The National Football League will require any fans attending 2020 games to wear face coverings. Good news for New York Giants fans – paper bags count.

A corpse was discovered in the trunk of an abandoned car in West Philadelphia. Had it been found several blocks further north, it would have been uptown funk.

A swarm of bees descended on beachgoers in Cape May, New Jersey before finally resting on a beach chair. A local beekeeper came and removed them, but said their honey can’t be used because of all the cologne the bees were wearing.

California passed New York as the state with the most coronavirus cases, while many delight at the resumption of the epic East Coast/West Coast battle.

Hurricane Douglas could hit Hawaii over the weekend – but may not make landfall, since native Hawaiians will probably never let anyone named Douglas on a ‘locals-only’ beach.

Derek Chauvin – the cop accused of murdering George Floyd – and his estranged wife Kellie were charged with felony tax evasion, amidst claims they owe $38,000 in back taxes. Their accountant requested permission to kneel on their necks to get the money.

Coronavirus cases are climbing in Australia. Health officials are urging residents to wear a face mask, even if you’re in your mother’s pouch.

Stone tools discovered in a Mexican cave suggest that humans lived in North America – and were screwing up home improvement projects – as early as 26,500 years ago.

A woman was kicked out of a Panera Bread restaurant in California for refusing to wear a mask, claiming they don’t work for the same reason that “pants don’t contain farts”. A scientist at the CDC who asked not to be named said “well, she’s got us there.”

AMC movie theaters, which had planned to reopen July 15th, then July 30th, announced they’re delaying once again. They blame ongoing pandemic restrictions, and nobody being dumb enough to pay twelve bucks to see old movies and eat $8 popcorn.