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New research from Japan suggests dogs eyes can well up with tears of joy when reunited with their owners. Then the cat makes fun of them.

More details are emerging regarding Gary Busey’s sex assault charges at Monster Mania in New Jersey. Busey allegedly grabbed two women’s buttocks and tried to unhook a bra. Busey is likely banned at future Monster Mania conventions, but is now invited to several Trump Rallys.

Former Playmates say Hugh Hefner encouraged them to have risky, unprotected sex with him. Sex was unprotected because he didn’t use a condom, and risky because he turned off his pacemaker.

Tesla raised the price of Full Self Driving software in its cars to $15,000. Which sounds expensive, but it comes with 10 downloadable movies to watch and a sex swing for the backseat.

Apple will let you repair certain Macbook laptops yourself starting Tuesday. Then, starting Wednesday, you can see if someone else can fix the damage you did.

Viral video shows a woman performing oral sex on a man in the outfield upper deck during an Oakland A’s baseball game. Despite sitting 500 feet from home plate, she was still struck by foul balls.

Meghan Markle said on a podcast that her baby Archie’s nursery caught fire while she was away giving a speech in South Africa. Archie was okay, and has since quit smoking.

Fans of HBO’s new Game of Thrones prequel ‘House Of The Dragon’ are angry at a scene where a man forces a woman to have a c-section, killing her. They say the scene isn’t faithful to the original books, because it takes place in Texas in 2022.

The car and body of missing California teen Kiely Rodny was found in 35 minutes by dive team Adventures With Purpose, after local cops say they spent 20,000 man hours searching the same lake. Adventures With Purpose said they were more successful because they actually went in the water.

Residents of Mexico City say it’s being gentrified by American expatriates moving there to work remotely and avoid the costs of big cities like New York or Los Angeles. They also blame the $50,000 hiring bonuses being offered by the Sinaloa drug cartel.

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Bitcoin has become the preferred payment for sex workers. So now being a ‘two-Bit’ hooker means you earn around $85,000.

Asian actress Awkwafina left Twitter amidst heavy criticism of her using a ‘blaccent’ in her performances. Which isn’t so bad, considering black or white performers using Asian accents can expect to be cancelled altogether.

Guns N Roses frontman Axl Rose turned 60. “Take me down to Paradise City, where the grass is…damnit, slow down! I want to get there in one piece!!” said Rose.

Spirit Airlines & Frontier Airlines plan to merge. They’ll adopt the name of whichever carrier’s team of frequent flyers wins a midair brawl.

When the January 6th Committee subpeonaed the National Archives for Trump White House documents, some needed to be retrieved from Mar A Lago because Trump had taken them there. He explained that he kept some papers because Kim Kardashian sat on them by mistake when she visited the Oval Office.

New Orleans Saints running back Alvin Kamara was arrested and charged with battery of a patron at a Las Vegas nightclub following the Pro Bowl. If he beats up the same person again, he’ll face rechargeable battery.

New Jersey & Delaware set timelines to end mask mandates for schoolchildren. Philadelphia public schools also set their timeline: whenever a kid drops out.

Samsung announced their new Galaxy series of smartphones will use plastic made from recycled fishing nets. So when they burst into flames it’ll smell like a bonfire on the beach.

The Miami Dolphins hired San Francisco 49ers offensive coordinator Mike McDaniel to be their next head coach. McDaniel was selected over several other finalists, including Rooney Rule interviewee The Wise Black Janitor From ‘Rudy’.

Two dozen people were poisoned at a Russian hospital after being ordered to drink ‘battery fluid’ before x-rays of their digestive tract. Hospital workers then hooked jumper cables to their nipples to start their frozen cars.

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Dozens of people looted a San Francisco area Nordstrom store during a smash & grab robbery. Three of the people were arrested, since they stuck around to have their items gift-wrapped.

A New Jersey Starbucks worker may have exposed thousands of customers to hepatitis-venti-half-caf-double-shot-extra-foam-caramel-frappucino-type-A.

Target announced they’ll keep stores closed on Thanksgiving Day for good, and will open at Midnight on Black Friday for stampedes.

Oregon State Police seized 500,000 pounds of illegal marijuana, with a street value of $500 million, and a government-run dispensary value of $5 billion.

Lebron James was ejected from Sunday’s game against the Detroit Pistons for elbowing Pistons Isaiah Stewart above the eye, drawing blood. Video of the incident premiered on HBO Max as Face Jam.

NFL wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr and girlfriend Lauren Wood revealed she’s pregnant, after she played wide receiver a few months ago.

Machine Gun Kelly didn’t bring girlfriend Megan Fox to the American Music Awards, choosing instead to bring his 12-year-old daughter Casie, a.k.a Squirt Gun Kelly.

Tiger Woods shared video of his first practice swings since his February auto accident. Ex-wife Elin Nordegren did not share video, but reportedly took her first swings since bashing Tiger’s SUV with a 5-iron in November 2009.

Kyle Rittenhouse said in an interview that he’s not a racist and that he supports the Black Lives Matter movement, with the exception of any movement near his gun barrel.

Two Fox News contributors quit the network in protest over lies & conspiracy theories in Tucker Carlson’s January 6th special. More are expected to leave once they release Carlson’s Christmas special, Kyle Rittenhouse Is Comin’ To Town.

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A Philadelphia man was taken into custody after locking himself in the bathroom at a Planned Parenthood office. “For the last time, you’re not pregnant” said workers.

A nest of 1,500 murder hornets was destroyed in Washington state. The hornets actually excavated a dead tree’s trunk before nesting in it, and may qualify to join a log cutters union.

A woman assaulted by a man on a Tennessee dog walking trail thwarted her assailant by smearing his face with dog poop. The assailant was later captured by police, and identified after the dog sniffed his face.

The U.S. conducted an air strike in Kabul, reportedly killing ISIS-K suicide bombers. “Nooooo… I WANNA DO IT” said the bombers during a tantrum.

A woman was injured at New Jersey’s Six Flags Great Adventure when she slipped and fell off of a roof. Officials have temprorarily shut down the Spider Man’s Shingle Repair ride.

An endangered fin whale that died after being found on a Delaware Beach was discovered to have underlying health conditions. The veterinarian performing the necropsy said the whale suffered from a lack of obesity.

Afghanistan faces a financial crisis because its banks remain closed and citizens have no access to cash. It’s so bad, the country’s largest dealership hasn’t sold a single goat in two weeks.

A gunman who shot at a commuter outside New York Penn Station was sent to jail after calling the judge at his arraignment “bro”. The judge struck his gavel and yelled “you will address me as DUDE!”.

Cecily Barmore, stepdaughter of Dog the Bounty Hunter, was arrested for domestic violence after allegedly punching and biting her boyfriend. The District Attorney has not yet filed charges, after Barmore agreed to heel.

Kid Rock cancelled two shows in Fort Worth, Texas after members of his band tested positive for COVID-19. Rock said via Twitter that he and all his band members have been vaccinated with cow dewormer Ivermectin.

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Boston Beer Company is teaming with Pepsi to make an alcoholic version of Mountain Dew – called Mountain Dew: Code Liver Failure.

Five New Jersey shore beaches were closed due to fecal bacteria levels. Local officials are asking parents to bathe diaper-clad infants and toddlers in the water to get levels back up to normal.

Colorado officials are saying not to trust Google Maps & Waze, after several travelers were stranded following those directions. They also say not to trust local bears offering to help when they see you’re lost.

New York Lieutenant Governor Kathy Hochul will become New York’s first woman Governor after Andrew Cuomo resigned. She led Cuomo’s “Enough Is Enough” campaign to battle sexual assault on college campuses, but did not support his “Enough May Not Be Enough” program in the state capital.

YouTube suspended Senator Rand Paul for sharing a video that falsely claims masks are ineffective in preventing the spread of COVID-19. Unfortunately this also means no one can view his many skateboard trick videos.

Tropical Storm Fred could hit Florida, and may rise to hurricane strength. Governor Ron Desantis has threatened to shut down businesses that temporarily close to stay safe.

A new study finds four seconds of high-intensity exercise, repeated two or three dozen times, benefit metabolism and muscles in people of varying ages. Although the study points out the four seconds need to be repeated in the same day, not year.

Northrop Grumman launches a new cargo ship to the International Space Station today. You can watch the launch online, then watch the arrival to guess which astronaut anxiously grabs the new shipment of toilet paper.

Jeopardy! will reportedly have two official hosts for the first time ever, with Executive Producer Mike Richards hosting daily games, and Mayim Bialik hosting specials and spinoffs. Aaron Rodgers will host his own special pouting about not being included in the decision.

A 13-year-old boy on an American Airlines flight was duct-taped to his seat for abusing his mother, and attempting to kick in a window. Other passengers were jealous because they taped him to a bulkhead aisle seat.

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Congress approved a bill to make Juneteenth – June 19th, a day marking the end of slavery – a federal holiday, as multiple Republicans tried, and failed, to do the same for Jansixth.

Gay soccer star Megan Rapinoe was hired to promote Victoria’s Secret as part of their rebrand – so now we all know what Victoria’s secret was.

The Philadelphia 76ers blew a 20-point lead for the second straight time, losing to the Atlanta Hawks in Game 5 of their playoff series. Philadelphia fans threw batteries at the team, then the Sixers threw them back and missed.

Southern Baptists elected Ed Litton as their conference President, who’s viewed as a ‘centrist’ because he promotes racial justice, while still hating queers.

Angelina Jolie reportedly got a ‘meaningful new tattoo’ – which reminds her what all of her other, less meaningful, tattoos are supposed to mean.

Fishermen near New Jersey’s Seaside Heights Pier caught a great white shark, which was then won by a kid playing a ring toss game.

The world’s third-largest diamond was reportedly unearthed near Botswana. Google suffered a brief outage as all the world’s rappers and the Kardashian family simultaneously searched ‘Where Is Botswana’?

Asked about privacy in a new interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook called it “a fundamental human right”. Asked about more durable glass on iPhones, Cook called it “a much lower priority than privacy”.

Microsoft Teams is doubling the maximum number of on-screen videoconference participants from 49 to 98. This makes it more likely you can see video of CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin masturbating, but tougher to actually tell what he’s doing.

Ricky Schroder protested outside a Foo Fighters concert in Agoura Hills, California, because attendance required proof of vaccination. Schroeder then left for a Toby Keith concert which required proof of gun ownership and dropping out of junior high.

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The U.S. is reportedly assessing a leak at a Chinese nuclear power plant. The good news is that radioactivity kills coronavirus. [Story h/t to J.L!]

American middle distance runner Shelby Houlihan was disqualified from Olympic trials for a positive steroid test. Houlihan claims the steroids are from a pork burrito she ate. In other news, the U.S. track team dietician was fired. [Story h/t to T.C.!]

A survey from finance website Wallethub ranked New Jersey as the Number One U.S. state to live in, based on wages, education and the 4th-lowest crime rate in the country. “4th lowest? Get to work!” said New Jersey mob bosses.

Convicted sex offender Harvey Weinstein held his head in his hands when learning of his extradition to California from New York to face five sexual assault charges, and when learning that he’ll have to fly coach on Spirit Airlines.

Mackenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, gave another $2.7 billion of her fortune to 286 organizations. Trump children went 0-for-5 on their applications.

Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil cancelled his next scheduled solo appearance after his voice gave out. His band said if he can’t get his voice in shape before their 2022 Stadium Tour, they’ll use recorded vocal tracks and tour as Motley Vanotley.

Two people were hospitalized for injuries riding a log flume at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey. The log reportedly “tipped up on an angle”, but then behaved normally once park workers removed dead bodies from the water.

Royal Caribbean delayed its first cruise since shutting down for the pandemic, after eight crew members tested positive for COVID-19, and the buffet crab legs tested positive for being the same ones that were there when they docked the ship.

SpaceX is cleared to reuse its rockets for national security missions. And it was cleared to hold a scrap metal sale of the ones that exploded to raise money for rocket fuel.

Peloton users are being warned that they could be watched by hackers accessing their bicycle’s video screens. In response, the company has postponed the planned Topless Tour de Peloton.

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After an injection with mushroom tea, a man was discovered to have hallucinogenic ‘magic’ mushrooms growing in his blood. He opened a concession stand selling it to vampires at Phish concerts.

President Jimmy Carter posed with a guitar made with wood from a tree he’d planted. It sounds better than the one he had made from peanut shells.

Australia will euthanize a pigeon that flew all the way from Oregon. “Great, kill the messenger”, said the pigeon.

New Jersey teachers are outraged that smokers are prioritized to get the COVID-19 vaccine before they are, and are even more jealous of the hot-looking teachers who smoke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner reportedly prevented Secret Service agents from using the bathrooms in their house, so they had to rent a nearby apartment. However, as a goodwill gesture, Jared donated his old copies of Juggs magazine for them to read.

Donald Trump reportedly told aides not to pay lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s $20,000/day legal fees. Fortunately, after 40-plus failed lawsuits, Trump has accumulated enough Rudy Reward Points to settle most of his bill that way.

Airlines are temporarily banning passengers bound for Washington DC airports from checking firearms in their bags. However, Spirit Airlines is offering an in-flight deal where you can purchase a bulkhead row seat and handgun for just $449.

Newly-elected Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville called for delaying the inauguration of Joe Biden, and was informed the inauguration date is in the Constitution. He then asked one of his assistants how many timeouts he had left.

Melania Trump tweeted about the “legacy” of her Be Best anti-bullying inititative. So far as anyone can tell, the legacy is a truckload of Be Best t-shirts ready for shipping to the next victims of an earthquake.

NASA abandoned its InSight mission to drill 10 feet in to the surface of Mars, because the soil would clump and prevent the drill from entering. It’s now a race against time to get the drill back to Earth before Home Depot refuses to refund the purchase.

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Department store Lord & Taylor is closing all of its stores. “Good Lord!” said Taylor.

IKEA is partnering with LEGO, so you can have a second meltdown when you step on the pieces of furniture you can’t put together.

‘Sister Sister’ actor Marques Houston married Miya Dickey in a private ceremony. The pastor asked Houston “Do you take Miya Dickey?..”, then, that night, Houston asked his wife the same thing.

Paris, France will mandate face masks for all pedestrians and cyclists starting today. Parisians are generally okay with it since masks lessen the intensity from citizens who still won’t wear deodorant.

Career management site The Ladders listed industries least likely to hire workers over age 45. The industry least like to hire aging workers is Manufacturing; the place most likely to employ aging workers is The White House.

Because of underwater free-dive training for upcoming ‘Avatar’ sequels, Kate Winslet said she can hold her breath for seven minutes. She said it also comes in handy on the days when the crew is served burritos.

Fox Networks has delayed the premiere of reality show ‘Masterchef Jr.’, citing the coronavirus pandemic, and judges getting sick after eating Play-Doh.

Amid a bitter divorce battle, Dr Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young won’t give him back his gun, his motorcycle or his golf clubs. Dre is reportedly very frustrated as he tries to finish a diss track that rhymes words for ‘gun’, ‘motorcycle’ and ‘golf clubs’.

New Jersey will honor transgender activist Marsha P Johnson with a monument. The monument will be accessible from both directions on the New Jersey Turnpike and will contain a Roy Rogers, a Starbucks and a Sbarro.

Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky said he was assaulted by an angry mob outside of the White House after the Republican National Convention. He said if he wanted to get beat up, he can stay home and let his neighbor do it again.

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The National Football League will require any fans attending 2020 games to wear face coverings. Good news for New York Giants fans – paper bags count.

A corpse was discovered in the trunk of an abandoned car in West Philadelphia. Had it been found several blocks further north, it would have been uptown funk.

A swarm of bees descended on beachgoers in Cape May, New Jersey before finally resting on a beach chair. A local beekeeper came and removed them, but said their honey can’t be used because of all the cologne the bees were wearing.

California passed New York as the state with the most coronavirus cases, while many delight at the resumption of the epic East Coast/West Coast battle.

Hurricane Douglas could hit Hawaii over the weekend – but may not make landfall, since native Hawaiians will probably never let anyone named Douglas on a ‘locals-only’ beach.

Derek Chauvin – the cop accused of murdering George Floyd – and his estranged wife Kellie were charged with felony tax evasion, amidst claims they owe $38,000 in back taxes. Their accountant requested permission to kneel on their necks to get the money.

Coronavirus cases are climbing in Australia. Health officials are urging residents to wear a face mask, even if you’re in your mother’s pouch.

Stone tools discovered in a Mexican cave suggest that humans lived in North America – and were screwing up home improvement projects – as early as 26,500 years ago.

A woman was kicked out of a Panera Bread restaurant in California for refusing to wear a mask, claiming they don’t work for the same reason that “pants don’t contain farts”. A scientist at the CDC who asked not to be named said “well, she’s got us there.”

AMC movie theaters, which had planned to reopen July 15th, then July 30th, announced they’re delaying once again. They blame ongoing pandemic restrictions, and nobody being dumb enough to pay twelve bucks to see old movies and eat $8 popcorn.