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Microsoft laid off hundreds of workers across multiple product departments, including Microsoft Cut From The Teams and Microsoft Bleak Outlook.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair retired from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars after MRIs found too much stress on her bones. Earlier, reality tv hag and ex-convict Teresa Giudice was released from the show after both MRIs & judges discovered two left feet.

Pop-punk band Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus said he tried buying tickets to his own band’s reunion tour but couldn’t, because Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm wouldn’t let him complete the sale. He received an error message stating that he blinked and missed Blink.

Pete Davidson is reportedly texting Kim Kardashian for a “thoughtful reason” – seeing that she’s okay amidst Kanye’s latest meltdowns, and because he ‘thought’ she might still reply with nudes.

A 33-year-old woman hoping to promote women’s contributions to science created over 1,000 Wikipedia biographies for “unknown female scientists”. Not surprisingly, they’re all still unknown.

Etsy is actively selling Jeffrey Dahmer-themed apparel with slogans life ‘Jeff Boyardee’ and ‘Choke Me Like Bundy, Eat Me Like Dahmer’. This creates a conflict because, while the items are tasteless, they’re actually some of the only Etsy merchandise people want to get as gifts.

Drew Barrymore said that she’s “not a person who needs sex”, leading to several male & female interns on her talk show quitting.

The Catholic Church’s Diocese of Chicago asked Rev. Michael Pfleger to resign after another allegation of sexual misconduct surfaced from over 40 years ago. Pfleger said he’d think about it and make a decision after the annual altar boy fall picnic.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan snuck into the on-field tunnel and ran on to the field with the team ahead of their game against the Dallas Cowboys. Players thought he was a Make-A-Wish recipient, but he was even more drunk than most Make-A-Wish kids.

Donald Trump allegedly showed a classified letter from Kim Jong Un to a journalist, setting off an investigation to his handling of documents. Although in Trump’s defense, the journalist wondered why Korean barbecue recipes were classified.

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Russia is “almost certainly” getting weapons from North Korea in support of their invasion of Ukraine. This, according to Ukrainian soldiers who’ve found discarded Russian guns with the price tags still on them from Un’s Sporting Goods.

The NBA suspended Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver for one year and fined him $10 million for workplace misconduct – including using the N-word and making sex jokes. He’ll be required to attend sensitivity training where NBA players teach him to use proper language and respect women.

New York Fashion Week featured runway shows with models and pets wearing matching outfits. Although to prevent fights the shows required both a catwalk and a dogwalk.

Queen Elizabeth’s body arrived at Buckingham Palace to lie in state. She’s been dead for almost a week, so Procter & Gamble will mark the occasion by spraying the area with new Royal Family Febreze.

Actor Ryan Reynolds broadcast his colonoscopy – marking the first time someone’s been further up his ass than Ryan Reynolds himself.

New York Jets Head Coach Robert Saleh said he’s ‘keeping receipts’ of everyone trashing the team after their season-opening loss at home to the Baltimore Ravens. The Jets announced several new hires on their accounting staff to help keep track of thousands of receipts.

A new study finds that one-hour nature walks reduce stress compared to one-hour walks in busy cities. The study results were delayed because city walkers in Chicago & Philadelphia couldn’t complete the full hour without getting shot.

A 19-year-old North Carolina man was arrested for drunk driving after an 18-year-old woman fell out of the golf cart he was operating and died. He was charged with DUI, vehicular manslaughter, and holding up several foursomes behind him.

Wheelchair bound residents at a home for military veterans in Taiwan were given a performance by a stripper, who gave several of them lap dances and gonorrhea.

An exploding package that injured a Northeastern University worker contained a note criticizing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Police are looking for a Facebook user whose People You May Know includes Ted ‘Unabomber’ Kaczynski.

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McDonald’s shut down restaurants in Russia, citing the “needless human suffering” of people eating at McDonald’s in Russia.

A new study links concussions in young people to ongoing mental health issues – proving that parents really are slapping their kids silly.

Charles Entenmann, founder of Entenmanns Bakery, died at age 92. He’ll either be cremated, or baked at 350 degrees until a toothpick comes out clean.

Memphis police say a man disguised himself as a Walmart employee and loaded stolen TVs into accomplice’s vehicles. A store manager knew something was wrong when he saw what appeared to be a Walmart employee actually assisting a customer.

As deaths from COVID approach 1 million in the U.S., some are advocating for a COVID Memorial Day. It would be like the other Memorial Day, but honoring mostly dopes who were scared of needles.

Kohl’s is adding Sephora mini-shops to 75% of its stores, but management warned investors to be patient, saying Sephora can only sell makeup to Kohl’s shopper-moms, not miracles.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un warned of “grave consequences” after senior officials were fired for failing to enforce the nation’s strict COVID prevention guidelines. The officials said they couldn’t handle the surge in COVID-positive residents because they ran out of bullets.

A former Texas “Teacher Of The Year” – fired for showing students a picture of her female fiance – settled a lawsuit with her former school district for $100,000. The kids each received $10,000 because the fiance isn’t very cute.

The U.S. Senate passed a bill overhauling the United States Postal Service – which was then delivered by a Post Office letter carrier to the Lincoln Memorial instead of the House of Representatives.

Uber Eats announced new ‘Group Ordering’ and ‘Bill Splitting’ features, allowing multiple people to stiff the driver on their tip.

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Superhero blockbuster film ‘The Batman‘ will not be released in Russia. Theatre owners there declared a war crime over the studio’s plan to replace it with showings of ‘Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming‘.

Katy Perry walked off the set of American Idol in protest after Lionel Richie passed on sending Aretha Franklin’s granddaughter Grace to the next round of auditions. Instead of Grace getting his R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Richie socked it to her, socked it to her, socked it to her…

The WNBA fined the New York Liberty $500,000 for flying the team on charter aircraft, because all teams aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. Other teams use the league’s official airline, Spirit, and are required to serve drinks in-flight.

100 diplomats walked out of Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s speech to the United Nations in Geneva. They were protesting Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and also heard lunch was ready.

The International Taekwando Federation stripped Vladimir Putin of his black belt following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said this does not affect their planned tag-team appearance at Ruthless Dictator Wrestlemania.

Tiny, autonomous two-wheeled robots made in Mexico will be sent to the Moon to study its surface and gather samples to see if areas can be mined for precious minerals. The robots will be identifiable by their Mexican flags, fuzzy dice and statue of Mary on the dashboard.

Negotiations continue between Major League Baseball owners and the MLB Players Union, with both sides hoping to reach a new working agreement, and avoid anyone actually having to watch USFL games instead.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said there isn’t room in the Republican Party for white supremacists. At least not until midterm election results come in for Mississippi, Alabama, and other southern states.

Hulk Hogan is now officially divorced from his second wife, Jennifer McDonald, who cited Irreconcilable Hulkamania.

A possible case of deer-to-human coronavirus transmission is being investigated in Canada, now that the couple is quarantining after their honeymoon.

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Northern Ireland outlawed smoking in cars with children on board. Irish toddlers are now wondering what to do with their free hand while drinking a sippy cup of Guinness.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is shown having difficulty descending a flight of stairs in government propaganda film ‘The Great Year of Victory, 2021‘. Kim’s next movie role will be in ‘The Execution Of The Guy Who Used To Make The Propaganda Films’.

Economists are issuing warnings as the U.S. national debt hit $30 trillion for the first time. President Biden is screening calls from a Chinese guy who called his January envelope “a little light”.

The entire U.S. federal prison system was placed on lockdown after a gang altercation at a Texas prison resulted in two inmate deaths. Visitors were advised to go home, remove the contraband from their rectums, and try to smuggle it in again next week.

Active shooter emergencies were declared Tuesday at a Minnesota high school and a Virginia college. Everything is cool at nursery schools and kindergartens.

Some of the Trump White House documents turned over to the January 6th Committee had been ripped up by Trump, including Oval Office memos, meeting agendas, and incorrect TV Guide Crossword Puzzles.

People are brushing their teeth less during the pandemic, according to a new study of workers taking afternoon Zoom calls with lunch stuck in their teeth.

6,000 people were ordered to evacuate a one-mile radius around a burning North Carolina fertilizer plant, for fear of a devastating ammonium nitrate explosion. Officials haven’t been this concerned about damage from exploding crap since Taco Bell introduced the Double Chalupa.

Netflix announced it’s raising prices to $19.99/month. “Amateurs” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

NASA plans to retire the International Space Station before 2031 by crashing it into the Pacific Ocean. They’ll defray the operating cost starting in 2026 by renting it out on AirlessBNB.

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Shares of Peloton stock tumbled as the company revealed it’s halting production of exercise bikes & treadmills for several months. However, online classes remain full, as discarded equipment in landfills is a hit with overweight bears & raccoons.

A new report from the World Health Federation claims no amount of alcohol is good for the heart – a study disputed by writers of country songs.

Mars, Incorporated said its animated M&Ms characters will become “more inclusive”. Peanut now identifies as Plain.

A Rhode Island man who faked his own death to flee a rape charge was apprehended in the U.K. He’ll be returned to the U.S. alive, but in a coffin.

The power of Tonga’s volcanic eruption and tsunami may dwarf that of nuclear weapons, according to experts. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he’s successfully designed and tested a volcano.

Instagram is testing paid subscriptions for content, with prices ranging from 99 cents/month to watch Kim Kardashian have sex, to $100/month to keep from seeing anything any Kardashian or Jenner does.

Rocker Meat Loaf passed away. No autopsy is planned, but a funeral home worker discovered he was marked ‘Best by 1/19/22’.

The North Penn School District outside of Philadelphia is investigating a video of a teacher taping a mask to an unruly student’s face. If he’s fired, United and American Airlines each plan to offer him a job as a flight attendant.

New York City’s new mayor received his first paycheck in Bitcoin and Ethereum cryptocurencies. “Hope it works out better for him” said dozens of the city’s panhandlers who’ve been fooled by this payment method.

‘Tiger King’ zoo owner Jeff Lowe is moving his big cat zoo to Mexico after it was banned in the U.S., although he may bring the tigers back to the states occasionally with balloons full of heroin in their rectums.

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Chicago & Philadelphia are Numbers 1 & 2 on pest control company Orkin’s ‘Worst Bed Bug Cities’ list. Orkin workers say bed bug treatments are worst in those cities because the bed bugs are armed.

DoorDash will deliver Girl Scout Cookies. But go get your own goddamn pizza and Chinese food, say Girl Scouts.

Donald Trump abruptly ended an interview with NPR after being confronted about his lies regarding election fraud. The interviewer accepted some of the blame, saying he shouldn’t have booked the talk so close to the start of ‘Justice with Judge Jeanine’.

Friends say Pete Davidson is “bringing out the best” in Kim Kardashian. She’s also “hiding the worst” since her four kids aren’t around when they get together.

Several East Coast cities in the grip of a cold snap cancelled outdoor COVID testing events, for fear that those waiting in line could suffer from exposure, and because the swabs kept getting stuck in people’s noses.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson apologized for attending a “bring your own booze” party during the COVID lockdown. He also apologized for showing up to the party with Coors Light.

North Korea is in the midst of a fertilizer shortage, and is pleading with citizens to make more manure. In other news, North Korea is opening its first Taco Bell.

A man entered the cockpit of an American Airlines jet pre-flight and damaged instruments before being arrested. He now holds the distinguished title of being the first person duct-taped into the Captain’s Chair.

Bank of America is reducing its overdraft fees, and eliminating insufficient funds penalties for bounced checks. However, the fee for Bank of America customers using an out-of-network ATM increases to $500 per transaction.

The U.S. Mint announced the first-ever American Women Quarters Program, where images of women appear on 25-cent pieces. When you turn the quarter upside-down, their clothes come off.

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North Korean leader Kim Jong Un banned leather jackets, to keep citizens from stealing his ‘look’. This is devastating news to the motorcycle-riding former Coolest Guy in North Korea, Han-zie.

Madonna criticized Instagram for removing photos she’d posted where her nipple was visible. Instagram said it wasn’t seeing the nipple that was offensive, it was seeing the bite marks that Dennis Rodman left there.

A webcam model posing nude with an 9mm pistol shot herself in the vagina. She was treated for her injuries and given Plan B, since neither she nor the gun was using protection.

Claudia Lennear, 74, the black woman who supposedly inspired the Rolling Stones’ ‘Brown Sugar‘, said she’s sad the band no longer plays it because of its controversial lyrics. The Stones said they may play an updated song about her, ‘Brown Dust’.

A New Zealand politician rode her bicycle to the hospital while in labor, where she delivered a healthy baby girl an hour later. Her husband gave her the ‘push present’ she asked for, a new bicycle seat.

A woman allegedly breastfed a cat on a Delta Air Lines flight, and refused to stop when confronted by flight attendants. The woman said it was the only way she could get the cat to stop crying.

Jack Dorsey is stepping down as CEO of Twitter, saying he’s had enough of being a leader, now he’ll be a follower.

Panera Bread is redesigning its restaurants to focus on a cozier dining space, improved drive-thrus, and a dedicated area for customers to ponder how it is they just spent $15 on a bowl of soup and half a sandwich.

A fan crowdsurfing at a GWAR concert in L.A. lost his prosthetic leg, but was reunited with it after the band asked for help. Not so lucky were the four people losing real limbs in the mosh pit.

A Guatemalan man survived a three-hour flight from Guatemala City to Miami as a stowaway in the landing gear compartment of an American Airlines jet. He was taken into custody, where he told authorities he didn’t have the $199 it takes to fly in the same spot on Spirit Airlines.

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The FDA ordered stronger warnings to patients receiving breast implants, advising of the risks from possible lymphoma, and further risks from rupture of the implants, bras, t-shirts & sweaters.

The FDA warnings will be printed on boxes containing the implants, because apparently savvy boob shoppers buy them at Big Lots before taking them to a surgeon for installation.

Facebook changed its corporate name to Meta, emphasizing its shift to the Metaverse, an immersive virtual reality where you have hundreds of friends, but only a handful like anything you do there.

A Broward County, Florida school board member organized an elementary school field trip to visit Rosie’s, a famous area gay bar. Outraged parents questioned the trip, before realizing how many of the kids now have offers for after-school server & kitchen jobs.

‘Jenny’, a half-mile long trapping system, removed 63,000 pounds of trash from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch – now it will be recalibrated to remove things other than ThighMasters and old VHS porno movies.

South Korean intelligence services report North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un has lost 20 kilograms, but remains healthy. He’s practicing KETO – Killing Every Treasonous Opponent.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania woman gave birth to a baby boy while in a car on Interstate 476. Labor took around 10 minutes, but would have been even faster if she had EZ Pass.

After a video showing an unknown woman exiting the back of his delivery van went viral, Amazon terminated the driver. He then received an email from the woman estimating his severance package will be delivered in about nine months.

Joe Biden is considering $450,000 payments to families separated at the U.S.’ southern border. But they’ve already rejected dozens of claims from lazy millennials seeking to cash in by walking around El Paso asking where their parents are.

Former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was charged with misdemeanor sexual misconduct. Cuomo will respond to the charges once he meets with and fondles his attorney.

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Internet sleuths speculate fugitive Brian Laundrie is hiding beneath the backyard garden at his parents house, adding he may be dead, but he’s there pushing up daisies and tomatoes.

Huntington Beach, California is set to reopen after a massive oil spill closed the beach and damaged wildlife. Local lawyers purchased billboards saying they’re ready to sue for slip-and-fall injuries on the shore.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un called on officials to improve the living conditions and food availability for citizens, saying North Koreans aren’t even living long enough for him to execute them.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says it’s okay for Americans to trick-or-treat on Halloween, but to exercise caution. Not because of COVID-19, but because it’s a Sunday, and Dads giving out candy are probably drunk after watching football and could fall on children.

Plus-size women slammed ‘Dancing With The Stars’ pro Lindsey Arnold for saying her new athletic wear line is for “all women” -since sizes only go up to Large. Arnold responded to ask XL & larger women what their workouts are, and they never answered.

The creators of mascot Phillie Phanatic settled their lawsuit with the Philadelphia Phillies, who redesigned the Phanatic in 2020 after being declared non-binary, with a chosen pronoun of “it”.

Raising Cane’s fast-food chicken locations are so short of workers, 250 of their 500 corporate office employees are staffing the restaurants. The other 250 are chasing and killing chickens.

Former Trump campaign adviser Corey Lewandowski is reportedly banned from all Trump properties and events after sexually harrassing a woman at a September fundraiser. Lewandowski was reportedly drunk, and Trump demands employees remain sober while sexually harrassing women.

Drugmaker Merck asked the FDA for emergency approval for its COVID-19 pill, saying it would help those who prefer pills to vaccines, and that it could be secretly slipped in to the drinks of anti-vaxxers.

Kim Kardashian West reportedly asked comedian friends Ellen Degeneres, Dave Chappelle, James Corden & others for help with her Saturday Night Live debut. Joe Piscopo is still waiting for his phone call.