Friday Jokes: March 19th

Starbucks shareholders rejected the proposed compensation of CEO Kevin Johnson, downgrading his venti-million-dollar bonus to tall, and writing Ken Johnston on it.

A judge ruled the trial of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin for the killing of George Floyd will remain in the city, saying they didn’t budget all that money on barricades and riot gear for nothing.

A new book, ‘Countdown‘, by New York doctor Shanna Swan, claims toxic chemicals have reduced male sperm counts by almost 60% since 1973. Swan cites a variety of chemicals, but specifically points out that Miller Lite was introduced in 1973.

Tanzania’s President John Magufuli, a COVID-19 skeptic who hadn’t procured any vaccines for his country, died of heart disease. Vice President Samia Suluhu Hassan was sworn in for her 30-day term until she dies of COVID-19.

An assistant district attorney in Bucks County, Pennsylvania was demoted for making GrubHub deliveries during work hours. He was caught after requesting a trial recess, then returning to the courtroom and asking jurors “who ordered the Quarter Pounder Value Meal?”

A 59-year-old Las Vegas billionaire is suing his 26-year-old ex-girlfriend, an Only Fans model, for using his properties to stage nude photos, including one wearing only a yarmulke from his son’s Bar Mitzvah. The model is currently dating his son.

Following multiple allegations of racist & homophobic language, ‘The Talk’ host Sharon Osbourne claims she’s receiving death threats. Asked who’s making them, Osbourne replied “p*ssy lickers, persian carpet c**ts, wontons, you name it”.

A lighting crew member died on the set of ABC’s ‘The Conners’. Right now, officials are only sure that he didn’t die of laughter.

Apple is planning massive privacy updates to iOS 14 this Spring, which may limit Facebook’s ability to get information from iPhone users. In response, Facebook is replacing Friend Requests with Stranger Requests.

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart got engaged to drag racer Leah Pruett. Stewart was quick to point out Pruett competes in top-fuel National Hot Rod Association events, not the other king of drag races.

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