Philadelphia said city students without Internet access can do “remote learning” via wifi in parking lots, leading to a rash of kids stealing cars for school.

The FDA approved the first at-home tests for COVID-19, but there’s still a three-month wait for the at-home chemistry set you need to process it.

During a test run of its virtual NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals first-overall pick was delayed 2 1/2 minutes. The Bengals notified Commissioner Goodell, who said their call was important to him, and please stay on the line for the next available representative.

Georgia’s Governor Brian Kemp advised residents to maintain social distancing, but also reopened hair & nail salons. This followed Georgia Tech’s successful demonstration of six-foot-long scissors.

Upright Citizens Brigade closed its theater and training center in New York. Founders launched the first-ever Don’t Fund Me so performers can continue to not get paid.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy visited the Wildwood shore boardwalk to survey storm damage. He may declare it a disaster area, then return when tourists arrive in summer to declare it an even bigger disaster area.

Still no confirmation from North Korea regarding Kim Jong Un’s condition. At first a  spokesperson said “He’s unwell.” – then corrected themself to say “Un? He’s well.”

Reacting to the pandemic’s effect on people of color, a McDonald’s in Guangzhou, China temporarily banned black customers – then remembered they never had any.

Congress approved $484 billion in aid for small businesses and hospitals, an undisclosed amount of which has already been claimed by Trump 19th Hole Urgent Care.

Online booze sales increased 400% in April, leading to hundreds of UPS driver and mailman DUIs.