown when they hacked into work conference calls turned up elsewhere online. 

‘The Office’ and ‘Jack Ryan’ actor John Krasinski launched a YouTube channel dedicated to “good news”. The good news is, you don’t have to watch it. 

Keanon Lowe, an Oregon teacher & football coach who talked a student out of self-harm with a shotgun – then hugged him – will receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. Best of all, said GOP Congressmen, he gets to keep the gun. 

CNN’s Chris Cuomo tested positive for coronavirus. Liberal-minded news viewers are warned to stay six feet away from their TVs. 

Idaho will no longer allow transgender women to play on girl’s athletic teams. State officials are debating what to do about voiding the single-season record for softball home runs, set last year at 75. 

A shelter-in-place order was issued for south Florida’s Lauderdale County – meaning all 10,000 people on the beach must move beneath their umbrella. 

A neurosurgeon who separated conjoined twins has passed away from COVID-19 complications. For their part, the twins are planning a tribute, once they put their heads together. 


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