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Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.

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Elon Musk confirmed that some monkeys died while testing his Neuralink brain-implant chips. Although the monkey’s surviving mates believe they were murdered because the chips made them smarter than Elon Musk.

Joe Biden is expected to nominate Ketanji Brown Jackson as the first black woman Supreme Court justice. Jackson, in turn, is expected to nominate Biden as the first old white dude at her cookout.

Dancing With The Stars professional Cheryl Burke filed for divorce from husband Matthew Lawrence, citing irreconcilable differences, and the two being out-of-step.

Aaron Rodgers was seen with Shailene Woodley. Though no longer engaged, the two remain Friends With Huddles.

India banned 54 Chinese smartphone apps over security concerns, including TikTok. Indian officials say if citizens want to watch housewives sing and dance, they can watch Bollywood movies.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle say they stand with the people of Ukraine…in the backyard of their California mansion.

John Mayer tested positive for COVID-19. Several groupies have bodies that are a wonderland, but can’t taste or smell.

New strains of bird flu have been detected in the U.S., reinforcing the misguided beliefs of Southern U.S. COVID deniers who say vaccines & masks are “for the birds”.

Hank The Tank, a 500-pound black bear blamed for dozens of home break-ins in the California mountains, may not be at fault based on DNA evidence collected by wildlife officials, and by raccoons who have been granted immunity for their testimony.

The View’s Joy Behar said on the show she’s worried the Russian invasion of Ukraine might impact her Italian vacation. Whoopi Goldberg then tagged Behar on her way out of suspension, as Behar tags in.

Sharon Osbourne, who was fired from her own daytime show, The Talk, said she would never go back because producing network CBS “sucks big-time d**k”. She was accompanied by husband Ozzy, who’s now interested in CBS.

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Researchers at the University of Cambridge found face masks made from pantyhose to be highly effective in the prevention of COVID-19. The study noted the low incidence of COVID infections in bank robbers and perverts.

Mayor Craig Shubert of Hudson, Ohio resigned a week after a meeting in which he said allowing ice fishing in the town “could lead to prostitution”. Ironically, following his resignation, three prostitutes drowned while working glory holes beneath the lake.

15-year-old Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva will be allowed to compete in remaining women’s Olympic events despite testing positive for a banned substance, and also testing positive for testicles.

Mazars USA, accounting firm for the Trump Organization, recanted the accuracy of statements they prepared for the last decade, saying they “should no longer be relied upon”, after auditors reviewed an inventory of Trump assets and only saw the word “lots”.

The Catholic Church invalidated baptisms performed by a Phoenix priest for twenty years because the priest used “we” instead of “I” during the ceremonies. “What?! Those boys I molested WEREN’T baptized?” said other Phoenix-area priests.

New York City fired 1,430 municipal workers for failure to comply with a vaccine mandate. Then they immediately posted hiring notices for 1,430 new employees to watch other people do work.

An AirAsia flight between Malaysian cities was rerouted after passengers saw a snake on board the plane. They decided to land the plane after flight attendants repeatedly tried, and failed, to duct tape it to a seat.

Virgin Galactic started accepting $150,000 deposits for space tourism flights. Although it costs an extra $75,000 for a window seat.

Khloe Kardashian revealed that Pete Davidson sent her flowers for Valentine’s Day. The card read “don’t tell your sister about Friday night”.

A bird flu outbreak at a Tyson chicken farm in Kentucky means that 240,000 birds may be killed. They’d be killed anyway, but they’ll be moved from the ‘grocery store’ group to the ‘McNuggets’ group.

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A New York man has a record-breaking 864 tattoos of insects on his body. “Is that a mosquito between your legs or is now just a bad time?” asked a prospective sex partner.

The FAA can levy a $30,000 fine and confiscate the drone of anyone flying theirs within 34 miles of SoFi Stadium around the Super Bowl. A 12-year-old L.A. boy who just wants to see the girl next door naked is expected to ask his parents for $30,399.

Argentinians are being urged to throw out cocaine after opioid-tainted batches killed 23 and put another 80 people in intensive care. The product has been pulled off the shelves of all Argentina Big Lots.

Jackass Forever premiered in theaters on Friday, and is also being considered as the slogan for a Donald Trump candidacy in 2024.

Amazon Prime is raising its price to $139, citing higher costs of shipping & Prime Video programming, and also the money it’s thinking of paying to Joe Rogan’s brother Moe Rogan to start a podcast.

Tesla recalled more than 800,000 vehicles to fix an issue with its “full self driving” software, and is also doing body work on the ones that crashed into telephone poles driving themselves in to the dealership.

COVID-19 cases are now trending downward in every U.S. state except for one. “We’ll get there!” said Alabama Governor Kay Ivey as she rode her donkey into work.

Kohl’s department store board of directors are attempting to fend off a hostile takeover from an activist investor group. It’s believed to the first time anyone’s attempted to acquire a publicly traded company with coupons.

Billionaires want to build “mixed use business parks” in low-earth orbit. And you think your commute is terrible now..

Netflix plans to release over 70 movies in 2022, including Knives Out 2, Enola Holmes 2, Pinocchio, and the rest are Adam Sandler movies.

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The Bidens adopted a two-year-old cat, Willow. It’s the first pussy in the White House in five years that hasn’t had to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

A bridge in a Pittsburgh park collapsed just prior to a visit from President Biden to discuss repairs to infrastructure. Joe Manchin & Kirsten Sinema aren’t sure the bridge needs fixing.

Two Philadelphia 76ers fans were ejected frrom the team’s game against the Los Angeles Lakers for repeatedly yelling the taunt “boy” at Lakers Carmelo Anthony. They’ll be entered into a diversion program and taught to throw batteries.

A couple was arrested and charged with using fake vaccine cards to attend the Buffalo Bills home playoff game against the New England Patriots. It’s the first time that someone faked credentials in order to contract frostbite.

Minnie Mouse is trading in her dress for a Stella McCartney pantsuit. “I’ve been asking for pants for almost a hundred f**kin’ years!” said a furious Donald Duck.

A study suggests four factors influence the likelihood someone will have long-term effects of COVID-19, including viral load, diabetes, existing antibodies, and failure to follow through on doing their own research.

Apple announced it has over 1.8 billion active devices, and about 11 billion in drawers with broken screens.

Octomom’s eight children turned 13, and each received a fire extinguisher to put out 104 birthday candles.

Investment website Robinhood reported disastrous earnings and an erosion of its user base. It plans to correct the course by robbing rich customers and giving the money to itself.

Pennsylvania’s state-owned liquor authority opened a free lottery where winners can buy rare Pappy van Winkle whiskeys for prices of $299-$399 per bottle. They’ll also continue to sell regular $10/bottle whiskey that makes regular people feel like they just won a lottery.

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Kansas State Wildcats center Ayoka Lee scored 61 points in their 94-65 win over Oklahoma, breaking an NCAA women’s basketball scoring record previously shared by two other people you’ve never heard of.

A Michigan woman who bought a lottery ticket online found a notification that she’d won $3 million in her email spam folder. She’s now engaged to a Nigerian prince she met via the next email in her spam folder.

Sarah Palin tested positive for COVID-19 just before her defamation trial against the New York Times was to begin. Palin, who is unvacccinated, may opt to get Russia’s Sputnik vaccine since she believes a clinic is very close to her house.

A&E Network will release ‘Secrets of Playboy‘, a docuseries about alleged abusive behavior of Hugh Hefner. It’s 10 episodes long, although most men will skip to the three in the center.

A man stowed away in the wheel well of a jet survived an 11-hour flight from South Africa to Amsterdam. The airline explained he was several frequent flyer miles short of an upgrade.

Bucks County, Pennsylvania passed laws limiting the hours of massage parlors, and making it illegal for customers or employees to expose their genitals. So far, 75 divorced guys have applied to be County Enforcement Officer.

A couple in Tamil Nadu, India – where in-person gatherings are limited – will have their reception in the Metaverse, so 2,000 avatars can attend, including one representing the groom’s deceased father, who’s expected to complain his son didn’t marry a different woman he’d picked out.

Actor James Snyder was fired from his Broadway role portraying Harry Potter, after repeatedly asking a female co-star for a Hufflepuff.

AT&T launched 5-gigabyte-per-second Internet service in Los Angeles, leading blond actors & comics to immediately sign up, thinking they’ve landed five gigs.

100 lab monkeys escaped after their vehicle crashed into a dump truck on a Pennsylvania highway. They were all eventually recaptured, and a professor will soon publish his research paper on why it’s a bad idea to let a monkey drive an 18-wheeler.

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A U.S. man claims a bout with COVID shrunk his penis by one-and-a-half inches. His girlfriend believes he may be Patient Zero since it was that size when she met him four years ago.

Google changed the ‘white noise’ played on its Google Nest home speakers, leading to lots of disgruntled noise, mostly from white people.

Internet service in Tonga was interrupted by a tsunami, which locals named ‘Xfinity’.

In the wake of a hostage situation at a Texas synagogue, the FBI warned that faith-based organizations will continue to be targets of violence. “Well, that settles it, I’m done with church” said kids playing video games on Sunday morning.

Supermodel Bella Hadid opened up about her debilitating mental health struggles, which include figuring out how to download Instagram off of the App Store.

Employees at fitness company Peloton say that a sales slowdown and cost-cutting are driving down morale to an all-time low, despite spandex-clad managers yelling “Come on Peloton! You can do it!” dozens of times each day.

Full House actress Jodie Sweetin is getting married for the fourth time. To save money on postage she just handed out the invitations at Bob Saget’s funeral.

Doctors have identified a genetic risk factor for COVID patients who lose their taste & smell – specifically, inheriting the genes of idiot parents who also didn’t want vaccines.

The hedge fund which owns 5% of Kohl’s department store is demanding changes to the executive team and board of directors. The executives regret allowing the hedge fund to accumulate so much Kohl’s Cash.

Hamsters are being euthanized in Hong Kong over COVID fears. The hamsters are attempting to run but aren’t getting further than tubes and large wheels.

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A Des Moines, Iowa mailman rescued an elderly woman who’d fallen in the snow in sub-zero temperatures but couldn’t stand. He helped her to her feet, then slid her through the door of the wrong house.

Police arrested a truck driver for luring what he thought was a 15-year-old girl to a rented shower at a Flying J truck stop in Altoona, Iowa. He’d actually been communicating with undercover cops, who let him finish his shower because he really needed it.

A prominent Alabama anti-vaxxer, Christopher Key, urged followers to drink their own urine to cure or prevent COVID-19. He published his findings next to a coupon for raspberry Crystal Light.

Retired porn actress Jenna Jameson was diagnosed with Guillain-Barre syndrome, a rare, but curable, neurological condition, after she was unable to walk. Jameson said she hasn’t felt this way since just about every movie she ever made.

The City of Chicago reached a deal with its public school teachers union for safety rules that will allow in-person learning. The rules include expanded COVID testing and limiting handgun use to recess.

A genetically altered pig heart was transplanted to a human recipient. The patient is stable, but changed his post-mortem directive from “cremated” to “smoked”.

A bride in Australia video-recorded her efforts to contract COVID so her February 5th wedding would go on as planned. Her fiance questioned why she needed so many different guys to catch the virus.

Four people died of Hepatitis A after eating at Famous Anthony’s restaurants, a small chain in Virginia. They plan an aggressive relaunch as Infamous Anthony’s.

NASA said space debris will definitely slam into the James Webb Space Telescope – mostly Solo cups and spoiled guacamole after the International Space Station’s Super Bowl party.

Actress Tori Spelling took to Instagram to announce “every single member” of her family tested positive, with varying degrees of symptoms, of COVID-90210.

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A scientist in Cyprus claims to have identified a ‘DeltaCron’ variant of COVID-19, combining Delta & Omicron traits. It has Omicron’s spike proteins and Delta’s blue eyes.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania bowling alley manager was assaulted by customers. The assailants struck the manager 12 straight times, recording a perfect game before fleeing.

NBC Today show anchors Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb both tested positive for COVID-19, as Al Roker asked viewers what variant they were sick with in their neck of the woods.

Take Two Interactive, maker of the Grand Theft Auto videogames, is acquiring Zynga, maker of Farmville mobile video games, for $12.7 billion. They plan to launch Grand Theft Tractor, and bring more drug dealers and prostitutes to the farm.

Demi Lovato debuted a new spider tattoo on the side of their shaved head, writing with the photo that the “grandmother spider.. taught us about poetry and weaving..fire, light and dark”. Doctors are checking to see how much of the ink leeched into her brain.

Four NFL teams fired their head coaches, and each team will begin their search by interviewing the three fired guys who didn’t work for them.

NFL insiders call the day head coaches get fired Black Monday – as opposed to the day new coaches get hired, Caucasian Weekday.

An Arizona software company offers new hires $5,000 if they decide they don’t like the company and want to quit after two weeks. Most workers stay, but the company is trying to do a better job screening crackheads who can code.

Citing poor earnings amidst the pandemic, Lululemon share prices dropped faster than their yoga pants in a porno movie.

PayPal is exploring its own cryptocurrency, which you can use to confuse your friend who will wonder if you really did pay back that money you owed them.

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Disney Parks announced the reopening of Typhoon Lagoon, a water park that’s been closed for two years. The current wait time for a water slide is two years.

A middle-aged man participating in the Coney Island Polar Plunge on New Years Day suffered a heart attack and had to be dragged from the ocean, where he was given CPR and left in an ambulance. Onlookers called it “the least-sexy Baywatch episode ever”.

Scientists are worried about the spread of COVID-19 from humans to deer, who are contracting it from close contact with the front bumpers of cars.

Congressman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s personal Twitter account was permanently suspended after posting lies about deaths from COVID vaccines. She’s allowed to keep her professional account, because lies from Congress are considered standard.

The January 6th Committee has “firsthand” knowledge of Donald Trump watching the riots on tv and doing nothing – specifically, a recorded call from Trump to Xfinity customer service because Fox News had briefly gone off-air.

Ghislaine Maxwell has reportedly been placed on “suicide watch”. Following the death of Jeffrey Epstein, prison officials increased the detail from two guards to four who won’t do anything about it.

An Australian man protesting the country’s vaccine mandates set himself on fire. He was rescued and listed in critical but stable condition at a nearby hospital, where he added he also was protesting the high price of the gasoline he used.

Police in Amsterdam used riot gear and attack dogs to disperse a crowd gathered to protest public gatherings. Video shows a German Shepherd locking on a protester’s arm, then later locking down on his handler’s arm after he tried to swab the dog’s nose for COVID.

Actress Betty White passed away at age 99. Televised celebrations of her 100th birthday will still go ahead as planned, with other nonagenarian actresses led by Angela Lansbury taking 20 minutes to blow out all the birthday candles.

Inmates at the prison which once housed Bill Cosby still call him several times a week. Most are seeking guidance, others are looking for drink-mixing advice to welcome their new cellmate.